Christmas vs. Thanksgiving...You Be The Judge

November is here. That means that the days are getting shorter and colder, and that the Holiday season will soon be upon us with all of its frenzied list making and doomed expectations. Thanksgiving and Christmas, separated by 31 calendar days and roughly $5,000 in out of pocket expenses. Let me now compare and contrast these two memory filled days.

Thanksgiving is uniquely American. We all know its Pilgrim roots. We all know the menu. We all know of the football games, and the Macy parade. As a man, I readily admit that it’s the perfect holiday, and I totally understand why Grandmothers, Mothers, Sisters and Daughters might not be equally enthusiastic. That’s why I capitalized each of them, as a measure of my undying respect for all that they do to maintain the culinary tradition, and with the sincere hope that they never rise up and throw off the chains that have bound them to the stove on this blessed day for now some 300 years. When I was a teenager, the day would start with squirrel hunting with my best friend Al. He was a slightly better shot but mostly the squirrels were safe from our inept. 22 rifles. Now the day usually starts with leaf raking or other outdoor chores with my kids, who aren’t actually kids anymore, but who are actually both home for a change, so I get to pretend that they are kids. Around noon, we load up in the car and head over to Nanny and Papa’s place. On the way, we all sing, “Over the river and through the woods”, and since it’s MY family, we do so in 4 part harmony. Then Pam officially rings in the season with the first playing of the Carpenters Christmas album or the velvet tones of Nat King Cole. Our kids not only know every word, but in Patrick’s case, each orchestral flourish. I listen to virtually the exact same family banter each and every year on this 20 minute drive and each and every year I discover the closest thing to perfect peace that I have ever known.

There are usually 20 people or so at Thanksgiving, although that number has been on the rise gradually over the years with the addition of newborns and boyfriends. At some point it will become a logistical nightmare. Who am I kidding? It’s a logistical nightmare already, but that’s a problem for the women to figure out. Meanwhile, its time for a football game. The players are ready, the team captains are my brother Donnie and me. Ryan keeps all the stats and can tell you how many catches he had in 2009’s classic come-from-behind victory for Donnie’s Dominators. I counter with the observation that statistics are for LOSERS, and besides, if we had real referees in that game Doug’s Destroyers would have won easily. After my team wins when Patrick jukes Ryan out of his gigantic shoes for the winning touchdown, it’s time to gather around the table. In our family, the table is a thing of beauty with no small amount of artistic flair. There are brightly colored leaves sprinkled randomly on the white table cloth. There are a couple of cornucopia horns of plenty. There are usually a few tacky turkey statues round about, as if THEY had anything to be thankful for. And then there are the place cards. Yes, no Dunnevant/Schwartz/Roop event can be complete without a seating chart. Luckily, this feature is a matter of organization, not politics, since we have no continual grudges to message in our family. We all sorta get along. It’s truly remarkable . I try to manipulate the chart to get a seat near the middle of the table so as to insure access to hot rolls. There is turkey and ham, sweet potato casserole, mashed potatoes with gravy, green beans, corn(or what the Indians called “maze”). There’s also the dreaded and misconceived corn pudding, the title alone being clear warning of the dangers lurking in such an ill-named dish. There’s sweet tea, water, and coffee. After this heavenly dining experience, we linger at the table in groups of 5 or 6 talking and laughing. We eventually make our way to the large flip-chart easel labeled, “What I’m Thankful For In 2011”. I look at what others have written and see words like “job”, “family”, “healing”, “husband”, “wife”. I pick up the marker and write something. What I should write is, “I’m thankful for the beauty and simplicity of gratitude and how easy it is to express on this wonderful day.”


Christmas is uniquely pagan. Now, don’t get me wrong. I don’t hate everything about Christmas. Parts of it are quite endearing. Putting up the tree and the grand illumination. Our Christmas eve traditions, Christmas Pajamas, reading the Night Before Christmas, putting out the cookies for Santa and the carrots for his reindeer. Going to the candlelight Christmas Eve service at Grove and then to Outback for dinner... all wonderful memories. But, before we can get to that part there’s the list making, the name drawing, the family Christmas website ( don’t ask!!). Then there’s the frustration with the crappy lists, or those family members who wait until the last minute to even make a list and when they do the only thing they put on it is “socks”. I mean, can we at least get a color? Would it kill you to give us some hint of whether you prefer brown, black or blue?? Seriously, “socks” isn’t very specific. Do you want the wool kind that start to sag down around the ankles after two trips through the washing machine, or the kind made out of that stretchy nylon which bite into your shins until they actually leave marks by the end of the day? It’s not just the socks or the lists for that matter, it’s the relentless pursuit required to get it all done in time. Christmas has morphed into a vital monetary injection required to sustain our economic way of life. If suddenly, Americans all decided to divorce the Saviors birth from the buying and exchange of gifts, our economy would be plunged into a depression that would make the 1930’s look like child’s play. Whenever I have cautiously broached even the vague concept of such a thing to our family, I am called unflattering names comparing me to everyone from Ebenezer Scrooge to King Herod. So each year the fruit of our collective labors is all hauled from our loaded cars into the largest room we can find. Each family takes 30 minutes to distribute their pile into the appropriate chair in the ever expanding circle of death that surrounds the largess. Then for the next 6 hours we all enjoy the joy and childlike wonder of watching each family member open each of their presents one by one. Yes, nothing says, “Lets Keep Christ In Christmas”, quite like 6 hours of materialistic glee. Only , the glee part is over usually around the 2 hour and 15 minute mark, when several of the men have nodded off, others are in deep whispered conversations about how they are “never going to do this again”, and everyone else is trying earnestly to look thrilled that the lovely scarf that Jenny just opened goes perfectly with the dress that she almost bought last week while shopping for the Christmas present for Sylvia that she couldn’t find this morning to save her life. Feliz Navidad.

It has been said, by me I think, that Thanksgiving is everything Christmas is supposed to be because there are no presents to gum up the works. I stand by the simple wisdom of that statement.

Week 10....Is there a big game this week?

OK..after 9 weeks of meaningless preliminaries, college football fans have finally arrived at the super bowl. We all saw this game on the schedule a year ago and have been anxiously awaiting the game of the decade ever since. I am referring, of course, to the epic battle being waged today between Mississippi and Kentucky at Commonwealth Stadium in Lexington, Kentucky. Michael Slagle has been so amped up, he hasn’t been able to sleep or keep solid food down for days. So I’ll start this weeks’ picks off with this headline match up.

Mississippi vs. Kentucky

The only thing I am sure of this week is the fact that after this game, one of these teams will have their first victory over an SEC team. Yes, these two programs are a combined 0-9 against conference competition, making this game possibly the worst SEC game to ever be played. But, no doubt, our buddy Slagle will be there up in the nose-bleed section , all painted up in Kentucky blue screaming his lungs out for each rare Wildcat first down. The over and under on Ky. First downs, I believe , is 10. Anyway, to the relief of many this game will eventually end and Slagle’s Wildcats will have their first SEC victory, 10-9.

UVA vs. Maryland

Every time I’m sure that Virginia is done they go and pull something like beating Miami. So I should be encouraged, I suppose. But they are, at the end of the day, the Cavaliers. How can a football team mascot be so cavalierly named? Anyway, should they beat Maryland? Yes. WILL they beat Maryland, get that illusive sixth victory, become bowl-eligible , and cement Mike London’s future? ( cue up Jeopardy theme music). The answer is What is “ no way”. Maryland 17-16.

UR vs. Old Dominion

How bad has the 2011 edition of my Spiders been? Well, in addition to all of the turnovers, inept coaching, blown leads and penalties, now comes the humiliation of getting beaten by an in- state rival who has only fielded a football team for 3 years. But this will be the bottom from which my boys will rise, like a phoenix out of the ashes, to once again compete for a national title…ODU 28-17.

Kansas State vs. Oklahoma State

Two teams with good records, one undefeated, the other with only one loss. The problem for K State is that the loss was last week to the OTHER team from Oklahoma, and it wasn’t just any loss but an ass-whippin on national television. I don’t think this game will be any different. Oklahoma State 58-17.

South Carolina vs. Arkansas

If it weren’t for the “other” big game, this match-up would get top billing. Arkansas has the great passing game but the third worst defense in the conference. South Carolina has the third best defense behind “you know who” but an indifferent offense that has gotten worse rather than better over the course of the season. Arkansas wins 35-30.

Alabama vs. LSU

Two best teams in the nation. Both of them would probably win more games in the NFL than the Redskins will this year. No matter who wins, I believe they should play a rematch for the national title in January. If this game were being played in Baton Rouge I would give the edge to the Tigers. Since its being played in Tuscaloosa, and since every other pick I’ve made this week has favored the home team, I’m picking Alabama 24-20. Roll Tide.

Week 9...Here's 6 home teams who are going down!!

Whenever the World Series is being played, my interest in football falls off the edge of the earth. This years’ series was especially classic, so I have been even more isolated from college football news than usual. Add to that the fact that my “bad feeling” from last week proved prophetic. The resulting 3-3 record was my worst so far. It all adds up to a very low enthusiasm level for this weeks’ endeavor. But, much of success in life is the result of merely showing up, regardless of how you feel. So, I soldier on and offer these games for your consideration:

Michigan State vs. Nebraska

The Spartans come off a thrilling hail-Mary pass that beat Wisconsin. Nebraska has the advantage of being at home. I don’t think that Nebraska’s offense is good enough to move the ball against State’s defense. However, Nebraska defense may have finally found an offense anemic enough for them to stop. This might be the ugliest, most boring, grind it out struggle of the year. In other words, Big Ten football at its best. Michigan State 16-9.

Oklahoma vs. Kansas State

Is there anyone in America outside of the state of Kansas who believes that Kansas State deserves to be ranked #11 in the country? Further, is there anyone outside of Manhattan, Kansas who believes that the Wildcats will actually beat the Sooners? Psshhttt! Oklahoma 48-21.

Georgia vs. Florida

No matter how many veins Will Muschamp explodes during his lunatic sideline rants, the fact of the matter is, the Gators just aren’t that good. Perhaps if he channeled the energy from those spittle-flinging rages into teaching his defense to tackle and his offensive line to block, the results would be better. Georgia, on the other hand, has managed to right the ship after a slow start. With far less juvenile histrionics, Mark Richt has his squad playing better each week. Here, I go with my heart and predict what should happen rather than what probably will happen…Georgia 24-20.

Clemson vs. Georgia Tech

Georgia Tech has managed to lose to Virginia and Miami in consecutive weeks, proving beyond doubt that they suck and their early season record was overblown. Their defense gave up 24 points to Virginia…that’s right, the cavaliers. Clemson is good. The Tiger offense is terrific, and although their defense isn’t good enough to stop an elite SEC team, they are good enough to beat a team as one dimensional as the Rambling Wreck from Georgia Tech. 35-17

Stanford vs. USC

What the heck? Two weeks in a row I’m talking about west coast football?? OK, I’ll make this brief. Stanford is the much better team on both sides of the ball. USC, being banned from bowl appearances this year, will be amped up for this game like it was the Rose Bowl, and they are playing at home. Doesn’t matter. Luck is that good. Stanford 39-30.

Wisconsin vs. Ohio State

Reading back over my first 5 picks it dawns on me that I have picked against the home team 5 times. Wisconsin must be on the ultimate downer after the shocking way they lost last week. Ohio State has a lot of pride and are playing at the horse-shoe. But there is very little offense to go along with all that pride, so make that 6 home team losers. Wisconsin 28-10.

Game Six. A Beautiful and Ugly Thing

I was there, in front of the TV, for every pitch of game six in 1975 when Carlton Fisk delivered. I watched every gut-wrenching inning of the epic game seven dual between Jack Morris and John Smoltz in 1991. I nearly cried when poor Bill Buckner let Mookie Wilson’s slow roller through his legs in game six in 1986. But nothing in my wild and varied baseball history prepared me for what I witnessed last night in St. Louis. It was simply the most thrilling, exciting, baseball game I have ever seen. Ever.

First of all, I should point out the fact I have no dog in this fight. I hold no strong feelings for either club. I have watched nearly every inning of all six games of this series because, well, because I am an unrepentant baseball guy and that means that no matter who is playing in the post season, you watch. As the series has played out I have found myself leaning towards the Rangers, primarily because their manager is a whirling dervish of little league, wild-eyed joy in the dugout. Also, they appear to be the better team, with more depth, and at least on paper, a better bull-pen. But, my loyalty to the game has rewarded me handsomely in this series. Each game has been an edge-of-the-seat thriller, culminating last night in what can only be described as a collision of Shakespearean drama and Greek tragedy.

I am not a sports writer so if you want to know the pitch by pitch details you’ll have to consult Sports Center or Yahoo Sports. Suffice it to say that if a script writer turned in this whooper in Hollywood, the suits would laugh him out of the room. The two remaining teams in the big leagues , on the games’ biggest stage committed 5 errors in the first 7 innings, some, the comic variety, including David Freese who dropped a routine pop up at third base. A pitcher threw a pick off attempt wildly into center field. An all-star outfielder dropped a fly ball. There were botched double plays, wild pitches, and balls being bobbled around all over the place. But it wasn’t just the players doing weird things, the two managers put on a clinic of how NOT to manage a baseball team. Tony Larussa ran out of position players in the 8th inning of what turned out to be an 11 inning game, leaving him no choice but to send pitchers up to pinch hit. And Ron Washington, while a fresh and entertaining personality isn’t exactly a tactical genius. His decision making process with regards to the use of relief pitchers is, lets just say, a thing of profound mystery. No, this game wasn’t awesome because it was a showcase of virtuosity. It was awesome because each player on both teams over the last 3 innings just refused to give up, refused to lose.

After going ahead 7-4 on back to back home runs in the seventh inning, the Rangers lead looked safe even after St. Louis got a run back in the eighth, because the Texas closer, Neftali Feliz would pitch the 9th. With two outs, two on and two strikes on the Cardinal batter, the Rangers were one strike away from glory when David Freese,( yeah, THAT David Freese, the one who dropped the pop-up ) , tripled off the right field wall to tie the game and send it to extra innings. In the top of the 11th, the Rangers best player, Josh Hamilton who has been battling a painful groin injury the entire post season, came up with a man on base. It has been painful to watch this kid try to swing a bat. Every time he swings and misses, its everything he can do to keep from grabbing his crotch and doubling over on national TV. He has been reduced to weak arms only swings that have produced ground ball singles and not much else. Until now. In Kirk Gibson fashion, he pounds a ball deep into the right-center field stands and everyone in the stadium and everyone watching on television had the feeling that they had witnessed one of the greatest home runs in world series history. It was perfect, the struggling star guts it out the whole series and finally hits a miraculous bomb that leads his team to victory. Unfortunately for Hamilton, his home run is only a footnote because the bottom of the 10th had to be played. This time the Rangers would once again come within one strike of a world championship, and once again a Cardinal hitter would somehow come through with a clutch hit to tie the game and send it deeper into the night.

I looked at the clock. It was 12:45. I had been watching this game for 4 hours and 30 minutes. The lead off hitter for St. Louis in the 11th was our friend Mr. Freese. Did I mention that the kid is actually from St. Louis? Yeah, he’s a home town boy. The eighth pitcher of the night for Texas threw a 95 mph fastball and the kid hit it 400 feet into the grass field right behind the center field wall. 10-9. The Cardinals win and there will be a game seven tonight for the first time since 2002. I have no idea who will win. Can the Rangers recover from being within one pitch of victory not once but twice? Will the Cardinals have used up their ration of clutch hitting and suffer a mental and physical let down after so dramatic a win? I have no idea, but I will be watching. Won’t miss a pitch. These are the boys of summer, and at a time when much of life in America disappoints, these guys never do in October.

Week 8...I've got a bad feeling...

My 31-11 record over these past seven weeks makes me think that either I have an intuitive proclivity for this business ….or, I am living on borrowed time and the law of numbers is about to bite me in the “you-know-where”. This weeks’ games are all difficult. Something tells me that I am due for an off week. So, with all of that negativity and foreboding working against me, here I go:


Auburn vs. LSU

Although LSU remains unbeaten and is ranked number 2 in the nation, each week, it seems, they lose yet another player to some sin of the flesh. This week they are without the services of their best defensive player, who along with two of his teammates, just couldn’t resist firing up a “synthetic “ joint. Luckily for the Tigers, the suspension expires just in time for the stars to return for the big game against Alabama in a couple weeks. Funny how that worked out. So, looks like Auburn is catching a break. Won’t matter, since the back-ups for LSU are probably better than Auburn’s starters. LSU 28-17.

Wisconsin vs. Michigan State

Ok, here’s the deal. I watched some of the Michigan State win over Michigan and I’m here to tell you, the Spartans have an offense that is offensive to watch. They set back the forward pass decades. Even Woody Hayes thinks they need to open up the play book! But those dudes look pretty stout on defense. Wisconsin on the other hand comes in with a gaudy record of pounding the day-lights out of pathetic teams. Who can forget their epic battles with the likes of UNLV, South Dakota, Northern Illinois, and Indiana? Well, its October 22 and they are finally getting ready to play an away game against a quality foe. Love Russell Wilson. Michigan State seems to have an awful lot of white guys, usually a bad sign in big games. Hmmm. Wisconsin wins but not impressively enough to keep from dropping in the polls…20-14.

Washington vs. Stanford

Yes. I have a bias against west coast football. This will be my first and probably last time picking the winner of a Pac-10 game ( …or is it Pac 12??). The reason I don’t care for west coast football is because there’s just something incongruous about California and football. I know, I know USC used to be awesome. But for me, football is the south and the Midwest. California is for surfers. It’s a place where all the girls want to be actresses and all the guys want to be ..girls. I don’t know man, just not feeling any Washington vs. Stanford vibe. So I’ll go with the team that has the best quarterback. Stanford wins 33-28.

N.C. State vs. UVA

Last week Mike London and the boys got their signature win against the 12th ranked team in the country, Georgia Tech. Good for them. But to make that win have real meaning, he needs to follow it up by beating a team that UVA should beat. The wolf pack stinks in just about every way and even though UVA stinks probably just as bad, they should be able to win this despite playing in front of the worst football fans in history…” Why Buffy, I do believe we missed the entire third quarter because you insisted on getting that mint-julep recipe from Millicent Fenweather. But not to worry, my love, we still have more runs than the other team.” UVA 19-13.

Maine vs. UR

My spiders are in a rebuilding year. That’s what you say when you used to be great and now you suck. We have a decent quarterback who throws the ball all over the field. Unfortunately, we have a defense that lets the other guys run all over the field more. Maine’s only loss was a 35-29 near upset of division 1 Pitt. They are tough, play terrific defense, and they all have annoying down-east accents. Maine will throttle my spiders 40- 28.

St. Louis vs. Texas

In case you weren’t aware, the World Series is being played. But since neither the Yankees, Red Sox, or Phillies are playing there are like 16 people in the country actually watching the thing. Well, you idiots are missing out. They have both played some terrific baseball. Although I don’t have a rooting interest in either team, the Rangers have been growing on me, especially their wild man manager Ron Washington, who seems to be in love with the game and shamelessly cheers like a proud parent every time his team does something good. Its quite charming to watch someone so overflowing with joy in the midst of so much pressure and seriousness. To watch Ron Washington in the dugout in a rally is to be reminded that it is after all a game and should be above all else...fun. Rangers 6-5.

Parenthood, best show on TV

Tonight Pam and I settled in with a marvelous dinner to watch Tuesday nights’ episode of Parenthood. For those of you who don’t know, Parenthood is the best show on TV since “24”, and possibly the best family drama of all time. However, this particular episode was a classic illustration of the difference between men and women, and more importantly why every family needs a strong father. The fact that Pam and I saw the same scene so differently just serves to prove my point.

Sarah is one of the main characters in the show and although quirky and semi-adorable at times, she is also a complete train wreck at other times. She has two teenage children and is raising them as a single Mom with prodigious amounts of help from her siblings and especially her Dad, Zeke ( one of my favorite characters on the show ). The father of Sarah’s two kids is a drug-addicted, ne’er do well who was so violent and despicable when he was her husband, that she was forced to leave him three years ago and move back home with her parents back when the show started. So, in this episode, good old Seth shows up out of nowhere, gets into a drunken brawl in a bar and calls Sarah to come rescue him literally from the gutter. By the end of the episode Seth has made the decision to enter rehab and Sarah goes to Zeke for some money to pay for it all. Seth and Sarah hold hands in front of their two incredulous kids and determine that they will get through this together “as a family”.

Here’s where the whole differences between men and women come in. Zeke absolutely refuses to pay a dime for Seth’s rehab. You know why? Because Zeke had to watch the hell that this bum put his daughter through the entire time he was whoring around and doing drugs when he should have been providing for her and their children. Zeke has had to stand by helpless as he watches his grandchildren struggle with feelings of inadequacy because their bum of a father couldn’t be bothered with raising them. Zeke is doing what every good father is wired to do, look after the best interests of his family and protect them from deadly predators.

So Sarah goes to her sister Julia, the well-off lawyer and her stay at home husband Joel for the money. Of course Joel says yes and in an impassioned speech says to a frustrated Zeke words to this effect…”Sarah has made a decision with her heart and you need to honor that.” Pam practically swooned at the sweetness and support that Joel showed in the scene, and I must admit, I do like Joel but get real. It’s one thing to show all this support and sweetness when you have no skin in the game. Sarah isn’t HIS daughter. Joel wasn’t around when Seth was beating Sarah up when the kids were toddlers. Besides, Joel is a stay at home Dad, and as such has probably lost a few mph’s on his fastball. I would also suggest that Joel will be singing a different tune 20 years from now when some drunk loser breaks little Sydney’s heart.

Every family needs a Zeke, someone who isn’t afraid to be the bad cop and put an end to all of the bleeding heart, give peace a chance nonsense that would abound if Mom’s and Sisters ruled the world. Here’s whats going to happen . Seth is going to get through rehab by some fakery, then further worm his way back into Sarah’s life to the point that she will then plead with Crosby and Adam to give him a job at their recording studio ( Seth was a musician in a rock band back in the day ). He will then succeed in poisoning the entire Braverman family dynamic. All because the women of the family ( and Joel ) wouldn’t listen to Zeke when he reminded them all that Seth had never done anything good for their family in his entire life.

Its ok Zeke. At least you tried to warn them!

The Disappearance........the conclusion

After travelling the back roads of the southeast for six months, camping at night and drifting about during the day, he found himself at the southern end of Route 1 in Key West, Florida. And it was here that he settled. He grew a beard and took up the name, Sandy Baker. He found a room to rent and landed a series of jobs as a dish-washer, grounds-keeper, and finally as a first mate on a private charter fishing boat ironically named the “Escape”. Everyone who knew Sandy liked him. He worked whenever he could and when he couldn’t, spent lots of time in small, out of the way bars as far away from the big crowds of Duval Street as possible. He found himself drinking a lot, and enjoying it quite a bit. Although if he had too much, he had a tendency to talk, so he tried to keep his heavy drinking to a minimum. He made no close friends but was friendly to everyone he met. The 100,000 bucks was holding up rather well, even after three years. It was amazing how far money would go when you didn’t own anything, he thought. In his poverty, he had become rich.

He thought about his family very little and about the life he had left behind even less. Every once in a while, usually after a night of drinking, he would allow himself to wonder how the family was getting along without him. One particular night he found himself in a discussion with a twenty-something year old kid named Bobby, who was in deep trouble with his girlfriend and his little son.
“What do you really want to do kid?” Sandy asked. Tears were in Bobby’s eyes and his hands began to shake. He looked up from his drink and whispered, “What I really want to do is get in my car, drive as far and as fast away from here as I can, and never look back.”
Sandy smiled and whispered back, “ Why don’t you do it then? Just disappear!”
“Are you nuts? I couldn’t do that…I could never ever do that. What about my kid?”
“You know what your trouble is Bobby?” Sandy began to sober up and his voice became clear, his diction precise. “Your trouble is that you don’t understand your calling. You are born into this world to be free. But with the passage of time you become enslaved by family and other so–called moral obligations, and before you know it, half of your life is over and you’ve done nothing for yourself. We aren’t placed into this world for the benefit and comfort of others, Bobby. Every man should be a king.”
Bobby stared back at the bearded middle-aged sun burnt face as if seeing it for the first time. “ So, what the hell are you the king of?”
“The rest of my life Bobby, the rest of my life.”
“Well, from the looks of things, the rest of your life is off to a rousing start.”

Only every once in a while would Sandy allow such conversations.

One day it all began to unravel. The Escape got chartered by a group of 10 very loud and boorish salesmen from some bank in New York. One of them, an older man, kept looking at Sandy with a puzzled expression….”Don’t I know you from someplace?,” he slurred, already hammered at 10 in the morning. Sandy glanced up from his lines of bait and hooks only quickly enough to say, “Nope.” For the rest of the day Sandy tried as best he could on such a small boat to avoid the man, but as the sun began to go down and the captain headed back to port, Sandy’s heart began to beat heavily in his chest as a glimmer of recognition flashed in his mind. He had met this man at a trade show in Chicago some years back where he had been manning a a booth promoting his software company. They had a long conversation and had even gone to dinner to discuss business. He couldn’t remember his name and he hoped and prayed that the now totally drunk banker couldn’t either. Sandy felt a hand slap on his back, and the unsteady banker hugged his neck and whispered loudly in his ear, “ I do know you!! It was Chicago, right? You had that software company, I think it was. Yeah!! Well, what the hell happened to you man??! Whatcha doin cuttin’ bait in freakin’ Key West??”

Sandy calmly shuffled away with busy work to occupy his hands. Without lifting his eyes from the work, he assured the banker that he was mistaken. That night Sandy went back to his room and counted his money. Still $42000 left. He really didn’t want to leave the Keys, everything was perfect there. Maybe the guy would never give it another thought. Maybe he was so drunk he wouldn’t even remember it tomorrow. Or maybe the stubborn old bastard would sober up, Google up the whole story and then go to the police.

From the Key West tip the FBI eventually cornered Sandy outside of a Waffle House in Sarasota. When they took him in he had $7800 left. Even without the beard he was unrecognizable and had lost 70 pounds since his lunch of teriaki wings four and a half years earlier. Two days after his arrest and just six hours before his wife was to come and make an identification, they found him dead on a cot in his holding cell. His heart had stopped beating. He had laid out to his full length, folded his arms neatly over his chest and calmly expired. It was as if he had willed the end to come, king of his swiveled life to the very end. He left no note and no explanation of the last four and a half years. His wife said simply, “ Yes, that’s him,” without a trace of sadness, bitterness, or regret. No tears shed for James Duncan. No tears shed for the king.