True, But Disappointing.

Yesterday I bragged on Facebook about my prediction, back in April, that the Giants would defeat the Tigers in the 2012 World Series. My sister Paula, with characteristic disregard for my tender feelings, posted a reply that began thusly, “Nobody cares, Doug.” She then pointed out that the television ratings for the World Series were less than the ratings for the latest Alabama v. LSU game, the insinuation being that college football is better because more people watch. I might counter with the fact that just because more people watch Jersey Shore than Parenthood doesn’t mean that Jersey Shore is “better”. But I cannot deny the fact that baseball has fallen from favor with most Americans. Fifty years ago it was the national pastime. Today it’s considered a relic of the past and is probably 4^th or 5^th in popularity among American sports fans. This sad fact joins many other things that are true but disappointing:

# Although God has created nothing that tastes better than bacon, it’s perhaps the most dangerous food for the human heart ever ingested by man. Why, God? Why do you do this to us?

# The most comfortable clothes in my closet always seem to be those that are the most egregiously out of style.

# Whenever I buy the latest technological device, it is declared obsolete as soon as I remove it from it’s box.

# People like Justin Bieber and Ke$ha become multi-millionaires before they can even vote, but classically trained musicians have to get second jobs at the Home Depot to make a living.

# The most Godly, wise, and hardest working pastors labor in obscurity, while the most ignorant and arrogant preachers end up on television.

# The New York Yankees and the Miami Heat exist as proof that money can buy championships. Not every year, but more often than not.

# Joe Paterno, Donald Trump, and Nancy Pelosi exist as proof that wisdom does not always come with age.

# Our political system stopped producing statesmen about the time that television was invented.

# Dwight Eisenhower and David Petraeus were both famous generals. They both had extramarital affairs. One became President, the other fodder for TMZ. Welcome to the Age of the Tabloid.

# Fifty years ago, Fifty Shades of Grey would only have been sold in seedy adult bookstores in bad parts of town. Today it is the number one selling novel in America.

# The vast majority of American flags are manufactured in…China.

Suffering From Withdrawal

Day three of my HYPER-NEWS blackout. I’m staying “informed” only through the Associated Press website, the business news section of the Wall Street Journal, and the top of the hour news broadcasts on radio. A few observations.

The AP website is about as boring a thing as I have ever encountered on the internet. No screaming, misleading headlines, no flashing ads for mortgage refinancing floating across the screen, no woman with disturbingly large breasts imploring me to try a testosterone boosting cream. Just long detailed articles chronicling the news of the day, with not very many pictures. It’s like an online version of C-Span. Z-zzzzz. Meanwhile, at this very minute Rachel Maddow is probably leading off her show with shocking news of secret Republican plans to outlaw oral sex in San Francisco…and I’m missing it. Right now, Bill O’Reilly is escorting some pin-headed liberal out of the “No-Spin Zone”, Glen Beck is reporting on skyrocketing gun sales and the bourgeoning hybrid seed business. I bet The New York Times is running the latest Paul Krugman piece about his man-crush on Nate Silver. But all I’ve got this morning is a long boring story about the national security intricacies of the David Petraeus resignation.

The one thing I’ve noticed over the past three days is just how much time I spend consuming news. By eliminating the 13 sources that make up this boycott I have freed up lots of time during my day. The question becomes, what to do to fill the hours? I could take up a hobby, learn a foreign language, devote more time and energy towards making more money. I could buy an old pick up truck and rebuild the engine, after I took a class to learn how the internal combustion engine works. The possibilities are endless.

The real test of this two week Scream-News moratorium will come if and when there is a real crisis. Say, Israel’s air force decides to take out Iran’s nuclear reactors, or Harry Reid and Nancy Pelosi are both killed in a meth lab explosion in the Cannon office building. That’s when I’m really going to miss Rush Limbaugh’s instant analysis, and the unhinged commentary of the Daily Kos.

For now, I soldier on.

The Experiment, And A Look At History

I am about to conduct an experiment. The election is over. My guy lost. Now, everywhere I look there are either stories of the coming apocalypse, or proclamations declaring the death of the Republican party. Any fair reading of history tells me that both assertions are ridiculous. So, here’s my plan.

For the next two weeks starting at 7 am Friday the 9^th day of 2012, I will institute a self-imposed ban on the following outlets of information:

1. The Drudge Report

2. National Review

3. MSNBC

4. FOX News

5. The Huffington Post

6. The Daily Kos

7. The O’Reilly Factor

8. Sean Hannity

9. Rush Limbaugh

10. CNN

11. Stephen Colbert

12. The Daily Show

13. PBS

In addition, I will refrain from reading the Editorial Pages of both the New York Times, The Washington Post, and The Wall Street Journal. To obtain my news, I will consult the business pages of the WSJ with a high degree of skepticism. After two weeks I intend to measure my mood, my level of confidence and the quality of my thoughts. My hypothesis is that all three will show dramatic and measurable improvement. I will then report back to you with the results.

We live in a world where the “news” is delivered 24/7 in a hyper, opinionized way by manic and intensely competitive “personalities”. I try to expose myself to a wide range of them, but I find myself not so much informed as unnerved by the whole process. And, I believe it has contributed greatly to my feelings of isolation and despair when it comes to my country. So, this experiment begins.

Now, to those of you who feel exultant as well as those of you who feel despair at the outcome of this election, I offer the following history lesson. The election of 2012 will usher in neither a 50 year reign of Democratic Party dominance, nor the death of the Republican party. How do I know this? History. Here’s my theory. In times of great uncertainty and tumult, the American people have often warmed up to a beefier, more aggressive and dominant attitude toward government. However, when the crisis passes, the American people have consistently preferred a lighter touch, as follows:

　

World War 1 and it’s upheaval usher in Woodrow Wilson and his merry band of Progressives bent on transforming American society. As soon as the war was over, and before the ink was even dry on the Treaty of Versailles, America quickly soured on Wilson’s Progressives and opted for 12 years of laissez faire Republicans. It was time to have fun and make money, and we did both in record breaking ways. Then the Great Depression and the rise of totalitarian regimes round the world ushered in FDR and the New Deal. Things got scary, so we wanted our government to beef up and protect us. After the war was over though, we got tired of all the fussiness, all the rules and regulations and do-gooders. It was time to rebuild, to get back to growing the economy and making some money. Yes, that nice man, General Eisenhower will do nicely. Then the civil rights movement and the social upheaval brought on by the war in Vietnam turned the sixties into a caldron of chaos. Whenever that happens, America turns to government and so we got LBJ and his Great Society’s war on poverty. Which was fine and dandy until the radicals started getting a little too weird. Then it was time for some law and order, and who better for that job than the Republicans and Richard Nixon? But, America doesn’t much care for paranoid crooks in the White House so we decided to give a big-toothed southerner a try. Thankfully Carter gave way rather quickly to Ronald Reagan. When he left and was replaced by his Vice-President, the first George Bush, the temptation was to believe that this time, the Democrats really WERE dead. Wrong again. Hello Bill Clinton.

The pattern should be pretty clear by now that the preferred political philosophy of the American people is highly fungible. The pendulum swings in slow motion sometimes, but it does swing. In 2012 America, has turned once again to Obama. We have experienced in the past ten years the worst terrorist attack in history and the second worst economic collapse in our history. Time for an aggressive, vigorous government. But, as sure as day follows night, these trying times will fade, this government will overreach, and the American people will tire of the Nanny state at some point.

That’s my theory, and I’m sticking to it. Oh, and one more thing. I’m going to do a better job of praying for the President than I did during his first term. Now that he’s our guy for another four years, he’s my guy too.

A BAD Day At Chick-Fil-A????

On election day I had one of the most shocking, disheartening experiences of my life. No, I refer not to the results of the contest but to something far more disquieting, far more damaging to my sense of well-being and normalcy. I actually had a bad customer service experience at Chick-Fil-A!!

I’m not a big fan of fast food, but when I do get a hankering for greasy, delicious chicken, I prefer Chick-Fil-A. I suppose that in the 8 years or so since the Short Pump store opened, I have made 200 trips to the place. Actually that number makes it appear that I am quite the fast food fan, but do the math folks, that’s only twice a month!! It has always been the same thing, delicious chicken, impossibly cheerful employees, sparkling clean tables and despite the lines, jet-fast service. Until election day.

I had just stood in line for 45 minutes exercising my franchise and had worked up an appetite. I noticed that there wasn’t a long line of cars in the drive-thru so I pulled up, and walked inside for a sausage egg and cheese biscuit. There was a long line but nothing out of the ordinary. Immediately I noticed that my fellow patrons seemed edgy, irritated. Perhaps they were frustrated by the voting process or something. Soon, it became clear what the source of this strange vibe was. Something foreign and sinister had crept inside my Chick-Fil-A…bad service! The cheerful cashiers seemed irritable, shaken. There were four of them hovering around one cash register in frustration. Three more were visibly distraught about the pace at which the cooks were delivering their orders, even to the point of verbal confrontation. In 8 years I have never heard an ill-word exchanged by anyone on the payroll. What was happening?? It was as though someone had screwed with the space time continuum and I had been transported to a Jeff-Davis highway McDonalds on the Southside. An Asian man in the line next to me was getting more agitated by the minute and was muttering furiously in some unknown tongue. When his order was finally complete he loudly proclaimed, “ Bad Work!! Too much time!! Too much time!! Bad work!!”

When my traumatized cashier finally handed me my order, she apologized profusely and begged my forgiveness. I said not to worry and thanked her, to which she replied in a trembling tone…”My pleasure…”

It occurred to me when I got in my car to leave just how well run a business is Chick-Fil-A. After 8 years, I had just had my first bad experience. That’s 8 years of outstanding customer service, in a fast food joint! Are you kidding me? What a record. The fact that I am even writing about this testifies to what an anomaly it is! What it proves is that even the best run enterprises in the world have bad days. What sets apart Chick-Fil-A is that when they have one, it’s big news. So I write not to complain, but to praise. The fact that I had my first bad experience means that I’ve got 8 more years of, “It’s a great day at Chick-Fil-A“, and, “My pleasure” in my future. Oh, and by the way, my sausage egg and cheese biscuit might have taken a while to arrive, but it was awesome.

Ten Things I Learned Last Night

Congratulations to my Democratic friends. Your guy gets four more years. Your political philosophy has carried the day. He won fair and square. Once again he has a Republican House and a Democratic Senate. There are huge economic problems facing the Republic. Godspeed.

What have I learned about my country? Several things actually.

1. This from Jay Nordlinger: “ Gerald Ford once said,” A government big enough to give you everything you want is a government big enough to take from you everything you have.”…to which the American people have just replied…”Yeah, so?”. It turns out that Mitt Romney was right about the 47%. My country does not seem overly troubled by trillion dollar deficits into infinity as long as by borrowing all that money, their government can still take care of them. The Era of Big Government is not only not over, it is ascendant. The Republican notion of smaller, more efficient government, and self-reliance doesn’t sell.

2. Class warfare works. Although I can make an airtight economic argument for taxing capital gains at a lower rate than wages, to most Americans it seems “unfair”. The 2000 year old proverb that there are two ways to make money, man at work, and money at work, and the assumption that money at work is better may make economic sense, but when successful men and women pay a lower tax rate accordingly, it is now seen as a bad thing.

3. When nearly 50% of the population pays no federal income taxes, a political party that sells tax cuts above all else will have limited appeal.

4. Although there are many people in this country who are appalled by abortion, there are a greater number who are appalled by the prospect of losing their right to an abortion. Similarly, on a wide range of other social issues from gay marriage, the decimalization of marijuana, and immigration reform, the Republican party positions face increasing head winds from a rapidly changing demographic. America is no longer the land of Ozzie and Harriet, Leave It To Beaver, and Andy Griffith. It’s now more like Jersey Shore, Modern Family, and The View.

5. Jesse Jackson Jr. is the new Teflon Don of politics. Dude can get caught embezzling money, get diagnosed as bi-polar, and spend election night in the Psych ward at the Mayo Clinic and STILL win re-election!

6. Republican men running for higher office ought never to open their pie-holes on the subject of rape.

7. Now would be a great time for the Libertarian Party to publicly admit that they are a national joke. 1% of the popular vote…really??

8. Entitlement reform is still the third rail of American politics. Apparently, we’ve decided to keep those checks flowing and let our grandkids figure out the math after we’re gone.

9. Since we re-elected Barack Obama, I guess that means that we aren’t a racist nation after all.

10. This morning, Chris Christie starts Weight Watchers.

　

So, now we can all just move on, go about our lives like nothing ever happened, because basically, nothing did. After 2 billion dollars worth of television ads, we’ve got the same President, the same divided Congress, and the same economic and social problems we had before. My hope is that they will be so exhausted after all of this that they won’t have the energy for too much mischief. Maybe since they are stuck with each other for a while longer, they will try to agree on something. Or maybe they’ll just become more entrenched, more petulant, more of a national disgrace. I hope that the President will do better, that the country will do better this time. If not, well, we can all look forward to another fun-filled election in 2016. Hillary Clinton and Chris Christie in a no holds barred mud-wrestling fight to the finish, with the fate of civilization hanging in the balance. It will be “the most crucially significant election choice the American people will have faced since,… since,… well, since 2012.

My Endorsement

I will cast my vote for Mitt Romney tomorrow. I will make the joyless slog from the Short Pump elementary school parking lot through the partisans handing out sample ballots on the sidewalks. I will check in at the A-H table and smile at the white-haired lady after she finds my name in her registrar’s book. The thought will enter my mind,…when the baby boomer generation has to be depended upon to provide these election day volunteers, will there be enough of us who can be bothered? I will enter the booth and follow the instructions carefully. It will surprise me, but my heart will begin to beat faster, my soul’s way of telling me that in the grand history of civilization, what I am doing is rare… precious. The first vote will be for President, then there will be the Senate contest between George Allen and Tim Kaine. I will vote for neither man, so disgusted as I have been with this Hobson’s choice. I can either give George Allen another shot, who promises if elected to do all the things he never bothered to do the last time he was in the Senate, or I can reward a career rubber stamper like Tim Kaine, whose one claim to fame is that he balanced the budget as governor, something all previous Virginia governors have also done since our state constitution requires it. Then I will proceed to the Congressional race between Eric Cantor and William Powell. Again, I will refrain from rewarding either one of these mental midgets, Powell being an untested party hack, and Cantor being thoroughly tested and found utterly incapable of an original thought. Then there will probably be several ballot initiatives that no one knows anything about, a couple of paragraphs of government-speak asking the citizenry to give local town councils the authority to paint every third house red in the event of a nuclear accident, or some such thing. Then I will exit the booth and pick up my “I Voted” sticker from the nice Rotarian volunteer beneath the exit sign of the gymnasium.

This will be my 9^th Presidential vote. My first was as an 18 year old when I proudly pulled the lever for James Earl (Jimmy) Carter. I remember that my hands were shaking. I remember thinking, now, I am a man. With each successive vote, my hands have shaken less. The event loses a shade of its romance with each exercise, becoming less and less noble, more and more civic duty. Part of this is my fault. Cynicism has eaten away at the great expectation of possibility that should always accompany the democratic process. I have wrongly held politicians to a standard of consistency and statesmanship that I have not been able to achieve in my own life. I expect politicians to askew self interest while I merrily look out for number one in most of my endeavors.

The tipping point was 2000. Bush v. Gore. Hanging chads. Battalions of lawyers. Ugly accusations of cheating, collusion, and the visceral hatred on the faces in the crowds in Palm Beach County. Ever since, election day has brought with it a sadness for me. The ideological battles have shrunk from principled to grubby. Bad faith is the coin of the realm. Instead of proudly backing a champion, I vote for the guy least likely to fiddle while Rome burns, the candidate who embarrasses me less, the guy who insults my intelligence less frequently, the one less likely to drive us all off a cliff.

Then I will go to work, and forget about the whole thing for a few hours. After dinner, I’ll watch the returns. My guy might win. The other guy probably will win. As soon as a winner is declared, I will move on. No balloons will drop from the ceiling of my house. No confetti will be flying. And I will be silently annoyed every day that I still see campaign signs in the median.

All You Need To Know About College Football

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