ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

I have been told that it can be a dangerous thing to write a blog under the influence of Percocet. However, since my shoulder at present simply won’t allow me to set them aside, I will have to forge on. So, what follows might contain a few dangling participles, misplaced modifiers, and even for me, over the top hyperbole. But the news this morning that practically every phone call, text message, Skype exchange or e-mail that has originated from my house has been handed over to the National Security Agency for the last 7 years has to be dealt with today, or my head might explode.

After 9/11, a hideous piece of legislation, born in fear, and passed virtually unanimously was appoved as an emergency measure to give our vast National Security apparatus great powers to confront our terrorist enemies. The treacherously named Patriot Act has been the law of the land ever since. Despite the political caterwauling back and forth, both parties were on board and have largely remained on board ever since. The law’s most recent extension was shepherded through Congress by none other than Nancy Pelosi. Well, now thanks to an intrepid reporter from a BRITISH newspaper the Guardian, we have discovered just how much of our privacy we have lost. Even the darkest conspiracy theorists among us would have been hard pressed to come up with the facts of this revelation, the sheer scale of this invasion of personal privacy.

Late yesterday I actually read someone on National Review DEFEND this practice, a supposedly conservative, small government publication defending the biggest power grab of our lifetime. One’s phone records carry with them no expectation of privacy, this idiot argued, since you can call Verizon yourself and they will give you your phone records for as far back as you like. Yes, that’s true, you WashingtonDC insider moron, but having my phone company give my phone records to ME upon MY request is just a little different than my phone company giving those records to the GOVERNMENT without my consent!!

But Doug, but Doug, those terrible terrorist are lurking around every corner. Yes they are, as was just demonstrated to us by the two brothers in Boston. How come the sweeping Patriot Act powers didn’t prevent that attack? We are empowering our government by voluntarily giving up our rights as free men and women in exchange for an unrealistic expectation of safety that cannot possible exist. Is it worth it? The National Review defender closed out his argument this way, “ The problem here is not government power, it’s the people we have elected to wield it.”

This may very well be the worst sentence to appear in the National Review in 20 years. The secret intercept of billions of personal phone records of private citizens isn’t about government power gone wild, no, no,…it’s just about having Democrats like Obama and Holder in power?? This would all be perfectly fine if Chris Christie were at the helm?

No, Mr. Andrew McCarthy of National Review magazine, this is exhibit A in why our constitution is about LIMITING the power of government. It manifestly matters not how sterling a character we have in the Oval Office, because history tells us that power is the great corrupter. This is ALL about government power, you mental midget, and it has precious little to do with who wields it. The Patriot Act was a mistake made by free people in a moment of panic, and needs to be repealed at once. But guess what? Politicians from both sides of the aisle, having tasted the power of unrestricted surveillance, will not be in any hurry to give it up unless we the people raise a little bipartisan hell of our own and force them to.

Pam the Nurse

My wife knows me. She knows all about the good, the bad and the ugly. She’s knows what I’m going to do before I do. A perfect example of this sometimes irritating clairvoyance of hers happened last night after dinner.

When I got back from the hospital, I spent most of the afternoon relaxing out on the deck in these fabulous recliners we just bought. I caught up on my e-mail and browsed on Facebook for awhile until it was time to eat. During the meal we watched some episodes of Frasier that we had on DVR. I began to fidget after awhile, which is my wont. After the third episode, Pam looks at me and says, “ You getting bored already?” I didn’t have to answer, because she already knew that the earliest symptom of Dunnevant Derangement Syndrome had manifested itself. Boredom. She knows that this will be followed in time by, irritability, antsiness, extreme cabin fever, and finally, demands to be taken to AmFam so I can lift weights or some such ridiculous thing.

So, my wife disappears for a couple of minutes, then returns with both hands behind her back. “Pick a hand,” she says with a mischievous grin. I pick her left hand which is empty. “Sorry about that. Better luck next time.” Then after a laugh she gives me this:

                                                               

 No doubt she has many more of these surprises in store for me over the next few days, since I am such a notoriously awful patient, and…she knows me. This beautiful magazine, chocked full of the complete history of the Rat Pack and pages upon pages of glorious black and white photographs will keep me occupied and out of her hair for 3 or 4 hours. She knows that I so love Sinatra, I can’t possibly be thinking up some crazy scheme to sneak out of the house while I’ve got this magazine in my hands.

This woman is a one in a million.                                 

"How Did Your Surgery Go?"

5:00 am

Wake up for the last time from a long and restless night. Shoulder is pulsing out pain shots in rhythm with my heartbeat, a new twist. Realize that I am starving. Would give anything for a six cheese bagel with cream cheese from Einstein’s, but it occurs to me that I have to observe a strict fast until surgery is over, which includes coffee.

6:15 am

Start browsing through my morning news sources where I learn that the biggest overnight story concerns the First Lady getting heckled during a speech by a lesbian activist. The “news” was the normally unflappable First Lady’s rather petulant response which involved a threat to storm out of the place if this protester didn’t shut up, to which I would reply, “Relax Michelle. You’re nobody in Washington until you’ve been heckled by a lesbian activist.”

8:00 am

Receive phone call from Jennifer at Tuckahoe Orthopedic reminding me of my 10:00 am surgery time. She sounds positively giddy at the prospect, a woman who clearly loves her job.

8:19 am

Raging hunger pains in empty stomach serving as excellent distraction, since I’m so freaking hungry, I haven’t felt any shoulder pain in over an hour.

8:35 am

Take hot shower and wonder how long it will be before I get to take another.

9:45 am

Arrive at Surgery center and sign my name 25 times to various releases and medical CYAs, one of which inquires as to whether or not I have a “do not resuscitate” order. I take this as a bad sign.

10:00 am

Sit in waiting room listening to some guy on MSNBC say that for conservatives, the term “IRS” is the new “n*****”. Wasn’t aware that I had already been given drugs since this couldn’t possibly be true

10:20 am

Administered sedative and other powerful drugs by Anesthesiologist from Budapest, Hungary. Why exactly I can remember this detail, but can never remember where I left my keys remains a mystery.

11:05 am

Wheeled back into operating room which was a delightfully balmy 55 degrees. Was asked by my new Hungarian best friend to count backwards from 10 to 1. Made it to 8.

1:50 pm

Wake up in recovery room feeling much discomfort in shoulder. So much for the vaunted “nerve block”. Lovely nurse cranked up some Demerol and all was well. Surgeon comes in to tell us the good news that the tendons weren’t as torn up as he had feared. Bone spurs were successfully removed and my recovery time will be much faster because of this happy news.

2:30 pm thru 6:55 pm

Between naps and eating amazingly delicious food prepared by my sainted wife, I learn that Steven Strasburg has been placed on the 15 day DL, and that idiot on MSNBC was in fact a real person and actually accused republicans of meaning “n*****” when they say “IRS”. Received phone calls and texts from several dear friends, which made me very happy to know that I have chosen my friends so well. All of you know who you are. Just know that you guys mean a lot to me.

My Shoulder Surgery and a Preemptive Apology

Tomorrow I will be undergoing rotator cuff surgery. This will be only the second surgical procedure of my life, the first being the open heart variety ten years ago which left a 7 inch scar running down the middle of my chest and quite the lasting impression on my psyche. Shoulder surgery, by contrast should be a comparative breeze since A. It’s not life threatening, and B. It’s being done arthroscopically leaving behind only a suspicious hole. Not only that, but it’s an outpatient deal; I’ll be home in my own bed tomorrow night.

Only thing that is worrisome about this business is how often I am being reminded by everyone I know and even by complete strangers in bank parking lots, of how painful the aftermath of shoulder surgery can be. The descriptions I have heard have ranged from the polite to the hysterical. The following is but a small sample.

My Doctor: Quite painful

Nurse I know: One of the worse pains ever

Client: The worst rehab ever, thought I was gonna die.

Client: Shoulder surgery (screws up face in horror) so sorry to hear that.

Random man in bank parking lot wearing sling two weeks after his own rotator cuff surgery: Hurts like a m***** f*****!!

My Doctor: Quite horrible actually, which I feel qualified to say since I had this exact procedure done two years ago. But, you know what they say…no pain no gain (fake grin).

 

I consider myself something of a tough guy, but I don’t mind telling you that after all of this doom saying, I have felt compelled to ask my doctor about pain medication. His reply wasn’t encouraging. “Well, of course we will provide you with strong pain medicine during your recovery, but that’s just dull it the best we can.” Hmmm…

About a week ago I wrote a blog entitled, Things Are Never as Bad as They Seem. I hope I don’t have to change that title to…Things Are Never as Bad as They…GGGAAAAAAACKKKKKK, what the hell was that???!!!

Hopefully, all the dire predictions will prove to be wrong, and I will sail through this business with ease. However, one thing can’t be avoided and that is that my typing proficiency will be cut in half, reduced from hunt and peck to merely peck, which combined with heavy doses of pain meds might produce some bizarre blogs in the coming weeks which I would like to apologize for in advance. If you read that I have become a liberal democrat, have decided to leave my wife, or have become a huge soccer fan, blame it on the Percocet.

The Lerner Method

This is the face of the American bureaucracy. She is stern, emotionless, and incredibly pissed that Congress would have the unmitigated gall to question her competence. Those pursed lips, those you can’t touch me, I’m with the IRS eyes, that Beatles-chic haircut, all practically scream at you, “TAKE A NUMBER”!  She has the look of someone who is thinking, “When I get back to the office I’m going to audit every one of you assholes.”

But the best thing about Lois Lerner, the Director of Tax-Exempt Organizations at the Internal Revenue Service, was her testimony. The Congressmen had requested her appearance to offer her a chance to explain how the harassment of those organizations applying for tax-exempt status that happened to be politically conservative could have taken place on her watch, while liberal organizations like those of the President’s brother, were being approved in less than three weeks, a turn-around time unheard of bureaucratic circles, the equivalent of a nanosecond in government. Ms. Lerner, with cool contempt, invoked her 5^th amendment rights against self-incrimination thusly, “I have done nothing wrong, and I will not be answering any of your questions.”

First of all, it is my understanding that one can’t offer a defense of one’s actions, then invoke the 5^th. That would be like offering testimony that doesn’t allow cross examination, but what do I know?  Regardless of its legality, these now famous words will come in quite handily if I’m ever audited by Ms. Lerner’s employer. Come to think of it, I can think of many times in my life when I might have been well served to invoke the “Lerner Method” when being questioned about my actions:

                                                          #1

 Mom: Douglas, would you care to explain why there are muddy footprints from the back door all the way to your bedroom when I’ve told you a thousand times to take your shoes off before you come in the house??!!

Me: I have done nothing wrong, and I will not be answering any of your questions.

Mom: Oh, well…ok.

                                                         #2

 Coach: Dunnevant!! If I’ve told you once I’ve told you a thousand times, never make the first out of an inning at third base. Why in hell did you try to go from first to third on a base hit to left field??

Me: I have done nothing wrong and I will not be answering any of your questions.

Coach: Sure, Well, keep up the good work, son.

 

                                                               #3

 Pam: Honey, look at this plate. What do you see? Isn’t that some sort of spinach baked on? Doesn’t that suggest that this plate might not be clean? When you are emptying the dish washer, would it kill you to actually look at the dishes to make sure they aren’t still dirty??

Me: I have done nothing wrong and I will not be answering any of your questions.

Pam: Ok, and let me say how much I appreciate your effort.

Canadian Generosity vs. American Incompetence

We have all been terrified these past few weeks watching the devastation visited upon the good people of Oklahoma by a series of powerful tornados; entire houses lifted off their foundations and whirled about like so many vegetables in a blender, children sucked out of cars by the force of killer winds. It has been a brutal thing to watch and even more difficult to contemplate. But while most of us are sitting around contemplating, an amazing group of Canadians decided to do something about the suffering.

Our neighbors to the north, moved by compassion for suffering people a thousand miles away went to work gathering life sustaining food, water and clothing. Before long there was a tractor-trailer full on its way, sent by a Christian relief group called the Windsor Lifeline Outreach. I have always had a fondness for all things Canadian, such a beautiful country with which we share a border and with whom we have been at peace for over two hundred years. But to learn that a group of them would be so moved to action by the suffering of Americans so far away, raised my admiration for Canada to an even higher place.

Unfortunately, our Department of Homeland Security believes that no good deed should go unpunished. Ever-vigilant, American officials at the border refused to let the shipment proceed until all 20,000 kilograms of food, blankets and diapers onboard was itemized in alphabetical order with the country of origin of each product noted. A spokesman for Windsor Lifeline Outreach, Dennis Suave, said that it was a physical impossibility to do the paperwork required to get the perishable food to Oklahoma before it spoils.

Defenders of all things government will be quick to point out that I would be singing a different tune if a nuclear bomb was hidden cleverly inside a package of Huggies. Lovers of the all-powerful State will make the case that the Windsor Outreach people should not have shipped perishable food in the first place, that this is what happens when mere civilians get involved in disaster relief instead of leaving it to government experts. Big government types will applaud Homeland Security for doing their job, keeping us safe from rampant, out of control Canadian humanitarianism.

The first casualty of the War on Terror was the Bill of Rights, the second apparently is our common sense. Despite our government’s ham-fisted response, I would like to thank the good people of Canada for their big hearted gesture of good will, and offer my apologies for our inability as a nation to overcome the stupidity of our bureaucracy.

Paper or Plastic?

When the bag boy at the checkout line asks if you want paper or plastic, why on God’s green earth would anyone say “plastic”? This is the question of the day. But before I answer it, I must point out that my use of the term “bag boy” in no way was meant as a slight to the many fine bag GIRLS out there. The use of bag boy was simple an all-inclusive term, gender neutral, meant to refer to all the hard-working bag persons employed in the grocery business. Perhaps I should just say bag person, since if I said bag girl, it might be misunderstood as bag lady, an entirely different thing……..(see what political correctness has done to the English language?)

Anyway, about this paper vs. plastic deal, the mere existence of those wispy-thin litter-makers is proof that sometimes, “progress” is too clever by half. What imbecile decided that paper grocery bags needed to be replaced? Probably some tree-hugging enviro-idiot. “”We need to save the trees from the greedy capitalist logging industry, so let’s create grocery bags out of thin plastic that will clog landfills the world over for the thousand years it will take for them to biodegrade!”  Pin-headed idiots!

Not only are plastic bags an environmental hazard, they are practically worthless for their intended purpose since if one bag contains anything heavier than a roll of paper towels and a bag of chips, a hole will rip the bottom wide open. The worse part is, when you get them home, the bags don’t stand up when you place them on the floor. You let go of the thing and suddenly cans of soup and apples are rolling across the kitchen floor every which way.

Contrast that with the sturdy versatility and ruggedness of the conventional paper grocery bag. They stand up straight and tall when full, they double as trash bag liners, book covers, head gear for embarrassed sports fans, even present wrapping paper for men. A question to all you dog owners out there, when it’s time to clear the back yard of dog poop, what do you want in your hand, a double strength paper grocery bag, or some pathetic plastic thing that won’t even stay open at the slightest suggestion of a breeze? You throw one of Fido’s fresh ones in one of those plastic bags and it would melt right through the bottom like throwing a plastic cup in a bonfire.

Paper or plastic? They might as well ask a kid on Halloween, “you want candy or rocks?” The bank might as well ask me, “you want a hand full of twenties or some nickels?”

Come on, people! Stop the madness! Just say "NO" to plastic bags.