Justin Bieber's Gas Mask...As Predictable As The Tides

What do the following people have in common?

Lindsay Lohan, Britney Spears, Whitney Houston, Charlie Sheen, Rihanna, Michael Jackson, Elvis Presley, and now Justin Bieber?

They are all American entertainers who burst on the scene with All-American charm and good-looks and a certain naïve innocence, only to be transformed into raving lunatics. Three on the list are dead by their own hands, the other five, not yet.

This morning in my round up of the morning news I am treated to a picture of Justin Bieber wearing a gas mask, and a headline informing me that the 19 year old had collapsed onstage and been taken to the hospital. The sad truth is that nobody in America is surprised. This is what happens here, this is what we do to famous people.

It probably doesn’t help keeping one’s own self-image in perspective when at age 19 you already have your own line of designer toothbrushes. Must be difficult to maintain humility when before you’re even old enough to take a drink, you have enough money to buy the brewery. So, seeing Bieber’s boyish face covered with a gas mask surrounded by body guards and paparazzi seems the most normal thing in the world at 7 in the morning. TMZ will have all the details tonight, but the story will be so old hat, it will probably end up third in the queue behind Rihanna’s latest porn video or Lindsay Lohan’s latest court appearance.

Fame in America has become a ticket to insanity, a cycle as predictable as the tides. First we discover the latest fresh face on America’s Got Talent or American Idol. We fall in love with the voice, the style, the possibility of greatness. Then our new hero has hit after hit, sells a billion records, and before they know what has hit them, there’s an “Inc.” at the end of their name. Then come the endorsements, the round the clock exposure, the superhuman schedule, magazine covers, televised interviews. Before long rumors swirl about wild parties, drunkenness and drug use. Then pictures surface of violent clashes with cameramen. A sex tape emerges as sure as the sun rising in the east. They develop a reputation for being “difficult” to work with. Showing up 2 hours late for everything becomes commonplace. Then we’re treated to a series of hook-ups with other equally young, rich, and ungrounded celebrity types. Eventually there will be run-ins with the law, DUI’s, and the unavoidable paternity suit/ unplanned pregnancy. The cycle most likely ends with our hero hold up in a Xanadu of their own making wasting away into madness. The nation mourns at the inevitable news of their tragic and untimely end.

Momma’s, don’t let your babies grow up to be famous.

Snow Day, And Some "Epic" News

Dave Tolleris, the bloviating know-it-all meteorologist of Facebook , spent the better part of two weeks hyping the snow-storm of the century, and calling the TV guys who disagreed with him idiots and morons. Then, yesterday morning, he confessed on the radio that he had blown the forecast and we weren’t going to get anything. So I go to bed last night with zero expectations.

I wake up this morning and it’s snowing like crazy, with 2 or 3 inches on the ground with more coming. I go into the office only to find that my 10:30 appointment has been rescheduled. I grab some paperwork that I can do at home and returned to a warm house and the smell of freshly made homemade blueberry pancakes. Life is good, especially when arrogant spotlight hogs get their comeuppance.

So, today, I will spend the day at home with my wife, do a little paperwork, and spend the rest of the day writing. Then by around 3 or so in the afternoon, I will start to feel the famous Dunnevant personality disorder...claustrophobia.  Pam will roll her eyes at me and say, “Go ahead! There’s nothing I can say to stop you anyway, you strange man,” and I will head over to AMFAM for a workout, partly because today is Wednesday and it’s time, but mostly because if I don’t get in the car and drive somewhere, I’m going to pull my hair out or force Pam to, one or the other. It is one of several personality disorders that she has so ably learned to live with over the past 29 years.

Oh, and one more thing. Since most of us are at home doing nothing but surfing the net, just thought I’d share this news item. I beat Kim Davis at Words With Friends, actually “beat” is an insufficient modifier, more like humiliated. Anyway the score was 517- 290, and no, you read that right, 517 points. If I didn’t know better I would suggest that maybe Elle had played me instead of Kim. Be that as it may, now that I have broadcast this epic triumph over these interwebs, I guess I should let it go and not keep bring it up every time I see her.

Or not.

"PREACHER-SPEAK"

As a Preacher’s kid, I feel uniquely qualified to speak on the following subject, to wit, preacher-speak, that annoying foreign tongue employed in the pulpit and nowhere else on planet earth. I recently heard a sermon that could have served as a primary source for someone writing a Doctoral dissertation on the subject of preacher-speak. First, a definition:

   Preacher-speak is the strange collection of arcane phrases, verbal tics, and butchered syntax that comes forth from the mouths of preachers, and then gets repeated on Saturday Night Live every time they do a skit making fun of religion.

Now, a few examples:

 

1.     The magic word that transforms any simple declarative sentence into a question demanding a reply, the word “AMEN”.  For example, “ It sure was cold this morning, AMEN?”, to which the audience feels compelled to either laugh, or answer back with “AMEN’s” of our own. This is a perfect example of a phrase that I have never heard uttered in a non-clerical conversation in my life, but am treated to ad-nauseam on Sunday mornings. Imagine sitting around with your friends watching Downton Abbey, and saying, “That Thomas is one conniving snake, AMEN?” I prefer my preachers to get their “”AMEN’s” the old fashioned way, by earning them! Say something profound, inspiring, illustrate an eternal truth with zeal and poignancy and you’ll get your AMEN. Otherwise, stop begging for them!

 

2.     The word “church” being used instead of “ladies and gentlemen”, or “folks”. This is a relatively new construct first used by ministers of music,” Sing with me, Church”, but now co-opted by preachers. I understand that we, the body of believers are sometimes referred to as THE church, but to drop the pronoun makes the term sound corny and forced resulting in some tortured sentences, “It’s 2013, and I say it’s high time that the CHURCH act like the CHURCH, right CHURCH…AMEN?”

 

3.     The famous, three syllable pronunciation of the word…BELOVED, or be-love-eddd. Again, when is the last time anyone has ever used this word, pronounced this way outside of a church building? “I call this meeting of the board of directors of XYZ company to order, and BE-LOVE-EDDD, we are losing money hand over fist!”

 

4.     Then there’s the plethora of words and phrases meant to convey the familial quality that the church is supposed to have but often does not. Among them are, Brethren, church-family, and a new one I stumbled upon recently, loved ones. My personal opinion is that of you throw these types of descriptive words around about your church, you are compensating for something. And, BRETHREN? Seriously? What about SISTREN?

 

So, anyway, God bless all of our preachers out there who have a terribly difficult job. There exists no amount of money that would induce me to take their job. But, guys, do yourselves and the rest of us a huge favor. Lose the corny formulations and talk like normal people…AMEN?

What A Weekend!

The Belmont University Chamber Singers stormed through Short pump over the weekend. Their humongous charter bus rolled into our unsuspecting neighborhood around 4 in the afternoon Saturday. As they spilled out of the bus with characteristic collegiate energy and enthusiasm, I was reminded of that old Keystone Cop gag from the 20’s where an endless stream of cops keeps pouring out of the same paddy wagon. They kept coming and coming and coming. Our house isn’t small by any definition, but once all 29 of them had filled the place, it felt very tiny. While Pam and her invaluable helpers, Linda and Donna scurried about preparing to feed this invasion, they began what would be an hour long rehearsal in our living room, amazing pre-dinner entertainment, from some supremely talented kids and their manic director, Dr. Deen Entsminger.

Then they all sat down for dinner, served by the most unqualified and poorly trained wait staff ever assembled…ie, er, ME. I took drink orders from three different tables, then promptly lost the order sheet, whereupon chaos broke out and several patrons didn’t get their drinks until chocolate éclair cake was being served. But the kids were so amazingly patient and gracious, not to mention well mannered that it didn’t seem to matter. They ate like they hadn’t had a decent meal in weeks. Afterwards, they all showered us with “thank-yous”, and hugs all around, making it such a pleasure to serve them. After dinner, our wonderful group of volunteers arrived to pick up their assigned kids. It took seven separate families to step up for this assignment, none of whom know any of these kids are have any connection to Belmont University, and yet, here they were with smiles on their faces, opening up their homes for three nights. The four girls that stayed here were about as lovely and adorable a group of young ladies as we could possibly have hoped for.

The four song set they performed yesterday at church was beautiful, and extremely well-received by the folks at Grove, even though it’s not the style of music that we are accustomed to. The weekend couldn’t possibly have gone any better.

When I read the news reports out of our nation’s capital every morning, and bear witness to the colossal mess that my generation and others have made of our world, I am encouraged beyond words to see that we have a very strong bench. Maybe we should just step aside and let them at it, since it’s hardly possible that they could do any worse, and very likely that they would do much better.

So, our thanks to Belmont University, Dr, Deen Entsminger, and the parents of these students for giving us the chance to borrow your kids for the weekend. Well done.

Preparing For Some Great Music And Some Great People

At the Dunnevant estate we are currently bracing for the arrival of the Belmont University Chamber Singers. We have been preparing for this day for over a month now. My wife very deviously used this occasion as an excuse to unleash a fevered redecorating blitz that has consumed our energies and the balances of our bank accounts. Thanks to Dr. Deen Ensminger, Pam’s co-conspirator, I have been forced to hang a hundred pictures, assemble bookcases, and hang new hand towel racks and toilet paper dispensers. We have sanded, painted, scrubbed and scraped every nook and cranny of this house, all so that the Belmont Chamber Singers will feel properly cared for, a choir in which our Son is no longer a member, from a university he no longer attends. Such is the depth of the love and devotion we feel towards this amazing collection of young people and their inspiring leader, Dr. E.

Tonight, all 30 of them, bus driver included, will gather here for a dinner prepared mostly by my wife with substantial help from several friends who were overcome with compassion for our plight. Then we will all go hear them make amazing music at their first concert of the weekend at a location that I can’t recall. Then four of the girls will come back here to spend the first of 3 nights as our guests.

This whole thing brings back a flood of wonderful memories for both of us. For nearly ten years, this was our life, cooking for, entertaining, and caring for hordes of hormonally ravaged young people who would descend upon us with no warning. Somehow, there was always enough food and drink to make it all work, and amazingly enough, we never tired of them. To have the privilege of influence in the life of young people, no matter how small or great is a reward beyond price. Of course, the reason so much money and effort had to be spent to fix the place up for the Chamber Singers was because of the great devastation brought on by ten years of Grovers.

They should arrive in 5 hours or so. Everything is about ready. How lucky are we?

HEADLINES!!!! Coming Soon To A Newspaper Near You

On this, March the first, the first day of Obamageddon, it’s time to gird our loins for the next big calamity. Yes, my fellow Americans, there is always a next big calamity and this one comes at the end of March. It concerns something called a “continuing resolution”. That’s the contraption that this particular Congress of misfits has fashioned together to replace what we’re supposed to have in its place…a budget. Well, this continuing resolution thing expires at the end of March, and without either a budget or a new continuing resolution, the entire government will shut down, making the debt ceiling fight, the fiscal cliff kerfuffle, and the sequestration battle seem like child’s play. Of course the bigger problem for Washington might be the crisis-fatigue of the American people. We have been dragged to the edge of so many cliffs over the past 10 years or so, at some point when something truly horrible is about to happen we’re going to have ignored the warnings out of sheer exhaustion. So, as a public service, I have taken the liberty of designing the headline page for the next crisis. Newspapers like the New York Times and the Washington Post should consider my suggestions, they can even use them word for word without attribution. Consider it my civic duty.

 

 Government Shutdown Looms!!!

This Time, They’re serious!!

These aren’t just cuts, this is the real thing, no government checks of any kind!

Women and children hardest hit!

Suicide rates expected to soar!

Honest To God…this is the big one!

We’re not screwing around this time!

Entire U.S. Army to be placed on leave

Planes will fall from the sky

Raging fires to spread due to lack of first responders

Welfare checks to dry up March 1…NAACP scared shitless

Wall Street veterans contemplate getting “real Job” once Government freebies end

Maxine Waters, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton call government shutdown “racist”

Obama said to be “really, really pissed”

Mitt Romney having the time of his life on huge Romney family vacation in Branson, Missouri

A Public Apology To My Readers

24 hours. If you are a regular reader of this space, you know that I have led the charge in educating you all about the catastrophe that is about to befall us. I have done this because I don’t want any of you to be caught unawares, insufficiently prepared for the coming apocalypse. In this effort I have been aided immeasurably by the White House press office, Mr. Carney, as well as several cabinet members who have detailed the tremendous damage about to be done to our beloved country by the sequester. This morning however, I must confess that a great confusion has washed over me as I read the latest overnight reports coming out of Washington.

My administration sources have almost daily been warning of starving children, teachers receiving pink slips, 700,000 layoffs, dead in the water aircraft carriers, senior citizens thrown out on the streets, long lines at the airports, airplanes spinning out of control for want of air traffic controllers, meat rotting for want of inspectors, crucial life changing scientific discoveries scrambled beyond recognition, and worst of all…delayed tax-refund checks. All of this I have faithfully communicated to you so you would be without excuse come the first of March. But now oddly, less than 24 hours before Armageddon, a confusing inconsistency has emerged, a note of ambivalence, a hedging of bets, a dialing back of rhetoric. Naturally, I am perplexed by the stunning, abrupt change in tone.

Now, we are being told that perhaps, there may not be quite as many (if any) starving children, apparently the total number of teachers receiving those pink slips turns out to be 7 in a county somewhere in West Virginia. Now, we are also being told that maybe the 700,000 number of layoffs might not be immediate after all. Those long lines at the airport may not materialize either, and it appears that money has been scraped together to insure that those air traffic controllers stay on the job, same thing with the aircraft carrier in the Mediterranean Sea. I learn all of this new information from “policy experts” who now are saying that the public may not even notice any impact for weeks or even months. Somebody named Loren Adler of the Bipartisan Policy Center is quoted in The Hill newspaper saying, “The key takeaway is that on March 1^st no doors will be shut, no lights will go out. It will take awhile for these cuts to take effect.”

Well. I certainly feel sheepish. In my morning roundup of news sources about the sequester, gone are adjectives like “massive, draconian, severe, devastating”. Now, less than 24 hours before zero hour, I’m reading descriptive adjectives like “nuanced, complicated, and a new formulation…expectation reassessment”. I simply don’t know what to say. It would appear that I have been duped. Here I’ve been warning all of you about the coming end of days, only to discover at the very last minute that nothing is going to happen on March the first…nothing.

Needless to say, this has been a humbling experience indeed. The notion that responsible people throughout our government would try to manipulate me with false warnings of financial collapse to score cheep political points has been a bitter pill to swallow.

Well, on the bright side, there’s plenty of milk in the fridge, bread in the pantry, and I want have to buy batteries for years.