The Difference Between Men and Women...Christmas Edition.

T-minus two weeks and counting. Fourteen days left until go time and I have purchased exactly one present. That's right, I said ONE! But, am I worried, am I vexed? Absolutely not. Why? Because I'm not Pam, that's why not!

Because I'm not my wife, I don't have any baking to do. I don't have to send out fifty Christmas cards. More importantly, I essentially only have two people to buy presents for...my name draw and my wife. Also, because I am not a woman, I am not plagued with guilt, which allows me to live my life without the burden of outsized expectations. Additionally, as a man, I am generally free of worry. The only thing I actually worry about, if it can even be called worry, is what I'm going to have for lunch. Do I go lite with some soup and salad at Big Al's or do I throw caution to the wind and get the Montezuma's revenge burrito grande at Chuy's?

Herein lies the essential difference between men and women. If it were up to us men, Christmas would be very different. First of all, the decorations wouldn't go up until, I don't know...the week before? As far as shopping goes, we would make a competition out of it. The wife and I would both be given a couple thousand bucks and turned loose at the mall at the crack of dawn on Christmas Eve morning. Whoever gets finished first gets to go to Florida for Spring Training! 

Discerning readers might wonder whether it would kill me to actually help with the Christmas baking. I have zero baking skills. Why don't I volunteer to be in charge of the Christmas cards? Have you actually seen my handwriting? But even if I were suddenly transformed into the male version of Martha Stewart, Pam wouldn't let me within an inch of any of the really important Christmas stuff. It's just too important to be left to anyone else besides her. The establishment of and continual survival of tradition is an entirely feminine project, at least in my house. A few years back I offered the off hand suggestion that we should scrap all the presents and go on a family cruise instead. You would have thought I had grown two heads, the looks I got!

Is all the agonizing attention to detail, the gut-wrenching anxiety and late nights worth it? Well, in the days leading up to Christmas the answer is an unequivocal "NO!!" But when the big day arrives, everything is breathtakingly beautiful, every detail perfect, and the family is laughing and happy, I'm thankful for Pam's mysterious gifts of hospitality.

Still, I control one aspect of the season. I still get to decide when I'm going to do my shopping. More often than not, I choose the last couple of days before Christmas. It's just more fun to get all geeked up, put on my Santa hat and hit the mall with all of the other procrastinating men in Short Pump. There's great comraderie. These last minute folks are my people.

My Rebellious Dog

Miss Lucy has a rebellious streak. Several weeks ago Pam bought one of those harness things for Lucy to keep her from pulling so hard during walks. The thing is a miracle. When she's wearing it she never pulls, never tries to chase after other dogs or people, it's a beautiful thing. Although it's clear that Lucy isn't thrilled with it, we hadn't noticed the defiance until the last couple of days. Lucy has decided that if we are going to insist on her wearing that ridiculous red harness, well...she's going to have to refuse to pee in the mulch, so there! In addition, she will limit herself to one poop per walk and not her usual three. Furthermore, she's just not going to care so much about going on walks at all, insisting on returning home after a just a few cul-de-sacs. Two can play this game, apparently. 

To test our rebellion theory, this morning Pam took her for her morning walk without the harness. Lucy was thrilled, peeing in the mulch, back to healthy, robust pooping, happy as a clam! While this type of manipulative defiance will be familiar to all of you cat owners out there and even many dog owners of more dubious breeds, it has not been our experiences with Goldens, whose soul objective in life is trying to please their humans. Well, with this particular Golden, there seems to be a limit to her people-pleasing activity. She's not digging the harness. Maybe it's uncomfortable, she does walk kind of side saddle-ish with the thing. Maybe she doesn't like the color...she is female after all. 

Whatever the reason, we can now add, hates harnesses to the growing list of Lucy's strange idiosyncrasies, right up there with, hates the color black, afraid of pillows, and won't eat until everyone in the room is still and quiet.

What an awesome dog!

Donald Trump is an Idiot. Part II

Ok, ok, ok...now I finally get it!! At first I thought it was too far fetched to be true, but it has finally wormed its way into my thick skull...Donald Trump really and truly has made a deal with Hillary Clinton to insure her election as President. The thing is, what on earth could she have possibly had to offer him as compensation? What do you give a man who has his own line of cologne?

How else does one explain the Donald's latest regurgitation? "Let's ban all Muslims from entering the country," he crowed. Since many different races of people call themselves Muslims, this isn't a racial ban, but a religious one. And how would our intrepid custom agents inforce this airtight dragnet? Why, by simply asking them straight up..."are you now or have you ever been a Muslim." Of course, everyone knows that radical Jihadists intent on destroying the great satan wouldn't ever dream of telling a lie to a representative of that great satan's government, so that should work very well. Someone else has suggested that perhaps as a follow up we also force especially suspicious candidates to eat a ham sandwich! 

Of course, this bigoted, and unconstitutional proposal had the effect of sending every other Republican candidate scrambling to the nearest microphone to denounce Trump's views, which had the effect of taking Obama's pathetic Oval Office speech off of the front pages, and tarring the entire Republican Party as unhinged. Meanwhile, the world's smartest woman and worst Presidential candidate ever, not named Donald Trump, gets to look positively angelic for no other reason than she is NOT Donald Trump.

Listen people, I am extremely concerned about the threat of radicalized Islamic Jihadists entering our country. It's a vexing problem for not only us but free people everywhere. But, I'm not concerned enough to countenance this sort of demagoguery. Being fearful is one thing, becoming unmoored from everything that has made this country the beacon of the free world is entirely another. We give these barbarians way too much credit when we are willing to shred our constitution to protect ourselves from them. Hundreds of thousands of brave men and woman have given their lives to preserve our blessed Bill of Rights. Ill be damned if I'm going to let Donald Trump or anybody else rip it to shreds because of a bunch of seventh century whack-jobs!

Oh, and for all of you who say that he has 35% support in the polls, let me remind you of two things. Number one, not one single solitary vote has been cast yet, and number two...35% support among primary voters equates to about 8% of the electorate, or roughly the same percentage of Americans who believe the moon landing was faked! Donald Trump will not win the Republican nomination, but his buffoonery will fatally weaken whoever does. Then we will have four years of Hillary Rodham Clinton to deal with.

Thanks Donald. Thanks very much.

50/50

December 8. Only 17 days until Christmas. Only two weeks until I shut the business down for 2015. It's been a nice year, not spectacular, but nice, and I'll take it. I have voluntarily offered the FEDS access to my checking account on the 15th of every month, on which day they have extracted ridiculous amounts of money. The State of Virginia gets their shot on the 25th. If it sounds like I'm complaining, I'm not. Taxes are the tribute we owe our government for the privilege of living in a free country with cleanly paved streets, police and fire protection, and a dependable electric grid. We can argue amounts and rates all day,(and I have!!), but I have no complaints about paying taxes, and if you do, spend a few days in Sudan!

Politics in America is a dysfunctional mess. We are polarized, angry and susceptible to loud blowhards with orange hair, if polls are to be believed. With the attack in San Bernardino, we are increasingly frightened by the prospect of a fifth column of Jihadists stalking around ready to pounce at the slightest provocation. Gun sales are through the roof as are calls by sheriffs and college chancellors for average ordinary citizens to obtain concealed carry permits and begin packing heat in public to protect against crazed Islamist attacks. Now I'm not sure who to be more afraid of...Abdul Mohammed, or Bubba with the hair trigger. Yeah, nothing screams security like a 20 year old eager to open a can of whup-ass on an A-rab!

But, maybe a reversion back to our Wild West roots is inevitable when the FEDS to whom we pay our taxes don't seem terribly interested or adept at fighting back. Listening to the President the other night wasn't exactly the most reassuring twenty minutes of my life. He may have said the right words in places, but he delivered them in that bored, detached way that communicated much more than his actual words could ever have..."I can't believe I'm going to be late to the Kennedy Center!" When he tries to talk tough about terrorism he reminds me of my parents back when Paula and I were fighting in the back of the car on those long trips between New Orleans and Nickolsville, Alabama back in the day. Dad or Mom would look in the rear view mirror and say with absolutely zero conviction, "Don't make me come back there!!" It was a frustrated, plaintive plea for us to please, please, PLEASE settle down!" But both of us knew that there was no chance that Mom was going to suddenly leap across two rows of car seats and throttle us, making good on her threats. Same thing with Obama. He's only got 13 more months, and he's a freaking Nobel Peace Prize winner for God's sake. No way he's going after ISIL in a way that might damage his legacy. Besides, he's got a memoir to write.

Which may be just as well. He doesn't know how to fight terrorism any more than I do. The answer isn't simply...Carpet bomb 'em!! Every action has a reaction. We think we have a refugee problem now? Wait until you see the hoards pouring into Europe after we've carpet bombed what's left of Syria and Iraq! It will take a more active and coordinated military action than we have managed so far, but how much more active is a subject of intense debate, even among military types. Whoever the next President is will have some extremely difficult decisions to make.

Meanwhile, there's Christmas. 17 days until the big day. What are the chances that there will be another horrific attack between now and then? I'm thinking 50/50.

The Oval Office Speech

Stray observations from the President's Oval Office speech last night.

1. Standing at a podium was weird, but irrelevant.

2. For the first time in a very long time, I actually felt like the President of the United States was on our side for a change.

3. Took him a while but he finally conceded that the Fort Hood massacre was not workplace violence.

4. Why does he insist on using the term ISIL instead of ISIS? Does he not like admitting that they are in Syria?

5. I absolutely despise the way he always falls back on this "being on the right side of history" shtick. It's what he says when he wants to end all debate and it happens to be bulls**t. History didn't defeat Hitler. History didn't end slavery. The blood sweat and tears of bold and determined men and women laboring under impossible burdens did. When he glibly asserts that we are on the right side of history, he's essentially saying that eventually, in the distant future HE will be vindicated by historians for his brilliance, so anybody who criticizes him for his present incompetence is on the wrong side of history. It's very annoying and sounds weak. Does anybody think that Vladimir Putin cares one whit about what side of history he's on? Please.

6. Even though it was encouraging that the President does finally seem to understand what kind of battle we are engaged in, once again he spent roughly half of his speech lecturing us about the dangers of the often talked about but seldom actually seen, Anti-Muslim backlash. His attorney general said a couple of days ago that her number one fear was an outbreak of anti-Muslim violence by Americans. Seriously? That's her number one fear? Let me get this straight, radical Islamic jihadists take out 3000 Americans on 9/11, murder their fellow servicemen at Fort Hood, and now kill 14 of their co-workers in San Bernardino and the thing that keeps Loretta Lynch up at night is the fear of American anti-Muslim bigotry?? While any incidents of violence against any minority group is too many, the number of such incidents against Muslims in this country since 9/11 are less annually than the number of such attacks against Jews. And yet, there was my President last night lecturing me to guard against my naturally American predisposition towards hateful revenge. I grow weary of a President who holds such a low opinion of his own countrymen.

7. Never once in his address did he lay the blame for terrorism on global climate change...a VERY positive development.

8. The President looked very tired and oddly bored. It's as if he just can't get in to being a wartime President. He is clearly much more comfortable pursuing his social justice agenda, and up to a point, I understand that and sympathize. But, fate has dealt him this hand and he needs to drum up a bit more enthusiasm for the job, in my opinion. He is still our President for the next 13 months. He can't start writing his memoirs just yet. We need him to be fully engaged...NOW. Can you imagine FDR spending half of one of his fireside chats during the dark days of WWII lecturing us about succumbing to anti-German bigotry? Can Presidents come off as too gung-ho for war? Absolutely...see George W. Bush. But, when the President of the United States goes to the trouble of an Oval Office address in prime time and mails it in, then rushes off to the Kennedy Center afterwards, it doesn't actually communicate resolve.

Ok, there you have it, my take. Feel free to disagree. Feel free to fling overheated invective my way. Just don't include any overly anti-Muslim language that might be interpreted as "edging towards violence." Loretta Lynch might arrest you!

My Shower Encounter

There are signs all over my gym declaring that the use of cell phones is restricted to the lobby area only. I suppose this rule is for the safety of members since working out with large steel rods and ponderous round weights requires a certain level of concentration. Nevertheless, with the advent of hands-free technology, this particular "rule" has become everybody's favorite rule to ignore. Most of the time I ignore it since I'm kinda busy trying to burn a thousand calories without killing myself. But every  so often...I snap.

At American Family, the shower stalls have two little compartments, the first is a dressing room where you can hang your towel, then there's a shower curtain with the actual shower stall on the other side. So, yesterday, there I was standing under the hottest water I could stand after a particularly difficult workout, when I heard a cell phone ring tone blaring out of the stall beside me. It startled me, not the ring tone itself, but, you know...the shower! Then, I hear the shower curtain being slid open and the guy answering his freaking cell phone in the shower!

Idiot: Yeah? Hey, what's up? Yeah, I'll be there. Can I call you back?

Now, at this point one of my mostly dormant but occasionally dangerous personality traits reared it's ugly head, i.e., my inability to keep my mouth shut. Without considering any of the consequences of criticizing a total stranger while naked, I hear myself saying...

Me: Dude, seriously? You bring your cell phone into the shower?

Now, I should point out that at this point, I have no idea what this guy looks like. The shower stalls at AmFam are quite tall. For all I know, this guy could be a 300 pound dead-lifter with a Swaztika tattooed on his forehead. Then he replied...

Idiot: Ha. Yeah.

This was one "ha", not "hahaha". His voice was very deep, sounding like someone not to be trifled with. But for some inexplicable reason, I couldn't leave well enough alone. Ubiquitous cellphone use at my gym has become, for me, one of life's more irritating features. I had suffered in silence long enough.

Me: Wow. You so important that you can't risk a ten minute shower without staying connected?

As soon as I said it, I thought, "what the heck is the matter with you? Just let it go!" Too late. Then a reply...

Idiot: Ha. Yeah.

I'm not sure what's worse, the fact that I had just insulted a total stranger in a shower stall, or the fact that the moron didnt even know that he had been insulted!!

Since of the 17 words I had heard him utter, four of them were, "Yeah", I decided to let it go. No fun debating a monosyllabic nazi-sympathizer, after all. But, as I was driving home it occurred to me what a stupid thing it was to do. We live in a violent hair-trigger world of quick tempers and short fuses. Criticizing the cell phone etiquette of total strangers is the sort of thing that could start the kind of argument that could turn quite ugly in a hurry, before you know it, you might have civic unrest on your hands complete with nonsensical slogans like Check your Apple Privilege, and Droid Lives Matter.

San Bernardino

At 6 am on Thursday morning, the 3rd of December, this is what I have discovered about the mass shooting in San Bernardino, California. Two of the gunmen, a man and a woman, have very Arab-sounding names. The man made a trip to Saudi Arabia a while back where he purchased and brought back to the United States his mail-order wife who on this day was his accomplice. The couple had a young child who they dropped off with family on the morning of the attack, explaining that they had a doctors appointment. The man then went to a holiday party with his colleagues at the Inland Regional Center, where he left in a huff after some sort of argument with a co-worker. He returned with his wife/girlfriend some time later dressed in masks and dark tactical gear, brandishing AK-47 style rifles ( apparently purchased legally) and the two of them began indiscriminately murdering people in cold blood. By the time they were through, fourteen people had perished and another seventeen were wounded. Four hours later they were killed in a shootout with police.

That must have been one hell of an argument!

At this point, nobody knows whether these two were prompted to murderous fury by international terroristic inclinations, radical Islamist sensibilities, simple workplace rage, or just some garden variety pathological mental disorder. To the fourteen dead, it matters not. To the rest of us it matters a great deal. Of those possibilities, we all would most prefer a terrorist narrative, since it would offer some sort of rationale for such brutal killing. "Oh, they were jihadists. That explains it!" Nobody wants to hear that they were just whack jobs who decided to premeditate the slaughter of fourteen co-workers because they got passed over for a promotion. As human beings, we insist on at least vaguely plausible explanations for murderous rages like this one, because without one, it becomes hard to resist hopeless despair.

In a nation as polarized as ours, every horrific mass shooting is transformed into a cudgel with which one side can beat the other side over the head with. If the killer ends up being a fundamentalist, conservative Christian, liberals have a field day. If the killer ends up being somebody named Abdul Muhammad, conservatives have a field day. I, for one, am relieved that these killers didn't turn out to be a couple of Christian Syrian refugees, since that would have sent both sides into cosmic fits of unhinged rage from which the Republic might never have recovered.

For the record, I would like to point out a few things that seem to me to be completely reasonable positions for a reasonably informed and intelligent person to take on some of the most devicive issues of the day. I list them here because too often the noise of partisanship drowns them out:

1. It is possible to fully support the second amendment and support reasonable gun control measures.

2. It is possible to fully support our policemen and want dirty cops thrown in jail.

3. It is possible to be fully pro-life and detest anyone who would shoot up a Planned Parenthood.

4. It is possible to fully support legal immigration and be against open borders.

5. It is possible to love the environment and be opposed to an out of control, power-grabbing EPA.

6. It is possible to fully support a government provided safety net for the most vulnerable people in our society and be opposed to what the modern welfare state has become.

7. It is possible to support a strong, robust, national defense and be against sending American troops to every war-torn hell hole on the planet out of some savior/world policeman complex.

Ok, so there you have it...the mushy middle ground where nobody in this country wants to be, but where everything of value ultimately gets done.