Pierre and Me

I’ve noticed that over the years people have stopped getting married in churches anymore. It’s not necessarily a religious thing, it’s more the fact that the carpeting clashes with the bridesmaid’s dresses, or that churches don’t have the right aisle structure or some other aesthetic isn’t quite right. Instead, couples have started getting hitched out on somebody’s farm, in a renovated barn. Others choose some converted warehouse which has been relabeled, industrial chic, and marketed as a wedding venue. Still others find an old manor house with a picturesque gazebo overlooking a grand vista somewhere. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with any of these choices. There’s no law that says you can only get married inside of a church building. However, the rapid inflationary trajectory of the cost of weddings is directly related to the abandonment of the Church wedding. The explosion of the wedding venue industry has turned weddings into a seriously big business. With this in mind, what follows is a fictionalized composite of one father’s experiences through the planning and execution of two such weddings. Events and conversations depicted here may or may not have actually taken place, and are representative of general themes only, not of real people or events...except when they are.

Pierre: Welcome to The Bluff at Xanadu, the premier wedding venue for only the most romantic couples!

Me: Whoa!! Settle down, Pierre. We’re just looking right now.

Pierre: Then you’ve found what you need. There’s no need to  look any further. You have found the perfect venue for your daughter’s big day.

Me: I’ll be the judge of that. This place looks like a giant empty room. What am I missing?

Pierre: The Bluff at Xanadu is a blank canvas onto which your daughter can paint her dreams. Our minimalist approach allows for the greatest level of customization, making each wedding a unique event.

Me: How much does it cost?

Pierre: A mere $10,000.

Me: Are you kidding? That’s great! Every other place we’ve looked at is twice that! What’s the deal?

Pierre: At The Bluff, we pride ourselves on our competitive pricing.

Me: Where do I sign??

Pam: Wait a minute dear...I have a few questions.

It’s at this point in the process that I’m reminded of just how overmatched I am by my wife when it comes to...how shall I say...um, thinking things through. That is to say, I’m clueless about the details of anything, and Pam’s brain is the place where the details of life live.

Pam: I don’t see any tables or chairs anywhere.

Pierre: Tables and chairs can be rented from our sister company, Xanadu Fulfilled.

Pam: Is there another room for the reception. I only see this one big room.

Pierre: No, after the ceremony, your guests will be escorted out into the veranda for cocktails while our expert and efficient staff transform this space into a reception room. It’s actually breathtaking to watch. We call it...the great room flip.

Pam: I see. What about the lighting? It seems rather stark.

Pierre: No worries, we offer a wide range of lighting options, everything from subtle amber to the great white way, and of course our neon night’s package..all for a slight upcharge.

Me: Wait...we have to pay extra for lights?

Pierre: A nominal charge...and well worth it, I must say, to set just the right ambient tone. There’s nothing worse than having the wrong lighting.

Me: I can think of something worse...having to pay for lighting.

Pam: I notice that there are two giant video screens in the room. I assume these are for slideshows of the bride and groom?

Pierre: Yes! And for a technology hookup fee your photographs will be displayed on only the highest HD resolution screen in the industry, absolutely cutting edge!

Me: Wait...a technology hookup fee? What the....

Pam: I notice that the veranda has no ceiling fans. Since our event will be in the middle of the summer, it might be quite hot, and with over a hundred people milling about our here for perhaps an hour, I’m concerned about the heat. Will you provide some oscillating fans to provide some cross ventilation?

Pierre: You know...I don’t think we’ve ever been asked that question before. I mean the veranda has a roof, so it’s not like your guests would be standing out in the sun. But, if you insist, I’m sure that Xanadu Fulfilled can rent you a fan or two.

Me: We have to rent fans???!!!

Pam: Honey, calm down.

Me: What about the bathrooms? Will there be toilet paper, or will we have to rent that too??  

Pierre: Only the finest four-ply, imported toilet paper from Singapore is included at no extra charge.

Me: As Ronald Reagan once said...Trust, but verify...so I want to see these bathrooms.

Pierre: Certainly...second door on the right.

Me: Wait a minute...these are pay toilets!!

Pierre: The Bluff at Xanadu is an environmentally-sensitive site. We try to limit, where possible, the overuse of water and have found that adding a charge for bathroom services helps people to make more rational decisions on how often they use the facility.

Me: But, there’s an ATM machine in here? How much are these toilets??

Pierre: $10 per flush.

Me: Are you freaking kidding me???

Pierre: We do offer senior citizen discounts, as well as quantity discounts, for the heavy drinkers in your party.

Pam: Pierre, according to my calculations, the cost of your venue has now doubled from your original price of $10,000.

Pierre: And aren’t the memories you will make here worth any price??