Surgery Postponed. I ramp Up My Joke Game.

Ok, so yesterday was supposed to be the day that my friend had her long anticipated surgery. Unfortunately, her body wouldn’t cooperate. She just hasn’t recovered enough from the chemo to endure major surgery yet. Something about platelets and neutrophils being too low. Needless to say, she was disappointed. But after venting about the unfairness of it all for five minutes, she began to see the wisdom in waiting just a couple weeks until she is stronger and her body is better able to endure such an operation. In other words, she wallowed in bitterness and self pity just long enough to remind me that she is human, then righted the ship and began to be thankful for God’s blessings once again. “I’m just trusting God, Doug. He’s got this.”

What was my contribution to her predicament? I reminded her that because the surgery got put off for three weeks, that meant that she was guaranteed three more weeks of my awesome jokes. If there was such a thing as a gun to the head eye roll emoji, she would have used it! 

Well, because of her spiritual insights to the news, I decided to go with a few religious-themed jokes:

What did the atheist say upon dying and meeting God?

“Well, I’ll be damned.”

Mother Superior had to crack down on sisters wearing perfume in the convent.

She made it clear that she wasn’t about to tolerate any nun scents.

Who was the greatest female financier in the Bible? Pharaoh’s daughter.

She went down to the Bank of the Nile and drew out a little prophet.

Who was the greatest male financier in the Bible? Noah.

He floated his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Why are there so many old people in church?

They’re cramming for the finals.

After she read these jokes she called the emergency 911 hospital number to she if they could slip her in this weekend!

Technology and Me

My son sent me a text yesterday with a picture from his hotel room in New Orleans. He is there on business and wanted me to know that he was in my old stomping ground. I lived there for three years from 1965-1968 while my Dad attended Seminary. I started thinking about the old cramped two bedroom apartment where all six of us lived back in those days. Just in case Patrick got a chance to do some sightseeing I thought maybe he would like to visit the place to check out where his dear old dad used to live. So, I FaceTimed my older brother and asked if he remembered our old address. Of course he did. My brother has a photographic memory for useless information, but can’t remember where he put his car keys...it’s a family trait!

A little later my brother sent me the following text:

Nice seeing you just now. Have we lived to see almost unimaginable tech advances since our youth? At Bluefield there was one men’s dorm, one cafeteria, and 1 pay phone on the wall entering the 3 story hotel. Now, every kid in grade school and even kindergarten has an iPhone, with more computer power than the ones used in the Apollo program! Unbelievable!

Unbelievable indeed. We are all beneficiaries of these technological miracles. We enjoy their conveniences every day. They have made our lives infinitely easier and more efficient. I wouldn’t want to go back to the way things were fifty years ago and neither would you. 

But, I feel so disconnected from technology. Yes, I use it, but I don’t understand it. In many ways, I am intimidated by computers. I don’t understand the language that tech people use when discussing it. Younger people seem to swim gracefully in the currents of technology, while I flail around gasping for air. Nothing I’ve done better illustrates my technological limitations more clearly than recent experiences trying to self publish my book. I will not bore you with the details, partly because that would be unforgivably boring, but mostly because...the details...escape me. That’s the problem. I don’t understand the details. Even when I think I’m beginning to grasp them, fifteen minutes later they vaporize and I’m back to being dazed and confused. If my writing is ever going to see the light of day in any substantial way, I will need someone else—possibly multiple someone else’s—to take over the details. Apparently, I am incapable of anything other than conceiving and writing the story. After that I turn into a bumbling idiot. 

Thoughts on the Death of Kobe Bryant

Professional basketball fell off my radar screen two decades ago. I was once a serious fan back in the Magic/Bird/Jordan days, but as I got older I lost interest. Today, I still know who most of the stars are but if you asked me to name the starting five of any team in the NBA I would be lost. But, I knew who Kobe Bryant was, and his tragic death yesterday felt like a blow to me. It’s funny how it is when famous people die unexpectedly. You feel an intimacy with the loss that you haven’t earned.

Over the next few days tributes will pour in from all sources of the media in praise of Kobe Bryant. This is good and proper. He was an iconic athlete and personality with millions of devoted fans all over the world. As a player he was one of the top five to ever play the game, I would think, although true basketball fans may argue the point. He played with a flair and flamboyance that few others had, and a fierce competitiveness that perhaps only Michael Jordan could top. But beyond his skill as a basketball player, I have no idea what kind of man he was. Yes, I do remember the 2003 sexual assault charge against him. I remember being disappointed in him at the time. But through all of that ugliness he and his wife managed to save their marriage and have four beautiful daughters, one of whom perished with her father on that ill-fated helicopter ride.

To learn of the death of anyone at age 41 feels like a blow. Then to learn that a 13 year old child was lost makes it even more jarring. One minute the man was on top of the world, fabulously rich, adored by millions, his future as limitless as the imagination. Then he gets on his private helicopter with eight others, a few minutes later the engine sputters and everything that was Kobe Bryant ends in a fireball on a hillside outside of Los Angeles. In the twinkling of an eye...

My life doesn’t resemble Kobe Bryant’s. I am not fabulously rich, or adored by millions. I’m more like comfortably well off and well- liked by tens. But, just like Kobe Bryant, I am flesh and blood. I am perishable. I am infinitely destructible. Kobe and I share one thing...our mortality. One day, for all of us, this life will end. And when it does, we all become equal. 

So, I pray for his family, although I don’t know anything about them. I mourn his untimely death although I never knew him, we never spoke a word. And I will think more about what sort of legacy I will leave behind when it’s my turn to become equal with all who have gone before me.

Bubba’s Oil Fire Killers

Crazy story...

A buddy of mine decided to quit his job and head down to Texas to become a wildcat oil man. It was a mid-life crisis sort of thing and he had plenty of money to get started so he went for it. Before long he had a few wells and was learning on the job. Things were going great until one day when one of his wells caught on fire. Well, my friend knew just enough about the oil business to be dangerous but didn’t know the first thing about how to put out an oil well fire. So, he did what anyone else in 2020 would do...he Googled it...and sure enough, four or five oil fire extinguishing companies came up. He called the first one and the guy wanted $25,000 to put the fire out. My friend thought that was a ripoff so he called the next one but discovered that he too wanted $25,000. Finally he got to the last company...Bubba’s Oil Fire Killers. My friend hesitated at the name but called because he was desperate. Bubba himself answered and said not only would he would put the fire out for $5,000, but he could be there within the hour! My friend was thrilled and hired him on the spot.

About an hour later, off in the distance, Bubba’s Oil Fire Killers truck appeared at the crest of the hill. It was a long flatbed truck with wooden side panels packed to the gills with men. There must have been fifty guys crammed in the back of that truck. My friend watched as the truck started descending down the hill to the burning oil well. The truck began picking up speed. As my friend watched he thought that maybe the truck was going too fast. Before long it was careening down the hill, out of control and headed right into the fire. My friend watched on in horror as the truck crashed into the burning well, sending fifty men flying this way and that. Suddenly he saw the men rolling on the ground while others began waving blankets all around. Within ten minutes and to my friend’s great amazement...the fire was out! He had never seen anything like it before in his life. He cautiously walked over to the truck and watched Bubba writing something on a clipboard. Then Bubba got out and handed my friend the bill for $5,000. 

My friend said, “Bubba, I have to say, that’s the most amazing thing I’ve ever seen. Your guys put that fire out in five minutes. Your method seemed unorthodox but it sure did work.”

Then he handed Bubba a check for $5,000

“So, Bubba,” my friend said. “It sure didn’t take you very long to earn this money. What are you gonna do with $5,000?”

Bubba looked at my friend and said...”Well, the first thing I’m gonna do is fix the brakes on that truck.”

My Friend, My Book, and Wong’s Tacos

So, here’s a snippet of a conversation I had with my friend this morning:

Me: So...any blood in the toilet this morning?

Pam: No blood. PTL. They put me on antibiotics for a UTI. They will do another blood test Tuesday to decide about surgery.

Me: Can you believe I just asked you that question? Can you even imagine that you and I would ever be talking about blood in the toilet?

Pam: NO!! It’s crazy. I consider you like my brother...

Me: ...your annoying bossy brother.

Pam: Exactly.

Yesterday she had a rough go of it. She ended up back at UVA where they discovered that her platelets had fallen to a point where she won’t be able to have surgery. She has seven days to get them up to appropriate levels or they will have to postpone the operation. To do this will require lots of rest and dietary adjustments. The rest part is difficult for her. She is ADHD and antsy as all get out—-just like me. But, she will have to dial it back and rest or pay the consequences. To that end I have been fussing at her...a lot.

So, say a prayer for my high strung, stubborn friend that she would be able to rest and eat properly over the next week.

In other news, I picked up the first proof of my book from the printer yesterday. Pam will be reading over it, looking for typos etc this weekend. Pretty exciting stuff...

One more thing. Last night, Pam and I tried a new place for dinner, Wong’s Tacos. Oh. My. Goodness. Its one of those fusion joints, a delectable mashup of Asian and Mexican cuisine. I had three tacos and a spring roll appetizer that were so delicious I nearly cried. It felt like the beginning of a beautiful friendship!

The Kids Are Alright

I have written many times in this space about my experiences with teenagers during the time I was involved in youth ministry at Grove Avenue. So many years have passed since those days there’s always the danger that I have romanticized the experience beyond recognition. We tend to do that with our memories. But yesterday I was reminded of why I loved working with teenagers so much. I received a long text from one of my favorite kids from those years. She is now a grown woman with a grown up job in another state. Before I share her words with you, a little background.

All teenagers might be created equal, but they don’t stay equal for long. Some of them, by the time I got them were disasters. Others were fragile flowers who I couldn’t imagine surviving in the real world as adults. Still others looked to me like sure things, confident, smart and engaging. In my ten years of youth ministry I met all kinds of kids, but I always seemed to have a soft spot for the ones with the rougher edges. These were the kids who asked the hardest questions, the ones who didn’t always say or do the right thing. They could be counted on to say just about anything, often inappropriate things. In other words, these were the kids who reminded me of exactly who I was at 17. This girl was one of those kids.

Each year, a group of kids would graduate out of the group and either go off to college or out into the workforce. Occasionally I would take one of them aside with a proposition that went like this:

“OK, kiddo. I want to make a deal with you. I want to give you something...but there are strings attached!!”

Then I would hand them a clean, crisp $100 bill. Their eyes would light up, but because these were unique kids, their eyes would narrow a bit...”Mister D, what are you up to??”

Then I would explain that this $100 bill was special. I wanted them to fold it neatly and hide it in their wallet and forget that it’s in there for a while. “One day,” I would say, “this $100 dollar bill is going to come in handy. There’s no telling what it might do. You might be presented with an investment opportunity, there might be an emergency that comes up where this forgotten 100 bucks will come to the rescue, the possibilities are endless. But there’s a catch....whatever you spend it on and no matter where you are when you do...you have to track me down and tell me the story.”

So, yesterday, I got this:

Hey Mister D! I can’t believe I forgot to tell you about this when it happened!  I drove to the Atlanta airport and parked my car in long term parking to go home for Christmas and the whole ride on the shuttle bus, I just kept thinking I wanted to give the driver the $100 bill. I’d never had such an overwhelming feeling about it all the years I’ve had it. He was just this sweet older middle aged black man talking about barbeque and his family, nothing special or that gave an impression he was particularly in need. But I got off the shuttle, told him about how you’d given me something when I graduated and said if I ever felt compelled to give it to someone, I should. And that I’d had it for almost 7 years and never felt compelled but I did tonight, and handed him the bill. He got teary eyed and hugged me and told me I’d blessed him and we wished each other a merry Christmas and I left to get on my flight! I don’t know how it blessed him or to what extent, but I really felt the Holy Spirit compelling me for some reason I’ll probably never know. I had actually forgotten about it since moving to Georgia, and sitting on the bus all of a sudden I just thought, “you have that $100 bill in your wallet” and couldn’t stop feeling that I needed to give it to him.

When I read this note emotions started welling up in me from all over the place. I pictured this spunky kid embracing the stunned shuttle driver, two total strangers hugging in an airport parking lot, wishing each other a merry Christmas. He will tell the story of the crazy white girl who gave him a $100 dollar bill with a tear in his eye for the rest of his life. How much will that story, that memory, be worth to him?

Nowadays, in some circles, it has become fashionable to rag on Millennials. Well, I worked with two or three hundred of them more than a decade ago before anyone was throwing that word around as an epitaph. I publish this story in part because it was such a blessing to me, but also as a reminder of something I know for a fact...the kids are alright.

Dinner With My Friend

Some disjointed thoughts after a very, very long day yesterday...

- Very relieved that the huge gun rights rally at the Capital proceeded so peacefully. With such a throng of people packed into such a small place, mixed with high passion and thousands of firearms, it could easily have degenerated into a catastrophe. The fact that it didn’t speaks well not only of the attendees, but also the law enforcement men and women in charge of security. Well done.

- Left the house at 7:00am. 700 miles later, rolled back into Short Pump at 10:00pm. Along the way I was able to have dinner with these people...

That’s my friend on the left sporting the latest in Cancer-chic headwear, her husband in the middle—the rose between two thorns—and her daughter on the right. This was the first time I had actually visited her since all this started. She made homemade soup. There were barbecued ribs and a ridiculous chocolate concoction for dessert. She kept apologizing for how she looked. “I have no hair. My skin is peeling off my hands and this hoodie makes me look fat!” To which I say...balderdash. 

I was expecting the worst. After everything this woman has endured for the past five months, I was expecting a hollowed out, emaciated  shell. Instead, she greeted me at the door with her customary smile, running her mouth a mile a minute like always. Yes, she has clearly been through a war and has the scars to prove it, but it’s still her, same smile, same personality, same generosity, same unquenched optimism.

But seriously y’all ...she has got to get well soon. This morning’s jokes...

“Happy day, friend.”