The Husband Store

Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:

Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs.

She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids.

"That's nice," she thinks, "but I want more."

So she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:

Floor 3 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking.

"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

She goes to the fourth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 4 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop-dead Good Looking and Help With Housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and the sign reads:

Floor 5 - These men Have Jobs, Love Kids, are Drop- dead Gorgeous, Help with Housework, and Have a Strong Romantic Streak.

She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor, where the sign reads:

Floor 6 - You are visitor 31,456,012 to this floor. There are no men on this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible to please. Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store.

PLEASE NOTE:

To avoid gender bias charges, the store's owner opened a New Wives store just across the street.

The first floor has wives that love sex.

The second floor has wives that love sex, have money and like beer.

The third, fourth, fifth and sixth floors have never been visited.

Fresh Observations

Here are a few things that I have come to realize recently:

* Peter Pan and Skippy are poor substitutes for Jif.

* Watching the number one pitching prospect for your team make his big league debut and proceed to hit three batters and give up seven runs in four innings is depressing.

* Listening to the entire Rise and Fall of Mars Hill podcast on the drive home from Maine is at once fascinating and horrifying.

* When the stock market rises 11% over the six weeks you are in Maine, then drops 5% the first week you return it makes you wonder about the cosmic correlation.

* Lucy was not born to live in the suburbs.

* Watching people who were all for government bailouts of banks and gladly cashed their stimulus checks argue against the moral hazard of bailing out college loans makes you grateful for the rarity of your own moral, economic and political consistency on the subject of government bailouts.

* The air smells better in Maine.

* The new Elvis film is one of the saddest stories ever told.

* Getting back into running in Virginia humidity is a form of self hatred.

* “In Essentials Unity, in Nonessentials Liberty, in all things Charity” is perhaps the finest summation of a church’s doctrine I’ve ever heard.

* How is it that a person can go away for six short weeks then forget how to run his own coffeemaker?

Social Media is About to get Hilarious

Back in April of this year I wrote this:  https://doug-thetempest.blogspot.com/2022/04/here-are-just-few-random-thoughts.html.

With today’s announcement by the Biden Administration of their college debt forgiveness program, I fully expect that social media platforms will soon be exploding with invective from all quarters, from the left for being too timid, from the right for the audacity of asking the taxpayers to pay off debt obligations entered into by willing adults. It will be brutal and unrelenting for a few weeks, then we will all move on to the next outrage. Can’t wait for the creative meme war!

It is worth noting that my biggest objections and worries from the April piece noted above, which appeared in the next to last paragraph, were both addressed by the administration…proving clearly the massive weight carried by The Tempest in shaping public policy. 

This is one of many problems that come up in the course of politics where I feel that it is impossible to craft a perfect solution. Every proposal for fixing some things is flawed, because the problem is complex. We are the largest consumer economy in the history of planet Earth. As such we can simply not afford to have an entire generation opt out of consuming because of a crushing college debt burden. If that happens we all lose. On the other hand, forgiving loans, comparatively speaking, is the easy part. The hard part is passing along the 300 billion dollar price tag for that debt forgiveness to the American taxpayer. How will the non-college educated crowd feel about that? Not to mention the college educated crowd that somehow found a way to pay off their loans? It is a no win situation for anyone proposing a fix.

I have great sympathy for the folks who say, “Look, you signed up for a loan. You understood at the time that loans have to be repaid. So why should the government or anyone else have to come along and bail you out?” Excellent question. However, we Americans aren’t always opposed to governments bailing out those who make dumb decisions with their money. In my lifetime the government has at various times bailed out the following:

- New York City

- Chrysler Corporation

- The Entire Savings and Loan industry

- Bank of America

- Wells Fargo

-The Stock market in the Panic of 1792…thanks, Alexander Hamilton!

- Bear Stearns

- Home Mortgages of one million Americans in 1933

- AIG Insurance Group

- Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac

-  Penn Central Railroad

- Lockheed

- The entire American Airline Industry after 9/11

- General Motors

- Ford

- Citigroup

- Small businesses via the TARP bailout of 2008

This is nowhere near an exhaustive list, but you get the idea. I mean, how do you think we have accumulated a 29 Trillion dollar national debt? So, its not that large scale financial bailouts are anything new. It’s just that the beneficiaries of this particular bailout are people that at least on some basic level should have known what they were signing up for. 

My background, education and experience leads me to be against any sort of bailout both on economic and moral terms. But that’s in a perfect world where trade offs are not required. In the world where we actually live, bailouts have become like the air we breathe. (Did you cash your relief checks from the government during COVID?) Still, when I look at this list of bailout recipients I must ask myself this question. If my government is going to bailout out anyone would I rather they bailout young, college kids with their entire lives ahead of them…or the arrogant, amoral morons who ran AIG, Bear Stearns, or Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac? While many of the college graduates who will benefit from these bailouts may have made bad life planning decisions, they didn’t line their own pockets through malfeasance and greed. Besides, what will most of these graduates do with their newfound financial health? Probably go out and buy a house, or a car, or some decent furniture. They may even have the confidence to start a business. On the other hand what did most of the suits at Citibank do with all that bailout cash? probably bought that fifth vacation home in Barbados.

So yeah. This is a tortured fix to a giant problem, and absolutely nobody is going to be happy about it.

But, Facebook is gonna be hilarious for a couple weeks!

A Good Thing or a Bad Thing?

Back in April of 2019 we were all in the midst of the COVID pandemic. One morning I was leaving my office after an abbreviated visit and happened to take note of the beautiful bank of flowers across the street from the entrance to our parking lot. Back then, everyone was noticing the beauty of the natural world, since being quarantined felt so artificial and confining. That particular morning I stepped out of the car, walked across the street and took this picture…

On the other side of this lovely bank of purple flowers was a thick forest of poplars, cedars, oaks and pines. I remember thinking at the time how odd it was to have such a beautiful natural environment directly across from our offices.

Then suddenly, a couple months later a sign went up announcing that a new development was planned for our little idyllic slice of nature, but since it was COVID nothing happened for months and months. Finally in January of this year we arrived on a Monday morning to discover that over the weekend, the developers had been busy…

It was such a shock to my system seeing the land stripped bare. A light dusting of snow had fallen overnight making the landscape feel almost lunar and even more desolate.

Then, this morning, after being away for six weeks, my system was given another shock when I crossed the overpass of Interstate 64 on Church road and saw what had happened while I was in Maine…

I learned that this development would be apartments. Just behind this structure is a giant parking deck that can’t be seen from the road.

Of course, there are two ways to look at something like this. One way is to view this as a loss of something. I will no longer see the purple flowers. I will never again wonder what might be lurking within the dark woods that used to stand at that spot, old and mysterious. But a second way to view this new building is as a sign of progress. These apartments will provide a place for individuals and families to live. Where do you live? A house? An apartment? If so, what was there before your house was built? Every place I have ever lived at some point in the past was part of a deep dark woods, or a cow pasture, or a wind swept field of flowers.

For me though, I suppose I feel the loss more than the gain. Perhaps if I was twenty-something and looking for an affordable place to live for a while I would feel differently. When I look at the green insulated exterior walls are all I can think about is how much longer it will take me to turn left out of our parking lot. I wonder if they will have to put in another stop light. I wonder what kind of clientele this apartment complex will attract.

But the thing I will miss the most is the flowers in the spring. They were a glorious sight to see every April.

On the other hand, maybe a child born to a young couple living in that building might one day find a cure for cancer.

…but I’ll still miss the flowers.

 

Good Things Are Coming

We made it back home safe and sound yesterday afternoon after an uneventful two day trip. Lucy, as usual, travels like a boss. Much better than either of us do. As is always the case, our house seemed huge when we walked in the door, each room bigger than we remembered. This morning I had to think for a minute to recall how to make coffee. But eventual it all came back to me like muscle memory that had atrophied. It felt good to settle back in to our home. We are lucky to have a place that we love to go, and a place we love to come back to.

There’s no telling what awaits me at the office this morning. Whatever it is I’m sure that Kristin has it all organized and laid out perfectly on my desk. Although I have not missed the work, I have missed the people there. It will be good to see them again, to begin anew my daily harassment of each of them. I’m sure they have missed it.

So, Pam had gone to the grocery store and I was unpacking when I hear a knock on the door. It’s Kennedy from next door, she’s the artistic middle child who is always painting, sculpting or knitting something. I have accumulated quite a collection of her work over the years. I’m keeping them all since one day she will probably be famous and they will be worth a fortune. Anyway, I opened the door and there she was on my front porch with her hands full of stuff she had made. I sat down on the steps and listened to her explain how she made each one. For me there was a coaster that she made at pottery class. For Pam there was a potholder she knitted, and then there was a bag of warm chocolate chip cookies…

My heart melted. First of all, she’s in elementary school yet has the skills to create this type of art. The coaster is a dog’s paw of her own design. That she would choose that to make for me is adorable. She knows how much I love Miss Lucy, I guess. But beyond the merits of these things as art is the thoughtfulness, the kind and tender heart, her desire to…give. Her little sister Sully and her big brother Cash are the same way. Their parents, Jamie and Stu, are killing it, even though they don’t think so half the time. Like all parents they are overwhelmed by the responsibility and the hard work involved in raising kids today. But they are doing something right!

I had planned on giving each of them their Maine gifts last night, but by the time we had finished dinner I was pooped. So I will go over this afternoon.

I often think about this culdesac where I live and the kids that have been raised here, including my own. Among them are one who wound up at West Point, another at the Naval Academy. There is a girl at JMU, another girl in high school who has been the go-to dog sitter and baby sitter for the entire street. There are two beautiful little ones down the street with blond curls and radiant smiles who we have gotten to see grow up from strollers to bicycles. Then there are these three knuckleheads next door who have squirreled their way into our hearts since the day they moved in.

It’s one of the reasons we live here, that we have stayed here. I watch these kids grow up, watch their parents raising them and I take heart for the future. Good things are coming.

The Calm Before the Storm

The schedule says we are supposed to leave here first thing Saturday morning, which leaves us two full days left. But there’s a problem. I mean, other than the fact that we only have two more days. The problem is that one of those two days—today—looks to be a washout. It is pouring down rain at the moment. However, tomorrow’s forecast is lovely. So, Pam thinks we should do 90% of our packing today so we are freed up to enjoy Friday’s nice weather. On paper this sounds like a totally reasonable plan. There’s only one problem…Lucy.

Actually there are two problems…Lucy, and the layout of Loon Landing.

Lucy, our famously neurotic pup, has never been a fan of suitcases and the process that goes in to packing them for a trip. Whenever we start, she immediately assumes we are preparing to leave her forever. Use all the happy voices you’ve got, it won’t make any difference, so convinced is she of our pending betrayal. Combine her conspiratorial mindset with the prospect of leaving the lake and she will be at Death-Com 5.

Then, there’s the issue of space. As you can imagine, when you pack up to go anywhere for six weeks, you bring a ton of stuff with you. Now, although we love Loon Landing, it’s smallish. There isn’t a lot of room for extraneous knickknackery. Fortunately there is a lovely loft upstairs which serves as a suitcase storage facility while we are here. So, in order to start packing, we will have to haul all of them downstairs. But, once they are packed, there isn’t anywhere to put them downstairs. We could begin loading them into the car, but doing so in a driving rainstorm sounds like a terrible idea. 

The struggle is real.

But, the plan is sound. We will pack up today, doing our best to calm Lucy’s fragile temperament. Then tomorrow we will enjoy our final day in beautiful sunshine. Later today a final shopping trip into Camden is on the agenda. We will say our goodbyes and pick up a new collar for Lucy, one that doesn’t smell like fish. Then, Saturday morning we will begin the two day drive back home. Believe it or not, we will be happy to be back home, to sleep in our own bed, to take a proper shower in a proper sized bathroom, to be back in our lovely neighborhood. It is quite possible to miss Maine and look forward to Short Pump at the same time.

Just don’t try explaining that to Lucy.

…the calm before the storm.

A Sunset Speaks

Every year towards the end of our time in Maine I start sorting through the nearly one thousand photographs we have taken looking for my favorites. Eventually I will publish my top ten in a future blogpost when I am in a place with sufficiently fast internet. This morning I want to talk about one particular picture that mesmerizes me.

Some nights the lake is too rough, the wind is up and the water is choppy. Occasionally it rains or is totally overcast. But whenever possible, Pam takes her paddle board out somewhere around 7:30 and waits for the celestial show to begin. Sometimes I tag along in my kayak. It’s a difficult business predicting the brilliance of sunsets on this lake. Some nights all the conditions seem perfect but you get nothing. Other nights when you’re not expecting anything special, magic happens. The night that this picture was taken was a night when it could have gone either way. There was a massive dark gray/slate blue cloud hanging over the entire lake except for the edges of the horizon. The sun set at 7:47 that night. Five minutes or so after, we noticed specks of yellow popping up in random spots under the huge oval shaped cloud. Ten minutes later, everything suddenly transformed before our eyes…

As beguiling as this photograph is, it is a pale imitation of the reality of the moment. Neither of us in all our time here had ever seen anything like it. The bright pink and orange highlights of color against the dark canvas of purple with tiny cracks of blue peaking through was breathtaking in real time. It made both of us feel small, very small. It felt like a presence, both beautiful and ominous. We stopped our paddling and watched the evolution of the thing. Eventually it faded away as quickly as it had come…

We come here every summer weighed down by the demands of modern life. Along with everyone else in the world, we carry burdens around. We often attach outsized significance to inconsequential things. It is the way of human beings. We overestimate our importance. We begin to believe that we are much bigger than we are. Then we see something like this and it recalibrates our hearts. There are much bigger things in the world than us and our travails.

It wasn’t the most spectacular sunset, not even close. It was simply unique and it spoke to me uniquely. Let not your heart be troubled. Come to me all you who are heavy laden and I will give you…rest.