Throwing a Flag on Breast Cancer

 

The NFL in October can only mean one thing, the color pink. Yes, it’s that time of year again, when that most testosterone infused game becomes infested with pink arm bands, pink towels, and this past weekend even pink penalty flags, in honor of the single most hyped disease since the Bubonic Plague, breast cancer. For an entire month football fans have their awareness raised to dizzying heights, and money is raised in a race for the cure. A few observations.

Breast cancer is the third leading cause of death among women in the United States, behind heart disease and lung cancer. My mother had breast cancer and one of my best friends is suffering with it even now. So, why do I feel oddly annoyed when I see 300 pound men running around on a football field wearing pink cleats? Why does finding a cure for breast cancer seem like such a commercialized crusade? More importantly, how on Earth did the National Football League manage to get co-opted by the Susan G. Komen Foundation?

Then, it hit me. Never take your eye off the money. After all, the NFL isn’t about football anymore; the NFL is a marketing colossus. This whole breast cancer thing is about expanding the brand. Football has locked up practically every demographic of men in America, now it’s time to lock up the women too! Brilliant.

But still, breast cancer? If heart disease and lung cancer kill more women every year than breast cancer, why not hype those? I guess since men are far more interested in breasts than lungs, the question answers itself. But, who plays football? Men. And what kills 30,000 men every year? That’s right, prostate cancer! So, how about a month long propaganda blitz about prostate cancer? The problem would be coming up with a signature color. What color would be appropriate for such a disease? Yellow? Black? Perhaps rust, to symbolize leaky pipes? The possibilities are endless. If breast cancer can become the cause célèbre of professional football, maybe prostate cancer can get a gig with the WNBA or the LPGA?

Wedding Planning. Episode One.

Saturday afternoon Pam and I sat down with my daughter and her fiancée for our first official wedding planning meeting. So far, our wedding planning has consisted of picking out the venue and forking over a couple of deposits. Kaitlin has been overwhelmed with her first month of teaching, so Pam has spent all day and all night doing research on the internet. Saturday it was time to discover what she had learned. Thanks to the government shutdown, Jon has been furloughed, so he was available.  There we all were sitting in our den, captivated by the Apple TV presentation on the big screen, blown away by the otherworldly organization skills of my wife.

There before us, in all of its 52 inch HD brilliance, was an Excel spreadsheet with each line item of our wedding budget. I use that word very carefully since in reality the dollar signs on the screen represent our fervent hopes and dreams and as actual hard and fast numbers, serve as mere suggestions. The term, “in the ball park” frequently comes up in our conversation along with, “more or less” and “roughly”.

After the first hour we have chosen a DJ for the blessed event and in so doing saved several hundred dollars from what was budgeted. This decision was not made without much angst and trepidation, since hiring the wrong DJ could be disastrous. (Picture  200 mostly white, mostly middle class, mostly religious people trying to wrap their heads around the lyrics to Niggas in Paris!). Luckily for us, Pam’s brilliant research was flashed up on the screen complete with pro’s and con’s, copies of text conversations with Patrick with his observations, as well as user reviews of our guy with Dynamite DJ’s. She even threw in audio clips of some suggested aisle walking music. I’m told that when Wagner’s bridal march was played, both Jon and Kaitlin got teary-eyed. I didn’t notice because I couldn’t stop staring at the minimized spreadsheet with our budget up in the corner of the screen. Were we seriously going to have to pay for chair rental for every fanny over 150 at the reception? Are you kidding me? Not only do I have to feed these people, I have to provide chairs for them to sit in? Whatever happened to mingling?

At the two and a half hour mark, we had managed to check several items off of our to-do list, and schedule a tasting party at our venue for next Wednesday. This is where we get to sample the different types of dishes that can possibly be served at the reception, everything from vichyssoise to corn dogs, I’m told. I am assuming that this “tasting” is complimentary, but as of yet, no word on whether chairs will be provided.

There will be many more of these wedding planning meetings to come over the next several months, I’m sure. There will be surprises, little unplanned detours down the road of our master plan, like this morning when we discovered that the amount we had budgeted for a photographer might only cover two rolls of film, one tripod and four pictures of the wedding cake. Apparently, capturing images of this event for posterity will cost me more than I paid for my first automobile.

I will keep all of you posted on the thrilling details to come as we take this matrimonial journey together.

Politically Correct College Football Picks

Many of you have complained that I have abandoned last year’s wildly popular weekly college football picks. Honestly, none of you have complained about it, and frankly, my feelings have been hurt about the whole thing. So, today I am reintroducing my picks with a twist. This time  I’m going to make my picks based on political correctness alone. I will ignore things like won loss records or strength of schedule, or how many good players a team has. No, I will try to answer the question of which team will win based solely on what outcome would be more fair and equitable, given all the injustice in the world today. Here goes…

 

Maryland vs. Florida State

Here we have the Terrapins, the lowly turtle, possibly the slowest creature on Earth, who plods along trying desperately not to be run over and crushed by the single biggest menace to the environment ever built, the modern automobile. They will be going against the Seminoles, a team that has wrapped itself in the traditions and lore of a noble Native American tribe. This blatant racism most notably displays itself with that most irritating tomahawk chop, and a stadium full of white people imitating the Seminole war chant. This contest boils down to the environment vs. racism. Take Maryland and the points.

Georgia Tech vs. Miami

Georgia Tech is a school that trains the finest mechanical, technical and nuclear engineers in the country. Their graduates then go on to work for big corporations that produce products that befoul our environment, endanger our communities and in doing so produce obscene levels of profit. Miami, on the other hand, has perhaps the most racially diverse student population in America. It’s President is none other than Donna Shalala, who served for eight years as the Secretary of Health and Human Services under Bill Clinton,  the one department of our government most determined to stand against obscene levels of profit. Profits vs. people? Take Miami to cover.

Ohio State vs. Northwestern

Northwestern University is perhaps that most loathsome of institutions, the private research university. Its classes are filled with only the very best and brightest students. In all of the Big Ten, it is no doubt the most elitist. On the other side of the line of scrimmage will be the Ohio State buckeyes, a school which accepts an amazing 68% of its applicants, as clear a refutation of elitism as can be imagined in academia. In addition, Northwestern’s  mascot is something called Willie the Wildcat, a gross and tawdry example of the personification and ultimate subjection of the animal kingdom. Ohio State in a blowout.

Washington vs. Stanford

This is a tough one. While Stanford is also a private research university which accepts only 7% of its applicants and therefore represents the elites of our culture, they did make the brave decision several years ago to divest themselves of their racist past by removing the offensive Indian as their mascot and replacing him with “the Tree”. It was a beautiful thing. However, their opponent today is the University of Washington, a fine public school which accepts anyone as a student who can fog a mirror, an egalitarian record it can be proud of, and yet…there’s the tricky business of their personified mascot, the embarrassingly named “Harry the Huskie.” This is a call that can go either way. The tie breaker comes down to team colors. Washington’s purple is a color of peace, while Stanford’s cardinal red is the universally recognized color of war. Take Washington to eek this one out in overtime.

Secession!?

It’s getting harder and harder to visualize America’s future. We are so divided by politics, so annoyed with each other, that the word secession has started to pop up in the national conversation. One day I read where some county in Colorado wants to secede, the next day it’s some town in Maine. Maybe it would be for the best. It has gotten me to thinking about the possibilities…

1.     New York, Massachusetts, Connecticut, New Jersey, Delaware, Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine, Pennsylvania and Maryland all form a new country and call themselves The Utopian Republic. They elect Michael Bloomberg as their first President. They immediately install a single payer universal health insurance system, and declare college education will henceforth be free. The minimum wage is unilaterally raised to $23.50 an hour, every citizen is issued free condoms, food stamps, and a new house. 20 oz. soft drinks are outlawed, and corporate profits are criminalized. To pay for all of this, the Utopian Republic becomes the first modern nation state to outlaw the military, saving billions.

2.     Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, and Tennessee get together and form a new country, calling themselves The SEC. Paula Deen is elected by acclamation as their first President, and immediately declares butter to be the official national condiment, making the use of margarine punishable by the death penalty. Rudeness is declared to be a felony. Military academies are established in every county in the new Republic, and every SEC boy is required to attend. Each and every meeting of the National Congress begins with a covered dish supper, and ends with mint juleps under the Spanish moss trees in the courtyard. A tongue awfully similar to English is declared to be the official national language. Charleston, South Carolina is declared to be the capital city of the SEC.

3.     Texas makes itself its own country, and warns everyone in the world to not mess with it.

4.     Mexico annexes New Mexico and Arizona. It thinks about throwing California into the deal but decides that it has enough financial problems without getting stuck with that train wreck.

5.     California, thus scorned by Mexico, decides to just go for it. They elect Sean Penn as Generalisimo, and declare themselves to be the People’s Republic of Free Lovia. Negotiations between the nascent nation and Cuba begin in earnest, as Penn sends Alec Baldwin to Havana to work out the details.

6.     Oregon and Washington State combine to form the progressive new country of Caffenia, where each and every citizen is issued an umbrella and a $1000 gift card to Starbucks.

7.     Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Minnesota become a colony of Canada, and declare rust as the official Colonial color.

8.     The entire upper and mid west from Montana down to Arkansas form the largest of the fledgling countries and call themselves the Flyover Republic. Of all the new breakaway states, the Flyover Republic is destined for greatness by virtue of the fact that it’s the only place in North America where anyone knows how to farm anything. They immediately become an insanely rich country by exporting grain and beef to its very hungry neighbors.

9.     West Virginia becomes the only former state not to become its own country, waking up one day to discover that it was no longer receiving huge federal subsidies and wondering what the hell happened.

10.  The people in the District of Columbia finally get their wish, finally able to cast a meaningful vote, which they do by declaring themselves a Protectorate of Venezuela.

The E-mail Ad Wars

I am officially bored with the government shutdown, and I feel relatively certain that you are tired of reading about it. So today let’s delve into a subject of almost equal frustration, the number and subject matter of junk e-mails.

Every morning when I turn on my cell phone, there are at least four or five unsolicited email advertisements in my inbox. There’s nothing necessarily objectionable about this, I mean, hey, people have to make a living, and deleting them takes two seconds of my time. But what is starting to puzzle me is the subject matter of these emails and what it might suggest about…me. First of all, what makes these advertisers think that I would be interested in their products? Frankly, sometimes it’s insulting. For example:

# Discount tire coupons. These people carpet bomb me with offers to replace my tires. Why me? My tires are very expensive and at the very first sign of wear get replaced at great expense since I have my cars worked on at Axselle’s Auto. Give it a rest fellas, I’m good!

# Canadian Pharmacies. These guys are even more relentless, offering me everything from testosterone supplements to Viagra knockoffs. Need pain killers? We got your pain killers right here, no prescription needed. Wait, isn’t that illegal? And why Canada? What makes them the discount drug kingpins?

# Senior Living Retirement Communities. Maybe these people know somehow that my Dad is 88 and in failing health. At least that’s what I hope it is. I am certainly NOT ready for their services at the moment!

# Get Published NOW! Ok, somehow the marketing world has gotten wind of the fact that I’ve written a book. I get at least one offer to polish my manuscript per day, not to mention offers of one stop shop self publishing services, with low, LOW prices.

# Thinning hair cures. Seriously people, have you looked at my head lately?

# Male Enhancement Miracles. No comment.

# Check your credit score for FREE. I have excellent credit. Wait, do these guys know something that I don’t?

# Terry Mcauliffe is a Communist, Ken Cucinelli is a scum bag. Now these particular emails vary depending on whose running but they are always the same, depicting the other guy as a monster. I have never once gotten a political email simply proclaiming the virtues of a candidate.

 

So, that about wraps it up. Of course there are the assorted free oil change coupons, offers to sell my home, and the random bra promotion( I’m not kidding). I’m sure there’s a way to shut these things off which maybe one of my tech savvy readers will let me know about. I’m not sure how many more senior living emails my fragile ego can take!

Lamest. Analogy. Ever.

Yesterday, The President of the United States took to the microphone in the Rose Garden to compare the manifold failings and glitches that accompanied the rollout of Obamacare to the glitches that Apple experienced with the recent introduction of its new operating system.

“I don’t recall anybody saying that Apple should stop selling iPhones or iPads and threatening to shut the company down if they didn’t.”

Thus, Barack Obama will go down in history as the President who employed the most moronic analogy of all time.

Where to begin? Mr. President, I realize that it’s important for you to appear hip and with it and all, and God knows there’s no better way to connect with us than by referencing our gadgets, but if you knew anything at all about business, you never would have brought up Apple, especially in comparison to the Rube Goldberg contraption that is your signature legislative accomplishment. Yes, when Apple introduces any new device glitches happen. But Mr. President, there’s a line snaking out of every Apple retail store in America for a good reason…they manufacture and sell exceedingly popular and insanely profitable products. The reason nobody wants the company to stop selling products and shut down is because people LOVE their products! Your government, on the other hand, has a long and storied history of glitches. The product you are selling is not universally adored, and people are not willing or able to pay through the nose for it. Not only that Mr. President, but the American people have countless real world examples of what it’s like to deal with government run enterprises like the IRS, the DMV, and the Post Office, and let me tell you, it ain’t pretty. The other reason you shouldn’t have brought up Apple is this little business of money. See, although you’re right that Apple products have been known to have glitches now and then, if they had as many glitches as we’ve seen in Obamacare, they would pay a huge price. They would lose market share, their share price would tank, and those responsible for the glitches would quickly be canned. What price will government pay for these Obamacare glitches? Whose head will roll if this boondoggle blows up? You know as well as I do, nothing will happen. No matter how awful this thing is, no one will pay a price for its failure except the users of the product. That’s because government is immune from the disastrous results of the policies that they foist on the rest of us. Oh, and one more thing. Last time I checked, Apple turned an 8 billion dollar profit in 2012 selling amazing products that people are willing to buy. The glitch machine that is your government went in the hole for a trillion dollars during that same year.

Lamest. Analogy. Ever.

 

Just an observation about yesterday’s Blog. My wife pointed out a few things about it that deserve a comment or two. I should have pointed out the fact that all non-essential employees are not created equal. For example, if I had planned a vacation to Yosemite with my family, the Park Rangers that run that place would be extremely essential to me. This is a fair point. I’m sure that many of the 800,000 furloughed workers do good and valuable things. My larger point was that 40% of the Federal workforce is deemed non-essential. That is a mind blowing percentage that you would never find in a profitable private sector company. Considering the financial condition of our country, that percentage is unfathomable. I envy none of the 800,000 furloughed workers, and if I were them I would be furious with everyone on Capitol Hill still receiving a paycheck.

800,000???

The Federal Government has 2 million employees. As a result of the shutdown, 800,000 of them will be furloughed, because they are deemed non-essential. This fact, ladies and gentlemen, is at the very heart of why I detest Washington, D.C.

Ok, before I go any further, let me say that if you are one of the 800,000, I am very sorry for your loss. This isn’t your fault. You have a job; you go to work and expect to get paid like everyone else. Try not to take this personally, but if you are not essential, why are you even employed in the first place?

Here’s the deal. Every large enterprise has non-essential personnel, this isn’t a government invention. I’m sure there’s somebody working at Apple who is paid 100 grand a year to grind the big boss’ Jamaican blue mountain coffee beans every morning. But when you’re a company like Apple which earned 8 BILLION in net profit last year alone, it entitles you to such non-essential extravagance. Even my business isn’t immune to this reality. I pay my assistant to do paperwork, file stuff, mail stuff, and various other jobs that I despise. But I do this because my business is profitable. I am perfectly capable of doing these jobs myself, and if my business experienced a severe reversal, my assistant would find herself quickly unemployed.

 Not so, with our Federal government. How can an enterprise that routinely finds itself leaking a trillion dollars worth of oil every single year manage to have 800,000 non-essential employees? I mean, the government has 750,000 more non-essential employees than Apple has total employees. The government has more non-essential employees on the payroll than the entire population of San Francisco!

How on earth can this be? Just a few days ago I heard that noted expert on governmental efficiency, Nancy Pelosi, say that there was literally nothing else that the government could cut, that in fact the “cupboard was bare.” Nothing to cut?

Actually Nancy, I’ve done a quick, back of the napkin calculation, and have identified 536 non-essential employees who need immediate pink slips.