Highjinks Training

Thanksgiving is over and it was wonderful, twenty-three of us jammed into my sister Linda's house in Ashland. The food was fabulous, and right before it was served Linda started saying a few poignant words about how much we all meant to her...when Ezra, the second youngest in attendance blurted out, "so, are we gonna say a blessing soon??" Awesome.

Then it was time for my plan to kick into action. I am now 57 years old with an ailing shoulder. I can't be expected to carry 100% of the practical joke/pranking load every year. So, recently I have been training up my successor and eventual replacement in highjinkery, my great nephew Bennett. He is a natural and extremely quick study with great tomfoolery instincts. I had told him that this year for Thanksgiving I was going to bring my remote controlled rat to the festivities. Unfortunately I couldn't find it and when I told him he couldn't hide his bitter disappointment. However, I assured him that I had something even better. He wasn't convinced...

Me: Don't worry Bennett, I've got something better than a rat!

Bennett: BETTER THAN A RAT???

Me: Yeah!

Bennett: No way.

Then I introduced him to the AIR HORN, a small aerosol can with a plastic horn on top that when pressed emits an ear-splitting noise more appropriate for football stadiums than for the solemn and quiet few seconds after a Thansgiving blessing. Bennett was thrilled with my plan and immediately declared, "It IS better than a rat!"

So there we were, side by side in the reverent circle of family around the table of plenty...waiting for Ezra to finish the most amazingly heartfelt prayer in history. For a brief moment I thought that perhaps now was not the time, after such a tender prayer offered by one so young to unleash a prank that had the very real potential to scare the bejesus out of some of our older members. But luckily, Bennett had no such qualms, and at the long-awaited "amen" he pressed down hard and fast on the plastic horn..."WWWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAKKKKKKKKKKKKKZZZZZZZZZZZZZ!!!!!" It was a thing of beauty. Some were ready to yell at me for my juvenile behavior, but when they saw Bennett doubled over laughing hysterically, they were forced to hold their fire...brilliant!

After dessert, it was time for the bi-annual appearance of UNKADUGA CLAUS, who reached into his black bag-o-fun and handed out an assortment of nerfguns to all the good boys and girls. Everyone then went outside for a semi-violent game of "SHOOT YOUR EYES OUT" Somewhere inside Christina was in deep prayer-mode, which was a shame since she missed Ezra's turn with the 18 shot Gatling-gun, which two years ago he couldn't even lift, but this year he was firing off shots like a boss! How fast they grow up... 

25 Things I'm Thankful For.

What am I thankful for on this the greatest of days in 2015?

1. Indoor plumbing, since 40% of my fellow human beings don't have it.

2. Good health, right shoulder not withstanding.

3. A prosperous business.

4. A daughter with the gift of teaching, a brilliant mind, and a terrific husband.

5. A ridiculously talented son with a sharp inquisitive mind and a tender heart.

6. A wife who is beautiful and supremely skilled at life.

7. My amazingly lovable dog.

8. Technology that allows me to stay closely connected to everyone I love.

9. This blog and the opportunities it avails me to express myself.

10. Every single one of the declared candidates for President since even the horrible ones can serve as a bad example.

11. To have been born an American, inheriting effortlessly by birth what millions of others have sacrificed everything to become.

12. Baseball, in all of its unhurried beauty.

13. Music, with its power to transform.

14. Lifelong friends, only a handful of them, but each has been a blessing.

15. Humor.

16. Central air and heat.

17. Being a part of a large and loving family of brothers, sisters, nieces, nephews, cousins, uncles and aunts, all of them dear to me.

18. Living in a country where I am free to write horrible things about our leaders.

19. Living in a country where my level of happiness is not dependent on which party controls the levers of power.

20. Vander Warner and others like him...accomplished and wise men of faith who have walked the walk, and shown the rest of us the way.

21. My parents, neither of whom are with us anymore, but still shine down on me from the power of their lives well-lived.

22. Advil, and Pepto-Bismol, two over the counter medications that provide the cure for what was the number one cause of death throughout the world a hundred years ago.

23. Cheese, bread and sausage, without which life would have no meaning.

24. The State of Maine from the first of June through the end of September.

25. The Ressurection. 

This Dog. That Face.

                     

                                         

This dog. That face. It almost makes me forget what a whack-job she is. It almost makes me overlook her latest neurosis, as follows:

Back in the Spring I spent a small fortune redoing the landscaping around my house. This included the removal of two huge trees in my backyard and their replacement with a big yard full of turf, the kind that is rolled into place like carpeting. The result has been a beautiful, manicured look out back. Lucy loves the place, it is her domain. It had been our hope that by removing the trees, Lucy would grow out of her fondness for digging around their roots. The key word of that last sentence of course being "hope". There is one spot back there which is still a source of endless fascination for her, and oddly its in the exact spot where she used to dig before, near one of the old trees. There is something there that drives her to dig down just a few inches and then lick the dirt as if her life depended on it! Upon closer inspection I found a strand of dark gray, even black dirt streaked through the spot. After thirty minutes out there Lucy's tongue looks like she has eaten an entire bag of licorice.

So, being possessed of allegedly higher intellect, I decided that I would place a large decorative stone over the dreaded spot, one too heavy for her to move, whereupon, after seeing it covering her licking-hole, she merely dug around the edges of the stone and found new veins of the delicious and mysterious black gold. Now I have a dorky looking stone and an expanding hole in the ground smack dab in the middle of my beautiful manicured $10,000 dollar backyard.                                                    

    

Meanwhile, Lucy sleeps the deep, carefree sleep of the just. Grrrrrrrrr.......

    

A Weapon or a Warm Wish?

 So it begins.  There I was minding my own business today browsing around on Facebook when I saw this picture. Apparently the owner of Schuler's bakery wants everyone to know that if they don't want to be wished a Merry Christmas, then they sure better not come in! If you don't celebrate Christmas enthusiastically, well, you are more than welcomed to get the hell out of Schuler's Bakery.

Yes, this is the time of year when some Christians get all up in the pictures about Christmas-dissing...real and imagined. The horrors are everywhere...holiday trees, seasons greetings, happy holidays, X-mas, all examples of the satanic lengths which people are willing to go to in order to put a dagger into the Christ Child. Many Christians have simply had enough...

Yes, nothing spreads Christmas cheer faster than pissing off your neighbors. "What? You don't like Merry Christmas? Well I got your Merry Christmas right here!!"

Just about the time I was about to give in to despair, I noticed that someone had written a comment on the Schuler's Bakery sign. I clicked on it and was surprised to see these words written by my wife,

       "Is this really the way to show love to your neighbor? Is a sign really necessary?      Private businesses are free to do whatever they want to do, but a sign like this just makes saying 'Merry Christmas' seem like a weapon instead of a warm wish."

I could have sat at my computer for two days and not come up with more beautiful words than these. It's one of the many reasons why I am in love with this woman... 

Belligerent, militant Christmas cheer. Is that really how we wish to be known? 

Cha-Ching

Alright, enough with the syrupy sweet, touchy-feely sentimentality about Thanksgiving specifically and the Holidays in general. When you're about to get visited by your adult kids, and a wild man retriever puppy, it's about...work, and lots of it!

First, all the linens in their old bedrooms have to be washed. Then while doing that you're reminded that the mattress in Kaitlin's old room really is shot and needs to be replaced. Cha-Ching*

Then there's the grave concern about just how much of the fall-themed decorations should remain out and just how much of the Christmas knickknackery should be brought out for the kids. Now, to many of you, this may seem like a silly, pseudo-problem, but in my house, this is dreadfully serious business. See, while they are home we must decorate the tree. Our kids must be allowed to fight over who's turn it is to put the angle on the top. Well, it just wouldn't be proper to do this with nothing but cornucopias all over the place, would it? Oh, and our 15 year old tree up in the attic has finally bitten the dust so we had to buy a new nine footer to replace it. Cha-Ching.

With such a fabulously handsome new faux tree with even more handsome faux pine cones, new lights must be purchased. Cha-Ching.

 Pam..."Honey, listen....hear that?

Me..."Hear what?

Pam: "That whooshing sound! Sounds like the air conditioner filters need to be replaced."

I open up the grate and see the words...Replace October 10, 2015. I SAY..."You're right, a couple of days old, these are..." My wife possesses bionic ears capable of hearing the elevated heart beats of squirrels trapped in the attic of neighbors three houses down! Cha-Ching.

Grass needs to be cut. Leaves must be gotten up, after paying a guy $300 bucks to get up the first deluge a couple of weeks ago. Department 56 houses must be hauled out and set up.

Good thing I've got some Percocet left over from my shoulder surgery. I have a feeling I'm gonna need it.

* it has occurred to me that my use of the phrase "Cha-Ching" might be potentially triggering to any Asian readers. Please note that the phrase was used to denote the sound that a cash register makes, NOT as a derogatory reference to people of Chinese extraction.

What Do We REALLY Care About?

Some of my blogs lately have been about very heavy concerns, from the slaughter in Paris to the geo-political and ethical minefield which is the Syrian refugee crisis. From the looks of my Facebook feed, these issues have had a powerful and divisive effect on my readers. Well, it's Friday, and pass time for a blog that I believe has the potential to bring us all together. After all, like President Obama, I want to be a uniter, not a divider. 

So, a couple of days ago, in the midst of the dreadfully serious refugee crisis, with the blood of the innocents barely dry, I passed through my den at 7:30 in the morning, glanced at the television and saw a frame full of Matt Lauer with a gravely earnest expression on his face. He was interviewing someone and looked to be in the midst of asking a profoundly serious question. I paused. Perhaps he had scored a sit-down with the President and was grilling him on his ill-timed "ISIS is contained" line. Or maybe somehow Lauer had managed to win an interview with the reclusive leader of ISIS, Abu Bakr al-Babhdadi. But then my television screen was filled with the cocky face of Charlie Sheen announcing to the world that he has the HIV virus. Moreover, he had had sexual relations with upwards of 500 woman over the past four years without sharing with them this cogent fact. Now he was being blackmailed by a bevy of porn stars and other B-list actresses none too happy about his medical condition. The world is in flames and the suits at NBC thought it wise to air this interview. 

Where to begin? First, let it be known that I wouldn't wish the HIV virus on my worst enemy. On the other hand, who among us is surprised by the news that Charlie Sheen has it? 500 different sexual partners in the last four years? Let that sink in for a moment. That's a new conquest every three days! If it is true that one does, in fact, reap what one sows then Charlie has reaped the whirlwind. But what bothers me is...why does anyone care???? Listen, if it were Tom Hanks, maybe you've got a story. Or if it were discovered that Sylvester Stallone was gay, maybe you've got a story. But...Charlie Sheen?

Most of the time I feel blessed beyond measure to be an American. But honestly, there are other times when I think that we are a wholly unserious people, mired in celebrity worship and too easily attracted to decadence. Thanks a lot Today Show. Thanks for reminding me that no matter that western civilization is crumbling under our feet, you guys never take your eye off of what we really care about.

Syrian Refugees. What To Do?

As of this writing, 31 Governors have notified the President that their states will not accept any new refugees from Syria, in light of the recent attacks in Paris. These Governors have been hailed by some for trying to insure the safety of their citizens, and vilified by others for giving in to fear and xenophobia.

The issue of what to do with the millions of refugees fleeing the years old civil war in Syria is a complex problem with humanitarian as well as geo-political ramifications. However many may want to reduce it to a simple case of fear vs. compassion, the facts of this issue are much more intricate and include more mundane concerns like politics and...money.

Also as of this writing, in all the years of the bloody Syrian civil war, so far the countries in the region who share a common heritage, faith and language with most of the refugees...countries like the UAE, Kuwait, Bahrain and Saudi Arabia, have taken in approximately...ZERO of their Muslim bothers and sisters in the hour of their greatest need. This, despite the fact that each of these countries has plenty of money and the expertise required to resettle them. Although this unfortunate fact certainly doesn't absolve the rest of the world from an obligation to do something to help, it surely should raise a few eyebrows as to...why?

So, the question then becomes, what should be the proper response of the United States government with regards to the humanitarian disaster which is the Syrian refuge? Yesterday, social media was awash in comparisons between this crisis and the Jewish refugees during WWII. For many reasons, I believe this to be a specious argument. First, there weren't any Jews running around machine gunning innocent civilians in restaurants and concert halls in the 1930's, no Jewish state proclaiming a caliphate over the lands of other countries, slaughtering anyone in their path either. Although the vast majority of the Syrians fleeing the war zone are not a party to this ideology, to pretend that amoung them aren't many who are is to be foolishly naive.

We are assured by our government that it can and will fully vet every Syrian it brings into the country. But I don't believe it is either giving in to fear, or displaying paranoia to question their optimism on this score. When they call the Syrian government to follow up on a refugee's background, who is it that actually picks up the phone? An employee of Bashir Assad, the man who's vile administration is responsible for the stream of refugees to begin with??

But, for sake of my argument, let's assume that I am right and that the vetting process is inadequate. Consequently, for every 10,000 Syrian refugees we allow into the country, there are 10 jihadists, a failure rate of only .001%. Is that an acceptable level of risk? According to many of my Christian friends the answer is yes. Scripture is chocked full of commands to treat the foreigner among us with love and compassion. Sure, there is risk involved, but there is risk in practically any noble endeavor. If the failure rate in my example were to rise to 5%, inviting in 500 jihadists, would that level of risk change the equation? I'm speaking theoretically here, since I truly don't know the answer.

Getting back to these Governors. I suppose it's easy to accuse them of pandering to the fear of their constituents, or even trying to embarrass the President with a cynical display of politics. But, regardless of your view on this issue, the number one job of any government is to protect it's citizenry. If a Governor were to agree to take in a couple thousand refugees and just one of them walked into a busy shopping mall and gunned down a couple hundred people, that Governor would go to his political and actual grave with the blood of innocents on his hand. 

Then there's the subject of money. It is estimated by experts that it will cost the United States government approximately $64,000 to care for each refugee it accepts for the first year they are here. This figure includes the cost of health care, resettlement costs, food stamps and other welfare payments, etc.. This, compared to the annual cost of roughly $5400 to provide for them in a neighboring state refugee center in Jordan or Kuwait. (You would think that Kuwait might show a little gratitude in this regard by helping facilitate such a center. We did free them from Sadaam's occupation, after all). Some might say that this more cost effective approach effectively skirts our responsibility by farming it out, in much the same way as Christians farm out our missions responsibility by writing checks instead of going ourselves. Perhaps. But others might suggest that piling on ever more debt by spending money we have to print is neither compassionate or effective.

I find myself stuck in a classic bind. I am held fast between two strong emotions. My heart goes out to innocent people, and the vast majority of those risking life and limb to get the hell out of a war zone are just that...innocent. But my head knows that we have an enemy out there who is hell bent on killing us, and will not hesitate to take advantage of our openness and compassion to do just that...kill us. 

At the moment if I could ask Jesus anything... I would ask him what he meant when he told us to be, "as wise as serpents, and harmless as doves."