Operational Philosophy of Life #1

I have made an editorial decision here at The Tempest. From now on, I resolve to have nothing to say about any news item that concerns allegations of police brutality. It's not that I don't care about such stories, it's just that it doesn't matter.

Over the past couple of years it seems that there have been hundreds of incidents of policemen behaving badly. There emerges jumpy video that seem to catch the cops red handed in some excess. Then the brightest lights of the grevience industry show up, bullhorns in hand, to fan the flames. Soon a catchy slogan is born...Hands Up, Don't Shoot...Black Lives Matter. But then counter-factual evidence begins to emerge calling into question the initial rush to judgement. Mitigating factors contribute to a new narrative that seems to at least partially exonerate the police. But by that time, it's too late. The protests, sometimes violent have already begun and there's no turning back.

Then it's on. Liberals are out for blood, convinced that the police are no different that the Gestapo of Nazi Germany. Conservatives go all in with the police, decrying the soft on crime anarchy of the left. You look at Facebook after any of these incidents and you will see clearly drawn battle lines with no room for dissent. If you show any sympathy towards the protesters, or question the tactics of law enforcement, you will get hounded by the law and order crowd. If you show support for the cops, you'll be judged as just another priviledged, racist white guy who doesn't think that black lives matter.

So, I've decided not to go there ever again. Part of the reason I have made this decision is because of one of the operational philosophies of my life which is:

" With regards to any subject about which I develope a strong opinion, there is at least a 50/50 chance that I will eventually be proven wrong by events."

What follows is a partial list of just a few of the many things about which I have been proven very wrong during my life:

1. There is nothing of value above the Mason-Dixon Line.     Umm...Maine.

2. The Republican Party is the party of small government.

3. Lebron James is overrated.

4. Indian food is gross and you have to sit on pillows when you eat.

5. Walt Whitman was an over-hyped hack.

6. My son will never make it through college because he's so disorganized.

7. Jon Manchester isn't good enough for my daughter.

8. If I can just make $------- a year I'll be happy.

9. God is interested about my views on tax policy.

10. Eventually the Cubs will win a World Series.

So, with this formidable track record, I will exercise restraint with respect to writing opinion pieces about something as incompetently reported and evidence-free as domestic unrest.

Nothing-Speak

I have a language problem. I mean, other than my epic punctuation, spelling and grammar issues, not to mention my perpetual struggle to maintain tense agreement. No, what I mean by a language problem is the growing tendency among business leaders, politicians and ministers to use mountains of words towards the purpose of saying absolutely nothing.

Years ago I was at a company convention at some exotic locale having a fine dinner at an awards banquet. After dinner we were introduced to a guest speaker whose resume was filled with prestigious jobs in government. I had never heard of him, but he looked the part and seemed to have quite the pedigree. He walked to the podium to polite applause and then began speaking. It took about five minutes or so for everyone to realize that he was talking complete nonsense. It was all English, all complete sentences, but the words had no coherent meaning. Slowly, everyone began glancing sideways at each other with perplexed expressions. Suddenly, the entire house realized that he was a comedian. The laughs started coming fast and furious, mostly out of relief that we hadn't lost our minds.

I'm not sure that guy's act would work today. We wouldn't get the joke. We are so conditioned by nothing-speak we wouldn't even notice.

Listen to any politician on the stump and you will hear nothing but an insipid collection of poll-tested jargon and calculated buzzwords. "We face difficult challenges ahead, but the things that unite us are greater than the things that keep us apart." First of all...not true, secondly, that sentence is a blank canvas onto which the listener can paint any interpretation he wishes. Sort of like, "We are the change we have been waiting for." Really? What kind of change? Change from what to what? How long have we been waiting? Who exactly is "we?"

But it's not just politicians, businessmen do it too. Listen to any CEO give his quarterly report and you will hear what sounds like some foreign tongue. " Our revenue projections were negatively impacted by the synergistic effects of a global paradigm shift in the investment culture at major financial centers around the world." Translation? We had a crappy quarter.

Preachers, alas, are not immune from nothing speak. You want to sugar coat a hard sell to your congregation...you tell them that what you are about to say has been the result of a "journey of faith." If you want to cut off any potential opposition, all you have to say is that the thing has been "bathed in prayer" and that God "has been speaking clearly" at every stop along the way of the "journey." Who wants to object to something that has been the subject of such a long and arduous ordeal of faith? Have we been on such a journey? Then who are we to object?

In each example I have given, the politician, the businessman, and the preacher want to minimize opposition, downplay bad news or poor performance, with the added benefit of saying nothing of substance that might get them in trouble later. It's actually a pretty sweet linguistic trick. The problem is that America, the company's shareholders, and our churches are poorly served by this epidemic of empty words. Don't most of us want people to just tell the unvarnished truth? Isn't it exhausting to constantly have to read between the lines in life? Wouldn't all of our lives be less complicated if our leaders were more like George Patton and less like Dwight Eisenhower? 

Maybe leaders today believe that we the people can't handle the truth. Maybe they're right. If so, shame on us. Until we demand plain spoken truth, we will continue to get risk free nothing speak.

Thanks, Facebook.

Had lunch with an old friend yesterday. I hadn't seen him in years. We were close in college, two working class townies surrounded by a couple thousand rich kids from New Jersey, but our lives took off in different directions and we had drifted apart. But a few weeks ago we found each other on Facebook, that great cyber-detective of the Internet, and before long there we were having lunch at Joe's Inn.

He looked good, not very different from how I remembered him. We began to catch up over a fried chicken club sandwich and homemade potato salad. After twenty minutes or so he laughed, "This is great. Thirty-five years ago all we talked about was women. Now we spend lunch together talking about our surgeries!" Sad, but true.

We talked about our kids. His daughter had just given birth to his first grandchild. I was jealous. We talked about our successes and our failures. He had endured a difficult and acrimonious divorce, is there any other kind? He was just now rebuilding relationships with his kids, and coming out from under the financial devastation of the thing. Listening to his story, I couldn't help but feel grateful for my wife.

As we talked, it occurred to me that I can count on two hands the number of people on this Earth who I have a personal, thirty-five year history with. Generational friends are a rare thing anymore. We are so transient, so scattered, our attention spans so short. It's far easier to just lose the connection, to simply move on to the next thing in life. But when we do, we lose something valuable. We lose a life connection. We lose the things and the people who anchor us to the world. I'm getting to old for that, too old to neglect the old friends.

It was a great lunch. We promised to do it again soon and I believe we will. 

Thanks, Facebook.

The Tyranny of Palindromes

I'm old enough to remember when it was suggested that if you played certain Beatle songs backwards, you would hear satanic messages. I could never figure out how to play albums backwards on my record player, so I dodged the bullet on that one. Some residents of Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania haven't been so lucky.

The Port Authority, which is in charge of Pittsburgh's city buses, announced that it would begin removing an advertising slogan from it's buses after complaints that when read backwards, it was offensive to some. The marketing campaign began several months ago and included "Rockin' Rollin'...and Movin' Groovin'." However, when the latest incarnation of the campaign premiered a few days ago, the trouble started. It seems that, " Ziggin' Zaggin, when viewed in a rear view mirror, was highly offensive, since it so clearly co-opted a very famous Rap lyric with no attribution. No wait...

Although the Port Authority acted swiftly in agreeing to remove the hateful message, some Pittsburghians didn't understand what all the fuss was about. According to CBS Pittsburgh's reporting of this story, Antwon Manson of the Hill District said, " Who really thinks about reading it backwards? It's 'Ziggin' and 'Zaggin'. A vehicle zigs and zags through the city to pick somebody up. It's a ....BUS."

At this point probably over half of you are thinking that I'm making this story up. In the four years that I've been writing this blog, I have been known to pull your legs on more than a few occasions. Recently, I sent an e-mail to the large Dunnevant family that I thought was clearly, propostourously satirical. But satire is often in the eye of the beholder, since more than one of my family was convinced that Patrick was about to bring a ravenous, attack dog to Hatteras for beach week! 

But, believe me when I tell you, I'm not making this up. This actually happened in Pittsburgh this very week. We now live in a country where the easiest job in America is being a writer for the Onion. All you have to do is read a newspaper. Overt, in your face, racial epitaphs are horrible and should be shamed, but now we must guard from the covert racism of words that someone might see in a mirror, spelled backwards and take offense. Wow.

Well, just as a precaution for any advertisers out there, here are some other potentially reverse trigger words that you may want to avoid.

1. If I'm on a diet, I better not see the word STRESSED.

2. Brent Musburger is clearly an agent of Lucifer with his famous introductory tag line, "You are LIVE..."

3.Recovering alcoholics might be launched into a bender if they see the word, REGAL.

4. The NRA is probably behind the phrase, "All SNUG in their beds."

5. Twinkle, twinkle little STAR????

Life in America has now become a gauntlet of potential offenses. The public square is teeming with trigger words, micro aggressions and privileges that need to be checked. So, keep your heads down out there, and just to be on the safe side...leave your mirrors at home!

How To Pick a President

As of 6:30am this morning, June 3, 2015,  there are over a dozen officially declared Presidential candidates, three Democrats and nine Republicans. There will be more to follow in the coming weeks. How in the world is a person supposed to make an informed decision from such a long and formidable list? How does a citizen do his civic duty to the Republic amidst all the media spin and misinformation? Fear not, for I have compiled a helpful list of questions to help with this monumental decision. I do so now, a full 18 months prior to the big event, for those of you who hate waiting to the last minute to make up your minds. As a bonus, this handy voter's guide is completely and totally non-partisan, as it applies to you no matter your political leanings. So, let's begin, shall we?

First, a little quiz. Below you will find a list of qualifications for the highest office in the land. Which ones are actual, constitutionally mandated qualifications and which are not?

1. Must be a natural born citizen of the United States.         TRUE

2. Must be a male.                                                              FALSE

3. Must have attained the age of 35.                                    TRUE

4. Must have resided in the U.S. for the past 14 years.         TRUE

5. Must not already have served two terms as President.     TRUE

That's it. That is the sum total of what our constitution has to say on the subject. Our founders cast a wide net indeed.

Ok, next, let's go over some of the other non-constitutional qualifications that have grown up over time. Some of these are in fact excellent requirements for potential Presidents, others not so much.

1. Must be a person of unimpeachable moral character.

We Americans desperately want to believe this one. Many of us insist on only supporting a cross between Andy Taylor and George Bailey. Who among us wouldn't feel better if all of our Presidents had Jimmy Carter's ethical core, Harry Truman's family life and George Washington's character? Well, the trouble is, moral fiber doesn't necessarily translate into great leadership. There never has lived anyone who possessed a more finely calibrated moral compass than my mother, but she would have made a perfectly dreadful President. My mother's unimpeachable moral character wouldn't have saved her from the demands of the office. She lacked the education and life experiences required to effectively lead something as large and unwieldy as a nation. (although she could have whipped up a batch of homemade biscuits that would have had the French Ambassador eating out of her hand!) Sure, being a morally admirable person would surely help in the Oval Office, but the history of the job is full of highly effective men who weren't exactly Boy Scouts...Thomas Jefferson and FDR spring to mind.

2. Must be a lawyer.

At first glance it would appear to be true since 25 of our 44 Presidents have been lawyers. But, in point of fact, those who haven't been lawyers form an impressive list, among them...George Washington, James Madison, Theodore Roosevelt, Harry Truman, Dwight Eisenhower, John Kennedy, Ronald Reagan, and both Bushes. It might interest you to know that we the people have seen fit to elect three school teachers, three farmers and a newspaper publisher to the highest office in the land.

3. Must have government experience.

Probably a good idea, but not necessarily FEDERAL government experience. Most Americans place FDR and Ronald Reagan at or near the top of best Presidents, many also add Bill Clinton to that list. All three men were governors first, with Reagan and Clinton having no experience on the federal government stage. There's something to be said for having the executive experience of actually knowing how to run something, how to delegate, how to build consensus, etc..something that being either a CEO or a governor provides. On the other hand, being a mere Senator offers zero practical governing experience since a Senator's job is essentially to talk.

4. Must have foreign policy experience.

......I guess so.

5. Must have served in the armed forces.

There was a time when military service was an unspoken requirement for the presidency, especially after World War II. After that war, we elected nine consecutive Presidents who had served in WWII. Not until Bill Clinton did the string end. In all, of the 45 Presidents we have elected,  fully 33 of them were former military. To be fair, it should be pointed out that FDR didn't serve, for obvious reasons, and did pretty well. Although the four Presidents we elected before FDR were all without military experience and none of them were exactly Hall of Fame material. So, who knows?

6. Must agree with me on the ALL-CONSUMING issue that is most important to me.

Each of us has that one big thing that we are passionate about when it comes to politics. For some it might be term limits, or taxes, immigration, or abortion. For others it might be Obamacare, drug laws, gay marriage, or the catastrophe that is the designated hitter rule. If you fall into this category, you're what is known as a single-issue voter. (Not that there's anything wrong with that.) but, you need to understand that your big issue will occupy your new President for approximately ten minutes of his four year term. Then he or she will turn their attention to lots of other stuff. So, good luck with your pet issue.

7. Must be a member of the same church denomination as me.

As far as I know, only three of our Presidents were Southern Baptists...Harry Truman, Jimmy Carter and Bill Clinton, a decidedly mixed record for this strategy. We Americans have been rather even handed in the distribution of denominations. There have been two Congregationalists, three Disciples of Christ, four Methodists, eight Presbyterians and a whopping twelve Episcopalians. For good measure we threw a couple of Quakers in the mix, four Unitarians, one Catholic and five with no denominational affiliation whatsoever, amoung them Thomas Jefferson and Abraham Lincoln. So, I'm thinking that we should discount religious affiliation when shopping for a President....since we aren't tasked with electing a preacher.

Here are a few more things to consider when making this decision, although what follows might be considered a bit partisan, since they are personal to me. 

MAKE SURE YOUR NEXT PRESIDENT DOESN'T HAVE:

1. A criminal record.

2. An annoying facial tick.

3. Chronic acne.

4. A really irritating spouse.

5. A lot of inherited money.

6. A lot of shady friends.

7. A history of ill-health

8. An embarrassing, poorly qualified running mate.

9. A green card.

10. An infatuation with Taylor Swift.

That's all I've got, but I hope that this has helped serve as a check-list of sorts. The truth is that whomever we elect as our President in 2016 will be a mixed bag. He or she will have some excellent qualities and some glaring weaknesses. On some issues we will be in perfect agreement, on others we will be miles apart. When we vote for someone we do so largely on faith since we will know virtually nothing about who they really and truly are, so effective are their handlers. Sometimes it's a gut feeling, an intuition, indeed...a hope.  But, I'm thinking that if we all use this handy how-to guide to picking Presidents, we might actually get lucky. 

You're welcome.

Men of a Certain Age...

This is the picture that greeted me yesterday morning on every single news site I visited at 6 am. This was big news. The man whose Sports Illustrated cover photo once graced the walls of my bedroom in 1976 has been reborn as "Caitlyn" and lionized by none other than Annie Leibovitz.

I am told by sophisticates that what the former decathlete has done is "brave." Mrz Jenner her-himself has spoken of how he-she finally feels free, that for the first time in his-her life isn't living a lie. The fact that this picture is on the cover of Vanity Fair purportedly says something about our evolving culture, the chattering classes intone. The photographic talents of Ms. Leibovitz have at least saved us from the ghastly decision of whether to place "Caitlyn" on the cover of Playboy or Playgirl.

For men of a certain age, the spectacle of seeing perhaps the greatest American athlete of the past fifty years wearing a silk camisole is deeply unsettling. I count myself among this unsettled group. I harbor no ill-will towards Bruce-Caitlin. I want everyone to be happy. I can't imagine what it must have been like to train for the decathlon all the while hating yourself for being in a man's body. That's an existence that I wouldn't wish upon my worst enemy. But, why must all of this truly amazing plastic surgery be proclaimed to the world below the masthead of Vanity Fair magazine? Herein lies the difficulty that I have. It seems like suddenly, irretrievably, we have decided to celebrate things that, historically speaking, fifteen minutes ago we prescribed therapy for. You can either view this phenomenon as some sort of supercharged burst of sublime progressive evolution, or you can worry that we have gone stark-raving mad. Seriously, who among us a mere twenty years ago would have thought that this sort of thing would get the sort of fawning treatment it has gotten today? A brave new world we have.

So, I wish Bruce-Caitlyn the best and hope for him-her that the remaining years of his-her life provide the happiness that he-she has been denied. 

One nagging question remains...I wonder why he chose to spell his new name with a "C" rather than the trademark "K" of his famous reality television family?

The Great Maine Lake House Adventure

Maybe the neck is getting better. Or maybe it's just wishful thinking. This morning it wasn't as stiff as it has been and I didn't feel the need to take three Advil as soon as I rolled out of bed, a good thing. We'll see.

June has arrived. For my business year, June the first is an important day. I devide my corporate year into three parts. January 1 through May 31 is the busiest time. I schedule and execute 70% of my client annual reviews during the first five months of the year. June 1 through August 31 is the slowest part of the year. My clients and myself are busy with vacations and whatnot, so things slow down. From September 1 through the middle of December things get busy again. Each passing year accentuates these divides. As a result of this happy condition of a mid year slow down, buying (or renting ) a summer vacation home has always been a goal. For the past ten years that goal has been deferred because of the monumental task of paying for the college education of my two smarty-pants kids, and then my daughter's fabulous wedding. But, thankfully all of that is behind us.

So, during our wonderful week in the Cayman's, Pam and I discussed the topic of a vacation home in earnest. We talked about the where and why and when of the thing and it became quite clear to me that her heart is still in Maine. A place in Hatteras or Nags Head would be more convenient, accessible for spur of the moment, last minute weekend getaways. But Maine is much more beautiful, and carries with it the allure of magical memories. With a lake house in Maine, the logistics are horrible, but everything else is sublime.

So, we have begun the long, hard search for our "Maine Family Compound." It will be much more modest than the Bush's place in Kennebunkport, and won't require the Secret Service, but it will hopefully be a place where my family will make a million memories.