Better Call Guido

My brother works for the U.S. Postal Service in Maryland. He has a walking route. In December he will turn 65. Delivering mail on foot for over 15 years takes its toll on a person’s feet, so recently Donnie has become what is known in sports journalism as oft injured, which is how Miles Austin is almost universally described, as in, Miles Austin, the talented but oft injured wide receiver for the Cowboys.

Lately, it’s been his left foot. He’s missed some time trying to determine the cause of the sharp pains that stab through it every time he takes a step. While the pains in his foot have been difficult, they pale in comparison to the pain of navigating the mind numbing, sand pounding stupidity of filing a Workman’s Compensation claim. So far, four weeks of filling out paperwork has netted my brother absolutely nothing except a corresponding new pain in his #$%@!!

So, the other night we had a phone conversation that went something like this:

Me: So, how’s the foot?

Donnie: It was getting a bit better until yesterday when my good foot started to hurt.

Me: Oh, great!

Donnie: Yeah, but the worst part is, in order to qualify for the right kind of treatment, I’m going to need a new Workman’s Comp. claim number, and you remember what I went through trying to get the first one.

Me: Did you ever get a claim number the first time?

Donnie: Well, not exactly, but I’m told that it will be any day now.

Me: Whoa, wait just a minute! This is ridiculous. Hey, aren’t you a member of a union?

Donnie: Well, yeah. They take $500 out of my check every month, so I suppose I am.

Me: Well, that’s your answer then. File a grievance with your union.

Donnie: No! I hate unions. I am philosophically opposed to them, and resent being forced to join. I could have retired by now if I could have invested all my union dues they’ve confiscated from me.

Me: Listen to me Donnie. I’m no union fan either, but the fact is, you’re a dues paying member and now is your chance to collect. What’s the biggest benefit of union membership?

Donnie: ummm….the really cool coffee mugs?

Me: No! Access to muscle, it’s time for you to call in some union thugs. I’ll guarantee you that there’s somebody down at the union hall who handles this sort of thing.

Donnie: Oh, you mean Guido?

Me: Of course I mean Guido!

Donnie: I don’t know Doug, I’ve heard stories about Guido.

Me: Yes, and I bet they go something like this…some guy knows a guy, who knows another guy down at the union hall who specializes in workman’s comp. It’s funny, but he doesn’t look like a lawyer. I mean, most lawyers aren’t 6’5”, 270, wear warm-up suits and have a toothpick hanging out of their mouth, but every time old Guido shows up with his Louisville Slugger, negotiations go surprisingly well.

Donnie: Yeah, that’s him.

I fully expect a much smoother claims process for Donnie this time around. Get better, bro!

SHUT DOWN? How About, SHUT UP?

What happens when the most ill-conceived, poorly written, impossibly complex and unworkable law collides with the most feckless, juvenile, and dimwitted political party ever assembled in the history of Western Civilization? Come Monday night at midnight, we’re about to find out.

The Affordable Care Act, may be the most ironically named piece of legislation ever. It’s like writing a bill granting all committees in Washington the right to hold their meetings in secret and naming it the Openness and Accountability Act. This bill is so bad, even labor unions have finally discovered a Democratic Party initiative they don’t like. And yet, watching the Republican Party’s attempts to beat the thing back has been like watching reruns of Happy Days…it’s just not funny anymore.

So, looks like the government will shut down. And, can I just say, that I can’t think of any government ever assembled which deserves to be shut down more than this one. Nevertheless, this shut down will be universally declared to be the fault of the Republican Party by our fair and balanced national news media, and like a broken clock which is right only twice a day, they will finally be correct about something. The stock market might get beat up for a day or two. Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi will predict immediate death and pestilence, the President, a man who has been responsible for adding close to 5 trillion dollars to our national debt, will suddenly become consumed with concern over our credit rating, and John Boehner will finally cobble together some pathetic retreat. Then the government will reopen so we can get back to the real business of America…racking up debt.

But, all is not lost. Yesterday I was able to watch a great college football game between LSU and Georgia. Classic SEC football. Except for the odd strategy employed by LSU who decided to suddenly play “prevent defense” on the winning Georgia drive, this was nearly a flawlessly played game by both teams. It was almost as much fun to watch as the best game of the year so far, Alabama vs. Texas A&M from a couple of weeks back. In that one, the best player in college football took on the best team and the best team won…barely.

Government vs. SEC football

Bumbling Amateurs vs. Excellence 

Thanking God For Seasons

Fall is here and that means that every weekend I am overcome with a desire to be outside doing something old fashioned. As soon as I see the first leaf turn color, at the first chill from a cool breeze, something in me screams out, “Go pick apples” or “Go plant some mums” or even, “go for a drive to the country and buy something old.” It’s the strangest thing.

So, today, on this sparkling morning, Pam and I will go out for breakfast, then head over to Strange’s. By the time we’re through, our mailbox, front steps and back deck will be festooned with seasonal finery, and we will both feel great. Maybe we’ll drink hot apple cider out on the deck tonight. Maybe we’ll have a fire in the fire pit.

Fall is the best of times. The changing colors and cool nights are like a tonic after three months of heat and humidity. This time of year I get to chose between my two favorite sports, baseball and college football. As much as I envy the likes of Key West and San Diego their gloriously predictable weather, when Fall arrives, I thank God that I live in a place with four seasons. It’s as if he knew that we humans get bored so easily, so he cleverly designed four scene changes for our lives on earth. “Don’t worry,” he whispers in our ear. “Change is just around the corner.”

Fascinated By The Germans

As a student of history, I have always been fascinated by the Germans. In the last 100 years of their existence, they have managed to fight and lose two World Wars, and within 25 years of those spectacular defeats, crawled back to the top of the heap in Europe. Even today, they seem to be the only fully viable economic power on that troubled continent. The German people have given the world the greatest music in history, the most meticulously crafted automobiles, the most brilliant scientists and the most delicious beer ever brewed in the universe. As someone who believes in American Exceptionalism, I think that the Germans can give us a run for our money in that department. If not for the insanity of National Socialism and Adolph Hitler, perhaps the Germans would rule the world even now.

So, imagine my surprise when I ran across the results of polling data about the biggest differences between Americans and Germans. When the citizens of the two nations were asked this question: What do you think is more important, the ability to pursue life’s goals without state interference, or having state guarantees that nobody is in need? 58% of Americans chose freedom, while 62% of Germans picked guarantees. When presented with this statement, success in life is determined by forces outside of our control, 72% of Germans agreed, only 36% of Americans.

It doesn’t surprise me that most of my countrymen still believe in the concept of free will, the notion that every man has it within his power to fashion his own future. But it does surprise me that a people as accomplished as the Germans don’t. Maybe it shouldn’t surprise me that they have given up on the liberating power of individual freedom as a far greater guarantor of abundance than the modern welfare state, they being far further down that road than we. And frankly, the fact that only 58% of us believe it is disturbing. Take that poll 50 years ago and the number would have been closer to 90%. Still, the results surprised me. Germany, a nation that has lost its freedom to government pathology from both the right and left, still chooses to place its confidence in government as provider of life and liberty. How can a people subjugated by both the Nazis and the Communists still have such faith in government?

Add this to the thousand things in life that I will never understand.

Vegan Strip Club

Cory Booker is the current mayor of Newark, New Jersey. In politics, I suppose that this would be considered the ultimate entry level position. Everything and anything that comes after Newark would be a huge upgrade. So, Mr. Booker is attempting to escape perhaps the most reviled, dysfunctional city in America by running for the United States Senate, and if I were him I would do the exact same thing.

Mr. Booker is also somewhat of a star in Democratic circles. He is handsome, smart, witty, and makes a good speech. He is also black, a bonus. This week he’s been out in Hollywood making the fundraising rounds, schmoozing the beautiful people. The usual suspects have been on his arm, the Barbara Streisands, Sean Penns of the world, making sure he’s for abortion on demand, and the legalization of marijuana.  He has not disappointed, and has returned to Newark with 4 million in his campaign war chest, raised from people constantly railing against the evil influence of money in politics.

Upon his return, we discover in a story from the UK Telegram, that Cory is apparently quite fond of a Portland, Oregon stripper named Lynsie Lee, whose Twitter bio reads, “wits and tits #stripper #model #model #weirdo. The story reveals several flirtatious tweets between the two.

First of all, what it is with British newspapers always getting the story first? But that’s a story for another day. Since Mr. Booker is single, and has had to answer questions about gay rumors recently, this revelation will probably help him. While I might question his taste in women; Ms. Lee is the personification of the word skank, he is free to tweet with anyone he pleases. What caught my eye in the Telegram story was not that a young up and comer like Booker would be involved with a tattoo covered stripper, it was something else entirely. Further along in the story we discover that Ms. Lee worked at something called a “vegan strip club.”

Try as I might at 6:00 in the morning, I just can’t get my mind around the meaning of such a thing. A vegan strip club?  My first image is of a juicy, plump ear of yellow corn freshly shucked, laid bare on the bar in front of a dozen salivating farmers. No, it can’t be that, in Nebraska maybe, but Portland Oregon? It must be something else. Then I imagine a room full of metrosexuals ogling Ms. Lee as she does her pole dance, while delicately dipping their broccoli heads into little bowls of soy sauce. Instead of a Confederate flag draped on the wall behind the bartender, there’s a portrait of Che Guevara, flanked on one side by a Rainbow Coalition flag and on the other by the baby blue banner of the United Nations.

A vegan strip club. Can a left-handed coffee shop be far behind? How about a diabetic bakery? A transgendered car wash?

I could go on like this for hours…

Scare Tactics

As the runaway freight train that is Obamacare careens down the tracks toward its October 1^st rendezvous with destiny, President Obama has finally found a political tactic that he finds reprehensible. He is accusing Republicans of trying to “scare people out of a good deal.”

Imagine that, politicians using scare tactics. Oh, the humanity! I’m not sure what political planet our President has been living on his entire life, but I have a news flash for him, scare tactics are the mother’s milk of politics and both parties would be utterly lost without them. Here’s a question for you, name one political issue over the past 50 years that has not been either passed or defeated without both political parties trying to scare the bejesus out of us? Below are just a few examples:

 

Welfare Reform 1994:  Democrats warned us of tent cities full of homeless people in every city and starving children roaming the streets, our urban centers plunged into Dickensian chaos.

Saddam Hussein’s weapons of mass destruction: President Bush, Sec. of State Powell and a cast of thousands assured us that if we didn’t invade Iraq, Saddam would soon be able to attack our cities with WMD’s.

Medicare Reform attempts 2010: Paul Ryan proposed a plan to reform the most actuarially doomed social welfare program in history and for his efforts became the star of Democrat commercials featuring him literally driving Grandma’s wheelchair off a cliff.

Sequestration battle of 2013: In the weeks leading up to sequestration back in March of this year, we were assured by Democrats that a reduction in Federal spending of 1.2% would unleash calamity on a Biblical scale. Planes would fall from the sky for want of air-traffic controllers, tainted meat would be eaten by Americans for lack of food inspectors, and aircraft carriers would float powerless, in the blue waters of the Mediterranean.

 

So, now that his signature legislative achievement is under attack by the opposition party, President Obama suddenly discovers the horrors of fear and manipulation in politics. Well, better late than never, I suppose.

  

Help Me Out Here

President Obama continues to enlighten me about economics. The other day he gave a speech to the Business Roundtable in which he offered this gem:

Raising the debt ceiling, which has been done over a hundred times, does not increase our debt; it does not somehow promote profligacy.

As puzzled expressions began popping up in his audience of successful businessmen who know a thing or two about profligacy, he clarified thusly:

The average person thinks raising the debt ceiling must mean that we’re running up our debt.

Count me among the average. Let’s see, the only thing in either of these quotes that happens to be true is the statement that the debt ceiling has in fact been raised by Congress “hundreds of times.” Unfortunately for the President, each of those hundred times has resulted in an increase of our debt. For those of you keeping score at home, that’s what is known as a 100% correlation. Matter of fact, it would seem that from an historical perspective, if one wants to increase our national debt, the quickest, surest way to do so would be first to raise the debt ceiling! What could the President possibly be thinking? Since I refuse to accuse my President of an intentional, deliberate lie, I chose to believe that he is simply delusional. For example:

Let’s say that you were issued a credit card from Capital One with a $5000 credit limit. Then you promptly went out and racked up $5000 in purchases. Although you would be within your rights to do so, the credit card would now be unusable. What to do? Well, you could begin to pay down the card over time, and each time you did, it would restore a portion of your credit. But there would be another option. You could petition Capital One for an increase to your credit line. If they granted your request by doubling your credit line to $10,000, I suppose that technically that would not be increasing your debt, just your credit. One assumes that this is the President’s line of flimsy reasoning. But we all know what happens next. Since you now have access to $5000 more dollars worth of credit, you will find a way to blow through it as sure as night follows day. When the President looks back at our fiscal history, he sees the same fact, that every single time our national debt ceiling has been raised it has also been breached, every single time.

Yes, we average people who suspect that when our debt ceiling gets raised that will mean more debt, suspect as much for an excellent reason, Mr. President. But what do we know? We live in the real world where if we don’t make our car payments, someone comes and tows it away. The elites in Washington just raise the debt ceiling.

Help me out here, am I missing something?