Friday, September 3, 2021

No More COVID Jokes

I’ve learned something the hard way recently. I’ve learned that if you attempt to make a COVID-related joke on Facebook, the comment section turns into a contentious back and forth of name calling, anecdotal evidence which proves nothing, ad hominem attacks and lots of profanity. In other words…The Housewives of Beverly Hills. And while that might be great fun for some of you, I find it tedious, pointless and boring. So, no more virus jokes from me, which is just as well since most COVID jokes are…tasteless.

Here’s the thing, its not like there aren’t some really great COVID jokes out there, but if I post one, someone will inevitably chime in with, “Funny, but actually…”

For example, I could say…What’s the difference between COVID-19 and Romeo and Juliet? One’s the coronavirus and other is a Verona crisis. To which someone would reply, “But, to get the vaccine or to not get the vaccine, that is the question.”

Or I could go with… Back in my day, you would cough to cover up a fart. Now, with COVID-19, you fart to cover up a cough. But if I did someone would point out that the farter in question needed to be wearing a mask!

Of course I could just go with quarantine jokes instead, but they would be problematic too. I could say, “My Mom used to tell me that I would never amount to anything just laying around on the sofa all day. But look at me now, Ma! I’m freaking saving the world!” Or how about, “After years of wanting to thoroughly clean my house but lacking the time, this week I discovered that wasn’t the reason.” Or even, “The World Health Organization announced that dogs cannot contract COVID-19. Dogs previously held in quarantine can now be released. To be clear…WHO let the dogs out.” But if I did, someone out there wouldn’t be able to resist the urge to point out that the World Health Organization is a tool of the Trilateral Commission or something. So, since half of humor is reading the room, I have decided to take a step back from anymore COVID-themed humor.

Its just as well. With COVID jokes it takes two or three days before most people even know they got it.


Thursday, September 2, 2021

Trying Times for Optimists

We’ve been at this for 18 months now, this COVID thing. I can hardly remember what life was like before. The virus seems to have changed everything, serving as the catalyst for the ascension of madness in our world. It is the single greatest dividing point in society, having vanquished even Donald Trump, who actually got booed for suggesting that people get vaccinated at one of his recent rallies. The United States of America has jumped the shark.

Here’s how it goes. Normal, well educated people come to wildly opposing conclusions about…literally everything having to do with COVID-19. Someone posts a chart that says that 95% of current hospitalizations for COVID-19 are of the unvaccinated. Someone else then claims that the chart is rigged by lying doctors and hospitals who are making up the admissions data out of ulterior motives like money or pressure from their superiors. So the rest of us are left to try and decide who we chose to believe…the chart or the alleged crooked doctors and hospital administrators. If we side with the chart we are assumed to be liberty-hating authoritarians. If we believe that the vast majority of public health officials across the country are all in on some kind of giant information conspiracy we are left with the obvious conclusion that we are living in the last days. When a conspiracy comes along powerful enough to persuade the nation’s doctors—a notoriously prickly and independent lot—to falsify admissions records in masse, can anything stop it??

Wearing a mask helps stop the spread of the virus.

No it doesn’t. It is simply a tool to enslave us.

The vaccine is enormously effective in not only preventing getting the virus, but also lessening the severity of the symptoms if you do get it.

No. The vaccine is worthless and could possibly contain microbes designed to manipulate the brain, making us more susceptible to mind control.

Wearing a mask is an act of selflessness and a form of respect for the most vulnerable around us.

No. Wearing a mask is a virtue signaling pose by people who want to feel morally superior to everyone else.


It is virtually impossible to find a common ground between these two schools of thought. Where would the point of agreement come between these two world views? I can’t imagine where…and this is why I have never been so discouraged about the state of public discourse in my 63 years.

I am at heart an optimist. When I contemplate the future I tend to think of innovation, progress, and opportunity. It is my belief that the arc of history bends decidedly towards those three things. I mean, 100 years ago the number one cause of death in America was diarrhea, people. The progress we have made in quality of life measures is astonishing and unprecedented. So, I have great reason for optimism. But it is becoming more difficult with each passing day to imagine how the great COVID-divide gets bridged…that doesn’t involve an awful lot of death.

Tuesday, August 31, 2021

Grinding

I cannot tell you guys just how annoying it is getting old. Some days I feel as good as I have ever felt. Then there are days like today. I am about to head out the door for a morning run. This despite a persistently sore hip that feels as if it might pop out of joint at the slightest provocation. To add insult to injury, about 30 minutes ago I was standing at the kitchen counter waiting for my coffee to brew when I made the mistake of opening a cabinet to retrieve my mug. The mug in question was on the second shelf, consequently it required me to reach up and to the right. This simple movement resulted in an uncomfortable pull in my back between the shoulder blades. I felt a slight pop, and now I have a wonderful new painful pulled muscle to deal with. However, the news is not all bad. My morning trip to the bathroom went off without incident.

Some of you might be thinking (along with my wife) why exactly I am heading out for a 5 miler at such an ungodly hour if I have a bad hip? This is a fair question which has many answers, none of which are satisfying (especially to my wife). First of all, putting in 15-20 miles of road work a week is the only thing insuring that I don’t weigh 300 pounds. Second of all, I do some of my best thinking when I’m dripping in sweat. And lastly…I’m stubborn, a trait I inherited from my sainted mother. When confronted with sore muscles or any number of other humiliations of aging you can either pull back or you can grind through it. You pull back enough and you wake up one day covered in wrinkles, angry at the world and shouting at kids to get off your lawn. If you grind through the pain and humiliation, you at least give yourself a fighting chance.

So, I chose to grind.

But, I always bring my cell phone with me so if I pull up lame I can text Pam to come pick me up!!

Monday, August 30, 2021

Morning Coffee and Dad Joke Blog

Ok. I’m hesitant to write what I’m about to write because the last thing I want to be is…that guy…the insufferable guy at the party who corners you then goes on an on about his latest state of the art coffee press/diffuser, the one that has the organic charcoal thing. You know who I mean, obsessed coffee guy. To be honest, I must confess that 35 years ago I was that guy. I had discovered the Gevalia coffee club, and would eagerly anticipate my monthly two pound shipment of coffee beans from around the world. The memory is as excruciating as it is humbling. Now, I buy Gevalia at Publix, already ground, and am happy as a clam. But, be that as it may, what follows will feel and sound like a trip down memory lane. I blame my son and his wife.




The last time I was in Nashville, Patrick and Sarah told us about this little coffee shop that was across from our hotel called, The Well, and insisted that we try some. It was wonderful. So, Sarah, my very thoughtful daughter-in-law, remembered and bought me a bag for Christmas. It has been in the cabinet ever since, waiting for its opportunity. This morning, I ran out of my regular stuff. I saw the bag up there so I opened it up, popped it in the grinder and made myself a cup.


Since I haven’t been a member in good standing of the CSC* in quite a while, I was unaware of this trend of blending beans from Africa with those from Central America. Back in the day you could get Ethiopian beans or beans from Central America. I guess this is like a coffee without borders sort of thing, perhaps an attempt by the coffee aficionado world to make some sort of political statement against immigration restrictions. Who knows? All I know is, this was one fantastic cup of joe.

Now, I know what some of you are thinking…$16.95 for a bag of coffee beans?? Two things…first, my Nashville children are generous, and second, the folks at The Well are busy doing good things.


On another note. I worked a volunteer shift at Hope Thrift Saturday. As soon as I walked in the door, one of the other volunteers or maybe one of the managers handed me something they had sat aside just for me…



See, once you develop the reputation as a devotee of infantile humor, people come out of the woodwork offering suggestions. This particular book is terrible, but it was nice of whoever went to the trouble of thinking of me. A few samples:

What brand of underwear does the World Farting Champion wear?

Fruit of the Boom…

What do you call a motorcycle with a sense of humor?

A Yamahahahaha…

Why are batteries always sad?

Because they are never included…

What do you call a stupid pirate?

The pillage idiot…

So, yeah…




* Coffee Snob Club

Saturday, August 28, 2021

I Really Miss My Wife

I haven’t written much here this week. I’ve been distracted by the silence. Today is Day 9 since she left for Maine. Lucy and I can’t take much more of this.

It hasn’t been all bad. The first couple of days were actually nice. There is a certain feeling of freedom when you suddenly find yourself alone. It begins to occur to you that you can do anything you want at any time you wish to do it. There is a sense of relief that comes when you realize that there is no one to annoy or be annoyed by. If I accidentally leave the refrigerator door open and it begins to emit that hideous high pitched beep, there is nobody here to sigh heavily and flash me an eye-roll. I just go over and shut the door. Was that so hard? If I want to go for a run when its 90 degrees and as humid as a Bangkok sauna outside I don’t have to worry about anyone lecturing me about hydration and the limits of my no longer 30 year old body. If I want to eat a lunch consisting of bacon and cheese I get no negative feedback.

But about Day 3 you start to feel a gnawing loneliness. This isn’t the debilitating loneliness of depression, but rather the frank acknowledgment that you desperately miss the love of your life. You just aren’t the same man when she isn’t here. You’re still you, you’re just not as good.

There are many things you begin to miss. You miss the sound of her. Her footsteps around the house sound different than mine, they are softer, more graceful, the way she flits around is missed when it is no longer there. The sound she makes when she is getting ready in the morning is something that you have become so accustomed to that its absence makes the house feel abandoned. The sound of her voice downstairs when she is talking with a friend on her cellphone. You had no idea what a lovely sound that is until its not there.

You miss the smell of her…when she breezes down the stairs passing you in the living room with her hair wrapped up in a towel after getting out of the shower. When you sit on the sofa a certain way you catch a whiff of the way she smells when she’s cooking dinner. When you walk in the closet to find a clean shirt, her smell is everywhere. You find yourself lingering in there a little longer than you normally do.

You miss hearing her tell you about her day. This daily ritual of every marriage, so easy to overlook, and such a spectacularly ordinary thing, becomes something you would give anything to hear. 

You miss having someone you can have an unguarded conversation with. She is the only person in the world who you can speak to without fear. With anyone  else there’s the possibility that you will offend or be misunderstood or embarrass yourself. But with her, she gets you, understands your manner of speech, can translate your often nonsensical ramblings into something meaningful.

At night its worse. You have always had trouble sleeping without her. That hasn’t changed. But its not just that, its the nightly rituals you miss. She is a night owl. But sometimes she falls asleep downstairs with the television on and for some unexplained reason,  you can tell. So, you miss those times when you walk downstairs, find her sound asleep with schoolwork in her lap. You miss leaning over and kissing her on her forehead, turning the television off and turning out the lights.

On Day 9 you miss her a lot more than you ever have for two reasons. First, you have never been apart for 9 days. Ever. But secondly, she has not had a great week away. There have been difficulties. She is worn out. You can hear it in her voice when she calls. She is dreading the long two day drive home. She is a nervous wreck worrying about all the details. There are many things that could go wrong, and you are helpless to do anything about it.

But, you know one thing for sure—she is a super hero and will rise to the occasion like she always does.

For the next couple of days I will go nowhere without my cell phone. I will volunteer at Hope Thrift to stay busy. I will cut the grass and clean the house, all the while glancing at the clocks on the wall.

I hope that this hasn’t sounded terribly pathetic. I’m a grown man for crying out loud, not some lovestruck newlywed. I just miss her, that’s  all.




Tuesday, August 24, 2021

I Sure Could Use Bertha About Now

I know its all in my head at this point, but that doesn’t mean its not a real thing. Here’s the deal…I can’t sleep without Pam. It has been this way for years. Whenever I have to travel on business without her, no matter how luxuriously comfortable the hotel, I toss and turn all night. On the few occasions when she goes somewhere and leaves me here at the house the same thing happens. I go to bed at the normal hour feeling a normal amount of sleepiness. I turn out the lights and get into bed and then my eyes pop open like the eyes of one of those ventriloquist dummies. After what seems like an hour or so of tossing and turning I eventually drift off in an uneven and fretful sleep which eventually ends some time between 3 and 4 in the wee hours when I wake up for good. This morning when it happened I laid there in the darkness trying to make up a Dad Joke. I actually came up with a decent one…

You hear about the house that went up for sale right across the street from a grizzly bear preserve?

The Realtor described it this way: This place has great cub appeal….

Now that I see it written out, maybe my use of the word decent was optimistic. Luckily, I have put these sleepless nights to good use. It has allowed me to spend lots of time writing. I’ve been working off and on on my fourth novel for over a year now. It is a complicated story with a lot of moving parts and consequently difficult. But I have found that I do some of my best writing at 3 in the morning. It’s coming along quite nicely.

What I really need right now is Bertha, the window fan of death. Long time readers of The Tempest will remember her, the homemade box window fan that my father built and installed in my bedroom window when I was a child, a mere five feet from the spot where I laid down my head every night. It was like going to sleep on an airport runway. But sleep I did. A friend of mine sent me a picture out of the blue a couple days ago with the caption…Bertha’s Distant Cousin


Much fancier than Bertha but definitely from the same family.


Sunday, August 22, 2021

Samaritans

I’m just going to leave this here….

This story is pretty incredible. 

"Give me a ready deck."

Somewhere, a few thousand feet beneath the waves of the South China Sea, there are a dozen or two helicopters. If an expedition came across them, they might believe that there was some great battle that had been fought in those waters. Perhaps they would see the emblem on the helicopters: a blue circle with a white star and red stripes, and wonder, "did America suffer some catastrophic loss here?" But if they looked closer, they might notice something else. Something unexpected. The choppers would be undamaged, save for that done by time and water and salt. The expedition would find no torn metal, no broken landing gear, no rotors destroyed. They might believe that, as incredible as it seems, the Americans intentionally scuttled their own equipment. But, for what possible purpose would a military force destroy their own equipment? Faced with such a question, perhaps they might remember the words of G. K. Chesterton, who once opined, "The true soldier fights not because he hates what is in front of him, but because he loves what is behind him." Only, in this case, April 29, 1975, what they loved was above them. 

This was the end of the Vietnam war, and the USS Midway--and the entire 7th fleet--was tasked with saving as many South Vietnamese refugees as possible. Some might claim that the saving of refugees was certainly not in the vital national interests of America. Perhaps not. We always have the option of seeing the person, lying in a ditch, and continuing on. We are free to leave them, telling ourselves as we go, "they are not my neighbor." Or, when we see them, we can be moved with compassion, and bind up their wounds, and show them mercy. Perhaps this is really the only national interest of Samaria. 

Perhaps the 7th fleet found that day that they could be both Americans and Samaritans. 

That day the USS Midway had already saved thousands of refugees. Chopper after chopper came and landed, bearing displaced families. And then came a sight that must have caused the sailors on board to gaze in astonishment: a small Cessna, circling them from above. Three times the pilot attempted to drop a note onto the deck of the carrier. Three times the wind took it. 

On board the Cessna was one Maj. Buang-Ly of the Vietnamese air force. Though he had likely flown many missions during the war, this was to be his most important. Although the tiny plane only has seats for two souls, Buang-Ly had managed to fit 6 on board in addition to himself: his wife and their five small children. His youngest, 14 months, sat on the lap of his mother. The other 4 children, the oldest being only six years old, huddled in the plane's tail section.

Buang-Ly was starting to run out of items to toss out of his plane. Perhaps fittingly, his fourth note he attached to his pistol--a pistol meant to save his life. It turns out it did. The pistol, with his note tucked into the holster, dropped onto the deck of the Midway. 

The note read, "Can you move the helicopter to the other side, I can land on your runway, I can fly for one hour more, we have enough time to move. Please rescue me! Major Buang, wife and 5 child."

The Midway was commanded by Capt. Lawrence Chambers. He had been given command of the carrier only a few weeks before. Chambers consulted the Admiral in charge to apprise him of the situation. The Admiral told Chambers to instruct the plane to ditch. Other pilots that day had ditched as well. The problem though, Chambers realized, was that those were helicopter pilots. They would be ditching after a fairly controlled water landing. The Cessna was a fixed wing aircraft, with no way of making a controlled water landing with the possibility of having the small children in the tail section surviving the impact.

Chambers faced a decision. Continue on and leave the man in the air to fend for himself, or stop, and help his neighbor. Chambers realized what Buang-Ly did not, that simply moving one or two choppers to one side would not give him enough room to land. There was only one possible solution: push enough helicopters overboard to give Buang-Ly a chance. Fully believing that a court martial awaited him, and that his career, and possibly his freedom, would be at an end in a few hours, Chambers gave his order: scuttle the helicopters. 

As he watched millions of dollars in equipment sink to the sea, along with any chance he ever had of continuing in the Navy, Capt. Chambers gave an order to Cmdr. Vern Jumper who was in charge of all flight operations aboard the ship. "Vern, give me a ready deck."




The entire crew jumped into action. One by one choppers went into the sea. But, one by one more choppers landed, as they approached and saw there was available space aboard the ship. They would be pushed into the sea too. 

The deck was cleared. Wet, but cleared. However, this was a Cessna that needed to land on the deck. A plane that has no tail hook because it was never built to land on a carrier. Not only that, it had to be landed by a pilot who had never seen a carrier much less attempted to land on one. It would be his first attempt. He wouldn't get another. 

The quick thinking Chambers knew that if Buang-Ly, his wife, and five children were going to have any chance, he would need some additional help from the ship itself. Chambers ordered his ship to turn directly into the headwind and make steam for 25 knots (29 mph). This would allow the plane to approach with a roughly 46 mph headwind to assist in slowing the landing. There went the aircraft carrier, speeding along at nearly top speed. All 1001 feet of it. All 64,000 tons of it. A floating city whose one purpose at that moment was to save a family. Or, perhaps, saving families was always its mission. Perhaps that is meant to be the mission of every US carrier. "...but because he loves what is behind him." Though sometimes we might forget. 

The men above the Midway were certainly reminded that day, as they watched Buang-Ly glide into a perfect landing on their deck. Capt. Chambers would later report, "...the aircraft cleared the ramp and touched down on center line at the normal touchdown point. Had he been equipped with a tail hook he could have bagged a number 3 wire. He bounced once and came stop abeam of the island, amid a wildly cheering, arms-waving flight deck crew..." Years later, Chambers would remark that Buang-Ly is "The bravest guy I know." This landing made Buang-Ly the first Vietnamese pilot to ever land on an aircraft carrier. Those on the ship marveled at his piloting expertise, and bravery as a husband and father. 

"And the next day he took out two denarii and gave them to the innkeeper, saying, ‘Take care of him; and whatever more you spend, I will repay you when I come back.’"

Maybe the crew had this verse in mind when they established a fund for the Buang family. Maybe they thought of it when Chambers was raised to the rank of Rear Admiral. Maybe they thought it when Buang and his entire family became American citizens. 

What we can say is that Buang and Chambers started out the morning of April 19th as citizens of different countries. One American. One Vietnamese. But it so happens that they had dual citizenship all along. It turns out they were both Samaritans. They both saw the need of others and were willing to give their lives, and livelihood for their neighbor. For in the end, the greatest Americans, the greatest Vietnamese, the greatest citizen of any country, are always first citizens of Samaria.