The Great Beach House Search of '15

It's January of an odd year, and that can only mean one thing. It's time for the great Dunnevant family beach house search! It will come as no surprise to regular readers of this space that our search features a family-only search website called, "Beach Central" administered by my wife. All of the research leg work has been done by Pam and my niece Jenny. They then post the finalists onto the website, where the rest of us are encouraged to make comments as to our preferences. From all of this input, a decision will be made no later than this coming Sunday. Then some unlucky sucker will be chosen to be this year's banker, send in the deposit and collect everyone's rent over the next six months.

Whenever I hear politicians moan and groan about how difficult it is to obtain consensus in Congress over some issue or another I always think, "Psshhtt! Try getting 14 adults in MY family to reach consensus on a beach house!" First there's picking a week that fits everyone's calenders. Then there's the price range, finding a house nice enough aesthetically but not so beautiful that it winds up costing a fortune. The battle then becomes location, location, location. Do we want to be right on the beach or across the road, Nags Head or Hatteras, ocean front, ocean view, or simply ocean scent?

But despite this stunning array of variables, each and every year we manage to come to agreement, unlike the mental midgets in Washington, and with rare exceptions we wind up deliriously happy with our choice, once again, unlike DC. We do this without going over budget, no bribes change hands,(not that I KNOW of anyway), and without vicious ad hominem attacks...although this year there was a snide comment about one particular house being about as exciting as Hillary Clinton on her wedding night. The point is, if the Dunnevants can do it, then surely our elected officials can.

Fightin' Joe Morrissey!

Perhaps it’s not so bad. Maybe the voters of eastern Henrico are more sensible than we are giving them credit for. Sure, they just re-elected Joe Morrissey, he of the long and diverse rap sheet, the same Joe Morrissey now serving a sentence for taking indecent liberties with a 17 year old. They re-elected…him.

But, consider this. How many times have you sat around thinking about politicians and the idea comes into your head, “that scum-bag ought to be in jail!” Well, in Joe’s case, his constituents don’t have to worry about him because he’s already in jail. There won’t be any long legal battles the next time he punches somebody’s lights out outside of some bar in The Fan. The next time he swindles a little old lady out of her life savings, there won’t be any costly trial or prolonged, embarrassing drama-fest. They’ll just add it on to his existing sentence. So, when you think about it, re-electing Morrissey is quite efficient.

To my out of state readers, I would like to offer my sincerest apologies for the tawdry freak show that Virginia politics has become. We Virginians used to pride ourselves on our historical legacy. We are after all the Mother of Presidents. Thomas Jefferson, George Washington, James Madison, James Monroe, John Marshall, Patrick Henry, George Wythe, Robert E. Lee, all hailed from the Old Dominion. But in two short weeks we have sent a Governor to prison, elected a State Delegate who is already in prison, and are close to naming a street after a former Delegate who served nine years in prison for being a drug dealer. Our cultural and political evolution has taken a disturbing detour from the sublime to the ridiculous. Our current Governor’s resume lists his most shining pre-election accomplishment as being President Clinton’s greatest fund raiser. I mean, sure…George Washington may have commanded a rag tag insurgent army to victory against the world’s greatest military power, and granted, Thomas Jefferson may have written the Declaration of Independence and all, but can they really compare with a man who figured out a way to turn the Lincoln bedroom into the most profitable bed and breakfast in America?

Yes, things have certainly changed here in the Commonwealth. While we may have once been called the Mother of Presidents, now we’re more like the Shady Uncle of Presidents.

My Expert Analysis on the Big Game

8:27 National Anthem performed by Lady Antebellum. Meh...

8:30 Teams come out for coin toss and it is revealed that in case you happen to be watching the game on a black and white set, you won't need to worry since Oregon's uniforms have zero color.

8:36 Oregon tries desperately to fumble the ball away but it keeps bouncing back into their arms! Refs blow first call of the night. Booth review bails them out only after forcing official to look ridiculous staring off into the distance waiting..

8:42 Oregon touchdown. Mariota looking like a Heisman winner...quick, athletic, and very Hawaiian. Now the team in color gets the ball.

8:50 Ohio State has to punt after third string QB can't seem to figure out coverage...perhaps because he " ain't come here to play no school!"

8:52 Nearly choke when the very last chip in the bag temporarily lodges in windpipe. Embarrassing.

9:00 Knuckleheaded Ohio State QB starts completing passes.

9:05 Ohio State touchdown after a 4th down conversion. Good game.  Referee is a dead ringer for Bob Newhart and when his microphone goes out he REALLY looks like him!

9:13 Oregon receiver drops a potential huge gainer. All the momentum shifting towards the Buckeyes. Oregon AD rethinking the colorless uniforms.

9:17 Ohio State touchdown. Kaitlin dials CVS hotline to see if they can deliver a sedative to her husband.

9:25 Oregon looking sloppy as the quarter ends. Sloppy and colorless.

9:30 Buckeye fumble. Ducks receivers start catching passes. Go for it on 4th down at the goal line and come up short. Bob Newhart calls personal foul on Ohio State resulting in a four inch penalty mark off.  My first second guess of a call happens when coach does not call Heisman winners number on 4th down.

9:42 Buckeyes looking like the better team just about the time they fumble the ball after a big gain, proving that anyone who bets money on 20 year olds playing games is a certifiable idiot.

9:54 Buckeye Touchdown. Starting to look like another over-hyped Pac-12 team folding like a cheap card table in the big game, plus Ohio State looks very good.

10:05 Oregon settles for field goal after horrible pass by Mariota. this guy won the Heisman? Nearly 600 yards of total offense in the first half. What the heck has happened to defense anymore?

And that's where my expert analysis ends. I have an early appointment in the morning so the idiots who schedule these big sporting events to begin after 8:30 at night on the east coast are losing me for the second half. Now, if this was the World Series, I would be up for the bitter end and blurry-eyed in the morning. But it's college football with no SEC team playing, so...

Lucy in the Rain

I wake up to the sound of rain. I glance at the clock and notice that I have overslept by an hour. It is 36 degrees outside. My backyard is a muddy, soupie quagmire by now and soon Lucy will need to go out for her morning constitutional. It is January the 12th, 67 days until Spring. It is a Monday. Beautiful.

Four million Frenchmen gathered in the streets over the weekend for a giant show of solidarity against terrorism. Among the throngs were many prominent heads of State. The Obama administration is being roundly criticized this morning for failing to send anyone other than the Ambassador to France to attend the rally. I disagree for a variety of reasons.

First, I don't recall world leaders all showing up in New York City for a Kumbaya parade after 9/11. I have nothing against these types of demonstrations, but frankly, they just aren't my style. Emotional gatherings featuring mass-produced "Je Suis Charlie" signs might make the people of France feel better and that's good, but as a matter of policy, it accomplishes absolutely nothing. France is still teeming with angry, radicalized Muslims and the next violent, nonsensical attack on innocents is coming sooner rather than later. Secondly, Obama was in a classic catch 22 here. If he hops on a plane and flies over to Paris and appears in the front of the line of world leaders he would get criticized for grandstanding, for attempting to make it all about him, of simply trying to create a grand optic. If he sent Joe Biden instead, he would have run the risk that old Joe would have said something stupid..."Hey Angela, what does a guy gotta do to get a croissant around here?" So, the President decided to keep everyone home and he gets hammered for it. That's fine with me. Being President is all about being damned if you do and damned if you don't. I suppose he could have sent John Kerry, our very French-looking Secretary of State, but no telling what old Lurch might have done or said. No, I support the President on this one.

Lucy is laying on the rug by the back door staring at me. It's as if she knows that she needs to go do her business but she knows how gross it is outside. She's got that look that says, "I wonder how long I can hold it?" I better not let her find out. So I will put on my raincoat, get the leash and a fresh poop bag and walk out into the front yard in the pouring rain watching Lucy go through her elaborate voyage of discovery, searching for the ideal, perfectly positioned six inch square of real estate worthy of her prodigious morning bowel movement. She will not be rushed by the elements. If anything, it takes her even longer in the rain. Of course, probably 99% of dog owners would be using an umbrella in times like these. Not me. My oversized black and white Titleist umbrella is far too horrifying for my Lucy. She couldn't possibly be expected to relax enough to perform her morning toilette with so menacing an object over my head. So, when finally she is done, both of us will be soaked.

Despite it all, I so completely love this dog. I love every eccentric, jumpy, neurotic, adorable inch of her. Crazy dog!

All Is Not Lost

Last night, on a whim, Pam and I went to see "Mame" at the old Empire Theatre downtown. First we had a fabulous dinner at Tarrants, then walked the block or so to the newly named Virginia Repertory Theatre. Because it was all so last minute our seats were in the balcony and the second we wedged ourselves into them I knew that I wouldn't last two minutes. My knees were rubbing against the back of the seat in front of me and we were in the middle of a row. In my nightmares, I saw a very large man reeking of cigarettes pouring himself into the seat beside me, trapping me for the duration. Quickly, I spied two lone seats all by themselves in a small cove above the stairwell in the farthest corner of the place. I made some excuse to Pam and beat a hasty retreat to claim them. I hadn't been gone two minutes when the huge, cigarette-smoking beast of a man and his two large friends arrived as if on cue. I texted Pam from our newly absconded seats. The relief on her face was palpable! The usher with the clipboard cut us a sideways glance with a knowing smile that we found out after the show was because she thought Pam was the mother of the child star in the cast! Crisis averted.

The show was wonderful. Although the actress who played Mame was an understudy,( I assume the lead actress was ill ), she did a masterful job. I remembered several of the songs from the movie version I had seen years ago. They were clever and fun. The actors were good, not great. The orchestra was superb.

It's always the same thing when I attend a concert. It started back at Godwin High School when I would listen to choirs led by Sherri Matthews. Since then there have been a stream of productions great and small that have featured my son; Nashville Symphony performances of Beethoven, Dr. Entsminger's Chamber Singers, countless other concerts from the Belmont Beltones to Handel at Carnegie Hall. I aways leave the theatre feeling better about life. Although we all live in a world that is full of despair, pain and cruelty, and at times it's tempting to believe that we are doomed...we are also capable of incredible beauty. The same world that gives us hatred and starvation, also gives us Bach. It is the most comforting, life affirming thing in the world to sit down for two hours and listen to talented men and women perform beautiful works of art. It reminds me that all is not lost.

A New Entitlement

Yesterday, while aboard Air Force One, President Obama took the opportunity to announce a new entitlement, free community college education. Alrighty then.

The proposal was short on details, like how much it was actually going to cost the taxpayers, only that the cost would be “significant” and be shared with the states who would be required to pick up 25% of the unstated cost. Here are the details that were provided:

The program would be offered to “students of any age” who were “willing to work for it” and were able to maintain a 2.5 GPA, be enrolled at least “half time” and make “steady progress” toward their degree. In order for community colleges to participate in this program they must adopt, “promising and evidence-based institutional reforms.” The President estimated that the plan could benefit up to 9 million students.

Several questions leap to the inquisitive mind:

1.     What does “willing to work for it” mean exactly? How many hours a week? What kind of job? Will someone be required to provide these jobs?

2.     What does, “steady progress” mean with respects to qualification for this program?

3.     Since this program is open to “students of any age” and will not be needs tested, is it possible that the primary beneficiaries wind up being the middle and even upper classes, and not the needy? Especially since the needy are already qualified for Pell grants?

4.     Does the requirement that State run community colleges adopt “promising and evidence-based institutional reforms” amount to an unconstitutional overstep by the Federal government which does not have jurisdiction over the educational institutions of the States? And, what are these “evidence-based institutional reforms” of which the President speaks?

5.     Since our nation currently has amassed 18 trillion in debt and still is running a dangerous annual accounts deficit, where exactly will the money for this new entitlement come from?

Ok, whenever any President or any politician for that matter introduces a new spending program, my default position is usually intense skepticism. The reason for this should be self-evident, (see large intimidating number in #5 above). However, since even a broken clock is right twice a day, a thinking person should not dismiss every proposal out of hand. For example, while I might object to transforming a college education into an entitlement on the grounds that A. we are broke, and B. this is no business of the Federal government, I must confess that there are far dumber things to spend money on that giving a deserving kid a shot at a decent education. So, maybe I could be persuaded to support this under a couple of conditions:

1.     Full financial disclosure before any votes are cast. None of this 3000 page crap that we have to pass before we can find out what’s in it.

2.     A dollar for dollar exchange of another government program for this one. For example, let’s say that it is determined by the wise men at the CBO that this thing is going to cost 100 billion. It would then be the job of the proponents of “free college education” to find a 100 billion dollar federal program, or a combination of several smaller programs that add up to 100 billion to eliminate, (I would suggest the Small Business Administration and the Commerce Department for starters).

Yes, I’m aware that the State of Tennessee already has a program very much like the President’s and that’s great since the States are where these initiatives should be coming from. And yes, I’m aware that college is free for all in Germany and much of Europe. But the fact that Europe does something does not necessarily imbue it with the ability to end all debate. Europe has its own financial time bombs, many of which make that large, intimidating number in #5 look like child’s play, and many of which might very well be the result of such a profligate welfare apparatus. However, as a reasonable man, I am willing to entertain this particular idea knowing full well that when it comes to Federal programs, an awful lot can go wrong.

I'M OFFENDED!!!"

There’s a new craze in America, a new pastime. It’s all the rage and equally popular in every demographic. Whites and blacks, conservatives and liberals, gays and straights, the religious and agnostic alike, something has finally come along to unite us….being offended.

Taking offense has become the new morning cup of coffee for vast swaths of America, from the heartland to Manhattan. It is the great conversation ender. All one has to say when confronted with something disagreeable is, “I’m offended by that,” and all debate grinds to a halt. It affords its speaker immense stature as a member of the growing legion of the aggrieved, those delicate souls of the put upon generation. Only this generation encompasses everyone at every age.

TLC offers up a reality show called, “My Husband Is Not Gay” about several Mormon men who despite being happily married, confess to being attracted to other men, and before you can say “Ellen DeGeneres” a press conference is called by GLAAD announcing their grievances accompanied by a petition with 80,000 names demanding that TLC pull the show.

Meanwhile, the parent organization, One Million Moms was busy being shocked and revolted by a Disney offering, Good Luck Charlie, because of the appearance of a same sex couple. A boycott is in the works.

Yesterday in Paris a couple of radicalized Muslims who were offended by irreverent cartoons responded by storming the offices of the offending publication and murdering 12 employees in cold blood, so at least the American strain of the offense bug isn’t quite as violent as the European variety.

Over the past few months I have seen published accounts of a heavenly host of the gravely offended. White people offended by Al Sharpton, black people offended by Donald Sterling. There was even a giant, outdoor crowd offence demonstration when a crowd of NYPD officers turned their backs on their mayor, so deep was their collective emotional scarring.

But, lest you think that your humble correspondent is immune, think again. There are a long list of things and people who offend the hell out of me. What follows is a brief list of just a few:

I AM OFFENDED BY:

1.     Reality television. Any family who agrees to introduce cameras into their home so the rest of us can be entertained by either their dysfunction, celebrity or both is beneath contempt and offends every fiber of my being.

2.      The Westboro Baptist Church. These hateful bastards are the ones who show up at funerals with the most vile, illiterate signs speaking cruelly of the dead, all in the name of Christianity.

3.     Rap music lyrics

4.     Rap music

5.     Rap musicians

6.     Donald Trump

Fortunately, as an American, there exists a remedy for #1. I never, ever watch reality television. That way I am only offended that so many others do. As far as #2 goes, the hateful bilge that proceeds out of their mouths is protected speech by virtue of the First Amendment. Inasmuch, I must learn to live with it. Numbers 3, 4, and 5 I also have the privilege of filtering out of my life by choosing not to listen. I hold similar power over #6 by never watching any television show that features his buffoonish face and toxic hair, and never, ever voting for him for President.

I feel the need to point out the fact that if something offends me it bestows upon me no special rights or privileges. The proper response should be something along the lines of, “So what?!” Life is a complicated, contentious thing. Not everything suits me, not everyone agrees with me, and that’s perfectly fine. Would I prefer it if people were nicer and more agreeable? Yes. Would I prefer if people with whom I profoundly disagree would just shut the heck up? Yes. Will that ever happen? Not in a million lifetimes. My only alternative to perpetual indigestion is to develop a thicker skin, and learn how to shrug my shoulders while saying, “oh well…”