A Dryer-rack For My Head

Sometimes there's a million things banging around the inside of my head, but I can't get any of them out. It's like when you put wet sneakers inside a dryer when you were a kid and listened to them bang around until your Mom came running in asking what in the name of Sam Hill was going on, then promptly ordered you to go outside barefooted. . . not that this actually ever actually happened to me personally, but you get the picture. I believe that an excess of ricocheting thoughts inside your head is where headaches come from. Well, ever since the election, there's like a dozen pairs of sneakers in the dryer.

First of all, I'm tired. Aren't you? Tired of the names, tired of thinking about big weighty things. Tired of hearing the names...Newt, and Huma. I'm also tired of being wrong about everything. I used to be pretty savvy about things political. I didn't see a Trump victory. Yes I did predict that he would win the nomination long before the NYT got around to it, but I never dreamed he would actually pull off beating Hillary Fricking Clinton in the general. Never. So being wrong is no fun.

Prior to election night my biggest fear was what angry, disillusioned Trump voters would do when their man lost. I never once considered what Clinton voters might do if she lost. Never. In keeping with my pledge to give all sides a full week to vent without comment, I will defer until the 15th to opine on that subject.

But now that the election is over, we will soon be into the miserable, boring business of actually governing. The Trump people will be announcing the makeup of their team. Partisans will scream their glee and displeasure with every new offering. Newt Gingrich for Secretary of State. . . "Brilliant choice!!". . . "My God!! It's the end of the world!!!!" By the time the inauguration rolls around the entire country will be exhausted, beaten up and left for dead by the side of the road by the hysterical hyperbole of the media. My Lord, if I have to watch so-called journalists openly weeping on television one more time, hell. . . I might move to Canada!!

I understand that they actually make a tray thing that you can set up inside your dryer to stack sneakers on so that they don't fly around inside the dryer. I need one of those for the inside of my head. I could organize into neat little stacks all of these disparate, competing thoughts, then line them up on the tray. . . We elected the first president ever to have appeared in a porn video. . .what will Huma do for a living now?. . .wonder what the tuition is to go to the Electoral College?. . .what do you do with yourself  after you've served two terms as President of the United States and you're only 55? I mean, you could play golf every day, but he already does that. . . who is going to be willing to pay Hillary $250,000 for a speech again?. . .will Jerry Falwell Jr get a cabinet post, and if so, which one?. . .who is more likely to get assassinated, Trump before the end of his first term, or Anthony Weiner before Inauguration Day?. . .will Ryan Zimmerman get traded over the winter so the Nationals can get a power hitting first baseman for once?

See? It's a mess up there.

Swinging Pendulums and Protests

Four years ago I sat down at my desk to write about my disappointment with the outcome of a Presidential election. My guy had lost. The punditry was unanimous in their belief that the Democratic Party was on the cusp of perhaps fifty years of dominance. For a small government, liberty-loving Libertarian like me, despair was a reasonable position. But the contrarian in me just couldn't bring myself to buy in to all the gloom and doom. You see, there's an advantage to being a student of history. Who knew that my History degree from the University of Richmond would come to my rescue at such a time as this?

So, I wrote what follows. I post it here as I watch footage of angry, disillusioned, mostly young people exercising their constitutional guaranteed right of protest, demonstrating in the streets. It's worth reading if you are angry about the election. It's also worth reading if you're excited and perhaps  feeling a little cocky. Take a look. . .

Now, to those of you who feel exultant as well as those of you who feel despair at the outcome of this election, I offer the following history lesson. The election of 2012 will usher in neither a 50 year reign of Democratic Party dominance, nor the death of the Republican party. How do I know this? History. Here’s my theory. In times of great uncertainty and tumult, the American people have often warmed up to a beefier, more aggressive and dominant attitude toward government. However, when the crisis passes, the American people have consistently preferred a lighter touch, as follows:

World War 1 and it’s upheaval usher in Woodrow Wilson and his merry band of Progressives bent on transforming American society. As soon as the war was over, and before the ink was even dry on the Treaty of Versailles, America quickly soured on Wilson’s Progressives and opted for 12 years of laissez faire Republicans. It was time to have fun and make money, and we did both in record breaking ways. Then the Great Depression and the rise of totalitarian regimes round the world ushered in FDR and the New Deal. Things got scary, so we wanted our government to beef up and protect us. After the war was over though, we got tired of all the fussiness, all the rules and regulations and do-gooders. It was time to rebuild, to get back to growing the economy and making some money. Yes, that nice man, General Eisenhower will do nicely. Then the civil rights movement and the social upheaval brought on by the war in Vietnam turned the sixties into a caldron of chaos. Whenever that happens, America turns to government and so we got LBJ and his Great Society’s war on poverty. Which was fine and dandy until the radicals started getting a little too weird. Then it was time for some law and order, and who better for that job than the Republicans and Richard Nixon? But, America doesn’t much care for paranoid crooks in the White House so we decided to give a big-toothed southerner a try. Thankfully Carter gave way rather quickly to Ronald Reagan. When he left and was replaced by his Vice-President, the first George Bush, the temptation was to believe that this time, the Democrats really WERE dead. Wrong again. Hello Bill Clinton.

The pattern should be pretty clear by now that the preferred political philosophy of the American people is highly fungible. The pendulum swings in slow motion sometimes, but it does swing. In 2012 America, has turned once again to Obama. We have experienced in the past ten years the worst terrorist attack in history and the second worst economic collapse in our history. Time for an aggressive, vigorous government. But, as sure as day follows night, these trying times will fade, this government will overreach, and the American people will tire of the Nanny state at some point.

That’s my theory, and I’m sticking to it. Oh, and one more thing. I’m going to do a better job of praying for the President than I did during his first term. Now that he’s our guy for another four years, he’s my guy too.

I'm going to refrain from criticizing anyone who protests an election for the first week or so after. I think there should be a grace period in politics, a cool down period where both sides can freak out freely. I very well remember some on the right who trotted out the not my President idiocy back in 2008 and 2012. Who can forget the 2000 protests against George W. Bush? In a bitterly divided nation like ours, this is what happens. But with time, most reasonable people will give the new guy a chance, albeit on a short leash.

The Morning After

I watched the returns last night in my library on my iPad, having lost faith in television media the day that Tim Russert died. I spent the evening and a fair part of the wee hours of this day going back and forth between the New York Times website, the AP and Reuters wire, and the Twitter feed of the #NeverTrump guys over at National Review. It was an astonishing upset which I have still not completely come to terms with. I am fully aware that this is a deadly serious matter and many of you are either exultant or devastated at the moment, so I must tread lightly. But, I only know one way of dealing with life's difficulties and that's through humor. Some may call it gallows humor, but humor nonetheless. So, with my tongue lodged firmly in my cheek, I offer you a more lighthearted interpretation of last night's historic election.

1. The most anticipated and longed for nine words in the English language will be, "May I help you with your bags, Mrs. Streisand?"

2. Job number one for the Clinton team is finding property in a country without an extradition treaty with the U.S.

3. If I owned stock in the Clinton Foundation, I would be selling.

4. One ironic thing about last night was the fact that the Democrats were ultimately done in by their own preferred strategy...identity politics. Only this time, instead of blacks or Latinos voting as a monolithic block, it was the white working class, who gave nearly 70% of their vote to Trump. To my Democratic friends I can only say, "frustrating, isn't it?"

5. One thing that popped in my head when they called Pennsylvania for Trump. . .where are they
going to put his tanning bed in the White House? Surely not in the Oval Office, right?

6. To my great dismay, I saw Facebook posts last night from Christians about how their Bible Study groups had been transformed into celebratory Trump parties. Yeah, I get it. . .abortion. . .but if I live to be a hundred I will never be able to wrap my head around this Trump-love among believers. I just can't. . .

7. Here's a prediction. Four years from now, abortion will still be the law of the land.

8. With the election of Donald Trump, the American people have now permanently lowered the bar for admission to the Oval Office to serial adulterers, gropers, and casino and strip club owners. Way to go, America. Good luck with that!

9. Evangelical Christians have lost forever the spiritual authority to criticize the immorality of politicians seeking the highest office in the land.

10. The American people finally drove a nail in the coffin of the Clinton Dynasty. Not at all a bad thing.

11. It should be fairly pointed out that there was not a single incident of violence perpetrated by an angry, disillusioned Evan McMullin voter last night.

12. I'm told by many of my Christian friends that Trump will be guided by and faithful to the Republican Party platform. This despite the fact that he has been an actual Republican for approximately 15 minutes of his life.

13. If it is true that during the campaign, Mr. Trump became a Christian, then Mike Pence has just become the single most important accountability partner in the history of evangelism.

14. The poor men and women at CNN must be thinking, "If our 24-7 cheerleading for Hillary couldn't put her over the top against freaking TRUMP, what good are we??!!"

Nervous Voting

In roughly 48 hours from now I will be disappointed, having long ago given up any hope of a positive electoral outcome. If it's Hillary, I will be embarrassed, if it's Trump, horrified. But today at church I heard the words of a prayer offered up by the pastor which spoke to me and apparently many others in the congregation since an audible approving murmur rose up around me, a rarity in the church I'm currently attending. These words. . ."God, no matter how this election turns out, many of us have the sense that we are in trouble as a nation." Something has gone off the rails. He went on to pray that the election result would be received by the American people without violence and bloodshed. Honestly, I have always assumed that as an American, I would never hear those words from a pulpit. But, given the fever pitch of emotion, the hair trigger hatreds which have grown up among us in 2016, it is a real concern. So, along with 300 million other Americans, I wait.

I will vote on my way into work on Tuesday morning, like I have always done. I'm too old school for early voting. I will stand in line with my countrymen. In the past, my time waiting has been comforting, a time of pride, a time to feel good about my amazing good fortune as a citizen of a country such as this. This year, I will be nervous, restless, eyes peeled towards my perimeter at all times. Virginia is one of three states listed by Homeland Security for heightened security because of vague Al Qaeda internet chatter threats. It would be just like those bastards to pull something on Election Day. If you're wondering, "who would a terrorist attack on Election Day help the most," then you, my friend are part of the problem.

I have family members who will be voting for Hillary and others who will be voting for Trump. I have friends who support both candidates. Some enthusiastic readers of this blog love Donald Trump, despite my opinions to the contrary. But, I am proud to say that I have not lost one single friend because of this election. I will not think less of those who disagree with me in this regard because friends and family are far more valuable to me than mere politics. A month from now, we all will have moved on. We will be back to arguing about far more important things. . .like which yard chore is more obnoxious, raking leaves or shoveling snow?

So, go out and vote on Tuesday and keep your eyes peeled. On the other hand, if you're one of those people who can't name your congressman, or if you think that the Supreme Court is the name of Diana Ross' second album. . .feel free to sit this one out.

I'll patiently await the day very soon when we Americans once again remember that not everything is about politics. Oh, happy day...

Yard Sale Highlights

Dunnevant Family Yardsale #116, Fall 2016 edition, is in the books. Although the haul of $660 was on the low end of expectations, that is not to say it was a failure. The treasure trove of anecdotes alone made it worthwhile! Here are a few of the highlights:

So, it started Friday night when we all gathered at the site for set up, that euphemistic phrase which translated means "We all just had a long hard week, so let's get together and have a Chinese Fire Drill in Mechanicsville."

 Step one of this set up business involves Ron putting up yellow crime scene tape along the road with 

signs clearing warning customers that under no circumstances are cars to be parked here. Because it's dark, and Ron being Ron, he thought to bring his coal miner head lamp. But, this is America. More specifically, this is Mechanicsville, Virginia, America, where rules are for other people.

This particular Mechanicsvillian was especially bold in her disregard for instruction, parking her tiny, toy car directly in front of the driveway, where she left it for nearly an hour while she haggled with us over the fair black market price of curtain rods.

Once again, yours truly won top salesman honors for like the 116th time in a row. I was able to move not one, but two of the most tacky hunks of knickknackery ever offered for sale east of the Mississippi. The first was a set of black cat cheese knives that defy my powers of description. I am
quite sure that beside the Webster definition of kitsch you will find a photograph of the four black cat cheese knives. My pitch was based on the fact that since Halloween just happened, now was the best
time to stock up on all of your Halloween decorative crap needs while prices are low! My second triumph was another decorative figurine whatnot which looked like a cross between an angel and
Lady Liberty attempting to clear a high hurdle. There were red, white and blue ribbons festooning
this hideous creation which seemed to be making some statement about 9-11, since the Twin Towers loomed in the background. My sisters had voted this particular item as the worst, most tacky thing in our entire inventory, which I took as a personal challenge. Soon, I spied a likely mark hovering around the offending table display. I meandered over, picked up Lady Liberty and said with a straight face, "Wow, this is about the most moving thing I've ever seen." The poor woman replied, "You know, my brother is a fireman. I wonder if he would like this?" I closed with..."Can you say, 'stocking stuffer'?" BOOM!!!

Other highlights:

An elderly man was looking puzzled at the small box of odd shaped Fram oil filters being offered for
.25 each. He asks, "You have any idea what these filters are used with?" I answered, "Haven't the foggiest notion." To which he remarked. . ."Well hell, for .25 I can throw them at a barking dog!" He bought the entire box!

Here's Ron trying to convince this hapless shopper that these windows aren't as bad as they look. "Sure, the wooden frame is rotted through by termites, but the glass is still relatively clear."


SOLD!!!

Of course, no Dunnevant Yardsale would be complete without a tent being erected inside the garage to hold in the heat from the Kerosene heater that Ron set up to keep the ladies warm. Here are the three queens taking a rare break.

Another day, another dollar.

The Unity Cup?

Just in time for the election, there's a new controversy brewing at Starbucks. The purveyor of overpriced, and over roasted coffee unveiled a new container called the Unity Cup.

The cup features a hundred different people drawn in a continuous pen and ink style without lifting the pen, illustrating how connected we all are, I suppose. I haven't examined the cup with a magnifying glass, so maybe there's some sort of satanic symbol hidden in all of the humanity. Otherwise, it's hard to understand the insane uproar that has greeted this cup on social media. Boycotts have been organized. Starbucks has been accused of liberal bias and trying to brainwash voters on the eve of the election. Wait,. . .what???

"During a divisive time in our country, Starbucks wanted to create a symbol of unity as a reminder of our shared values, and the need to be good to each other," offered CEO Howard Schultz in way of explanation. Sounds reasonable to me.

Ok, I get the fact that Schultz is a big liberal and supporter of Democratic candidates. But, it's his company, and he can promote whatever he wants to promote. Now, if he introduced a cup with VOTE Hillary emblazoned across the thing and her picture smiling back at me, yeah, that would probably give me yet another reason never to enter a Starbucks. But, here's the thing. . .I'm a capitalist, and as such, I'm a big fan of the whole free exchange thing, whereby I don't want anyone or anything to interfere with my ability to exchange my money for your product. So for me, boycotts seem like stupid and ineffective annoyances. People who organize them seem small and overly strident for my taste. It's a form of group-think. If you disagree with "X" you can't buy "Y" or you must not really disagree with "X." Listen, nobody is going to pressure me to buy or not buy anything based on politics! Are you kidding me? Do you boycott people realize how ridiculous you sound, and how hypocritical? "Let's boycott Starbucks because their cup is liberal," says the angry lady as she pulls into the Citgo station to buy gas. . .a Venezuelan company, then whips out her Chinese made cell phone to Google the closest ABC store so she can buy a fifth of Russian vodka. Please.

No, I will not be purchasing any coffee from Starbucks in these subversive cups. But not because of some paranoid craziness that assumes that everything in the world is about politics. I will not be buying coffee from Starbucks for purely market based reasons. . .their coffee stinks.

Game Seven vs. Election Day

Tonight, America will be treated to the ultimate winner take all sporting extravaganza, the seventh game of a World Series. Roughly a week later, America will experience the ultimate winner take all political extravaganza, Election Day. Let's compare and contrast, shall we?

Tomorrow night, either the Cleveland Indians or the Chicago Cubs will become world champions. If it's the Indians, it will be their first such championship in 68 years. If it's the Cubs, it will their first in 108 years. Either way, there will be great, unbridled joy unleashed throughout the land. Someone will be chosen as series MVP for their outstanding play. Fans of the losing team will be crushed, having come so close after all those many years only to come up short. A minority of them will rail against the umpires, others will bemoan the bias of Fox Sports for unashamedly rooting against their team. But most of them will take the loss in stride since they have so much experience dealing with defeat and disappointment. We will be treated to images from inside the winning clubhouse of grown men giddy with victory, dousing each other with expensive champagne, acting for all the world to see like teenage boys after a victory over a cross town rival on Homecoming night. Baseball fans will rejoice to see the entire nation focused on "our" game. But as the clock strikes midnight, and all of the commentators have finished giving us their take on the game, we will all be a bit sad since pitchers and catchers don't report to spring training for another three and half months!

Next week this time either Hillary Clinton or Donald Trump will become President of the United States. An election that took what seemed like years and took us to depths never before probed in our moral and ethical history will finally be over. Either way, there will be no joy, unbridled or otherwise released throughout the country, only profound relief that it is finally over. There will be no MVP selected. Supporters of the losing candidate will be enflamed with anger. A majority of them will rail against the entire rigged process and claim that the election was stolen from them, others will rail against either Fox News or the mainstream media for their blatant bias. Hopefully, only a minority of them will take to the streets, Molotov cocktails in hand. We will be embarrassed to see the winning candidate make his/her victory speech. But, when the clock strikes midnight, nobody. . .and I mean nobody will be sad that the 2020 New Hampshire primary is 39 months away. Why? Because for the next four years we will be lead by either this. . .

Or, this. . .

We will have far more immediate things to be sad about.