Pam and I watched three movies that had Oscar
nominations over the weekend. The first was Anna Karenina, then Hitchcock, and
finally Argo. Here follows three brief reviews:
Monday, March 11, 2013
Three Movie Reviews
Friday, March 8, 2013
Justin Bieber's Gas Mask...As Predictable As The Tides
What do the following people have in common?
Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Whitney Houston,
Charlie Sheen, Rihanna, Michael Jackson, Elvis Presley, and now Justin Bieber?
They are all American entertainers who burst on the
scene with All-American charm and good-looks and a certain naïve innocence,
only to be transformed into raving lunatics. Three on the list are dead by
their own hands, the other five, not yet.
This morning in my round up of the morning news I am
treated to a picture of Justin Bieber wearing a gas mask, and a headline
informing me that the 19 year old had collapsed onstage and been taken to the
hospital. The sad truth is that nobody in America is surprised. This is what
happens here, this is what we do to famous people.
It probably doesn’t help keeping one’s own
self-image in perspective when at age 19 you already have your own line of
designer toothbrushes. Must be difficult to maintain humility when before you’re
even old enough to take a drink, you have enough money to buy the brewery. So,
seeing Bieber’s boyish face covered with a gas mask surrounded by body guards
and paparazzi seems the most normal thing in the world at 7 in the morning. TMZ
will have all the details tonight, but the story will be so old hat, it will
probably end up third in the queue behind Rihanna’s latest porn video or
Lindsay Lohan’s latest court appearance.
Fame in America has become a ticket to insanity, a
cycle as predictable as the tides. First we discover the latest fresh face on
America’s Got Talent or American Idol. We fall in love with the voice, the
style, the possibility of greatness. Then our new hero has hit after hit, sells
a billion records, and before they know what has hit them, there’s an “Inc.” at
the end of their name. Then come the endorsements, the round the clock exposure,
the superhuman schedule, magazine covers, televised interviews. Before long
rumors swirl about wild parties, drunkenness and drug use. Then pictures
surface of violent clashes with cameramen. A sex tape emerges as sure as the
sun rising in the east. They develop a reputation for being “difficult” to work
with. Showing up 2 hours late for everything becomes commonplace. Then we’re
treated to a series of hook-ups with other equally young, rich, and ungrounded celebrity
types. Eventually there will be run-ins with the law, DUI’s, and the unavoidable
paternity suit/ unplanned pregnancy. The cycle most likely ends with our hero
hold up in a Xanadu of their own making wasting away into madness. The nation
mourns at the inevitable news of their tragic and untimely end.
Momma’s, don’t let your babies grow up to be famous.
Wednesday, March 6, 2013
Snow Day, And Some "Epic" News
Dave Tolleris, the bloviating know-it-all
meteorologist of Facebook , spent the better part of two weeks hyping the
snow-storm of the century, and calling the TV guys who disagreed with him
idiots and morons. Then, yesterday morning, he confessed on the radio that he
had blown the forecast and we weren’t going to get anything. So I go to bed
last night with zero expectations.
I wake up this morning and it’s snowing like crazy, with
2 or 3 inches on the ground with more coming. I go into the office only to find
that my 10:30 appointment has been rescheduled. I grab some paperwork that I
can do at home and returned to a warm house and the smell of freshly made
homemade blueberry pancakes. Life is good, especially when arrogant spotlight
hogs get their comeuppance.
So, today, I will spend the day at home with my
wife, do a little paperwork, and spend the rest of the day writing. Then by
around 3 or so in the afternoon, I will start to feel the famous Dunnevant
personality disorder...claustrophobia. Pam will roll her eyes at me and say, “Go ahead!
There’s nothing I can say to stop you anyway, you strange man,” and I will head
over to AMFAM for a workout, partly because today is Wednesday and it’s time,
but mostly because if I don’t get in the car and drive somewhere, I’m going to
pull my hair out or force Pam to, one or the other. It is one of several
personality disorders that she has so ably learned to live with over the past
29 years.
Oh, and one more thing. Since most of us are at home
doing nothing but surfing the net, just thought I’d share this news item. I
beat Kim Davis at Words With Friends, actually “beat” is an insufficient
modifier, more like humiliated. Anyway the score was 517- 290, and no, you read
that right, 517 points. If I didn’t know better I would suggest that maybe Elle
had played me instead of Kim. Be that as it may, now that I have broadcast this
epic triumph over these interwebs, I guess I should let it go and not keep
bring it up every time I see her.
Or not.
Tuesday, March 5, 2013
"PREACHER-SPEAK"
As a Preacher’s kid, I feel uniquely qualified to speak
on the following subject, to wit, preacher-speak, that annoying foreign tongue
employed in the pulpit and nowhere else on planet earth. I recently heard a
sermon that could have served as a primary source for someone writing a
Doctoral dissertation on the subject of preacher-speak. First, a definition:
Preacher-speak
is the strange collection of arcane phrases, verbal tics, and butchered syntax
that comes forth from the mouths of preachers, and then gets repeated on Saturday
Night Live every time they do a skit making fun of religion.
Now, a few examples:
1. The
magic word that transforms any simple declarative sentence into a question
demanding a reply, the word “AMEN”. For example,
“ It sure was cold this morning, AMEN?”, to which the audience feels compelled
to either laugh, or answer back with “AMEN’s” of our own. This is a perfect
example of a phrase that I have never heard uttered in a non-clerical
conversation in my life, but am treated to ad-nauseam on Sunday mornings.
Imagine sitting around with your friends watching Downton Abbey, and saying, “That
Thomas is one conniving snake, AMEN?” I prefer my preachers to get their “”AMEN’s”
the old fashioned way, by earning them! Say something profound, inspiring,
illustrate an eternal truth with zeal and poignancy and you’ll get your AMEN.
Otherwise, stop begging for them!
2. The
word “church” being used instead of “ladies and gentlemen”, or “folks”. This is
a relatively new construct first used by ministers of music,” Sing with me,
Church”, but now co-opted by preachers. I understand that we, the body of
believers are sometimes referred to as THE church, but to drop the pronoun
makes the term sound corny and forced resulting in some tortured sentences, “It’s
2013, and I say it’s high time that the CHURCH act like the CHURCH, right
CHURCH…AMEN?”
3. The
famous, three syllable pronunciation of the word…BELOVED, or be-love-eddd.
Again, when is the last time anyone has ever used this word, pronounced this
way outside of a church building? “I call this meeting of the board of
directors of XYZ company to order, and BE-LOVE-EDDD, we are losing money hand
over fist!”
4. Then
there’s the plethora of words and phrases meant to convey the familial quality
that the church is supposed to have but often does not. Among them are, Brethren,
church-family, and a new one I stumbled upon recently, loved ones. My personal
opinion is that of you throw these types of descriptive words around about your
church, you are compensating for something. And, BRETHREN? Seriously? What
about SISTREN?
So, anyway, God bless all of our
preachers out there who have a terribly difficult job. There exists no amount
of money that would induce me to take their job. But, guys, do yourselves and
the rest of us a huge favor. Lose the corny formulations and talk like normal
people…AMEN?
Monday, March 4, 2013
What A Weekend!
The Belmont University Chamber Singers stormed
through Short pump over the weekend. Their humongous charter bus rolled into
our unsuspecting neighborhood around 4 in the afternoon Saturday. As they
spilled out of the bus with characteristic collegiate energy and enthusiasm, I
was reminded of that old Keystone Cop gag from the 20’s where an endless stream
of cops keeps pouring out of the same paddy wagon. They kept coming and coming
and coming. Our house isn’t small by any definition, but once all 29 of them
had filled the place, it felt very tiny. While Pam and her invaluable helpers,
Linda and Donna scurried about preparing to feed this invasion, they began what
would be an hour long rehearsal in our living room, amazing pre-dinner
entertainment, from some supremely talented kids and their manic director, Dr.
Deen Entsminger.
Then they all sat down for dinner, served by the
most unqualified and poorly trained wait staff ever assembled…ie, er, ME. I
took drink orders from three different tables, then promptly lost the order
sheet, whereupon chaos broke out and several patrons didn’t get their drinks
until chocolate éclair cake was being served. But the kids were so amazingly
patient and gracious, not to mention well mannered that it didn’t seem to
matter. They ate like they hadn’t had a decent meal in weeks. Afterwards, they
all showered us with “thank-yous”, and hugs all around, making it such a pleasure
to serve them. After dinner, our wonderful group of volunteers arrived to pick
up their assigned kids. It took seven separate families to step up for this
assignment, none of whom know any of these kids are have any connection to
Belmont University, and yet, here they were with smiles on their faces, opening
up their homes for three nights. The four girls that stayed here were about as
lovely and adorable a group of young ladies as we could possibly have hoped
for.
The four song set they performed yesterday at church
was beautiful, and extremely well-received by the folks at Grove, even though
it’s not the style of music that we are accustomed to. The weekend couldn’t
possibly have gone any better.
When I read the news reports out of our nation’s
capital every morning, and bear witness to the colossal mess that my generation
and others have made of our world, I am encouraged beyond words to see that we
have a very strong bench. Maybe we should just step aside and let them at it,
since it’s hardly possible that they could do any worse, and very likely that
they would do much better.
So, our thanks to Belmont University, Dr, Deen
Entsminger, and the parents of these students for giving us the chance to borrow
your kids for the weekend. Well done.
Saturday, March 2, 2013
Preparing For Some Great Music And Some Great People
At the Dunnevant estate we are currently bracing for
the arrival of the Belmont University Chamber Singers. We have been preparing
for this day for over a month now. My wife very deviously used this occasion as
an excuse to unleash a fevered redecorating blitz that has consumed our
energies and the balances of our bank accounts. Thanks to Dr. Deen Ensminger,
Pam’s co-conspirator, I have been forced to hang a hundred pictures, assemble
bookcases, and hang new hand towel racks and toilet paper dispensers. We have
sanded, painted, scrubbed and scraped every nook and cranny of this house, all
so that the Belmont Chamber Singers will feel properly cared for, a choir in
which our Son is no longer a member, from a university he no longer attends.
Such is the depth of the love and devotion we feel towards this amazing
collection of young people and their inspiring leader, Dr. E.
Tonight, all 30 of them, bus driver included, will
gather here for a dinner prepared mostly by my wife with substantial help from
several friends who were overcome with compassion for our plight. Then we will
all go hear them make amazing music at their first concert of the weekend at a
location that I can’t recall. Then four of the girls will come back here to spend
the first of 3 nights as our guests.
This whole thing brings back a flood of wonderful
memories for both of us. For nearly ten years, this was our life, cooking for,
entertaining, and caring for hordes of hormonally ravaged young people who
would descend upon us with no warning. Somehow, there was always enough food
and drink to make it all work, and amazingly enough, we never tired of them. To
have the privilege of influence in the life of young people, no matter how
small or great is a reward beyond price. Of course, the reason so much money
and effort had to be spent to fix the place up for the Chamber Singers was
because of the great devastation brought on by ten years of Grovers.
They should arrive in 5 hours or so. Everything is
about ready. How lucky are we?
Friday, March 1, 2013
HEADLINES!!!! Coming Soon To A Newspaper Near You
On this, March the first, the first day of
Obamageddon, it’s time to gird our loins for the next big calamity. Yes, my
fellow Americans, there is always a next big calamity and this one comes at the
end of March. It concerns something called a “continuing resolution”. That’s
the contraption that this particular Congress of misfits has fashioned together
to replace what we’re supposed to have in its place…a budget. Well, this
continuing resolution thing expires at the end of March, and without either a
budget or a new continuing resolution, the entire government will shut down,
making the debt ceiling fight, the fiscal cliff kerfuffle, and the sequestration
battle seem like child’s play. Of course the bigger problem for Washington
might be the crisis-fatigue of the American people. We have been dragged to the
edge of so many cliffs over the past 10 years or so, at some point when
something truly horrible is about to happen we’re going to have ignored the warnings
out of sheer exhaustion. So, as a public service, I have taken the liberty of
designing the headline page for the next crisis. Newspapers like the New York
Times and the Washington Post should consider my suggestions, they can even use
them word for word without attribution. Consider it my civic duty.
This Time, They’re serious!!
These aren’t just cuts, this is the
real thing, no government checks of any kind!
Women and children hardest hit!
Suicide rates expected to soar!
Honest To God…this is the big one!
We’re not screwing around this time!
Entire U.S. Army to be placed on leave
Planes will fall from the sky
Raging
fires to spread due to lack of first responders
Welfare checks to dry up March 1…NAACP
scared shitless
Wall Street veterans contemplate
getting “real Job” once Government freebies end
Maxine Waters, Jesse Jackson, and Al
Sharpton call government shutdown “racist”
Obama said to be “really, really pissed”
Mitt
Romney having the time of his life on huge Romney family vacation in Branson,
Missouri
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