Perhaps the best thing about writing a blog is that
you get to vent about issues large and small. One day I can write about some
serious soul-searching spiritual question, the next day I can provide
commentary about my ongoing plan to vanquish squirrels from my neighborhood.
Well, today I want to talk about one of my most inconsequential yet irritating pet
peeves. It concerns an increasingly popular advertising technique that I cannot
escape. I see it on television and I hear it on my radio at least ten times a
day. It involves the following formulation:
“What
the ----------------------‘s DON’T WANT YOU TO KNOW!!!”
In advertisements for everything from hair color to
gold, there seems to be a vast conspiracy afoot to keep the truth from you.
Apparently there exists an enormous reservoir of inside information out there
that various companies are desperate to keep hidden from the masses. But,
luckily for us, a million advertisers are working feverishly to spill the
beans.
You need a super low rate on your mortgage? Call
Rhea Finance to discover what the big banks don’t want you to know! Aren’t you dying to learn how to lose 25%
of your body weight in only three days with no exercise? Find out what doctors don’t want you to know. Tired of paying
through the nose for car insurance? Find out what the big insurance companies don’t want you to know.
If all this information is so privileged, how come
none of these companies were able to keep it from a bunch of ad men? Can nobody
keep a secret anymore? This advertising technique feeds into the deeply held
American suspicion that everything is a conspiracy. Are you 32 years old,
unemployed, living in your parent’s basement? Is this a result of laziness, a
series of bad decisions and your fondness for cocaine? Absolutely not. It’s
because the “system” and “the man” have gotten together and hatched an
ingenious plan to keep you down. It’s the Democrat’s fault. It’s all because of
Sarah Palin. And the “lamestream media” is in bed with all of them, keeping the
truth of their nefarious plot a closely guarded secret. So when the man in the
dark suit with the earnest expression tells you that you desperately need to
find out what the Wall Street fat cats don’t
want you to know about gold, well…what’s that 800 number again?
Well, I’m about to tell all of you about what the
advertising business doesn’t want you to
know. There is no hidden truth about floor wax, deodorant, hard wood
floors, or hybrid seeds. But there are a million salesmen who would love to
make you think there are. Judging from the vacuousness of these “don’t want you to know” ads, the advertising
guys think you’re an idiot. Judging from the sheer number of these ads, they
must be right.
