Poor, Poor Hillary

 Hillary Clinton just can't catch a break these days. Things aren't going according to plan for Team Hillary, but they never seem to for the smartest woman in the world. Something always comes along to muck up the works and it's always because of some...man!

She agreed to marry the loathsome William Jefferson Clinton back in the day even though it meant having to relocate to Little-freaking-Rock, Arkansas. But she saw it as her best ticket to the big time and for awhile it paid off. Bill became governor then President of the United States! But along with the dizzying access to power came having to endure a series of bimbo eruptions. Time after time she had to submit to the public humiliation of being married to a serial philanderer. Monica was the worse. A twenty year old intern? How could he have been so foolish? But, endure it she did. A small price to pay for the big prize that lay at the end of the 2008 rainbow...first female President!!

Then, she gets denied by a uncredentialed hack first term Senator from Illinois. Once again passed over by a lesser qualified man, and a black man at that! The humiliation was complete, and devastating. How could the party have done this to her? It was her turn! This glass ceiling business was insidious and soooo unfair. But Barack was gracious. She became Secretary of State and immediately began dreaming of 2016 and the coronation to come.

Only, everything is going wrong. She's got all the money in the world, her only challenger is an 80 year old Socialist, and the Republicans are getting ready to nominate Donald Trump! And yet...Bernie is out there drawing twenty thousand people to hear him talk about wealth redistribution in a monotone, all anyone in the press wants to talk about is her e-mail server, and even when her joke writers gave her that awesome ad-lib about wiping her server clean with a rag, all anyone wanted to talk about was her hideous orange pants suit! And now, even Barack has betrayed her by giving crazy Joe Biden his blessing to run against her!! Betrayed yet again by another MAN!! 

If one didn't know better, one might suspect that the Democratic Party has a problem with strong females. Talk about your war on women? Poor, poor Hillary.

What's in a Picture?

The best part about a wedding is the unique opportunity it provides to take pictures. How many other times do the people you love and care about the most all gather in one place dressed in their best clothes? Well, outside of the occasional funeral...it's always at a wedding. Besides, ever notice how nobody ever takes pictures at a funeral? 

So, this one is especially wonderful for me. From left to right there's Jon, my wonderful son-in-law who so far through year one of his marriage hasn't done anything stupid. Then there's Kaitlin, my beautiful and enormously talented daughter who gave the most touching, beautifully delivered toast imaginable. Then comes Rick and Linda Stroup, father and mother of the bride and dear friends for over 20 years. They are those rare friends who over time transcend the friend designation and somehow become family. The bride, Jessica, like a daughter to me since she was three years old, beautiful, sweet and possessed of a devotion and loyalty to my son and daughter stronger than most natural siblings. Andy, the groom,...the new guy. He seems fine, of course, all new brooms sweep clean so... But, seriously, he clearly adores Jess and I couldn't be happier for both of them. My wife was simply radiant at this affair. I look at her sometimes and wonder how it possible that I could have gotten so lucky. During the salsa dancing lessons after the ceremony, she lit up the dance floor...when I wasn't stepping on her feet. Then Patrick, who these days seems the happiest I have ever seen him, thanks in no small part to the girl to his left, Sarah. The two of them drove 8 hours from Nashville, made it to Durham just in time for the wedding, then had to leave the hotel at 5 am the next morning to make it back to Nashville in time for a 1 o'clock Nashville Symphony Chorus rehearsal. That's some of that devotion and loyalty I was talking about earlier between these three.

So, everything was beautiful, and went off without a hitch. I got to spend a weekend with family and the dearest of friends. Worth every penny.

My Most Excellent Middle Ages Remedy Adventure

I'm starting to dig this Chiroprator business. Yesterday I went in for my third session and was introduced to a lovely new experience...traction! I was instructed to lay on my back and place my head into this contraption that brought to mind something from your worst Marquis de Sadeian nightmares. Two imposing rubber projectiles fit snuggly on either side of my neck and my head was secured by a leather strap across the brow. The nurse then pushed a button that caused the two rubber things to lurch inward, bringing "snuggly" to new levels. She then smiled and cooed, "Comfortable?" I waited a second for my heart to slow down before replying, "....I make a living."

At this point, she offered the barest of explanations, "Ok Mr. Dunnevant, today we are applying 14 pounds of pressure for ten minutes to expand the neck and relieve some of the pressure on your upper spine. You just close your eyes and relax." I barely hear the part about relaxing because I was trying to come to terms with this expanding my neck business. Then she pressed another button. The rubber cones of death began to move north and before I knew what was happening, I was suddenly 6'2".

Then the cheerful nurse disappeared and I was left laying defenseless at my new height. At first, it wasn't entirely awful, quite soothing actually. But then Nurse Ratchet returned, I thought, to assure me that everything was just fine. But no, she was there to expand me further! The rubber cones slid further northward, I began to feel uncomfortable, and thought, if this doesn't stop soon, I'll be able to post up Lebron James! When she left the room, I reached into my pocket, pulled out my cell phone and took my very first selfie, thinking I might need evidence of my mistreatment in the coming lawsuit.

As you can see, this procedure had the effect of jamming all the skin on my neck into my face, turning me into a Charlie Brown lookalike. But, Nurse Ratchet wasn't done. A third adjustment brought the device to its full 14 pounds of pressure, and I literally began to sweat despite the fact that the examining room felt like an icebox ten minutes earlier. "How are you feeling?", she asked cheerfully. "Long," I answered.

But then, something marvelous happened. She unhooked me from this rack-o-pain, and when I stood up, my neck felt...great! Im telling you, these people are evil geniuses. Of course the relief was temporary, but at this point I'll take anything. I'll be back next week for another episode of my Most Excellent Middle Ages Remedy Adventure. 

Be Sure Your Sins Will Find You Out

Ashley Madison.com, the answer to the question, " Can this world possibly get any worse?"

News broke yesterday that the cheaters website had been hacked and the identities of it's 37 million customers had been leaked online. The suits at Ashley Madison were indignant:

" It is an illegal action against the individual members of AshleyMadison.com, as well as any freethinking people who choose to engage in fully lawful online activities. The criminal or criminals involved in this act have appointed themselves as the moral judge, juror, and executioner, seeing fit to impose a personal notion of virtue on all of society."

Ashley Madison is the biggest player in the online adultery industry, describing itself as a company that provides innovative dating services. Of course, there isn't anything innovative about committing adultery since people have been doing it for thousands of years, however, I suppose the chance to find   a liaison without even having to get your lazy backside off of the sofa is a breakthrough of sorts. But, 37 million users?? If divorce lawyers were a stock, I would be buying this morning.

Their statement of indignation kills me. So, it's the free thinkers of the world who choose to establish secret accounts with which to seek out clandestine meetings with strangers for sex. First of all, nothing about destroying one's marriage is free, and I doubt seriously how much thinking is going on when someone enters their credit card information into an adultery website. And yes AshleyMadison.com executives, use of your site is a perfectly lawful online activity. But if your service is so great, why all the cloak and dagger secrecy? I guess that's the fault of all of us moral judges who view betraying a wedding vow as a bad thing because of our outdated personal notions 
of virtue.

So, this morning, all throughout the western world, cheaters are sweating bullets. Wall Street scumbags are on edge. Politicians are popping valium, and televangelist are hiring PR firms as we speak. So far the only famous name that's been leaked came last night when the website Gawker identified Josh Duggar as having had not one but two accounts. Yes, that Josh Duggar. Apparently, when Mr. Duggar wasn't busy blaming gays for undermining the institution of marriage, he was trying his best to undermine his own. And, let me save my fellow Christians from embarrassing themselves by complaining that Gawker rushing to expose Josh Duggar amounts to some sort of Christian persecution. No, it doesn't. Hypocracy, it has been said, is the compliment that vice pays to virtue, something that the big shots at AshleyMadison.com know full well. So, when an atheist, free love enthusiast shows up on a cheaters website, it isn't exactly news. But when an outspoken, family values Christian shows up on the same website, that is news and frankly, it should be. If you loudly talk the talk, you better walk the walk, or you become a laughing stock. Sorry, that's the way the world works.

The fact that websites like Ashley Madison exist is bad enough. That they have 37 million users is worse, and profoundly disheartening. One wonders how many families are about to be torn apart in the coming days, how many lives are about to be shattered. And for what? A night of sex with a stranger?

Free thinking? Please...

A Beautiful Truth

The other day my son posted a quote on Facebook. He had been at a Nashville Symphony Chorus rehearsal, I believe, and the conductor had said something profound:

"If you know of any way to get results other than discipline and hard work, please let me know. Is there something on Facebook or Instagram that I'm missing?"

You can go days on social media and not see anything of lasting value, then...this. I don't know the person who made this statement, but the instant I read it I wanted to meet him/her and give them a hug. It probably sounded familiar to Patrick, since I've been preaching this same gospel all of his life. The fact that he thought it worthy of sharing on Facebook made my day. The fact is, there is no better advice for a young person to hear than the notion that there are no shortcuts to success in life. 

I spent ten years teaching teenagers Sunday School at my church. I loved it, I loved them, basically because they were all so brand new to the world, so full of talent and potential. I would look at them and wonder what they would do with their lives, who would they become? Some of them had natural advantages like strong families, and well connected support groups. Some came from well off parents. Others didn't have much in the way of money or family support. So, each path would be different, more difficult for some, more headwinds, less resources. My message to them all was the same, if you want to make something of yourself in this world, there is no substitute for hard work.

Years have passed since the days when my house was overrun by wild, starving teenagers every weekend. But I have never lost track of those kids, hundreds of them, thanks in no small part to social media sites like Facebook. Some of the most advantaged kids have struggled finding their way as adults. Some of the kids with the most barriers in their way have flourished. Many of the kids who I thought would do well have. But there have also been surprises. That strange boy who never said a lot, or that shy girl who always seemed sad about something have astonished me with what they have been able to build with their lives. Everyone of them who have done well have one thing in common...they all have worked their tails off. None of them have won the lottery, not a single one has inherited a fortune or stumbled onto some get rich quick scheme. None of them have been overnight successes. It's been a slow hard grind, full of setbacks and disappointments, but despite the difficulties, or perhaps because of them, they have overcome and built wonderful lives for themselves.

So, to the conductor who imparted this beautiful truth to a group of singers in Nashville, whoever you are...thank you.

Creepiest. Photo. Ever.

Ok...this picture creeps me out. I stumbled upon it this morning and immediately lost my appetite. Believe me, the creepiness of this picture has nothing whatsoever to do with politics. It's just disturbing in and of itself. The expression on Bill Clinton's face is zombie-like. That hair, those eyes! This photograph needs...no, it demands a caption. Here are a few for your consideration:

1. "Then I said, Hillary, you either put down that cell phone or I swear I'm gonna smack it out of your hand!"

2.  Obama: Bill, here, have a Snickers. You're not yourself when you're hungry.

3. "Barack, the woman is starving me to death! Look at my arms!!"

4. "Barack, I don't care what the constitution says, I'm begging you! PLEASE run for a third term. If Hillary becomes President, I'll kill myself!"

5. Obama: No, but seriously Bill, how do you get your hair that white?

6. "No!! You can't borrow my tee."

7. "You were born where? You have got to be kidding me!!"

8. "Getting old is hell Barack, look here, how do your forearms suddenly get bigger than your biceps?"

 

The REAL Two Americas

Now that the Presidential election campaign is under way, it's time for that time-honored and throughly hackneyed debate topic to rear its ugly head...are their TWO AMERICAS??

Actually, there are probably 18-20 Americas, if you want to get technical about it, but I will concentrate on the Two America shtick here for purposes of clarity. Usually, this trope is most often raised by liberal democrats, although increasingly, republicans have fallen victim to its usage. The basic idea is that America is a horrible place because not everyone is doing equally well. The very existence of wealth means that somewhere, somehow, someone must be poor. The inference is that the wealthy dude came upon his wealth by some fraudulent means, either through inheritance, malfeasance, or chicanery. Insane levels of wealth should shame us. Let me here admit that part of this line of reasoning rings true to me. For example...

How can it be possible that Kanye West is a multi-millionaire ten times over, when a classically trained oboist has to take a second job to pay the rent on his one bedroom apartment in New York City? How is it that Kim Kardashian is worth more money than all the music teachers in American high schools combined? The answer is, of course, that there is absolutely no accounting for taste. Besides, both Mr. West and Ms. Kardashian have obtained their wealth by a series of free exchanges by the individual Americans who watch their shows and buy their records.

Capitalism never promised that it would make the right people rich, only that it would make more people rich than any other economic system ever created. Yes, capitalism has flaws, chief among them  the unavoidably unequal distribution of wealth that always and forever will result so long as talent, ambition, and education are unequally distributed throughout society. But, to hear the Two America's crowd tell it, everyone in America is either rich or poor, so inefficiently has American capitalism allocated resources. Their solution is an invigorated roll for centralized planners in Washington, a much steeper progressive taxation regime, in other words...wealth redistribution, not much different from the old Marxist line about from each according to their ability, to each according to their needs.

But, where do I fit in this grim dichotomy? I am certainly not poor, by any measure that a reasonable person might use to determine such things. However, to declare me rich would also be quite a stretch. Most rich people I'm thinking aren't paying off two mortgages and a college loan. Actually, if I were rich, I wouldn't require a loan to educate my kids, but that's another story. Unfortunately, the Bernie Sanders and Hillary Clintons of this world all agree that my income places me firmly in the "people from whom wealth must be extracted" list. Well, ok then.

But, enough with this class warfare hogwash. Let's talk about the real dichotomy that exists in America, the one that no politician wants to talk about:

There ARE Two Americas...

1. Southerners...and everybody else.

2. People who love soccer and people who don't.

3. Gamers...and everybody else.

4. People who drink lite beer...and everybody else.

5. People who talk loudly on their cell phones while standing in line in a small enclosed area with twenty other people who don't care to hear the specifics of what this idiot wants for dinner...and everyone else.

6. People who prefer ice in their sweet tea, and those who don't.

7. Hunters...and everybody else.

8. New York Yankee fans...and knowledgable, sportsmanship-loving fans everywhere.

9. People who have all the answers...and people who are just trying to figure stuff out.

10. People who prefer paper...and plastic people.