My April Fool's Scorecard For 2013

April Fool’s Day is the one day on the calendar each year where my natural personality characteristics are mainstreamed and magically become acceptable. For a world class practical joker it is a one day vacation, something close to what a nine year old child feels on Christmas morning. Last year was the great Year of Jubilee for my officmates since the 1^st of April fell on the Lord’s Day. But this year, I was loaded for bear, courtesy of a care package that arrived from my sainted niece from California. I was actually away from the office on April the first, but everyone knows that there’s a seven day grace period since it’s actually April Fool’s Week if you take the time to study the ancient manuscripts in the original Greek and Hebrew.

In previous years my pranks have consisted of most of the old reliables, Vaseline on door knobs, toothpaste on white toilet seats, rigged showers of orange ping pong balls, cloves of garlic implanted in the mouthpieces of phones, that sort of thing. But life is about change, and with the explosion of technological advances, pranks need to be brought into the 21^st century. So, this year I went high-tech.

Victim #: 1

There’s a guy in my office who is terrible on the computer. Frankly, none of us are very good with them, but this one guy really struggles. So, I slipped this cool device into one of the ports on the side of his laptop that plays amazing tricks on its victim at random times. Suddenly, the all caps feature engages, or random words start typing themselves, and then the mouse stops working all together. He was having a fit trying to get into his banking website, cursing his computer and basically going nuts. It was everything I could do to keep from busting out laughing. The next morning I broke the news to him that he would not be needed a new computer after all. Classic!

Victims #2&3:

I placed a small quarter-sized device with a magnetic back inside the credenza drawer of one of my colleagues’ desks. About every 3-4 minutes this device would whisper in a very creepy male voice, “Hey, can you hear me?” It helped tremendously that this particular colleague was a girl. She began tearing through her desks trying to find the voice but since it only whispered at random times several minutes apart it was hard to find. When she did find it she slammed it down on my desk and said in a very disrespectful tone of voice, “You are so juvenile!!”

Next I placed the same device in her sister’s desk with similar results except that this one couldn’t find it and begged me to remove it since it was freaking her out. Honestly, I couldn’t remember where I had stashed the thing, but I eventually found it. Next I replaced the creepy voice thing with one that emits small computerized-sounding, high pitched beeps at random and variously timed intervals. (why don’t these people lock their doors??). All in all, it was a great day.

Maybe it wasn’t up to my previous standards, like the year I hung everything that had been sitting on a desk or credenza in someone’s office from the ceiling on long ropes made out of duct tape. This lucky person was chosen for this honor since it was her first year in the business, and her first year around me on April Fool’s Day. Come to think of it, she was the one who accused me of being juvenile. The great thing about that particular gag was the fact that when she opened the door to her office she had her cousin with her and was giving him a tour of her office! The look on her face when the door flew open was priceless. Juvenile indeed!!

So, the year 2013 has brought April Fool’s Day antics into the digital age. The mind boggles at the possibilities for the future!

A Christian Optimist?

I recently was reading a review of David Stockman’s book, The Great Deformation. The reviewer made a statement that jumped off the page and smacked me in the mouth. It was this, “Once you stop believing in the future, you probably should stop talking about politics.”

Pick up any newspaper in the country, any day of the week, and spend 15 minutes skimming its contents and it is extraordinarily easy to fall into despair, no matter which side of the political spectrum you come from. The intractability of our problems seems permanent, governments at all levels a comedy of errors. The rate at which we are murdering each other in our cities is staggering. The mountains of debt we incur every day with no end in sight make it difficult to view the glass as half full.

But the story of civilization does have an arc, a narrative of progress that is undeniable. Every generation tends to view the past as the “good old days”, each generation’s elders hold the young in contempt. However, mankind has advanced in almost every measurable way over the past 4000 years. Who among us would prefer to live in the Middle Ages where a bout of diarrhea would result in death? Who would prefer the life of a working class tradesman in the London of Charles Dickens?  Abundant and clean drinking water, indoor plumbing and the warmth and cooling brought by electricity have only been around universally for roughly 2% of recorded history. Aren’t you glad and eternally grateful that you live in such a time? Shouldn’t we be grateful that we live in an age where dysentery isn’t the number one cause of death, where the average man and the average woman lived to the ripe old age of 35?

Most of the things I complain about in life, things like taxes, incompetent government, declining morality and the designated hitter are all things that must be judged in the context of history. Until 250 years ago “taxes” were called “tribute” and were extracted from you at the point of a spear or sword by marauding bands of Huns. Talk about incompetent government; try Communist China on for size during the Cultural Revolution or the Soviet Union in the 1930’s under Stalin? At least we get a watered down chance to vote our incompetents out every so often. As far as declining morality goes, it’s hard to find a people more morally bankrupt that Nero’s Romans, or the conquering armies of Alexander the Great.

As a Christian, I have a worldview that views history and its many twists and turns as a product of the Fall. This view presupposes that man is born sinful, not pure. We as a people are naturally rebellious, in need of redemption, heirs of our sinful and rebellious forefathers. Any progress that we make away from barbarism then is a result of the work of regeneration brought on by faith. A good argument can be made that the fruits of our faith have paid handsome dividends on this planet since many of the most successful engines of human improvement have their origins in Christianity, such as education, hospitals, benevolent and philanthropic organizations. It is also unfortunately true that Christian faith has also produced its share of darkness and death throughout history. The Crusades and the Inquisition were not exactly Christianity’s finest hours.

Still, I'll take this moment in history over 98% of what has preceeded it...and you should too. Chin up.

But just because I view the world from a Christian perspective does not mean I can respond to evil in the world by chalking it up to Satan and sit around waiting for the Second Coming. In other words I can’t withdraw from the mess in frustration and stop believing in the future. For all we know there’s some kid in a garage in Buffalo right now putting the finishing touches on a perpetual motion machine or some new form of energy that will transform the future, and provide the revenues to balance our budgets and pay off our debt with ease. Don’t believe me? The horse and buggy big shots never counted on Henry Ford. The kerosene lamp tycoons never saw Thomas Edison coming. The typewriter kings were sipping margaritas in Tahiti about the time that Bill Gates was horsing around with his personal computer pipe dream.

So, here’s to that rarest of human qualities, here’s to optimism.

Kim il-Jong-sung-un Kim II

After four days away from the world, it’s Friday, cold and rainy, and I’m headed into the office. The world is back. But what an amazing four days it was.

I notice that while I was away, North Korean strongman, Kim Jong-un, son of Kim Jong-il, heir of eternal leader Kim il-sung has ratcheted up the rhetoric. While before he was vowing to only “settle accounts” with us, now he promises to rain down nuclear missiles on that hot-bed of Anti-North Korean activity…Austin, Texas. Great. That’s just what we need, more fuel for the Texas ego! I can hear it now, “We’re so bad-ass even the Koreeuns are scared of us! Hook-em  horns!”

Rhetoric aside, I find it hard to get worked up over threats from a country that just gave a State dinner to Dennis Rodman. How am I supposed to fear a country who releases a video of a “spontaneous demonstration” of a million of its citizens denouncing the United States, when all one million of them were spontaneously walking in perfect straight lines? And, all those Kim’s? How is one to keep up, especially since they all have the same tailor? At least Hitler had better uniforms, and that distinctive mustache.

Of course, with each new bellicose statement that flows from Kim’s mouth comes an equally ridiculous statement from some U.S. Senator’s mouth about how this all proves why we need some new 16 Trillion dollar weapons system, or how crucial it is for us to remain vigilant to threats from near and far. What it actually proves is how sand-poundingly stupid it is for 25,000 American soldiers to still be stationed in South Korea, 55 years after that war ended. South Korea is one of the richest most economically powerful nations on earth, yet they can’t afford to place their own soldiers on their own border? Since we’re still there, we become the targets of the latest Kim’s deranged rants instead of the nice South Korean government. No, the South Koreans are too busy making tons of money selling cars and refrigerators, since they don’t have to waste money defending their own borders. Come to think of it, we’re probably spending more money defending their border than we spend defending our own.

Missing Mom

Yesterday I woke up around 6 am on my birthday. I walked into the kitchen and made some coffee, then sat down at the computer. Pam and I had spent the previous two days here at Myrtle Beach having a marvelous time doing nothing, and I was looking forward to spending another fun day celebrating my birthday.

Then something strange happened. I saw my cell phone on the coffee table across the room. It occurred to me that Mom hadn’t called me yet, or maybe she had called and the phone was on silent and I didn’t hear it. Every year since I graduated from college and moved out, Mom has called me in the wee hours of the morning of my birthday. For a brief moment, I almost got up to check the phone to see if she had left a message. Then it dawned on me that Mom wouldn’t be calling today. This would be my first birthday without my Mom’s wake-up call in 34 years, and the first of many to come.

There will be many moments like this in the future I suppose, times when I realize that she is no longer here. Most days I don’t think about it. Life rolls on and obscures even the greatest of losses. Life doesn’t slow its pace to allow us to grieve in leisure. Bills still must be paid, appointments kept. But there will be days when her loss feels heavy and fresh, like on the mornings when the phone doesn’t ring.

I wonder how often Dad has moments like I had yesterday morning? How often does he expect a call? How often does he expect her to walk through the back door with a bag of groceries from Martin’s?

As Christians, we don’t grieve for the dead. My Mother is in a place of happiness and delight. We grieve for the living, for those left behind trying to fill the gaping hole left by the absence of one so beloved. With the passage of time, the pain of that absence will diminish, or so I’m told.

My Birthday, and New Math

55 years old today. That’s 20075 days, or 481,800 hours. Since I’ve averaged roughly 7 hours of sleep a day, it’s actually only 341,275 hours, which means I’ve only been awake and fully conscious for 14,219 days. So, really, I’m only 39.

Then, you’ve got to consider the number of hours I have had to sit through business meetings. Can that really be considered, “living”? And what about the daydreaming I’ve done during boring sermons, chic-flicks, and women’s tennis? Oh, and what about all the power naps I’ve taken over the years? Although it’s impossible to affix an exact number to all of this, it is clear that upon deeper reflection, I am most likely still in my twenties.

On this special day it should be pointed out that despite what my personal calendar says, I am still younger than several people of note. I am 10 years younger than my older brother, Donnie. I am four years younger than Doug Greenwood, a year younger than Al Thomason. On the other hand, I will no doubt on this day be once again reminded that I am 10 years older than David Johnson, and many, many years older than all the boys I taught Sunday School back in the day.

It’s been a terrific couple of days down here in Myrtle Beach. Pam has been very sweet and considerate, remembering to speak a little louder so I can hear her, making sure I have my bran flakes for breakfast, that sort of thing. Just kidding,  although the other night when I ordered Jambalaya for dinner after 8 o’clock, she did ask if I had remembered to pack Pepcid. I didn’t, ordered it anyway, and slept serenely through the night…so there!

So far, on the “week of my birthday” celebration( a Dunnevant Tradition), I have gotten a Montecristo cigar, and a ride on the SlingShot Coney Tower at the boardwalk at Myrtle Beach. Click here to see the video.  It was about the coolest thing ever.

This morning it’s cloudy out with the forecast calling for partly cloudy skies and 61 degrees. I haven’t decided what I will do today, maybe some golf, maybe a lazy day of shopping, writing and eating. But since I’m with my sweetie it won’t matter what we do. Got a call a few minutes ago from one of my favorite boys from the Grove youth group days wishing me a happy birthday. Very nice.

Spring Getaway 2013

First day of our spring getaway could not possibly have gone better. The weather was nice and sunny and the high temperature reached 72. Pam and I sat on the beach for a couple of hours. When the sun went behind the clouds it would get chilly, but just about the time you were getting uncomfortable, the sun would come back out and it would feel glorious again. Dinner was at T-Bonz over in Barefoot Landing. It was fine, nothing special. Filled up on fried pickles and it took my appetite away by the time the jambalaya was served. My bad.

It was so great watching baseball last night. It’s like all is once again right with the world when it’s opening day in America. All three of my teams won, the Red Sox, Nationals, and Braves. Some will scoff at the very idea that one could have “three” different teams in baseball. I make no apologies for my split allegiances. My oldest connection is with the Braves, the team that I have been with the longest. Their triple A farm team was in Richmond for 30 years so I naturally developed an interest in them. I go back to the teams with Hank Aaron, Dusty Baker, Phil Neikro, and Ralph Garr. Then I married a girl from Maine and got sucked in to the Red Sox orbit by my Father-in-law the year that Bill Buckner booted Mookie Wilson’s grounder in the World Series. Finally, when the Nationals moved from Montreal to DC, they became my “local” team. All of their games are broadcast locally so I’ve been able to see them develop from truly awful to spectacular over the last four or five years. I love their manager, their style of play, and many of their young talented players. Plus, unlike the Braves and the Red Sox, I actually get to go to see some of their games in person. Consequently, my enthusiasm for them has grown rather rapidly.

So, there you have it, I’m a Braves, Red Sox, and Nationals fan, and proud of it. How do I manage to watch a divisional matchup between the Braves and Nationals? It ain’t easy. What would I do if the Braves or Nationals end up in a World Series with the Red Sox? I would have the time of my life, THAT’S what.

So, today it’s 60, sunny, with little or no wind. We will laze around inside for the morning, then sit on the beach for a few hours, then clean up and head out to shop for a while before dinner. What a great idea this was. A huge shout out should go to my buddy Doug Greenwood for buying this adorable condo in the first place. That way, I get to enjoy it and he gets to pay the real estate taxes! It pays to be friends with a 1%er!

First Quarter In The Books...a Review

The first quarter of 2013 is now in the books. I’ve had over 100 appointments, conducted 52 annual reviews, completed 29 separate transactions, and ended the quarter with a barrage of business that made all the numbers look nice. On the home front, we’ve entertained thirty supremely talented singers from Belmont for a weekend, completely overhauled the upstairs of our house, suffered the loss of Matthew Crawley, and banished Molly to the uncarpeted rooms of the downstairs at night to deal with her rare but disgusting bouts of incontinence.

I have enjoyed my wife’s amazing cooking every night as we watch Frazier reruns, DVR episodes of Person of Interest, Nashville, Parenthood, and Pioneer Woman. I have looked on with proud fascination as my daughter writes her Master thesis at Wake Forest; I’ve listened to the incredibly beautiful music that my son has composed at Westminster. I’ve watched two friends endure extreme personal trials with grace and dignity, one which ended poorly, one which ended with deliverance. My Dad spent three weeks in the hospital and recovered stronger than before. It gave me the chance to spend twenty nights with him and listen to more great stories and if possible have my opinion of him become even more worshipful.

A Super Bowl was played and I can hardly remember who won. Our political leaders have spent most of their time warning us of coming disasters that never seem to come. President Obama seems always to be either leaving for a vacation, on vacation, or returning from vacation, which I’m totally fine with. Matter of fact, I think all of them should go on even more vacations, since they will be much less likely to do us harm from the slopes in Vail.

This blog continues to accumulate more readers; I’m halfway through a novel I started writing in January, and I was able to survive a recent attempt at offering an opinion on the subject of gay marriage, all in all, an eventful three months.

Now, we will have Pam’s family over for Easter Sunday complete with an egg hunt for the kids. Then Pam and I have planned a little 4 day escape to catch our breath in Myrtle Beach.

Life could be a whole lot worse.