Suffolk, Va.
Wednesday, May 8
Associated Press:
Two 2nd grade boys from Driver Elementary
school were suspended today for making shooting noises while pointing pencils
at each other. The boys, aged 7, had no previous history of violence, and both
ceased the forbidden activity when asked to do so by their teacher. Suffolk
Public School spokesperson, Bethane Bradshaw said that a number 2 pencil is in
fact considered a weapon when it is pointed at someone in a threatening way and
gun noises are made. When questioned about the incident, one of the boys said
that he was pretending to be a Marine and his friend was pretending to be a bad
guy.
In a related note, three other male students at Driver
Elementary were given suspensions last week for various infractions of the
school’s tough “zero-tolerance” behavior policy. A third grade boy was sent
home for making flatulent noises with his underarm, a fourth grade boy for
claiming that girls have “cooties”, and a fifth grader for excessive doodling
during math class. Ms. Bradshaw offered the following explanation:
“Making fake flatulent noises is potentially hurtful
and embarrassing to children who inadvertently let one slip during class. At
Driver, we are an accepting community, and want all of our children to feel
nurtured and valued, regardless of the level of anal control they may have. As
far as the “cooties” incident is concerned, we don’t think that infectious
diseases, be they real or imagined, are anything to joke about.”
Ms. Bradshaw could not be reached for comment about
the doodling episode, but sources have revealed that this was not the first
infraction of its type in this particular math class, that in fact something
close to an epidemic of such doodling has been going on in math classes
throughout the Suffolk Public School system for years. It is unknown what
connection, if any, might exist between long division and doodling rates.
For the record, the first paragraph of this blog was
taken verbatim from my morning news feed. The rest of it was taken from my
exasperated imagination which has come to the conclusion that public schools in
this country have LOST THEIR FREAKING
MINDS.