Monday, September 5, 2011

Labor Day. Dumbest Holiday Ever?

Labor Day is such a dumb holiday. First of all, it comes during a time of year of general sadness. Summer vacations are all over. The school year is out there like a menacing storm, about to unleash all of its fury. The body clock is telling you that Fall should be near with its beautiful leaves and chilly nights, but you know that September is going to be hot as Hades. Those leaves want to change colors and gently fall, but they keep putting it off. Soon you haul down your Fall junk from the attic, the goofy scarecrow, the oak tree wreath. Then you scatter some gourds, pumpkins, and a deathly dry bail of hay on the front porch as if these decorations will somehow induce the season. But it doesn’t, in fact, the next 98 degree day you worry that the display will spontaneously ignite and take the rest of the house with it!

 Such is the malaise into which Labor Day arrives. And even though the news is full of reports of parades and speeches and the television blares loudly about the great deals available for those in the market for cars, mattresses, and replacement windows, you know in your heart that this is no holiday. You know what this really is. Labor Day is the end of something, the end of play, the end of relaxation.

And then there’s the irony of this day. We are asked to celebrate work by not doing any. We celebrate labor by avoiding it at all cost. Its as if this holiday was created by a committee. Well, in the spirit of the day, might I suggest a few similarly illogical holidays for your consideration.

Fidelity Day….where we celebrate faithfulness by cheating on our spouse.

Marriage Day….where we celebrate marriage by filing for divorce.

Republican Party Day….where we drop our recycling off on our way down to volunteer at the homeless shelter.

Democratic Party Day….where we all take a shower and head down to the Chamber of Commerce to hear Sarah Palin read a chapter of Atlas Shrugged.

Reality Television Day…where we celebrate by becoming suddenly appalled, shrinking away from the television set in shame.

Sobriety Day…where we celebrate by getting drunk

Nutrition Day…where we wash down those cheesy-fries with a triple-chocolate shake.

Baptist Day…where we celebrate by becoming relevant

Higher Education Day… where we celebrate by tolerating views that aren’t liberal.

Post Office Appreciation Day….where we celebrate by tweeting all of our friends and sending an e-mail to our mailman.