Politically Correct College Football Picks

Many of you have complained that I have abandoned last year’s wildly popular weekly college football picks. Honestly, none of you have complained about it, and frankly, my feelings have been hurt about the whole thing. So, today I am reintroducing my picks with a twist. This time  I’m going to make my picks based on political correctness alone. I will ignore things like won loss records or strength of schedule, or how many good players a team has. No, I will try to answer the question of which team will win based solely on what outcome would be more fair and equitable, given all the injustice in the world today. Here goes…

 

Maryland vs. Florida State

Here we have the Terrapins, the lowly turtle, possibly the slowest creature on Earth, who plods along trying desperately not to be run over and crushed by the single biggest menace to the environment ever built, the modern automobile. They will be going against the Seminoles, a team that has wrapped itself in the traditions and lore of a noble Native American tribe. This blatant racism most notably displays itself with that most irritating tomahawk chop, and a stadium full of white people imitating the Seminole war chant. This contest boils down to the environment vs. racism. Take Maryland and the points.

Georgia Tech vs. Miami

Georgia Tech is a school that trains the finest mechanical, technical and nuclear engineers in the country. Their graduates then go on to work for big corporations that produce products that befoul our environment, endanger our communities and in doing so produce obscene levels of profit. Miami, on the other hand, has perhaps the most racially diverse student population in America. It’s President is none other than Donna Shalala, who served for eight years as the Secretary of Health and Human Services under Bill Clinton,  the one department of our government most determined to stand against obscene levels of profit. Profits vs. people? Take Miami to cover.

Ohio State vs. Northwestern

Northwestern University is perhaps that most loathsome of institutions, the private research university. Its classes are filled with only the very best and brightest students. In all of the Big Ten, it is no doubt the most elitist. On the other side of the line of scrimmage will be the Ohio State buckeyes, a school which accepts an amazing 68% of its applicants, as clear a refutation of elitism as can be imagined in academia. In addition, Northwestern’s  mascot is something called Willie the Wildcat, a gross and tawdry example of the personification and ultimate subjection of the animal kingdom. Ohio State in a blowout.

Washington vs. Stanford

This is a tough one. While Stanford is also a private research university which accepts only 7% of its applicants and therefore represents the elites of our culture, they did make the brave decision several years ago to divest themselves of their racist past by removing the offensive Indian as their mascot and replacing him with “the Tree”. It was a beautiful thing. However, their opponent today is the University of Washington, a fine public school which accepts anyone as a student who can fog a mirror, an egalitarian record it can be proud of, and yet…there’s the tricky business of their personified mascot, the embarrassingly named “Harry the Huskie.” This is a call that can go either way. The tie breaker comes down to team colors. Washington’s purple is a color of peace, while Stanford’s cardinal red is the universally recognized color of war. Take Washington to eek this one out in overtime.

Secession!?

It’s getting harder and harder to visualize America’s future. We are so divided by politics, so annoyed with each other, that the word secession has started to pop up in the national conversation. One day I read where some county in Colorado wants to secede, the next day it’s some town in Maine. Maybe it would be for the best. It has gotten me to thinking about the possibilities…

1.     New York, Massachusetts, Connecticut, New Jersey, Delaware, Vermont, New Hampshire, Maine, Pennsylvania and Maryland all form a new country and call themselves The Utopian Republic. They elect Michael Bloomberg as their first President. They immediately install a single payer universal health insurance system, and declare college education will henceforth be free. The minimum wage is unilaterally raised to $23.50 an hour, every citizen is issued free condoms, food stamps, and a new house. 20 oz. soft drinks are outlawed, and corporate profits are criminalized. To pay for all of this, the Utopian Republic becomes the first modern nation state to outlaw the military, saving billions.

2.     Virginia, North Carolina, South Carolina, Georgia, Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, and Tennessee get together and form a new country, calling themselves The SEC. Paula Deen is elected by acclamation as their first President, and immediately declares butter to be the official national condiment, making the use of margarine punishable by the death penalty. Rudeness is declared to be a felony. Military academies are established in every county in the new Republic, and every SEC boy is required to attend. Each and every meeting of the National Congress begins with a covered dish supper, and ends with mint juleps under the Spanish moss trees in the courtyard. A tongue awfully similar to English is declared to be the official national language. Charleston, South Carolina is declared to be the capital city of the SEC.

3.     Texas makes itself its own country, and warns everyone in the world to not mess with it.

4.     Mexico annexes New Mexico and Arizona. It thinks about throwing California into the deal but decides that it has enough financial problems without getting stuck with that train wreck.

5.     California, thus scorned by Mexico, decides to just go for it. They elect Sean Penn as Generalisimo, and declare themselves to be the People’s Republic of Free Lovia. Negotiations between the nascent nation and Cuba begin in earnest, as Penn sends Alec Baldwin to Havana to work out the details.

6.     Oregon and Washington State combine to form the progressive new country of Caffenia, where each and every citizen is issued an umbrella and a $1000 gift card to Starbucks.

7.     Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Wisconsin, and Minnesota become a colony of Canada, and declare rust as the official Colonial color.

8.     The entire upper and mid west from Montana down to Arkansas form the largest of the fledgling countries and call themselves the Flyover Republic. Of all the new breakaway states, the Flyover Republic is destined for greatness by virtue of the fact that it’s the only place in North America where anyone knows how to farm anything. They immediately become an insanely rich country by exporting grain and beef to its very hungry neighbors.

9.     West Virginia becomes the only former state not to become its own country, waking up one day to discover that it was no longer receiving huge federal subsidies and wondering what the hell happened.

10.  The people in the District of Columbia finally get their wish, finally able to cast a meaningful vote, which they do by declaring themselves a Protectorate of Venezuela.

The E-mail Ad Wars

I am officially bored with the government shutdown, and I feel relatively certain that you are tired of reading about it. So today let’s delve into a subject of almost equal frustration, the number and subject matter of junk e-mails.

Every morning when I turn on my cell phone, there are at least four or five unsolicited email advertisements in my inbox. There’s nothing necessarily objectionable about this, I mean, hey, people have to make a living, and deleting them takes two seconds of my time. But what is starting to puzzle me is the subject matter of these emails and what it might suggest about…me. First of all, what makes these advertisers think that I would be interested in their products? Frankly, sometimes it’s insulting. For example:

# Discount tire coupons. These people carpet bomb me with offers to replace my tires. Why me? My tires are very expensive and at the very first sign of wear get replaced at great expense since I have my cars worked on at Axselle’s Auto. Give it a rest fellas, I’m good!

# Canadian Pharmacies. These guys are even more relentless, offering me everything from testosterone supplements to Viagra knockoffs. Need pain killers? We got your pain killers right here, no prescription needed. Wait, isn’t that illegal? And why Canada? What makes them the discount drug kingpins?

# Senior Living Retirement Communities. Maybe these people know somehow that my Dad is 88 and in failing health. At least that’s what I hope it is. I am certainly NOT ready for their services at the moment!

# Get Published NOW! Ok, somehow the marketing world has gotten wind of the fact that I’ve written a book. I get at least one offer to polish my manuscript per day, not to mention offers of one stop shop self publishing services, with low, LOW prices.

# Thinning hair cures. Seriously people, have you looked at my head lately?

# Male Enhancement Miracles. No comment.

# Check your credit score for FREE. I have excellent credit. Wait, do these guys know something that I don’t?

# Terry Mcauliffe is a Communist, Ken Cucinelli is a scum bag. Now these particular emails vary depending on whose running but they are always the same, depicting the other guy as a monster. I have never once gotten a political email simply proclaiming the virtues of a candidate.

 

So, that about wraps it up. Of course there are the assorted free oil change coupons, offers to sell my home, and the random bra promotion( I’m not kidding). I’m sure there’s a way to shut these things off which maybe one of my tech savvy readers will let me know about. I’m not sure how many more senior living emails my fragile ego can take!

Lamest. Analogy. Ever.

Yesterday, The President of the United States took to the microphone in the Rose Garden to compare the manifold failings and glitches that accompanied the rollout of Obamacare to the glitches that Apple experienced with the recent introduction of its new operating system.

“I don’t recall anybody saying that Apple should stop selling iPhones or iPads and threatening to shut the company down if they didn’t.”

Thus, Barack Obama will go down in history as the President who employed the most moronic analogy of all time.

Where to begin? Mr. President, I realize that it’s important for you to appear hip and with it and all, and God knows there’s no better way to connect with us than by referencing our gadgets, but if you knew anything at all about business, you never would have brought up Apple, especially in comparison to the Rube Goldberg contraption that is your signature legislative accomplishment. Yes, when Apple introduces any new device glitches happen. But Mr. President, there’s a line snaking out of every Apple retail store in America for a good reason…they manufacture and sell exceedingly popular and insanely profitable products. The reason nobody wants the company to stop selling products and shut down is because people LOVE their products! Your government, on the other hand, has a long and storied history of glitches. The product you are selling is not universally adored, and people are not willing or able to pay through the nose for it. Not only that Mr. President, but the American people have countless real world examples of what it’s like to deal with government run enterprises like the IRS, the DMV, and the Post Office, and let me tell you, it ain’t pretty. The other reason you shouldn’t have brought up Apple is this little business of money. See, although you’re right that Apple products have been known to have glitches now and then, if they had as many glitches as we’ve seen in Obamacare, they would pay a huge price. They would lose market share, their share price would tank, and those responsible for the glitches would quickly be canned. What price will government pay for these Obamacare glitches? Whose head will roll if this boondoggle blows up? You know as well as I do, nothing will happen. No matter how awful this thing is, no one will pay a price for its failure except the users of the product. That’s because government is immune from the disastrous results of the policies that they foist on the rest of us. Oh, and one more thing. Last time I checked, Apple turned an 8 billion dollar profit in 2012 selling amazing products that people are willing to buy. The glitch machine that is your government went in the hole for a trillion dollars during that same year.

Lamest. Analogy. Ever.

 

Just an observation about yesterday’s Blog. My wife pointed out a few things about it that deserve a comment or two. I should have pointed out the fact that all non-essential employees are not created equal. For example, if I had planned a vacation to Yosemite with my family, the Park Rangers that run that place would be extremely essential to me. This is a fair point. I’m sure that many of the 800,000 furloughed workers do good and valuable things. My larger point was that 40% of the Federal workforce is deemed non-essential. That is a mind blowing percentage that you would never find in a profitable private sector company. Considering the financial condition of our country, that percentage is unfathomable. I envy none of the 800,000 furloughed workers, and if I were them I would be furious with everyone on Capitol Hill still receiving a paycheck.

800,000???

The Federal Government has 2 million employees. As a result of the shutdown, 800,000 of them will be furloughed, because they are deemed non-essential. This fact, ladies and gentlemen, is at the very heart of why I detest Washington, D.C.

Ok, before I go any further, let me say that if you are one of the 800,000, I am very sorry for your loss. This isn’t your fault. You have a job; you go to work and expect to get paid like everyone else. Try not to take this personally, but if you are not essential, why are you even employed in the first place?

Here’s the deal. Every large enterprise has non-essential personnel, this isn’t a government invention. I’m sure there’s somebody working at Apple who is paid 100 grand a year to grind the big boss’ Jamaican blue mountain coffee beans every morning. But when you’re a company like Apple which earned 8 BILLION in net profit last year alone, it entitles you to such non-essential extravagance. Even my business isn’t immune to this reality. I pay my assistant to do paperwork, file stuff, mail stuff, and various other jobs that I despise. But I do this because my business is profitable. I am perfectly capable of doing these jobs myself, and if my business experienced a severe reversal, my assistant would find herself quickly unemployed.

 Not so, with our Federal government. How can an enterprise that routinely finds itself leaking a trillion dollars worth of oil every single year manage to have 800,000 non-essential employees? I mean, the government has 750,000 more non-essential employees than Apple has total employees. The government has more non-essential employees on the payroll than the entire population of San Francisco!

How on earth can this be? Just a few days ago I heard that noted expert on governmental efficiency, Nancy Pelosi, say that there was literally nothing else that the government could cut, that in fact the “cupboard was bare.” Nothing to cut?

Actually Nancy, I’ve done a quick, back of the napkin calculation, and have identified 536 non-essential employees who need immediate pink slips.

Better Call Guido

My brother works for the U.S. Postal Service in Maryland. He has a walking route. In December he will turn 65. Delivering mail on foot for over 15 years takes its toll on a person’s feet, so recently Donnie has become what is known in sports journalism as oft injured, which is how Miles Austin is almost universally described, as in, Miles Austin, the talented but oft injured wide receiver for the Cowboys.

Lately, it’s been his left foot. He’s missed some time trying to determine the cause of the sharp pains that stab through it every time he takes a step. While the pains in his foot have been difficult, they pale in comparison to the pain of navigating the mind numbing, sand pounding stupidity of filing a Workman’s Compensation claim. So far, four weeks of filling out paperwork has netted my brother absolutely nothing except a corresponding new pain in his #$%@!!

So, the other night we had a phone conversation that went something like this:

Me: So, how’s the foot?

Donnie: It was getting a bit better until yesterday when my good foot started to hurt.

Me: Oh, great!

Donnie: Yeah, but the worst part is, in order to qualify for the right kind of treatment, I’m going to need a new Workman’s Comp. claim number, and you remember what I went through trying to get the first one.

Me: Did you ever get a claim number the first time?

Donnie: Well, not exactly, but I’m told that it will be any day now.

Me: Whoa, wait just a minute! This is ridiculous. Hey, aren’t you a member of a union?

Donnie: Well, yeah. They take $500 out of my check every month, so I suppose I am.

Me: Well, that’s your answer then. File a grievance with your union.

Donnie: No! I hate unions. I am philosophically opposed to them, and resent being forced to join. I could have retired by now if I could have invested all my union dues they’ve confiscated from me.

Me: Listen to me Donnie. I’m no union fan either, but the fact is, you’re a dues paying member and now is your chance to collect. What’s the biggest benefit of union membership?

Donnie: ummm….the really cool coffee mugs?

Me: No! Access to muscle, it’s time for you to call in some union thugs. I’ll guarantee you that there’s somebody down at the union hall who handles this sort of thing.

Donnie: Oh, you mean Guido?

Me: Of course I mean Guido!

Donnie: I don’t know Doug, I’ve heard stories about Guido.

Me: Yes, and I bet they go something like this…some guy knows a guy, who knows another guy down at the union hall who specializes in workman’s comp. It’s funny, but he doesn’t look like a lawyer. I mean, most lawyers aren’t 6’5”, 270, wear warm-up suits and have a toothpick hanging out of their mouth, but every time old Guido shows up with his Louisville Slugger, negotiations go surprisingly well.

Donnie: Yeah, that’s him.

I fully expect a much smoother claims process for Donnie this time around. Get better, bro!

SHUT DOWN? How About, SHUT UP?

What happens when the most ill-conceived, poorly written, impossibly complex and unworkable law collides with the most feckless, juvenile, and dimwitted political party ever assembled in the history of Western Civilization? Come Monday night at midnight, we’re about to find out.

The Affordable Care Act, may be the most ironically named piece of legislation ever. It’s like writing a bill granting all committees in Washington the right to hold their meetings in secret and naming it the Openness and Accountability Act. This bill is so bad, even labor unions have finally discovered a Democratic Party initiative they don’t like. And yet, watching the Republican Party’s attempts to beat the thing back has been like watching reruns of Happy Days…it’s just not funny anymore.

So, looks like the government will shut down. And, can I just say, that I can’t think of any government ever assembled which deserves to be shut down more than this one. Nevertheless, this shut down will be universally declared to be the fault of the Republican Party by our fair and balanced national news media, and like a broken clock which is right only twice a day, they will finally be correct about something. The stock market might get beat up for a day or two. Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi will predict immediate death and pestilence, the President, a man who has been responsible for adding close to 5 trillion dollars to our national debt, will suddenly become consumed with concern over our credit rating, and John Boehner will finally cobble together some pathetic retreat. Then the government will reopen so we can get back to the real business of America…racking up debt.

But, all is not lost. Yesterday I was able to watch a great college football game between LSU and Georgia. Classic SEC football. Except for the odd strategy employed by LSU who decided to suddenly play “prevent defense” on the winning Georgia drive, this was nearly a flawlessly played game by both teams. It was almost as much fun to watch as the best game of the year so far, Alabama vs. Texas A&M from a couple of weeks back. In that one, the best player in college football took on the best team and the best team won…barely.

Government vs. SEC football

Bumbling Amateurs vs. Excellence