The Difference Between Men and Women. # 116

It’s time for me to buy some clothes. For 95% of women reading this blog, that sentence probably sounds like a cause for wild celebration, for me, not so much. I like the clothes I have. I’ve become accustomed to them, I like the way they feel and fit, and I especially like the fact that I’ve already paid for them. But every couple of years, it begins to dawn on me that maybe that shirt I love so much with the frayed cuffs is starting to look a little ratty. Maybe those dress socks with the small holes on the heel need to be replaced. Maybe it’s time to make rags out of that really comfortable turtleneck that Pam despises.

So, I’ll head out to Men’s Warehouse or Khols or someplace like that and wander around the store for awhile feeling vain. Then I’ll see a couple of nice casual shirts, flip over the price tag and see $78.99 and remember how much I hate shopping for clothes. The tag will say, “Made in China, Thailand, Mexico, India”, anywhere but here. Then the nagging question will enter my mind, I wonder what 12 year old girl working 12 hours a day for 5 bucks a week sewed this baby together? But I will not be overcome with guilt or indecision because I am on a mission, a fashion renewal mission, and I will not be deterred.

When my wife goes clothes shopping, more often than not it ends in bouts of tears and self-loathing. She can’t find the right color. When she does, she can’t find a size that fits her. When she finally finds the right color and size, some piece of the thing won’t “lay right” and looks stupid. Twelve hours, eleven stores and four miles of walking later she comes home with one cami and an empty giant sized milk shake cup from Chick-fil-a. But what Pam hates even more than one of her clothes-shopping ordeals, is the results of one of mine.

Once I overcome the guilt of reaping the benefits of cheap Asian child labor, I get down to business. I find me the gayest looking sales guy at Men’s Warehouse and we become best buds. Before I know it he’s laid out a week’s worth of clothes on a display table. He explains how each of the shirts is perfect for my “skin tone”. He picks out perfect ties to match the dress shirts that he assures me are the very latest thing for the conservative businessman. I try everything on and everything fits because “Gustav” has measured my every body part with his handy tape measure. This procedure takes a bit too long and he seems to be having way too much fun, but he’s the pro, and it must be done. I look in the three way mirror, hoping nobody I know walks in and I must admit that Gustav is right. I really do look “fabulous”. Before I realize what’s happening, everything is piled up at the cash register. Gustav is thrilled, and I just spent $500. The entire experience takes 45 minutes.

I come home, show Pam all of the new threads and she says that I look great. Then she looks me straight in the eye and says, “I hate you.”    

Best Fully-Clothed Love Scene EVER

http://www.youtube.com/embed/pYlPKnNnhaw" (Watch AFTER reading the following blog)

Pam and I were watching Skyfall last night on demand, and there was a great scene where Eve Moneypenny was shaving 007. It lead to a conversation about how pervasive nudity has become in films and how so much of it adds nothing and in many cases detracts from a film's value. This particular scene was an excellent example of how unnecessary nudity is to the sensual mood being conveyed.

Then I started thinking about all of the incredibly sensual scenes from movies made in the Forties which had no nudity...EVER. I thought about the electricity between Rick and Ilsa in Casablanca, the simmering sexuality yet amazing sweetness between George and Mary in It's a Wonderful Life when Mary is on the phone to her "boyfriend" in New York with George listening in on that old hand held receiver phone. Not a word is spoken as they listen in just inches apart. The scene goes on for what seems like forever as the two of them come under so romantic a spell that it makes the viewer want to scream out, "KISS HER ALREADY!!".

What got me thinking about this was a movie that Pam and I saw not long ago with Denzel Washington called "Flying". We both love Denzel so we figured with him in it, it was probably pretty good, so I paid the $5.99 and rented it. Terrible. Washington's character was about as horrible a human being as could be imagined and no one else in the picture was much better. But what made it even worse was the amazing amount of totally gratuitous nudity. Now, don't misunderstand me, I love the feminine form as much as the next guy, but I also think that the human body is a sacred, special and intensely private thing that shouldn't be paraded around and gawked at for entertainment purposes. I'm just tired of it, the objectification of woman AND men has reached ridiculous proportions in film. If this makes me an old fuddy-duddy then, so be it.

Lest you think that fully clothed, intensely powerful and sexual scenes are impossible and went out of style in the Forties, I submit for your consideration the link I have provided at the top of this blog post. It comes from a fair but not great movie made in 1996 called "Phenomenon". This scene features Kyra Sedgwick and John Travolta. I consider it one of the most tender, evocative love scenes ever filmed. Both actors remain fully clothed throughout. There is no vile language, or double entendres to gum up the works. It's simply beautiful and uplifting to watch.

More of this, Hollywood. More of this.

Molly Update

It’s been 5 days since we received Molly’s terrible diagnosis from the Vet. This is unchartered territory for us. We were told to keep her comfortable and that we would know when it was “time”, and that her days were numbered in weeks not months. It is a strange thing to live with the immediate expectation of death, but that’s the only way I know to describe it. Every morning I walk down the steps not knowing what I might find. Will she be swollen up, wracked with pain and in misery? When instead she greets me with a goofy smile, tail wagging away, I breathe a sigh of relief… such a strange way to exist.

Pam has devised a sort of “bucket list” for Molly. Leave it to my wife to turn to organization and planning to deal with this. She has come up with a list of Molly’s favorite things to do and is busily checking them off. Yesterday she went to Deep Run Park for a walk. This was the park that was Molly’s great hangout back when she was a rambunctious and out of control puppy. She would run and sniff and flirt with everyone she saw. There would be no running yesterday, but she had a grand time anyway.

So far Molly still has her appetite and her bathroom skills are still fully functioning. She still begs for food at the dinner table, still lays at Pam’s feet in the kitchen when she’s preparing meals hoping for a mistake, and still shadows our every move. In other words, Molly is still Molly. Half the time we wonder whether it’s all just a mistake, a misunderstanding, and Molly has cashed in a misdiagnosis by turning it into an opportunity for even greater attention than she normally gets. It wouldn’t surprise me at all. I can imagine her thinking, “Man-o-man, my folks sure are getting soft in their old age! First, Mom has bought me two chew toys in the last three days, and now I’m getting steak right from the grill?? Wow!”

We obsess over every limp, even the smallest swelling in her legs. But so far, so good.  

Meet The New Terrorists.

As of 6:35 am on Friday April the 19^th, we know that the Boston Marathon bombings are the work of two Chechen brothers. The eldest was killed by Boston police in the wee hours this morning, with the youngest, one Dzhokhar Tsarnaez, 19 still at large. We know little if anything about their motivation. We know nothing about whether this was meant as some political statement, or just the work of two homesick kids longing to recreate life back in their beloved Chechnya. You remember Chechnya, right? That troubled district of the old Soviet Union which fought and won a bloody war with Moscow in the early 90’s for independence, then fought and lost another war ten years later. The Chechens were known for their ruthless tactics and seemingly self-destructive tendencies, willing to take ten blows in order to deliver one. Oh, and the population of Chechnya is 90% Sunni Muslim, so there’s that.

So, other than the fact that his name would make one heck of play in Words With Friends, we know nothing about this boy. But knowing nothing is very different than saying nothing. The one thing that the Boston tragedy has taught me is that modern journalism means never having to say you’re sorry. A news network can now make any claim they wish, and no matter how spectacularly wrong they turn out to be, nobody loses their job. Fog of war and all I suppose. In this they are assisted mightily by the internet, which in the first ten minutes after the first explosion had already posited a thousand theories about the motivation of the bombers since it was obviously the work of redneck Tea Party militia groups pissed off about tax day. Or maybe it was illegal Mexican immigrants who had flooded over our porous southern border, taking a break from becoming registered Democrats, or perhaps just your garden variety Islamic terrorist trying to bring back the glory days of the 5^th century. No matter what the truth turned out to be, the narrative had already been written and published.

But, I never saw the prediction that it would end up being a couple of Chechen brothers, which just goes to show you that life is full of surprises. There will always be an aggrieved group somewhere flying under the radar waiting for their big chance to inflict carnage on free people. So, now we can expect a series of editorials from the New York Times…”The Chechens. Why Do They Hate Us?”  Our policemen will be warned not to engage in Chechen profiling. Incidents of violence against Chechen-Americans will become epidemic. Some Congressman will call for a boycott of all imported Chechen products only to discover that Chechnya exports nothing…but Chechens. Noam Chomsky will publish a pamphlet entitled, “America’s Shameful History of Chechnya-Hatred”.

Meet the new threat. Same as the old threat.

Bad News About Molly

Pam and I got the bad news yesterday that Molly has a rather advanced malignant carcinoma. We were told to keep her comfortable as long as we can, but that at some point very soon, we will have to make the decision to put her down.

I have thought of little else since. For the most part, Molly has been able to keep her condition from us, showing few outward signs of distress. In hindsight it does explain some things. We just thought that her refusal to climb stairs, and her occasional bathroom accidents were just because she was getting old. Now we know just how sick she has been. Despite the cancer, she still eats well, still wags her tail with delight at the slightest morsel of attention she gets from us, still looks at us with those wet brown eyes full of love and loyalty. It’s hard to believe that she is dying.

So, we will watch her carefully, and cherish each day she has left. Thirteen years ago on Christmas Eve, I laid on the floor at Gayton Animal Hospital and held my first Golden Retriever, Murphy, as the vet put him to sleep. He had been with us 14 years. It was one of the saddest moments of my life. Molly will be different. I don’t know that I have ever loved an animal more than I love Molly. Although in 11 years she has never once uttered a word to me, we have communicated in a thousand other ways. She has a powerful intuition about all of us, she senses when we are upset, knows when something isn’t right and instinctively comes to our rescue with a nudge of her cold wet nose, or with a ball in her mouth. It’s the sort of presence that can’t be replaced.

God knows how hard our lives can be on this earth, he knows that there will be periods of depression and hopelessness for all of us. So, he allows us the privilege of a dog. When we experience their unconditional love and devotion we are reminded that things will get better. When I look at Molly I sincerely hope to become half as good a man as she thinks I am.

Boston

Like everyone else, I was glued to the television yesterday around 5 in the afternoon. I had gotten home from work when I noticed the voice of Brian Williams of NBC news from the corner of my family room. The screen was filled with chaotic, screaming people running around through thick plumes of white smoke. It took five minutes or so to piece together what had happened, that someone had set off two bombs within yards of the finish line of the Boston marathon, right across the street from the Westin Hotel at Copley Place where I had stayed the last time I was in that city, two years ago. There was an aerial shot of the sidewalk covered in blood; there was footage of bleeding victims being whisked about in wheel chairs. Literally before the blood on the sidewalk had even dried there was a former Congressman from Boston telling us that this tragedy was evidence of why we need a robust and fully funded government saying, “No tax cut could ever help us recover from this.” Nicholas Kristof, a columnist from the New York Times took the opportunity to blame Republicans for not approving President Obama’s nominee for Director of the ATF. More than one MSNBC talking head made the observation that this was April 15, tax day, and also Patriot’s Day, very important days for “militia groups” around the country. You know, just sayin’.

We live in a time where everything is politicized. I have no doubt that if those responsible prove to be from Iran, Republicans will use that fact to push us to embark on yet another Middle Eastern misadventure. If the bombers end up being from some environmentalist, or Occupy Wall Street affiliated group, conservatives will rail against the administration for being “soft on liberal hate groups”. If, on the other hand, the guilty parties end up being from some Tea Party, or anti-government militia group or even worse, a white-supremacist group, the left in this country, along with 90% of the media will eagerly pile on, blaming Rush Limbaugh, Fox News, etc…

I have no idea who was responsible for placing two bombs in two trash cans loaded with ball bearings designed to kill and maim as many innocent people as possible. In fact, I don’t even need to know WHO did it, to know that it was evil and reprehensible.  No political cause can justify it; there exist no extenuating circumstances that can condone it. It is simply the act of a deranged and despicable mind. To attempt as some have to score political points, or to use this nightmare to advance a political agenda, is as predictable as it is infuriating. But for the good of the country, my hope is that the murderer is one of us. My biggest fear is that if it turns out to be some Al Qieda nutjob, we will get drawn in to another whack-a-mole war somewhere in the vast wasteland that is the Middle East. Enough already.

What...ME Worry??

One of the many benefits of keeping a journal is that it serves as a history book. Although, history books written by those who lived through it aren’t the most reliable accounts, since they are inherently biased, they are useful in other ways. For one, it allows you to realize how cyclical are the vicissitudes of life, and how wise and true are the words from Ecclesiastes, “There is nothing new under the sun.”

I was wondering recently how this blog would read ten years from now. Would I laugh to read how upset and worried I was about some news item from 2013 that ended up being nothing at all to worry about? Would I shake my head in astonishment at how much I fretted about inconsequential things? Would I wonder why I never mentioned other things that ended up being much more critical? As an experiment, I dug through my old journals and found entries from 2003, and 1993. Here’s what I found.

In 1993 I had two children less than seven years old, I worked a lot harder, never worried about politics, and seemed much more spiritually minded. My journal entries were mostly about the difficulties of being a parent, the wild and capricious nature of my business, and the daily struggles of being a Christian. I was much more connected to the church then through a Sunday school class and various Bible Study fellowships. The entries were less sarcastic, with less jaded opinion and more charity to my fellow man.

By 2003, my children were teenagers, and my every spare moment seemed to be consumed by the latest happenings in the youth group at Grove. My comments about work and the world seemed more anxious. The daily gyrations of the stock market were a subject of frustrated fascination, and I seemed much less interested in “the church”, and much more interested in “the kids”.

One thing that was consistent in both of these random years was that there were always things to worry about, and probably 90% of the things I feared the most ended up never happening, or if they did, the consequences proved to be much less catastrophic than I had feared. The biggest difference between today and my writings from ten and twenty years ago seems to be the fact that back then, I worried almost exclusively about things that directly affected me or my children. Now I tend to worry about larger, philosophical things, existential things, and political things much more than I ever did before. Maybe that’s because I’m not as worried about how my kids are going to turn out, they seem to have turned out quite well after all, so I have to worry about something else. Maybe things are worse now in the world, or maybe I’m so bombarded with news of how worse the world is that it consumes me more than it did twenty years ago before the internet and cable news.

The lesson I take from this experiment is that no matter where I am in life, there will always be things to worry about and almost none of them will end up coming to pass. Maybe all of us need to lighten up, and enjoy the day in front of us since it’s the only one we’ve got.