24 Revisited

For the first time in four years, I sat down in my living room with the Fort family to watch a live episode of 24. We were all a bit nervous since it’s always difficult to revisit a fond memory from your past. Sometimes during a second look after the passage of time old shows disappoint. It’s like the time I stumbled upon a rerun of The Rifleman a couple of years ago and was dumbfounded at how horribly dull it was. But when I was 12 years old, it was riveting television. Don’t you just hate growing up?

Anyway, there we were last night in our familiar seats when the ticking sound pounded through the screen with the yellow highlighted number 24 flashing like a warning. Then the famous split screens filled with sinister men of varied ethnicities skulking about with bad intent, and just like that, I was hooked. These guys were up to no good in London’s south side and one had the feeling that pretty soon somebody was going to get spectacularly killed. Sure enough, within 5 minutes of the opening credits, there was Jack mowing these pathetic wannabees down with nothing more than his trusty Glock. But wait, just as Jack is about to wiggle off the hook, he pulls the classic bonehead mistake of NOT heading for the roof, clearly his preferred escape choice from Seasons 3,4,5,7 and 8. Something wasn’t right. Was he getting old? Had he lost a step? I blurt out instinctively, “Jack wants to be caught! It’s a setup.” When he is arrested and hauled into the London headquarters of CTU somebody else says, “Yep, Jack’s got em just where he wants em!”

And herein lies the problem with the new season of 24. After eight years, and 238 confirmed kills, 37 miraculous escapes, and 28 bullet wounds, is there anyone alive who believes that the Brits are going to be a match for Jack Bauer? If Jack could make mince meat out of the ChiComs and the Russians, not to mention everyone of Arab descent thrown at him, we’re supposed to believe he’s being put in mortal danger in a land where even the cops don’t carry guns? The scariest part of the first episode had nothing to do with any danger Jack faced, it was Chloe’s new Goth haircut and mascara.

No, the writer’s have their work cut out for them coming up with a villain sinister enough to actual threaten Jack. By hour number two, Jack has already received his first bullet and killed at least 4 lesser henchmen, and the bad guy seems to be a woman, and we all know what happened the last time a woman tried to get the drop on Jack. Yeah Nina, how did that work out for ya?

So far, the safest person to be is President Heller, since he’s the guy Jack is trying to save. The best the writer’s have right now are drones…somebody has figured out a way to commandeer American drones for nefarious purposes. Drones? That’s all you got? Flying technological wizardry armed to the teeth with precision guided missiles that can be fired from miles away at unsuspecting targets…vs. Jack Bauer?

Relax people. The President is safe.

Humor Kills

World famous smart guy, Stephen Hawking, recently opined on the subject of Artificial Intelligence. He warned that AI may end up being the very last thing human beings invent. His line of reasoning contained long run-on sentences filled with multi-syllabic scientific words which after a while I got tired of Googling. The bottom line is this, there is no way we can invent AI that won’t end up killing us all.

Meanwhile, over at the White House Correspondents Dinner last night, the very best argument for going full steam ahead with AI was on display…human intelligence. Yes, once a year, all of the very best and brightest of what Washington DC has to offer gather together in their best tuxedos and cocktail dresses for a night of self-congratulatory narcissism. The “nerd prom” has become the hottest ticket in town in recent years. Established in 1920, the WHCD used to be an event attended by the President and leading public figures from his administration along with all of the reporters assigned to cover them. It used to feature musical performances between courses from the likes of Frank Sinatra, Duke Ellington and Nat King Cole. Starting in the mid-eighties a comedian was invited to host the event and it became a roast of the current president and administration. Somewhere along the way, people from Hollywood were invited, not to perform but rather just to attend and be seen with their favorite politicians. That’s probably when all the trouble started. Now it symbolizes for many the inappropriately cozy relationship that exists between politicians and the ostensibly adversarial press.

Of course humor is a subjective business. Whenever I watch the highlights of one of these things I get the sense that the jokes flow more naturally and with more bite when the President is a Republican. This is unavoidable when one considers that all of the joke-writers and 90% of the reporters in the room didn’t vote for the guy. Humor is easier when the jokes are on someone you can’t stand. But, it takes an entirely different set of comedic skills to rip apart a man who most of you worshiped as a transcendent, messianic figure 5 short years ago. But, from what I saw, some of it was actually pretty funny.

The thing is, I would rather the whole thing just go away. At least stop flooding the place with Hollywood types. Whatever happened to the intrepid reporter speaking truth to power? Whatever happened to the free press as a fourth branch of our government that exists simply to be a thorn in the side of the powerful? I prefer the press to be made up of the sort of men and women who would never receive an invite to something like the White House Correspondents Dinner.

Maybe one day in the future there will be an artificially intelligent computer program tasked with writing the jokes for the evening. Humor kills, right?

Da Bunn

There’s a rabbit in my back yard and she is up to some serious business. She appeared about a week ago, moving slowly and cautiously about. Over the past ten years or so our backyard has not been a safe place for rabbits what with the great hulking presence of Molly patrolling the place. But now “Da Bunn” has the place to herself.

Just before the three days of rain came she was seen digging furiously, lifting her head up from the depths every thirty seconds or so to give the air a healthy sniff. Then she would continue her excavations. When the rains came she disappeared along with every other living creature in the neighborhood, which brings up an interesting question; where exactly do all of the millions of birds squirrels and rabbits go when it rains? Wherever it is, it’s a fantastic hiding place because they all vanish without a trace.

Well, yesterday Da Bunn reappeared, this time in a different section of the yard and showing not the slightest bit of interest in her hard fought hole in the ground. She picked a spot towards the back fence in the sun and sprawled out cat-like, seemingly unaware and unconcerned with her surroundings. Inasmuch, Da Bunn is the most chill rabbit of all time. We have concluded that she is “with bunny” and therefore is preparing for the blessed event in the best way she knows how and not much differently than her human counterparts…laying around waiting for something to happen.

The last time a rabbit was stupid enough to have her babies in our backyard, Molly celebrated the event by finding them, sticking her big behind in the air and tossing the terrified newborns into the air, thrilled to have found two new playmates. Soon there was blood everywhere and Molly quickly lost interest in her stiff and lifeless friends.

This time we are hoping for a happier ending!

A Bad Day

Taking care of my Dad has robbed me of the ability to write anything even vaguely interesting. Before all of this hospital/nursing home business began, I would browse through the news every morning and before long something would jump out at me that I found either hilarious or ridiculous or both. Now, I search for Linda’s latest e-mail update on how Dad’s day went. The news always seems to be bad, and after contemplating what his life has become for ten minutes, nothing in the world seems hilarious anymore.

Yesterday I saw him for the first time in three or four days, I lose count. I have had the flu and had to stay away. I didn’t think it was possible, but he looked even more weak and frail than I remembered. It was one of his bad days, a day where he sleeps all day, unable or unwilling to rouse himself. I got close to his ear and spoke loudly to him in attempt to wake him up. Although he never opened his eyes, he did acknowledge me with several grunted responses to questions I would ask. Every day isn’t like this, but these types of non-responsive days are becoming more frequent.

It’s the oddest thing. Every time I go over there, I feel the need to talk to all of his nurses, to tell them all what an incredible man Dad was, that he hasn’t always been like this. I don’t want them to think of him as a crumpled heap of weakness. I want them to know of his life and great accomplishments. Then it hits me just how ridiculous I’m being. Of course they know that he hasn’t always been like this. Everyone in these beds used to be something greater before. This is their job, to manage what is left of their lives. Still, if I had pictures with me I would be handing them out, “Here’s one of Dad with his Navy buddies holding a 12 foot python they caught inside their Quonset hut in the New Hebrides Islands during WWII,” I would say. They all need to know what kind of life he lived.

When this is all over, I am going to wipe every memory of these past 6 months out of my mind forever. I will not recall these days when I think about my Dad. I will be able to do this because as a human being I possess that most uniquely human quality…the great capacity for self-deception.

A New Sheriff In Town

The NBA’s new commissioner, Adam Silver has put his league on notice that there will be no room for racism in professional basketball. He has set the bar very high indeed, by issuing a life time ban for Donald Sterling’s words uttered in a private conversation serendipitously recorded by his girlfriend and then leaked to TMZ. No matter the source, Sterling’s racist words earned him a record 2.5 million dollar fine, a life time ban and a forced sale of his ownership of the Los Angeles Clippers.  I shed no tears for Sterling, a world class creep who deserves everything he gets. But if I were a player in this league, I would be very, very nervous right about now.

Professional basketball players, like most world class athletes, aren’t exactly known for their Mensa memberships, neither are they known for their choirboy lifestyles, or open-minded acceptance of the “other.” A quick examination of the arrest records of the major stars of most American professional sports leagues will reveal an appalling number of aggravated assaults, domestic violence, drug use and possession, as well as your basic garden variety public intoxication charges. Now that the social media crowd has discovered the power that an illegally taped conversation has to catapult one to fame and potential fortune, we can expect more of it…a LOT more. So the next time Lebron and his entourage are out having a few drinks after a game and somebody starts telling jokes about that gay couple sitting in the third row, they better keep a sharp eye out for anyone holding their smart phone at an odd angle. If Carmelo Anthony casually makes disparaging remarks about a white opponent’s inability to jump, he better hope nobody gets it on tape.

There’s a new sheriff in town and he has made it clear that the NBA will not tolerate impure, insensitive or racist thoughts, even if they are expressed only in private conversations.

One wonders if any person associated with the NBA has ever done anything worthy of a life time ban before Mr. Sterling. Actually there have been a few, mostly no-name players like Roy Tarpley and Chris Washburn, banned for substance abuse. But when it comes to big name players, it’s practically impossible to be banned for life. Although Allen Iverson’s arrest record included physical violence against his wife, including throwing her out of his house naked into the street, no life time ban was issued. During a nine year NBA career Isaiah Rider was arrested an astonishing 832 times, a record that still stands, for everything from assault to weed possession. None of these 832 arrest or even the record setting accumulation of arrests were enough to illicit a life time ban from the Commissioner’s office. But that was then, and this is now. Adam Silver is no Donald Stern, and apparently Isaiah Rider is no Donald Sterling.

So here’s a head’s up to everyone associated with the League, watch your mouth. You never know who is listening.

Married to a Moron?

If I were so inclined, I could devote this space to a full-throated, play by play description of the respiratory battle going on inside my sinuses and lungs. I could describe the various medicines and therapies I have employed against the forces of evil arrayed against me. I could paint for you disturbing mental images of the shocking substance and unworldly color of what I have begun to cough up over the past 24 hours. But I will restrain myself, and spare you the details.

Instead, I will just say that unfortunately, my sainted wife seems to have come down with something very similar despite our best efforts at quarantine and copious amounts of hand sanitizer. The good news is that I feel terrific this morning, for the first time in 4 days. My schedule today is dominated by a Charity golf tournament event which according to the Doppler radar, might end up being played in a steady rain, probably not the ideal way to spend my first day back after battling the FluFromHell. Matter of fact, I’m rather sure that Pam is going to flip out when she reads this. “Seriously honey? You are seriously going to go play golf in a driving rain all day as sick as you’ve been for three days?? Moron. I am married to a moron.”

“No, no honey, you don’t understand. Being outside in the fresh air will actually be good for me. And I’m sure if it starts raining really hard they will call it off. Besides, think of the children! All the proceeds go to poor inner city kids so they can benefit from the First Tee program.”

“Great! By all means, let’s teach poor inner city kids how to play golf, so they can become morons too.”

Actually, Pam won’t say any of these things. She will probably be too weak to make the arguments, and I will be gone by the time she reads this. But I will be able to feel the power of her eye-roll and heavy sigh from miles away.

Donald Sterling

Finally, I have stumbled onto something that makes me care about the NBA. Donald Sterling.

  The 81 year old owner of the Los Angeles Clippers, real estate mogul, slum lord and dater of 25 year old mixed race girls, was recorded by one of them, V. Stiviano, saying that although he was an open minded kind of guy, he had to draw the line at her posting pictures of herself publically cavorting with black people, and that he would really appreciate it if she wouldn’t invite any of them to the Clippers games.

This came as disturbing news to the 9 black players on his team, not to mention Coach Doc Rivers, himself a lifelong African American. The Clippers, being in Los Angeles and Sterling, being a lecherous old man, went to great pains to display his broad-mindedness by adding this gem:

“You can sleep with black people…just don’t bring them to any of my games.”

Yes, nothing quite says “middle America” like an octogenarian hooking up with a 25 year old and nothing says “Los Angeles” like keeping the relationship wide open! This revelation comes at a particularly bad time for Sterling since not only are his Clippers finally in the playoffs but he was about to be given a lifetime achievement award by the Los Angeles branch of the NAACP. Awkward.

Of course it took Jesse and Al less than 5 minutes to latch onto this story, calling for boycotts, expulsion from the league and public castration. I’m sure there will be a staged protest outside the Staples Center, with black community leaders singing “We Shall Overcome” and Obamacare sign-up booths everywhere. But, for maybe the first time in my adult life, I find myself cheering them on. Can any of you imagine how angry you would be if you found out that your boss felt this way about your wife and kids? Can you imagine the rage that would build up inside of you if the person who signs your paycheck and smiles broadly every time he’s seen with you in public, revealed himself to be this sort of lecherous bigot? If I were a member of the Los Angeles Clippers I would have played my last game for Donald Sterling. I would honor his hateful wish and refuse to attend any more games at the Staples Center.

I’m done with the Donald Sterlings of this world. When I think about all of the friends I have who are Black, Asian, and Latino, this sort of thing makes me disgusted and angry. Mr. Sterling has a first Amendment right to say whatever he wants. His gold-bricking girlfriend violated his privacy rights by secretly recording a private conversation, but when you’re 81 and involved with a 25 year old, you tend to get exactly what you deserve in this life. So, no matter the circumstances of how we came about this information, I have a right to respond with righteous indignation to his hateful words and the NBA also has a right to…well, I’m not exactly sure what they have a right to do because I’m not a lawyer. But for crying out loud, if there is any way possible, Sterling has got to go. Everyone, not just Blacks but EVERYONE needs to boycott their games.

I think I need to go take a shower. Just thinking about this chump for the last thirty minutes makes me feel dirty.