We are Finished

 Years from now when I am dead and gone, the historians will write about the eventual fall of the West, of how rampant materialism brought about societal and environmental collapse. When these histories are written, this device will earn more than a passing reference since I can find nothing that better illustrates the decline and fall of man.

Imagine my surprise when I stumbled into the kitchen yesterday morning at 5:45 to make my morning cup when I found this perky blue device front and center at the coffee station. I should point out that the previous afternoon, my sister Paula and her husband Ron had arrived here at Fernwood as our guests. I needn’t have wondered who this device belonged to—it had my brother-in-law’s sensitivities all over it. Ron has always been a bit of a coffee snob/aficionado who has in recent years added tea to his morning constitutional with the same all-consuming fanaticism that he previously devoted to coffee. This means that if there is a vintage, organic, free-range grown tea somewhere in New Zealand, Ron not only knows about it but is on the franchise waiting list. Be that as it may, even I was baffled at this shiny blue gizmo…what could it possibly be used for? Then I saw through the smart translucent shell and noticed two double AA batteries and an on/off switch. I paused cautiously, not sure if I had the necessary training required for the thing. Ron is famously picky about who is allowed to operate his coffee/tea technological equipment. Nevertheless, my curiosity got the best of me…and it was 5:45–he wouldn’t be up for hours yet. I said a quick prayer, imploring the All-Mighty to protect me from myself…then I pushed the button.

Then in a wave of enlightenment it all came to me—we are finished as a species.

Somebody, somewhere got the idea that we humans were no longer capable of stirring our coffee/tea with the conventional, crude implements of our ancestors—spoons, forks, plastic sticks, the random tongue depressor. No, no…we needed a cutting edge, energy-sapping new way. Enter the Creamer-whirl 2000, manufactured by 12 year old children in Bangladesh for the international conglomerate, LA Technologies. But having an idea for a breakthrough new product is one thing. Getting people to buy it is another. Enter my brother-in-law who plays second fiddle to nobody when it comes to the latest equipment. He probably stumbled onto this thing scrolling Etsy one night and thought, “You know, my wrist has been giving me trouble lately. I bet this Creamer-Whirl 2000 might relieve some of that soreness.” and BAMM…the credit card was swiped and the rest is history.

Our fathers fought and won World War II. WE invented and created a market for the Creamer-Whirl 2000 and made the wise guys at Lazy Ass Technologies gazillionaires.