Zero Tolerance

Suffolk, Va.

Wednesday, May 8

Associated Press:

Two 2^nd grade boys from Driver Elementary school were suspended today for making shooting noises while pointing pencils at each other. The boys, aged 7, had no previous history of violence, and both ceased the forbidden activity when asked to do so by their teacher. Suffolk Public School spokesperson, Bethane Bradshaw said that a number 2 pencil is in fact considered a weapon when it is pointed at someone in a threatening way and gun noises are made. When questioned about the incident, one of the boys said that he was pretending to be a Marine and his friend was pretending to be a bad guy.

In a related note, three other male students at Driver Elementary were given suspensions last week for various infractions of the school’s tough “zero-tolerance” behavior policy. A third grade boy was sent home for making flatulent noises with his underarm, a fourth grade boy for claiming that girls have “cooties”, and a fifth grader for excessive doodling during math class. Ms. Bradshaw offered the following explanation:

“Making fake flatulent noises is potentially hurtful and embarrassing to children who inadvertently let one slip during class. At Driver, we are an accepting community, and want all of our children to feel nurtured and valued, regardless of the level of anal control they may have. As far as the “cooties” incident is concerned, we don’t think that infectious diseases, be they real or imagined, are anything to joke about.”

Ms. Bradshaw could not be reached for comment about the doodling episode, but sources have revealed that this was not the first infraction of its type in this particular math class, that in fact something close to an epidemic of such doodling has been going on in math classes throughout the Suffolk Public School system for years. It is unknown what connection, if any, might exist between long division and doodling rates.

 

For the record, the first paragraph of this blog was taken verbatim from my morning news feed. The rest of it was taken from my exasperated imagination which has come to the conclusion that public schools in this country have LOST THEIR FREAKING MINDS.  

My Amazing Niece

                                                                               

I come home from the gym yesterday afternoon to find a large box on my front steps. The label says that it is from the Bow Wow Gift Basket Company from Indianapolis, Indiana. I bring it inside and set it on the kitchen table. Molly seems to instinctively know that it is for her. Much to her dismay, I go upstairs to change out of my sweaty clothes first. When I come downstairs 10 minutes later, she is sitting in the same place she was before, patiently waiting.

Inside, there is a treasure trove of all-natural, doggy treats with bizarre names and descriptions so succulent it made me want to eat them. There were beefy cheese dogs, barkin’ blueberry bites and itty-bitty busters, all baked fresh by the good people over at the Nutty Mutt Bakery. Molly was delighted.

I tore through the box looking for a card. Who on earth could have sent such an amazing gift to my very sick dog? Then I found the note. In truth, I wasn’t surprised at all. I know very few people who would have taken the time surfing the web to find an outfit called the Bow Wow Gift Basket Company, so she could spend probably a ridiculous amount of money brightening someone else’s day. It had to be my tender hearted niece from San Diego, Lauren. A month ago, for my birthday, she was the one who sent me a box crammed full of electronic, computerized practical jokes. Thus began a week long reign of terror at my office, courtesy of the coolest, most remarkable girl I know.

There are many people I know with soft hearts, people who are easily moved, quick to feel compassion. But there are few who so eagerly attach wings to their sentiments. Many feel compassion, few demonstrate compassion. This bias towards action is what transforms mere sentimentality into grand gesture. Lauren has that rare gift, the desire to put feet to her thoughts, and that gift made for Molly and her owners a very special day.

Thanks, sweetheart.

                                                                           
                                                                             

 

Obama Is Right!

Whenever I find myself in agreement with the Obama administration about something, I usually chalk it up to that old saying about a broken clock being right twice a day. Such is the case with this administration’s approach to the increasingly dangerous situation in Syria.

Over the weekend Israel began a series of targeted airstrikes to take out newly arrived missile shipments from Iran. Before that, last week, came word that evidence has been found of chemical attacks by the Assad regime on the Syrian people. Previously, Obama had said that the use of such weapons would be crossing a “red line” that would bring some unspecified American response. Once the evidence was found, talk of red lines ceased and diplomatic double talk and ass-covering began in earnest. Good. An un-named Obama aide was quoted in the papers over the weekend asking the rhetorical question, “So, if Assad is stupid enough to use chemical weapons on his own people, how is that an American problem?” Excellent question.

An even better question would be, “As bad as gassing your own citizens is, there are far worse atrocities happening every day in Africa, but there is no talk of “red lines” being crossed. Why not?”  Come on Dunnevant, some of you will say, the Middle East is different! Yes, it is, it’s worse. If we were to intervene in some African country where some drugged out leader is committing genocide, we might actually save some innocent people. Intervening in the Middle East gets us…what exactly? What innocent people will we be rescuing in Syria? The rebels fighting Assad are as degenerate a group of thugs as has ever walked the earth! If history has taught us anything about the Middle East it’s this; the hatred and violence is unsolvable this side of eternity. Theirs is a family feud that has been raging since Eden. The United States of America has no compelling national interest in that cesspool, and even if we did, we are broke. If there isn’t enough money to keep air traffic controllers on the job, how can we afford fighting a war in freaking Syria? Besides, from the looks of things over the weekend, the Israeli air force seems more than equal to the task.

So, bravo to the Obama Administration for a healthy dose of skepticism, and an unwillingness to be dragged in to another endless Middle Eastern quagmire.

14 Days and Counting

I’m in a holding pattern. The official countdown is 14 days. That’s when I will get to see both of my children again, under the same roof, at the same time, granted, that “roof’ will be a Holiday Inn Express near Winston-Salem, NC, but beggars can’t be choosers! Kaitlin will be receiving her Masters Degree in English Literature from Wake Forest University, and we are flying Patrick down for the event.

We have reached the season in life where we can count on one hand the number of times we are all together as a family, which is natural I suppose since for 20 years we could count on one hand the number of times that we weren’t all together! We see Kaitlin much more than Patrick, and now that she has a job teaching English in Henrico County starting in August that discrepancy will grow even larger. Even though this bothers me…a lot, it falls into the ever expanding category of things about which I can do nothing. I can’t imagine many scenarios which will bring Patrick back to Richmond upon completion of his Masters studies at Westminster, so I will have to get used to these infrequent family reunions. Actually I consider myself fortunate that I will have Kaitlin so close. Many parents can't even say that.

I look at the calendar and see Thanksgiving, Christmas, perhaps Easter, and summer vacation as the four opportunities for family togetherness in the years ahead. Of course there will be many other trips to see one or the other of them, especially once they marry and especially once grandchildren arrive. But for now, it’s those four. This is not a bad thing, something to lament and complain about. It means that my children are getting on with life, becoming functioning adults, fully participatory citizens. It also means they haven’t become unemployed, aimless wastrels living rent free in their old bedrooms, good thing since Patrick’s old bedroom is now a movie room. Sorry Bud.

What this all means is that we will have to make the most of our opportunities. Two weeks from today will be a fabulous day. We will celebrate Kaitlin’s accomplishments; we will go to see the Great Gatsby, we will eat an expensive dinner somewhere, then sit around drinking coffee and having fun.

Can’t wait!  

More War Stories From Dad

Last night we took dinner over to Dad. After the dishes had been put away, we sat down in the den with him to visit for awhile. Out of nowhere he started talking about his time in the Navy during WWII. For the first time, he told the story of how he came home. It was fascinating stuff and illustrates just how small our world has become.

Dad had been sent with four others from the New Hebrides Islands to another base a thousand miles away for purposes that were unclear. When the job was done, he and his mates hitched a ride on a merchant marine tanker for the thousand mile trip back to the New Hebrides Island base that was his home. The voyage took 5 days, and by the time he finally made it back, he was informed that he had missed the troop ship that was supposed to take him back to the states, and another one wouldn’t be available for three weeks! The duty officer gave him a jeep to drive and told him that he would be duty free until his ship arrived. Two and a half years since leaving home, 8,000 miles from family, 110 degrees in the shade, and nothing to do for three weeks!

Finally, his ship arrived and he made the voyage from the South Pacific to San Francisco. Once there, he boarded a troop train that meandered across the country to Little Creek, Virginia near Newport News. There he was debriefed, and checked for diseases, then discharged. He boarded a bus that delivered him to Farmville, then a taxi that drove him the last 17 miles to the home he hadn’t seen in 2 and a half years. The first person to see him was my Grandmother, who burst into tears at the sight of her boy and said, “God has brought you back to me!” Then my Aunt Emma, who had become a beautiful 13 year old teenager while Dad was away, ran up to hug him. Quite a scene.

I cannot imagine as a parent, sending my child off half way around the world into harm’s way for 2 and a half years, knowing that I would never see them or hear their voice the entire time they were away. When Kaitlin spent 12 weeks in China a couple of years ago, we would have skype dates where we could look at her and catch up as if she was in the room. Despite those virtual visits, it was nerve-wracking to be so far from my only daughter. I can’t imagine how much worse the sense of isolation and helplessness would be if she had been at war and I had no communication with her. The technological advancements we take for granted have indeed made our world a much smaller, less foreboding place. My Grandmother wouldn’t recognize this world. It makes me wonder what’s in store for my unborn grandchildren.

My New Machine

Any motivational speaker worth his salt will tell you that your attitude determines your altitude, or something like that. In other words, how you choose to think about something goes a long way towards determining how you feel about it. Is the glass half empty or half full? Is that a light at the end of the tunnel or a train? Does that envelope you just got in the mail from the IRS contain a refund check or an audit notification?

I am the new owner of a Phillips Respironics Remstar Pro C-Flex+ with a System One Heated Humidifier and the Resmed full face mask, deluxe model 2. I have been avoiding this purchase for over 15 years but was recently lured back into the CPAP world with promises of newer, sleeker designs which were much less “intrusive” than older models. One advertisement I read, while waiting to be fitted for the above device, claimed that its product was so comfortable; I might forget that I was even wearing it! Unfortunately for me, that particular model didn’t work for my particular “face shape”, which was a very polite term my technician used when she meant to say, “ginormous nose”. So, I am stuck with a full face mask that I feel certain I will never forget that I’m wearing.

The physics behind this contraption is rather straight forward. To prevent you from snoring and gasping for breath all night, the machine forces air at varying degrees of pressure through your mouth and nose. The pressurized air forces your nose and lungs to stay sufficiently open all night which allows you to sleep peacefully and quietly through the night. Think of that Golden Retriever with his head out the window of a car driving down the interstate, jowls flapping in the 70 mph breeze and you’ve got the picture. Or at least that’s how they drew it up back at the lab. The problem is…getting comfortable with the mask. If the fit is too loose, air rushes out all around the fit, making a noise something like a level 5 hurricane and waking you and everyone within a two mile radius up 7-10 times a night. But, if the fit is too tight you wake up with deep red lines imprinted in your face, making you look like the psycho villain in all those slasher movies. This is where this attitude business comes in.

When I put the mask on and look in the mirror, I have to decide who it is that I see. I am either a dying asthmatic, Hannibal Lecter when the cops first arrested him and slapped that thing on his face to prevent him from eating his guards, or a brave and heroic B-17 pilot braving a sky full of flak, flying day time bombing missions over Berlin in WWII, or even a Top Gun pilot flying an F-14 Tomcat somewhere in harm’s way. It’s all about attitude.

Last night, I fell asleep with scenes from “Memphis Belle” playing in my head, and slept straight through the night. This morning I feel well rested and energetic. As a bonus, that ammunition factory on the outskirts of Berlin is a smoking pile of twisted metal baby!!

Global Warming, Jason Collins, and the Joys of Anonymity

A group of a dozen very angry looking Congress-persons yesterday opened up a new front in the war against Global Warming. We must address this crisis with renewed vigor, they informed us, because it is forcing women and girls the world over into…prostitution. A list of iron-clad evidence was presented from droughts in Africa to Hurricanes in New Orleans that wreak particularly grievous devastation among women. One spittle-projecting speaker informed us that Hurricane Katrina displaced some 83% of single, low-income mothers. Aside from the fact that I would think that the modifier, “low income” unnecessary when describing single mothers, I would have liked to know what percentage of single, low income fathers were likewise displaced. This entire news conference brought to mind that old joke about the New York Times headline, “World Ends Tomorrow. Women and Minorities Hardest Hit”.

Then there was the announcement yesterday that Jason Collins, an NBA player had announced in the pages of Sports Illustrated that he is gay. That’s Sports Illustrated, the magazine about…sports, not Cosmopolitan, or Vanity Fair, magazines about …sex, or the New York Times, Washington Post, or the Village Voice, newspapers about… identity politics. This was awesome news for the score keepers of inclusion, diversity, and multi-culturalism, since Mr. Collins is both gay and black. If only he were also Muslim, the press would be clearing space on Rushmore by now to judge from the exalted coverage this announcement received. One could not escape the universal celebration of courage, from morning television to the President’s news conference. I feel confident that, although Collins played in only 6 games this season and scored only 1.2 points a game despite being over 7 feet tall, he will find himself a roster spot on a team in the NBA next year, along with a book deal and a realty show. Although I am not much of a gambling man, I would be willing to place a rather substantial wager on the fact that next January, Jason Collins will be sitting next to Michelle Obama in the gallery at the State of the Union address.

Yesterday was the sort of news day that reminds me that I am part of the great anonymous hoard of Americans about whom no one ever agitates. When was the last time you heard anyone take up the cause of the troubled German-American Redheaded Bricklayers of Wisconsin, or Americans of Confused Ethnic Lineage? On the other hand, guys like me never get scape-goated or profiled either. Nobody ever responds to a terrorist attack by saying, “Damn those Scotch-Irish Bastards!!!” Come to think of it, I like being anonymous.