Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Generational Whining


Hang around enough people in their mid-twenties and you will hear them lament their severely diminished prospects post graduation from college. You will hear all of the statistics about obscene levels of college debt, and reduced employment opportunities caused by corporations concerned more with “profits than people.” The American Dream is dead for them, they say, replaced by a future of permanently stifled expectations. Since most kids fresh out of college are dependably liberal politically, they normally blame some sort of conservative Republican, big business, Koch brothers, anti-union, cabal for their troubles. Although the Occupy movement has fizzled out, I expect it will make a comeback as more and more French Poetry majors graduate and discover fewer and fewer jobs available or suitable for their skill sets.
On some level, I have sympathy for kids about to enter the job market right now. My generation, the famously narcissistic Baby Boomers have been an abject failure in government. The decisions we have made have indeed screwed up the country in ways great and small, and this fact isn’t the fault of our kids. They are just the ones who will be forced to live with our failures. However, before I have to read any more sad-sack, woe is me hand wringing from the twenty-somethings, a little perspective is in order.
When my father came of age in the 1940’s, his prospects included an economy still reeling from the Great Depression, and his government requesting his assistance fighting a two front war for our nation’s very existence, not exactly the fast track to fame and fortune. Yet, somehow he managed to get married, start a family and thrive. My brother, who is ten years older than me, became an adult about the time when his college contemporaries were getting gunned down at Kent State and either burning their draft cards, or being shipped off to Vietnam, a future just slightly less murky and troublesome than our Dad’s. Then there’s me.
When I graduated from the University of Richmond in 1981, I did so with close to $25,000 of college debt, a terrifying sum of money back then, adjusted for inflation. When I got married a couple of years later, as part of her dowry, I inherited my wife's college debt of nearly $12,000. Again, adjusted for inflation, it compares favorably to the “mountains of debt” I keep hearing about these days so, cry me a river. Speaking of inflation, when Pam and I started having kids and needed something bigger than a two bedroom apartment; our first house came with a 12.75% interest rate mortgage. The Jeep Cherokee I bought to carry around the two car seats cost me 16% to finance. Oh, and incidentally, there was no such thing as “no money down” financing. But, somehow I managed to pay back my student loans, although it took over ten years, and we ate beans and franks for dinner many a night to make ends meet, but meet they did. We had no choice, if we wanted to build a life.
The point I am trying to make here is that every generation that has ever lived has faced daunting challenges. There is nothing new under the sun. Kids entering the work place today face challenges as well, but there is nothing uniquely debilitating about their lot that comes close to justifying such doomed expectations. Cheer up, guys. Face life with excitement and great expectations. You have cell phones in your hands that bring the wisdom of the world to your fingertips. This is an advantage that no generation in the world has enjoyed. Make use of it.
I, unlike most of you, expect tremendous things from you guys. In fact, I’m counting on it!  

Tuesday, April 8, 2014

My Favorite Day of the Year


Every year about this time, the people over at the Tax Foundation publish their numbers calculating “Tax Freedom Day” in America. That’s the day when the nation has made enough money collectively to pay its total tax burden for the year, including not only Federal taxes but state and local taxes as well.  This year it will be three days later than last year, arriving on April 21.

There are a few quibbles I have with the process, for instance, people who live in low tax states like Tennessee and Mississippi reach their Tax Freedom Day a heck of a lot sooner than the good people in New York and California. Not only that, but low income people reach their Tax Freedom Day very early in the year compared with some Wall Street bond trader in New York city. We’re talking the “average American here, and who wants to admit that they’re average?

So, seeing as I am in possession of my 2013 tax return hot off the presses, I did the math myself. I added up all my income, then totaled up all of my tax payments to Uncle Sam, FICA, the State of Virginia, and Henrico County. Then I did the division on my $3.99 calculator. It turns out that my Tax Freedom Day arrived on April 16.

The Tax Foundation folks claim that the average American spends more money paying taxes than they do on food, clothing and shelter…combined. I ran the numbers and found out that they were right on that one too, by a long shot.

Big government types always hate it when Tax Freedom Day is announced, calling it “flawed, and devious anti-government propaganda.” I happen to think it serves as a decent measuring stick as to how we are doing economically as a nation, and on that score, it turns out, not too badly!

For example, in the year 2000, we weren’t free of our tax bills until May 1, and back then our tax burden represented over 33% of our income. Of course back in 1900, we were done forking over money to all branches of government by Jan. 22. In 1940 after the Great Depression and right before World War II, it was still earlier…March 7.

However, if we think we have it bad, we should walk a mile in the European’s shoes. Our buddies in the United Kingdom slave away until May 30 until they get to keep any of their money. For the Germans it’s July 8, for the French it’s July 16, and pity the poor Belgians who pay a whopping 58.5% of their income to the government, which takes them all the way until August 3 to get into the black. Just think about that for a minute. Those countries have that kind of tax rate and they don’t have to worry about fielding a military capable of defending themselves!

Of course all of these statistics are meaningless unless they are attached to what sort of value we are getting for all of this money. If our government provided excellent service, tremendous schools, and efficiency and accountability, a tax rate of 30% would be considered a bargain. Conversely, when we get the DMV, the United States Postal Service, career politicians with lifelong pensions, and a National Security Agency that listens to all of our calls, 30% seems unfair and confiscatory. Eye of the beholder, I suppose.

But, cheer up. At least we don’t live in Afghanistan, where the top tax rate is only 3%, but nobody survives long enough to pay!

Monday, April 7, 2014

The Next 97 Days


A glance at my calendar for the next three months:

April 11: Attend Flying Squirrels game courtesy of my daughter who purchased prime first base line seats for my birthday.

April 15: Submit 50 page tax return and figure out a way to pay the IRS.

May 11: Celebrate Kaitlin’s 27th birthday with festive dinner at Burger King, since all of my spare change is being consumed by Wedding expenses.

May 17: Attend Patrick’s graduation ceremony from Westminster at the beautiful Princeton chapel where one of the songs will be one of Patrick’s arrangements.

May 18: Flip Mattress

May 19: Celebrate 30th wedding anniversary with good cheer and warm hugs while we remind ourselves that we will actually get to celebrate in August sometime after the Wedding, with a festive dinner at Burger King.

May 25: Celebrate Patrick’s 25th birthday maybe by attending the Spoleto Festival in Charleston, South Carolina where he will be performing, assuming we can afford bus fare down and back.

June 12: Begin final 30 day stretch run of Wedding planning lollapalooza by developing a close working relationship with high end pharmaceutical rep who specializes in “mood altering” drugs. Mike Slagle, call your office!

June 19: Every time one of our friends reminds us that there are only “three weeks until the big day,” remind Pam that it’s just a number and everything will be ok.

June 26: Begin intensive study of weather apps and long range forecasts and no matter what I find, assure Pam that it looks like we are in for a cool down very soon.

July 4: Celebrate nation’s birth with festive meal of saltine crackers and Velveeta, while listening to John Philip Sousa on Pandora, as we enjoy the scorching 98 degree sunshine and soul-crushing humidity that are the last vestiges of a three week long heat wave that according to my weather apps is about to end, ushering in an entire week of “spring-like temperatures.”

July 11: Drive to the rehearsal dinner through gale force winds, golf ball sized hail and lightning bolts that look like they were flashed from King Triton’s trident itself. I remind Pam that this is that long-promised cold front that will usher in the cooler weather just in time for the big day!

July 12: The big day dawns bright and clear, birds chirping happily, temperature expected to top out at 78 glorious degrees. Everyone’s hair looks great as the Wedding goes off without a hitch. All of the expense, planning and late nights were worth it, as Kaitlin walks down the aisle looking like a princess.

July 13: Disappear for a month.

Saturday, April 5, 2014

An Indispensible Woman


Yesterday morning a firestorm of panic was released against my wife. As she was about to sit down and eat her breakfast, in the 10 minutes she allocates for this purpose in her manic morning routine, she received three urgent requests for her services all within five minutes of each other. Sadly the first request was mine:

“Honey, can you help me figure out how to upload this video into my blog?”

Hair still wrapped in a towel, she hustled into the study to get to the bottom of my latest technological failing.

Next emergency was also, sadly, of my making. Somehow, I had failed to send in the payment for Kaitlin’s county tags, and now she was driving around proudly displaying her NOV. ’12 stickers for all to see. Jon, who was here and had volunteered to take care of the problem, needed the title number for the car. So naturally he went to the fount of all information having anything to do with the Dunnevant household. While Pam was feverishly scouring her computer looking for a Honda Civic title, she gets an agitated text from our son:

“Mom, I need for you to scan a copy of my Social Security card to Westminster’s personnel office immediately or I won’t be approved to attend the Spoleto Festival!”

This, I’m sure brought back fond memories for Pam of those wonderful calls Patrick used to make from Sherri Matthews’ chorus room back in high school:

“Mom, I left my music folder in my room!! I think it’s on the floor next to the TV right beside that pile of empty juice bottles, next to all my dirty clothes. If you don’t bring it here in the next 10 minutes, Mrs. M is gonna kill me!!!”

Now with three balls hovering in the air over her head, Pam had time to think about what she faces over the next 7 days, everything from wedding planning details to end of school reporting, pending teacher license re-certification deadlines, and as of two days ago the new prospect of …wait for it…jury duty! So much for breakfast.

To her, my life must seem like a sunset stroll at the beach. All I have to do is run a business and make money, and remember to buy county tags on time. My record on all three is spotty. I have loads of spare time to work out four times a week, play an occasional round of golf, and write this blog. Pam’s spare time gets quickly co-opted by a thousand little brushfires that only she can put out. She is the only indispensible person I know. I feel like I should do something to help, like suddenly become more useful at the stuff I don’t know how to do. Or maybe I should send her one of those nice e-card things to brighten her day. The problem is, I can’t figure out how to download the link from the website thing, because it keeps saying that I need the latest version of something called “Java script”…

“Hon, could you come in here for a second and help me with this??”   

Friday, April 4, 2014

My Birthday Ended Better Than it Started


My birthday got off to a terrible start. I received three e-mails in rapid fire succession from my accountant, never a good thing. I don’t believe that I have ever received any correspondence from him that was good news like, “Hey Doug, just wanted to drop you a line to remind you to be looking for that fat IRS refund check! It should be hitting your checking account any day now.” No, it’s always something dreadful and dire-sounding like, “These expenses you have listed on the document entitled RFA expenses for 2013? What do you expect me to do with them,” or even worse, “Can you explain the discrepancy between what you say that you have paid in estimated taxes and what my records indicate?”

Anyway, I could understand virtually nothing in any of these e-mails, and it is this sad fact that troubles me. The problem is this…I haven’t filled out a tax return in over 30 years. I have always had an accountant, and while I’m sure that he has saved me a lot of money, it has resulted in a total ignorance on my part of the entire process, which makes me feel like a moron. I’ll never forget when my kids asked me to help them fill out their first returns. I looked at them and said, “wait,..what?” So here I am in the financial business and I couldn’t fill out a tax return if my life depended on it. When Carl sends me my return every year it looks like it was written by Tibetan monks. I glance at the pages and pages of numbers and columns with a pit in my stomach. Then I find the cover page and look for the words, “WHAT YOU OWE.”

But, enough about our fascist tax code, the rest of my birthday was quite fun. My business partners took me to Hondos for lunch. Then last night I went to Chuy’s with family and friends. I got some truly awesome gifts. My daughter gave me and invite and tickets for prime seats along the first base line for next Friday night’s Flying Squirrels game. For those of you not from around here…yes, our double A baseball franchise goes by the name Flying Squirrels as in, “GO NUTS for the Squirrels!” Then Pam got me some really cool workout shirts and the most amazing gift ever, three, hour long massages at Hand & Stone!! Then my son, who is very broke and in graduate school sent me this amazing video that for some inexplicable reason, I can't manage to upload into this blog post, so you'll have to go to my Facebook page to see it. Take my word for it, it's awesome!

 So, all in all a very good day which ended much better than it started.

Thursday, April 3, 2014

The Day I Was Born


The world was a different place on the day I was born, this day, April 3, 1958:

The President of the United States was old, white and bald.

A brand new house could be had for $12,500.

The national debt was 16 trillion dollars less than it is today.

The most popular show on television was The Ed Sullivan Show.

The Beatles weren’t a band yet.

The two best baseball players on the planet were Willie Mays and Mickey Mantle.

The NBA was full of slow white guys.

Only sailors and motorcycle gang members had tattoos.

The most popular singer was Elvis Pressley.

Gas sold for .25 a gallon.

The cars you pumped it into were all huge and the most popular ones had fins.

Kids never wore helmets while riding their bikes.

Gigi won best picture at the Oscars.

The most popular novel was Breakfast at Tiffany’s by Truman Capote

My father was 34 years old, healthy, larger than life, and wondering how in the world he was going to manage to feed yet another mouth.

My mother was 28, healthy, beautiful, and thrilled with the arrival of her fourth child.

Fidel Castro’s forces began the attack on Havana.

An annual income of $3650 would have placed you dead center of the middle class.

The safety net consisted of Social Security, and the food bank at the local church.

The Dow Jones Industrial Average stood at 456, a mere 16,000 points lower than today.

Pam was still four years away from being born, and Kaitlin and Patrick could not possibly have been imagined.

Washington politicians were just as selfish and stupid as they are today but thanks to no 24/7 news coverage, we just didn’t know it.

The best selling song of the year was “All I Have To Do Is Dream” by the Everly Brothers.

The Washington Redskins finished the season 4-7-1, proving that some things never change.

Yes, a very different world when I was born.

Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Early Morning Epiphanies


I awoke bolt upright in the bed at 4:45 am. I was not in a cold sweat, but rather clear-eyed and unwavering. I had been the beneficiary of a series of life-changing epiphanies. The scales have fallen from my eyes.

  1. It has become clear to me now that my government is awesome, the bigger the better. In fact, since they have done so much good over these last 50 years, I now believe that we all should be taxed at 100% of our income. We should give it all freely and cheerfully to Washington where, free from financial restraints, our government would be able to take care of all of our collective needs.
  2. Baseball is in fact a boring, dying sport. However, if I’m going to be a fan at all, I might as well root for the greatest team in history, the New York Yankees.
  3. Rap music is awesome. It’s the modern equivalent of Bach, and the lyrics are the Shakespearian sonnets of the 21st century.
  4. The best movies in the world are made by the French.
  5. When I see an NBA player covered from head to toe in tattoos I will from now on think, “Wow, what amazing self-expression!”
  6. The only morally and ethically defensible way to eat is Veganism.
  7. Reality television may very well go down in history as the most creative, uplifting form of communication ever conceived by the mind of man.
  8. Soccer is actually the most riveting sport on television, and I can certainly understand its world-wide popularity. I am embarrassed for my country when I see the Nielson ratings for the Premier League games on ESPN. When will we EVER follow the world in our adoration for this most exciting game ever created?
  9. I now see that the Big Ten is the finest football conference.
  10.  Al Gore will one day be worshiped as our country’s new George Washington for his tireless efforts as a modern day prophet on Global Warming, which is the biggest threat to our existence that mankind has ever faced. Clearly, we are the sole cause of climate change and the only way to save ourselves is to turn over control of the entire world to the United Nations.
  11.  If Barack Obama isn’t one day carved into the granite of Mount Rushmore, it will be because of racism.
  12.  The Washington Redskins are perhaps the most well run franchise in the NFL and Dan Snyder the most enlightened owner.
  13.  The Kardashian sisters are not only beautiful, but smart too.
  14.  There is no such thing as liberal bias in the media. The fact that 95% of them vote for Democrats just proves that they are better informed than the rest of us.
  15.  All of the Twilight movies are better than Citizen Kane and Casablanca.

It’s been quite a morning!