5:00 am
Wake up for the last time from a long and restless
night. Shoulder is pulsing out pain shots in rhythm with my heartbeat, a new
twist. Realize that I am starving. Would give anything for a six cheese bagel
with cream cheese from Einstein’s, but it occurs to me that I have to observe a
strict fast until surgery is over, which includes coffee.
6:15 am
Start browsing through my morning news sources where
I learn that the biggest overnight story concerns the First Lady getting
heckled during a speech by a lesbian activist. The “news” was the normally
unflappable First Lady’s rather petulant response which involved a threat to
storm out of the place if this protester didn’t shut up, to which I would
reply, “Relax Michelle. You’re nobody in Washington until you’ve been heckled
by a lesbian activist.”
8:00 am
Receive phone call from Jennifer at Tuckahoe
Orthopedic reminding me of my 10:00 am surgery time. She sounds positively
giddy at the prospect, a woman who clearly loves her job.
8:19 am
Raging hunger pains in empty stomach serving as
excellent distraction, since I’m so freaking hungry, I haven’t felt any
shoulder pain in over an hour.
8:35 am
Take hot shower and wonder how long it will be
before I get to take another.
9:45 am
Arrive at Surgery center and sign my name 25 times
to various releases and medical CYAs, one of which inquires as to whether or
not I have a “do not resuscitate” order. I take this as a bad sign.
10:00 am
Sit in waiting room listening to some guy on MSNBC
say that for conservatives, the term “IRS” is the new “n*****”. Wasn’t aware
that I had already been given drugs since this couldn’t possibly be true
10:20 am
Administered sedative and other powerful drugs by
Anesthesiologist from Budapest, Hungary. Why exactly I can remember this
detail, but can never remember where I left my keys remains a mystery.
11:05 am
Wheeled back into operating room which was a delightfully
balmy 55 degrees. Was asked by my new Hungarian best friend to count backwards
from 10 to 1. Made it to 8.
1:50 pm
Wake up in recovery room feeling much discomfort in
shoulder. So much for the vaunted “nerve block”. Lovely nurse cranked up some Demerol
and all was well. Surgeon comes in to tell us the good news that the tendons
weren’t as torn up as he had feared. Bone spurs were successfully removed and
my recovery time will be much faster because of this happy news.
2:30 pm thru 6:55 pm
Between naps and eating amazingly delicious food
prepared by my sainted wife, I learn that Steven Strasburg has been placed on
the 15 day DL, and that idiot on MSNBC was in fact a real person and actually
accused republicans of meaning “n*****” when they say “IRS”. Received phone
calls and texts from several dear friends, which made me very happy to know
that I have chosen my friends so well. All of you know who you are. Just know
that you guys mean a lot to me.
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