Taxes Are Great!!

There is a famous similarity between death and taxes, but it's the wrong one. Yes, they are both inevitable, but what really unites them is the anxiety that surrounds that inevitability. After all, we only die once, but pay taxes every year. Death at least has the virtue of being final.

As a business owner, I have no taxes, state or federal, withheld from my pay. Instead, I must write a check each and every month for what I "estimate" that I owe. This is over and above both my employee and employer Social Security taxes. Actually, I don't even write a check, rather, I make sure that the amount I owe is in my business account on the 15th of each month for the Feds and the 25th of the month for the State of Virginia, because that's when the eagle swoops in and takes via something called an "automatic debit transaction."

The hard part is the estimating. Basically, it works this way. You start with what you paid last year, then you compare your income from last year and compare it to this year and make adjustments accordingly. Seems straight forward enough on paper. The problem is that it never seems to work out how it's supposed to. No matter how much I pay during the year, I always have to pay more on April 15. It's like an intransigent, immutable law of physics. Of course, the fickle nature of business also plays no small roll in my tax-paying difficulties since cash flow is about the most cruel feature of any enterprise. What happens if the 15th rolls around and nothing is shaking in the receipt ledger? The IRS doesn't care about my cash flow difficulties, all they know is it's the 15th and they are hungry.

To aid me in my tax dealings, I employ an accountant. He has prepared my tax returns for over thirty years now. He knows more about my financial life than anyone on earth, including me. If he were to suddenly die of a heart attack, I would be lost. I give him all of my records in February every year and then the waiting begins. Sometime in early April, my tax return arrives via FEDEX weighing in at close to two pounds. My hands tremble as I pull the little rip chord thing at the top of the package. At the top of the pile is a cover letter which starts, "Doug, please find your 2014 tax returns enclosed. Sign the e-file authorization and fax it back to my office. Make a check payable to the U.S. Treasury in the amount of....."

Each year my heart sinks as I read the number. Each year I can't believe it. I was so careful this year, how could I possibly owe this much? For a minute I think that there must be some mistake, but there never is. He's right, my accountant. So, I write the check. Sometimes, I first have to take an advance from my line of credit, THEN pay the tax, but it always gets paid. Then I find his bill for professional services further down in the pile of forms. I pay that too.

Years ago, I used to get angry. I used to feel put upon having to write such ridiculous checks. I would rail against government waste and corruption being at the root of this unfair shakedown. But ultimately, that way lies madness. Our Rube Goldburg tax system simply is what it is, and whining about it is wasted energy. So instead, several years ago I changed my thinking. What if I turned this horrible negative into a positive? Suppose I made it my goal each and every year to pay MORE in taxes than I had the year before? After all, if my tax obligations are rising every year, there's a good chance that my income is as well. Success is the greatest revenge, I'm told. 

Yes, yes it is.

My Birthday and the Mess in Indiana

Today begins the "week of my birthday." That's right, one day isn't enough. It's more like a festival of celebration. The highlight of the week will be Wednesday, April Fool's Day, the one day all year where my default personality type is in vogue and my behavior is acceptable. 

 57. Such a large and foreboding number. Can I even say that I'm in my "middle fifties" anymore? The weird thing is that some times I feel better than I ever had. For one thing, I'm in better shape than ever what with all of my working out. But other times, I can feel the years. It's a mixed bag.

On the actual day of my birth, Friday, Pam and I will be hitting the road to Nashville to spend the long Easter weekend with our son who we haven't seen since Christmas. It's on these long car trips when I feel the years most acutely. When I get out of the car after a nine hour road trip, my hips feel like they are made of concrete. But it will be worth it to see my boy.

I suppose I should have something to say about this business in Indiana. The "religious freedom restoration act" is the sort of story that makes me want to sell everything and move to New Zealand. The problem is that I can easily see both sides clearly. I have sympathy with the proposition that religious expression should not be dictated by law. If we keep going down our present path will the government some day force a Catholic priest to perform a gay wedding ceremony? But on the other hand, why must a conservative Christian baker or florist feel compelled to deny services to a gay couple? Do they feel equally compelled to deny those services to formerly divorced couples or atheist couples? It's all a terrible mess.

It seems to me that if I were a baker and a gay couple asked me to bake them a cake, I would be grateful for the business. Agreeing to bake the cake no more suggests that I endorse their lifestyle than agreeing to bake a cake for a bar mitzvah suggests that I'm Jewish. Imposing personal belief boycotts is part of what has gone wrong in our country over the past twenty years or so. Political, social and religious differences have suddenly prohibited us from being nice to each other. If we have big, important disagreements on big, important issues, this does not give us the right to forget our manners. If a gay couple gets turned down by a florist, something tells me that there are dozens of gay-friendly florists out there who would love the business. And if a gay couple walks into a baker and wants a wedding cake, would it kill the Christian baker to thank them for the business, bake the best cake ever, and wish them well? Must a literal "federal case" be made out of everything?

In 2015 the answer is, yes...yes it must.

A New Arrival??

Got the wonderful news yesterday that I'm going to be blessed with a Grandchild soon. Now, before one of my siblings reads this and becomes apoplectic with rage at having to learn about this on my blog, I am referring to the fact that Kaitlin and Jon just put a deposit on an English Creme Golden Retreiver who is due to be born next week and delivered into their possession the first week of June. So, I suppose that the more accurate term would be "GrandPuppy." This would also make Lucy an Aunt. In this, Kaitlin and Jon are following directly in our footsteps since we got our first Golden, Murphy, exactly one year after getting married. Apparently, the apple didn't fall very far from the tree.

This is wonderful news because having a dog provides practical training for ultimately having a child. Many of the skills required in parenting are also needed in the care and maintenance of a dog. One must learn how to manage unwanted bowel movements and bladder accidents in either case. There are other similarities as well. Learning how to manage your time is essential, a dependable, predictable feeding schedule is a must, and they always, ALWAYS, cost more than you think.

They are already trying to pick out names. The finalists seem to be Jackson, Deacon, and Dougie. If my daughter ever hopes to have a profitable place in my last will and testament, she will NOT name her dog after me. I have no problem with the other two names since they both lend themselves well to shortened nick names. Jack, Jax, Apple-jacks, Jackie...Deak, Demon-Deacon, Deacon Doodles, Diddly Deak etc... Both names also can be easily shoehorned into the lyrics of famous songs, an always crucial factor in name choices...."Deak Deak a Do-Deak, banana-banna boo beak, a fe fi foo feak, Deacon!"

Hopefully, Lucy will be a positive roll model for the new arrival, or at least maybe little Jackson will shame her out of being afraid of EVERYTHING.

House of Cards. A Review.

I've been on a diet for the past couple of weeks. Actually, it's more like a mini-diet. Pam is the one on a real diet, I just eat the stuff she fixes. However, I have eliminated snacking between meals. So far, it's been a raging success. I've lost 5 pounds. On the down side...I'm starving to death. We sit down to dinner while watching "House of Cards", more on that later, and eat a perfectly delicious meal that Pam has prepared. As soon as the last morsel has been devoured we look at each other with an expression that practically screams, "Wait...is that it??" Last night I was reduced to scarfing down 6 dill pickles for dessert. I'm drinking water all day just to tamp down the hunger pains. Brutal.

House of Cards. We just finished season two last night, so if my analysis of the show seems incomplete, keep that in mind. It's a truly brilliant show, wickedly good writing, acting, and direction. It is also fascinating and terrifying. Although I'm sure its depiction of the business of politics is overly dramatic and its characters overly evil, it's still close enough for government work, as they say. Let me rephrase that, I HOPE it's overly dramatic because if politicians are as evil and manipulative as Frank and Claire Underwood...we are totally screwed.

Every single character in this show is mortally flawed. There isn't one person in Washington with an ounce of moral character. Well, at one point early on I thought that Frank's loyal assistant, Doug Stamper, possessed a glimmer of humanity. The appeal of the show is in the thorough rottenness of it's characters. It's absolutely fascinating to watch openly horrible people plying their trade free of guilt and shame. Pam and I are torn as to which character is our favorite...Frank or Claire. Kevin Spacey's Frank Underwood is delicious to watch especially when he turns to the camera and entertains us with his pithy asides, full of wit and cruelty. He is the Majority Whip with an insatiable appetite for power. Robin Wright's Claire is even better. She's the beautiful, perfectly poised ice queen, every bit as power hungry as her husband but with far more subtlety. She manages to plot her evil schemes with an angelic smile, perfect manners and practiced faux-sincerity. 

Even more fascinating is the mind-blowing absurdity of their relationship. Infidelity is not only tolerated but encouraged, even threesomes if the timing is right. It's bizarre to see this type of  lascivious deviance in a marriage that features such a small-town southern accent.

By the end of season two Team Underwood has finally slithered their way into the oval office, three dead bodies in their wake. Can't wait to see how they manage to hold on to power so ruthlessly obtained.





 

My E-mail From Ted Cruz

Yesterday I received a fundraising e-mail from Ted Cruz. In past election cycles I received similar e-mails from Mitt Romney, Barack Obama, Hillary Clinton and Ron Paul, proving that political donor mailing lists are quite incestuous. For what it’s worth, I’ve decided to do a line by line commentary of this particular appeal as an exercise of civic duty, hoping that it will help me form an informed opinion of this particular candidate.  Here goes…

The top of the letter features a teardrop shaped red and blue logo with the Senator’s name next to it in gray ink. Underneath it says,

"I am running for President because millions of Americans are standing up and saying “we want our country back!”

I have always hated this political formulation. I hated it when Obama used it in 2008 and I hate it now. The reason is because it suggests that the country has somehow been stolen. No, the country voted in a free election for the other guy. Nothing has been stolen. The country belongs to all of us. Voting for a different party or candidate does not constitute “taking the country back” from anyone. Maybe this is just a quibble, but it has always annoyed me.

My Fellow Conservative,

Ok. How does he know this about me? After all, I was deemed worthy of a fund raising letter from Hillary Freaking Clinton, for crying out loud!

"The United States is the greatest nation the world has ever known, but recently we have gotten off track."

To the great annoyance of my more progressive friends, I agree with the Senator about the greatness of this country. Whether we are the greatest that the “world has ever known” is debatable if you happen to be Greek, or of Roman heritage, but that’s a debate for another time. And yes, we have most assuredly gotten off track.

"We need to restore the strong values that made us great, so that we can leave a stronger and more prosperous nation for our children."

It would help if we could first come to agreement on which particular values did in fact make us great. It is this very core disagreement that is at the center of our discontent at the moment. Points off
for waiting until the third sentence before mentioning the “children.”


"Our country was built on freedom, enterprise and strong family values. It’s clear that these values are still held dear by the American people."

It is not at all clear to me that they do. Those who successfully engage in “enterprise” are daily vilified as greedy, self-absorbed children of privilege who aren’t paying their fair share. “Freedom” is under assault from a sizable portion of Americans who think that the rest of us are too stupid to make our own decisions in life. As far as “strong family values” is concerned, which ones?

"But Washington DC has become completely disconnected from the values of real Americans. That’s
why we are now more than 18 trillion dollars in debt, why wages have stagnated, and why our foreign policy is an absolute mess."


It would be hard to find a city more disconnected from real America than Washington DC. We are 18 trillion dollars in debt because as Americans we keep sending our elected officials mixed messages, “balance the budget! Don't you dare screw with my Social Security, and don’t even think about raising taxes! Oh, and if I lose my job pay me unemployment forever!”

"It’s time for new leadership."

Yes, it is.

"Politicians all too often promise one thing on the campaign trail, only to break those promises once elected."

I hadn’t noticed.


"You say you believe in these principles. Show me. When have you fought for conservative principles and what have you accomplished?"

The Senator cannot be accused of being unwilling to fight for his principles, but he also hasn’t accomplished much himself, having only been a Senator for a couple of years with no previous elective experience.

"My mission between now and 2016 is to help take America back to what made us great, so that we can move together. Thank you for adding your voice to this fight, and I hope I can count on yoursupport for the long road ahead."

Not so fast cowboy. I’m going to have to watch how you handle yourself in this campaign. I need to know more about you and your views. I know you’re smart. Your law professor at Harvard is on record calling you “off the charts brilliant." I know about all of the times you have argued cases at the Supreme Court where you were magnificent and won all those “best amicus briefs of the year” awards. In fact, although our current President fancies himself an “expert” on the Constitution, you actually ARE an expert and have the legal chops to prove it. But intelligence alone isn’t enough to be President. There’s also this business of temperament. So far in your brief Senatorial career, you have been a back bench bomb thrower, and that worries me a little. To govern successfully from 1600 Pennsylvania Avenue requires the ability to persuade and build consensus, something that the current occupant has been unable to do despite his intelligence. Ronald Reagan might not have been in Mensa territory, but he somehow managed to get his agenda passed despite a VERY hostile Congress. Will you be able to lead a divided nation?

Ok, that’s it. If I get any more e-mails from other candidates, I’ll do the same thing.

You’re welcomed.

Thank You, Mo'ne Davis

Every now and then a story comes along that warms your heart. This is one such story:

A couple of days ago news broke of a knuckle-dragging jock who plays first base for the Bloomsburg University baseball team. The latest athlete to make a fool of himself on Twitter, Joey Casselberry

 had this to say, "I hear that Disney is going to make a movie about Mo'ne Davis. What a joke! That slut got rocked by Nevada!"

To refresh your memory, Mo'ne Davis was the adorable girl who pitched her way into our hearts during last year's Little League World Series as a twelve year old. Since then she has appeared on the cover of Sports Illustrated and has been interviewed on television and even made a few commercials. For referring to a now 13 year old girl with a sexualized word like slut was a reprehensible thing to do and by doing so Mr. Casselberry has proven himself to be a boorish moron. However, when his University promptly expelled him from the team, I thought it a little heavy handed. We DO still have a First Amendment, after all. My wife disagreed, reasoning that while we are free to say whatever we wish, we are not free from the consequences of our remarks. Fair enough, but still I thought the dismissal rather Soviet-like.

Well, this morning Miss Davis rescued me from my despair. She sent an e-mail to Bloomsburg University requesting that they reinstate Mr. Casselberry:

" Everybody makes mistakes. Everyone deserves a second chance. I know he didn't mean it in that way. It hurt on my part but it hurt him even more. I know how hard he's worked. If it was me, I would want to take that back. Why not give him a second chance? I know that people get tired of seeing me on TV, but sometimes you need to think about what you say before you say it."

Mo'ne, this is where you drop the microphone and walk off the stage! Wow! It takes a 13 year old girl to speak the wisdom of the ages to us, to remind us of our humanity and offer up forgiveness and reconciliation over vengeance and retribution. It takes a 13 year old girl to demonstrate dignity, grace and class.

Just in case my two children are reading this, I want my grand children to grow up to be like Mo'ne.

A Question For God at 4:30 am

This morning, at approximately 4 am, my eyes blinked wide open. There would be no more sleep. I hate it when this happens. Pam is sound asleep. Lucy is curled up in her doggie bed by the door. Every living thing seems to be asleep except for me. So I lay there staring at the ceiling for thirty minutes, then give up. What to do at 4:30 am eastern standard time?

1. Check on my bracket. Last Thursday I went 10-6. Friday I was also 10-6. Then over the weekend I went 10-6 again. Thanks to Villanova and UVA, my East Regional bracket has been destroyed, but everything else is still alive and kicking. Thanks, UVA for absolutely nothing!

2. Read the overnight news. Apparently Ted Cruz is running for President. Let's see now, he hasn't yet served even one full term as a U.S. Senator but is running for the Presidency.  Sound familiar? 

3. Check my email. Here's one from Proactiv+, a "special deal" which promises to rid me of troubling acne once and for all. Great...only 35 years late. Here's another one offering me heartfelt congratulations for having been selected to receive a free box of Swiffer samples.

4. Look at the weather forecast for the week. Lots of cloudiness in store but mostly in the 60's.

5. Do a little casual reading, an article about ten phrases you can no longer say because they are sexist. Make mental note not to say, "aw man!" or "ladies and gentlemen" ever again.

At this point I realize that I am hungry and have been for several days now since Pam and I are attempting a diet. Actually it's Pam that's doing the diet, I am simply along for the ride. However, I do need to drop ten pounds so I am making an attempt to eliminate between meal snacking. It's not until you decide to do such a thing that you realize just how much snacking you do. Good Lord, I'm a snacking machine! Couple of doughnuts here, a bag of chips there and before you know it, you're piling on a thousand calories a day. But, those particular calories are, in a word, awesome, so giving them up is difficult. People who know about such things tell you that the first thing you need to give up if you want to lose weight is...bread. See, this is the sort of thing that bothers me. It's one of the first things I'm going to ask God when I meet him. Why did you create bread...warm, aromatic, delicious bread, if it makes us fat? And what about butter? Bread and butter together is about as comforting and delicious as food gets, and yet we have to swear off the stuff if we want to look good in our swim suits? It's just not right.