My wife and I gave each other the iphone 4S for Christmas. I have spent the past couple of weeks fiddling with this remarkable device. This is not a plug for Apple. I’m sure some of its competitors have equally amazing products. But as incredible as this thing is, it has left me feeling strangely ignorant and helpless.
The first mobile phone I ever saw was the size of a bread box and set heavily between driver and passenger in my friend Al Thomason’s truck back in the early 80’s. The receiver was tethered to the black box by a thick and very short cord. I remember thinking how cool it was that Al could make and receive calls without having to spend 10 cents at a pay-phone. Thirty years later a machine no larger than a playing card and no thicker than a slice of Wonder bread allows me to not only make and receive calls to anywhere on the planet, but also reminds me to pick up a loaf of bread at Martins on my way home from work, and if needed, it will guide me to Martin’s with turn by turn directions spoken by a silken-voiced digital-diva named Siri. I can have a conversation with my son in Nashville in “facetime” and his face pops up on the screen. I remind him that by the looks of it, he needs to clean his room. I check the balances of my bank and investment accounts while standing in line at “will call” to pick up the concert tickets that Siri purchased for me two hours ago. Suddenly a picture of my wife flashes on the screen modeling a snappy dress she’s thinking about buying. From the dressing room at Macy’s she asks me if the dress makes her look fat. I quickly and deftly inquire from Siri how I should respond to such a provocative and dangerous question. Siri pleads ignorance.
My new phone does more than the first desktop computer I bought 25 years ago. It has more technical capabilities than anything I’ve ever owned. I can do everything required in my job as a financial advisor with this phone from a beach in the Caymans. How much did it cost me? Because of the” new every two” promotion with Verizon, a little over $200, or roughly 15% of what I paid for my first computer. Thank you Steve Jobs, and thank you capitalism.
So, why do I feel so ignorant and helpless with all of this liberating technology pulsing in my hand? It’s simple. I have no earthly idea how any of this magic takes place, and within 30 minutes of turning this thing on, I realized that I could never be without it. I will forever be at the mercy of the techno-geeks who dream up these gadgets, forever dependant on the unseen wizards who fix them when they break, and constantly awaiting the next innovation that will make my current model obsolete. In the meantime, I no longer need my sense of direction, I have mapquest. I no longer have to go to the bank and interact with those annoying tellers, there’s an app for that. Go to the library? Are you kidding, Google does all my research for me. Buy a book at a bookstore? Duh..KINDLE! Carry my Bible to church? Too bulky, besides, its right there on my phone, in 16 different versions. I have access to the accumulated wisdom of the world in a machine that slips neatly into my pants pocket and politely vibrates when I remember to put it on silent.
It occurs to me that in the digital age, no one really needs to know how to do anything anymore. All we need to know is how to press play. If suddenly a solar storm were to wipe out all of the electrical underpinnings of our technological colossus, the western world would be transported instantly back to the middle ages. We would all be huddled around fires in tattered clothing within a year because nobody would know how to sew, build a house, grow a garden, fashion weapons suitable for hunting game, or harness the power of water. We would all be bent over gazing into the dark empty screens of our “smart” phones wondering where Siri went.
Saturday, January 7, 2012
Tuesday, January 3, 2012
Attention all Hokie Fans!! Read this before the big game tonight!!
Tonight, Virginia Tech once again plays in a nationally televised bowl game with a huge pay day against a famous football program, this time, Michigan. Those of us who live in Virginia but have not partaken of the Blacksburg Kool-Aid wonder why Tech keeps getting invited to play in these type games. The 2011 edition of the Hokies was no different than any of the others of recent years. They play a cupcake schedule in a cripple conference, beating up on Division 1-A teams and perennial losers like Duke and East Carolina. The only tough team on their schedule clobbers them by a combined score of 62-13 over two games …and yet…here they are about to cash a 15 million dollar check.
Frank Beamer is nothing if not a marketer of his program, so my hats’ off to his powers of persuasion, or his stash of incriminating photos that he’s been using to blackmail the NCAA all these years. Even the most unapologetic Tech fan is aware of his almost statistically impossible record of futility against top 5 teams. But few know just how ugly the losses have been. Here’s a random sample of some of the “squeakers” that Tech has endured:
40-7 loss against Clemson in 1988
41-14 loss against Florida State in 1988
43-23 loss against Miami in 1992
21-2 loss against Miami in 1993
46-29 loss against Florida State in 2000
27-7 loss against Miami in 2005
48-7 loss against LSU in 2007
40-12 loss against Stanford in 2011
In Beamer’s defense, Tech had been losing consistently against top 5 teams long before he showed up. Beamer’s record is only 1-19, but throw in his predecessors and it jumps to 1-27 or some such thing. Which begs the colossal question…why do Tech fans believe that they are an elite program? There is no answer. Tech fans will go on for hours about how they “own” Virginia football and the ACC. Which, is kind of like saying you’re the sexiest girl at the leper colony. I bring all this up simply to say this….
The Hokies sure better win this game tonight!! Everyone in America knows that you guys don’t deserve to even be in this game when Boise State had to settle for a 2 million dollar loser bowl somewhere in Idaho. And yes, Boise State plays a cupcake schedule too, but when they get their chances on the big stage ( Oklahoma, Georgia, and er..Virginia Tech ) they actually win! So, you guys better win tonight. This is Michigan, not some top 5 powerhouse. We aren’t talking Alabama or LSU or even Stanford. This is Michigan, from the Big Ten, a conference nearly as pathetic as the ACC. You HAVE to beat Michigan Hokie nation, if for no other reason than to be able to show your faces in polite company through the spring and summer until the big game against Austin Peay next fall.
Frank Beamer is nothing if not a marketer of his program, so my hats’ off to his powers of persuasion, or his stash of incriminating photos that he’s been using to blackmail the NCAA all these years. Even the most unapologetic Tech fan is aware of his almost statistically impossible record of futility against top 5 teams. But few know just how ugly the losses have been. Here’s a random sample of some of the “squeakers” that Tech has endured:
40-7 loss against Clemson in 1988
41-14 loss against Florida State in 1988
43-23 loss against Miami in 1992
21-2 loss against Miami in 1993
46-29 loss against Florida State in 2000
27-7 loss against Miami in 2005
48-7 loss against LSU in 2007
40-12 loss against Stanford in 2011
In Beamer’s defense, Tech had been losing consistently against top 5 teams long before he showed up. Beamer’s record is only 1-19, but throw in his predecessors and it jumps to 1-27 or some such thing. Which begs the colossal question…why do Tech fans believe that they are an elite program? There is no answer. Tech fans will go on for hours about how they “own” Virginia football and the ACC. Which, is kind of like saying you’re the sexiest girl at the leper colony. I bring all this up simply to say this….
The Hokies sure better win this game tonight!! Everyone in America knows that you guys don’t deserve to even be in this game when Boise State had to settle for a 2 million dollar loser bowl somewhere in Idaho. And yes, Boise State plays a cupcake schedule too, but when they get their chances on the big stage ( Oklahoma, Georgia, and er..Virginia Tech ) they actually win! So, you guys better win tonight. This is Michigan, not some top 5 powerhouse. We aren’t talking Alabama or LSU or even Stanford. This is Michigan, from the Big Ten, a conference nearly as pathetic as the ACC. You HAVE to beat Michigan Hokie nation, if for no other reason than to be able to show your faces in polite company through the spring and summer until the big game against Austin Peay next fall.
Sunday, January 1, 2012
2012 Predictions!!!
January 1, 2012. Time for my all-knowing, all-seeing, stone cold, lead pipe cinch predictions for the new year. Back in August I wrote a prediction piece that didn’t fare too well. The Redsox and the Phillies didn’t , in fact, play in the World Series, and John Boehner was not actually killed in a tragic tanning bed accident. But I was right about the Kardashian wedding going belly-up less than 4 months in, so I have THAT going for me. This is the real deal. I’m ready. I feel especially clairvoyant. Who does predictions in August anyway? So enjoy and take full advantage of the heads up. Come back a year from now and tell me how right I was. Oh, and bring me a check for 10%.
1. 2012 will end without peace in the Middle East.
2. Kim Kardashian will become a born again Christian on live television, in an emotional display of repentance and contrition at Joel Osteen’s church. Four months later she will announce that she is renouncing her Christian faith to become a Transcendental Prophetess.
3. In a gesture of political goodwill, President Obama will present a brand new Chevy Volt to Speaker John Boehner. Two days later the car will spontaneously burst into flames inside Boehner’s garage in Georgetown. At the funeral Obama will praise Boehner’s commitment to the environment.
4. The New Orleans Saints will win their second Super Bowl title in the past three years by beating the Baltimore Ravens. Drew Brees will win the MVP and promise to do something about that hideous birthmark on his face.
5. The Miami Heat will win the NBA title after Lebron James comes down with a mysterious case of trench foot. In James’ absence, Dwayne Wade averages 39 points per game throughout the playoffs.
6. Gloria Cain will begin divorce proceedings against her husband Herman, citing his inappropriate relationship with Siri from his I-phone as “ the last straw”.
7. Despite much sound and fury to the contrary, the United States government will spend more money in 2012 than it did in 2011.
8. Mitt Romney will win the Republican party nomination, becoming the first Mormon to be so honored. He names Wisconsin congressman Paul Ryan as his running mate. In a bold move designed to prove that he does, in fact, have a sense of humor, they arrive at the Republican convention center in Tampa riding two bicycles, wearing white shirts with skinny black ties.
9. President Obama dumps Joe Biden from the ticket for 2012 replacing him with Hillary Clinton. This political power couple runs for reelection under the slogan…” It Could Have Been Worse”.
10. After losing the Republican nomination battle, Ron Paul runs as a Libertarian independent. In a move designed to appeal to blue collar workers, he names Mike Smith, a mechanic from Buffalo, as his running mate, saying, ”If Joe Biden can be Vice-President, how hard can it be?”
11. President Obama loses his bid for re-election to Mitt Romney. After analyzing the exit poll data, liberal political commentators are unanimous in their conclusion that he lost because he was black. Michelle Obama goes back to being ashamed of her country.
12. Charlie Sheen will get his own realty television show. It will be aired from 2am to 3am on Thursdays. It will be called “Occupy Winning” and will receive 11 Emmy nominations, despite getting cancelled after only 7 shows.
13. The Dow Jones industrial average finishes 2012 up nearly 15% at 14000, surprising practically every financial analyst on every financial show on television. Jim Cramer files for chapter 11 bankruptcy protection.
14."Occupy Wall Street…the movie”, starring Sean Penn, Alec Baldwin , Whoopi Goldberg, and a thousand extras from homeless shelters all over the country, opens to critical acclaim and empty theatres. Despite its dismal failure at the box office it receives an Academy record 17 Oscar nominations
1. 2012 will end without peace in the Middle East.
2. Kim Kardashian will become a born again Christian on live television, in an emotional display of repentance and contrition at Joel Osteen’s church. Four months later she will announce that she is renouncing her Christian faith to become a Transcendental Prophetess.
3. In a gesture of political goodwill, President Obama will present a brand new Chevy Volt to Speaker John Boehner. Two days later the car will spontaneously burst into flames inside Boehner’s garage in Georgetown. At the funeral Obama will praise Boehner’s commitment to the environment.
4. The New Orleans Saints will win their second Super Bowl title in the past three years by beating the Baltimore Ravens. Drew Brees will win the MVP and promise to do something about that hideous birthmark on his face.
5. The Miami Heat will win the NBA title after Lebron James comes down with a mysterious case of trench foot. In James’ absence, Dwayne Wade averages 39 points per game throughout the playoffs.
6. Gloria Cain will begin divorce proceedings against her husband Herman, citing his inappropriate relationship with Siri from his I-phone as “ the last straw”.
7. Despite much sound and fury to the contrary, the United States government will spend more money in 2012 than it did in 2011.
8. Mitt Romney will win the Republican party nomination, becoming the first Mormon to be so honored. He names Wisconsin congressman Paul Ryan as his running mate. In a bold move designed to prove that he does, in fact, have a sense of humor, they arrive at the Republican convention center in Tampa riding two bicycles, wearing white shirts with skinny black ties.
9. President Obama dumps Joe Biden from the ticket for 2012 replacing him with Hillary Clinton. This political power couple runs for reelection under the slogan…” It Could Have Been Worse”.
10. After losing the Republican nomination battle, Ron Paul runs as a Libertarian independent. In a move designed to appeal to blue collar workers, he names Mike Smith, a mechanic from Buffalo, as his running mate, saying, ”If Joe Biden can be Vice-President, how hard can it be?”
11. President Obama loses his bid for re-election to Mitt Romney. After analyzing the exit poll data, liberal political commentators are unanimous in their conclusion that he lost because he was black. Michelle Obama goes back to being ashamed of her country.
12. Charlie Sheen will get his own realty television show. It will be aired from 2am to 3am on Thursdays. It will be called “Occupy Winning” and will receive 11 Emmy nominations, despite getting cancelled after only 7 shows.
13. The Dow Jones industrial average finishes 2012 up nearly 15% at 14000, surprising practically every financial analyst on every financial show on television. Jim Cramer files for chapter 11 bankruptcy protection.
14."Occupy Wall Street…the movie”, starring Sean Penn, Alec Baldwin , Whoopi Goldberg, and a thousand extras from homeless shelters all over the country, opens to critical acclaim and empty theatres. Despite its dismal failure at the box office it receives an Academy record 17 Oscar nominations
Friday, December 30, 2011
The Tempest is One year old....Thanks!
One year ago today I began The Tempest. I have offered up 112 opinionated rants on everything from parenthood to politics, from college football to religion, which in some parts of the country are the same thing. Amazingly, this space has generated over 8,500 page views. In the great blogosphere, I’m sure that amounts to a pimple on the backside of Jabba the Hutt, but to me it’s amazing. What’s even more amazing is the number of those page views that have originated in places like Russia, Bulgaria, and Macedonia. Really? I would think that my brand of humor would get lost in the cultural mileau of the Balkans, but what do I know. There is no accounting for taste.
Anyway, Just thought I would make note of this literary anniversary, and thank those of you who have bothered to read what I have written. It has been therapeutic for me to publish abroad a small fraction of the chaotic thoughts ricocheting back and forth inside my head. Perhaps some of them should have been left up there, but this format comes without the one thing it surely needs the most…an editor. I will continue writing in 2012, hopefully about the many happy surprises to come. If 2012 proves that the Incans were right and it IS the end of the world, you can read about it here first since I won’t be participating in any end time scenarios that don’t involve Jesus.
Thanks again for reading and have a nice day.
Anyway, Just thought I would make note of this literary anniversary, and thank those of you who have bothered to read what I have written. It has been therapeutic for me to publish abroad a small fraction of the chaotic thoughts ricocheting back and forth inside my head. Perhaps some of them should have been left up there, but this format comes without the one thing it surely needs the most…an editor. I will continue writing in 2012, hopefully about the many happy surprises to come. If 2012 proves that the Incans were right and it IS the end of the world, you can read about it here first since I won’t be participating in any end time scenarios that don’t involve Jesus.
Thanks again for reading and have a nice day.
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Top Ten Movies of All Time
Today I’m taking the family, along with a bunch of other great people to see the War Horse. I am so pumped. Expectations are high because it’s Spielberg, and because I’ve read so many great reviews..etc. Anyway, it’s gotten me to thinking about the answer to this question…”What’s the greatest movie of all time?”
It is an entirely unfair question, on par with…”which of your children do you like best?” Movies come in all shapes and sizes, comedies, action films, historical dramas, so it’s an almost impossible question to get to the bottom of. However, it’s also a question that involves opinion, and I’m loaded with opinion. So, for your reading pleasure, I have compiled my list of the top ten movies of all times. I’m cheating in one respect since they will appear in random order. The best I can do is the ten best, picking one of these as the best of all time would cause me severe intestinal distress. Feel free to rip my picks and think that I am a total idiot for leaving out one of your favorites. And yes, a list of one’s favorite movies does reflect well on one’s intellectual and personality bearings, so feel free to judge me.
Again, in no particular order…
Casablanca 1942 Humphrey Bogart
12 Angry Men 1957 Henry Fonda
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid 1969 Paul Newman, Robert Redford
The Godfather 1972 Marlon Brando
Rear Window 1954 James Stewart, Grace Kelly
Saving Private Ryan 1998 Tom Hanks
The Searchers 1956 John Wayne
Vertigo 1958 James Stewart
Patton 1970 George C. Scott
The Godfather Part II 1974 Al Pacino
Honorable mention: Sleepless in Seattle, The Sound of Music, 3:10 to Yuma, Schindlers List, The Shawshank Redemption, and A Beautiful Mind
It is an entirely unfair question, on par with…”which of your children do you like best?” Movies come in all shapes and sizes, comedies, action films, historical dramas, so it’s an almost impossible question to get to the bottom of. However, it’s also a question that involves opinion, and I’m loaded with opinion. So, for your reading pleasure, I have compiled my list of the top ten movies of all times. I’m cheating in one respect since they will appear in random order. The best I can do is the ten best, picking one of these as the best of all time would cause me severe intestinal distress. Feel free to rip my picks and think that I am a total idiot for leaving out one of your favorites. And yes, a list of one’s favorite movies does reflect well on one’s intellectual and personality bearings, so feel free to judge me.
Again, in no particular order…
Casablanca 1942 Humphrey Bogart
12 Angry Men 1957 Henry Fonda
Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid 1969 Paul Newman, Robert Redford
The Godfather 1972 Marlon Brando
Rear Window 1954 James Stewart, Grace Kelly
Saving Private Ryan 1998 Tom Hanks
The Searchers 1956 John Wayne
Vertigo 1958 James Stewart
Patton 1970 George C. Scott
The Godfather Part II 1974 Al Pacino
Honorable mention: Sleepless in Seattle, The Sound of Music, 3:10 to Yuma, Schindlers List, The Shawshank Redemption, and A Beautiful Mind
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Cynicism is no fun
I just finished reading a 5000 word article about the inbreeding going on between Washington and Wall Street. It details the ugly relationships that first led to the financial crisis of 2008, and now continues in the Presidential race of 2012. Why, you might ask, would I read such a long and depressing story of political corruption? Primarily, as an investment advisor, it’s my job to gather as much information as possible in order to make sense of it for my clients. But on a deeper level, I suppose I just can’t help myself. I feel inexorably drawn to this sort of story. It validates what I intuitively know to be true, that is that the “system” is broken, and that a small group of people at the top who pay $25,000 for a bottle of wine have rigged the game.
So, you might also ask, does that make you an Occupy Wall Street believer? Hardly. The kids in New York want the politicians to fix things, to level the playing field with some redistributive scheme. What they don’t get is, the people at the top sipping $25,000 cabernet sauvignon ARE politicians. It’s like flipping the keys to your brand new Bentley to your drunk teenage son and saying, “be careful.” The election of 2012 will present America with a choice between probably Mitt Romney, he of Bain Capital and a Wall Street contact list a mile long, against the incumbent President Obama, whose 2008 campaign was financed heavily by Goldman Sachs, and whose entire administration is populated by Wall street veterans from William Daley, Rahm Emanuel, and Michael Froman, to Tim Geithner. We have to decide between the guy who is already bought and paid for, and the guy who is about to be.
So, what does this belief make me? At the moment it has succeeded only in making me a cynic. I realize that cynicism has no logical future as a belief system. I also know that nobody likes a cynic. But right now it’s all I’ve got. I survey the political landscape of our country and see little cause for optimism. The Tea Party’s heart was in the right place, but it got taken over by too many weirdos, the sort of people who think that the John Birch society was on to something, the sort of people who confuse the gift of gab with eloquence, the sort of people who think Glen Beck should run for office. The Occupy people are just plain creepy, with their public defecation, silly sloganeering about being the 99%, and personal hygiene issues, it’s hard to take them seriously. And any political movement which has as it’s preferred solution a further and more radical empowerment of government, has badly judged the historical moment.
I believe that everyone in Washington has been corrupted, everyone in Congress, everyone in the White House and everyone on K Street. At this point we couldn’t possibly do any worse if we sent all of them home , stripped them of their pensions, and replaced them randomly from the phone books of each congressional district. I now quote from William F. Buckley..” I would rather be governed by the first 500 names from the Boston phone book, than by the entire faculty of Harvard University.” How’s this for a campaign slogan…” I have no government experience and I promise to leave Washington forever once my term expires. But I’ll work as hard as I can to figure out what’s wrong with our Country and fix it if I can. If I can’t at least I’ll do no harm.”
He’s got my vote.
So, you might also ask, does that make you an Occupy Wall Street believer? Hardly. The kids in New York want the politicians to fix things, to level the playing field with some redistributive scheme. What they don’t get is, the people at the top sipping $25,000 cabernet sauvignon ARE politicians. It’s like flipping the keys to your brand new Bentley to your drunk teenage son and saying, “be careful.” The election of 2012 will present America with a choice between probably Mitt Romney, he of Bain Capital and a Wall Street contact list a mile long, against the incumbent President Obama, whose 2008 campaign was financed heavily by Goldman Sachs, and whose entire administration is populated by Wall street veterans from William Daley, Rahm Emanuel, and Michael Froman, to Tim Geithner. We have to decide between the guy who is already bought and paid for, and the guy who is about to be.
So, what does this belief make me? At the moment it has succeeded only in making me a cynic. I realize that cynicism has no logical future as a belief system. I also know that nobody likes a cynic. But right now it’s all I’ve got. I survey the political landscape of our country and see little cause for optimism. The Tea Party’s heart was in the right place, but it got taken over by too many weirdos, the sort of people who think that the John Birch society was on to something, the sort of people who confuse the gift of gab with eloquence, the sort of people who think Glen Beck should run for office. The Occupy people are just plain creepy, with their public defecation, silly sloganeering about being the 99%, and personal hygiene issues, it’s hard to take them seriously. And any political movement which has as it’s preferred solution a further and more radical empowerment of government, has badly judged the historical moment.
I believe that everyone in Washington has been corrupted, everyone in Congress, everyone in the White House and everyone on K Street. At this point we couldn’t possibly do any worse if we sent all of them home , stripped them of their pensions, and replaced them randomly from the phone books of each congressional district. I now quote from William F. Buckley..” I would rather be governed by the first 500 names from the Boston phone book, than by the entire faculty of Harvard University.” How’s this for a campaign slogan…” I have no government experience and I promise to leave Washington forever once my term expires. But I’ll work as hard as I can to figure out what’s wrong with our Country and fix it if I can. If I can’t at least I’ll do no harm.”
He’s got my vote.
Thursday, December 22, 2011
My Walmart Experience
My Dad just turned 87. He has gotten to the point where tying a tie is problematic. Recently, he has resorted to wearing mock turtlenecks with a sports coat to church on Sunday, and that’s fine. But for a man born in 1924, going to church in a turtleneck doesn’t feel quite right. It’s kind of like going to a funeral in a Hawaiian shirt. So yesterday I set out to find my father a couple of clip-on bowties. First stop, Men’s Warehouse.
My go-to place for clothes had a very limited selection of clip-on bowties, that is, they had one color…black.. and shiny tuxedo black at that. The sales guy pointed out their tremendous selection of regular bowties, all the latest designs and colors. But each of them came with a 5 page instruction manual in three languages explaining how to actually tie the thing. If I couldn’t figure it out, an 87 year old man with arthritic fingers had no chance. From there I drove to Khols and then Dillard's with no luck. A perky sales girl in Dillard's pointed out that she was sure that Walmart would have plenty of clip-on bowties. “They’re a clip-on sort of place,” she explained. I thanked her and headed out to the parking lot vowing that there wasn’t enough money in the world to make me go to Walmart on December the 22nd. My Dad was just going to have to get over his Turtleneck issues. But, as is always the case with everything concerning my parents, guilt soon attacked me with rude menace. For the first time since the great Christmas light emergency of 1996, I would shop at….Walmart.
At the front door I was greeted by a kindly old man who called me “Champ” and asked if I needed any help. I nodded nervously and asked where the men’s clothing section might be. “ Easy..walk ‘bout two football fields down this aisle and when you get to the Snuggie display turn right. You can’t miss it.” Walking down the aisle was like being transported to the mail room at the United Nations. There was an adorable Thai family, an angry looking Mexican woman with two screaming children in tow, a stunningly beautiful Russian girl with fingernails longer than my fingers. Mixed in were an eclectic collection of white people, the kind that you see in the funnel cake line at the state fair. It was as if Bob Geldof decided to reshoot the “We Are The World” video using all living members of the Blue Grass hall of fame.
The men’s clothing section featured a staggering display of camouflage jackets, and blaze orange baseball caps. After I plowed my way through the blue jean racks I finally found a small display of ties. The clip-on bowties were all in a grab bag box marked with the everyday low price of $9.99. Unfortunately there were only three colors, velvet pink, uranium yellow, and toxic waste green. About the time I had decided that the bowtie thing just wasn’t meant to be, I felt the presence of a large man who smelled of bacon and had no regard for the American concept of personal space. “ $9.99!! Can you believe that?? One of the many reasons I hate this store. No wonder Bob’s Bowtie Emporium had to shut down. This place is sucking the very life blood out of America!!”
There’s a reason that the kids up in New York decided to Occupy Wall Street instead of Walmart. In New York all they had to worry about were a few over anxious cops. At Walmart, you get between a shopper and the $5.99 clearance box, you better be wearing shoulder pads and a protective cup. You can get cussed out in three languages before you make it out of the parking lot. Walmart in America is that crazy place where commerce meets the melting pot. They have dinner, go dancing, then commerce picks up the tab. But then, just before they head back to his place they have a raging knock down drag out right there in the 15 items or less line. I made my way slowly and cautiously back to the front door, and out through the parking lot, glancing right and left for stray felons. No bowtie, but I did survive to shop another day.
My go-to place for clothes had a very limited selection of clip-on bowties, that is, they had one color…black.. and shiny tuxedo black at that. The sales guy pointed out their tremendous selection of regular bowties, all the latest designs and colors. But each of them came with a 5 page instruction manual in three languages explaining how to actually tie the thing. If I couldn’t figure it out, an 87 year old man with arthritic fingers had no chance. From there I drove to Khols and then Dillard's with no luck. A perky sales girl in Dillard's pointed out that she was sure that Walmart would have plenty of clip-on bowties. “They’re a clip-on sort of place,” she explained. I thanked her and headed out to the parking lot vowing that there wasn’t enough money in the world to make me go to Walmart on December the 22nd. My Dad was just going to have to get over his Turtleneck issues. But, as is always the case with everything concerning my parents, guilt soon attacked me with rude menace. For the first time since the great Christmas light emergency of 1996, I would shop at….Walmart.
At the front door I was greeted by a kindly old man who called me “Champ” and asked if I needed any help. I nodded nervously and asked where the men’s clothing section might be. “ Easy..walk ‘bout two football fields down this aisle and when you get to the Snuggie display turn right. You can’t miss it.” Walking down the aisle was like being transported to the mail room at the United Nations. There was an adorable Thai family, an angry looking Mexican woman with two screaming children in tow, a stunningly beautiful Russian girl with fingernails longer than my fingers. Mixed in were an eclectic collection of white people, the kind that you see in the funnel cake line at the state fair. It was as if Bob Geldof decided to reshoot the “We Are The World” video using all living members of the Blue Grass hall of fame.
The men’s clothing section featured a staggering display of camouflage jackets, and blaze orange baseball caps. After I plowed my way through the blue jean racks I finally found a small display of ties. The clip-on bowties were all in a grab bag box marked with the everyday low price of $9.99. Unfortunately there were only three colors, velvet pink, uranium yellow, and toxic waste green. About the time I had decided that the bowtie thing just wasn’t meant to be, I felt the presence of a large man who smelled of bacon and had no regard for the American concept of personal space. “ $9.99!! Can you believe that?? One of the many reasons I hate this store. No wonder Bob’s Bowtie Emporium had to shut down. This place is sucking the very life blood out of America!!”
There’s a reason that the kids up in New York decided to Occupy Wall Street instead of Walmart. In New York all they had to worry about were a few over anxious cops. At Walmart, you get between a shopper and the $5.99 clearance box, you better be wearing shoulder pads and a protective cup. You can get cussed out in three languages before you make it out of the parking lot. Walmart in America is that crazy place where commerce meets the melting pot. They have dinner, go dancing, then commerce picks up the tab. But then, just before they head back to his place they have a raging knock down drag out right there in the 15 items or less line. I made my way slowly and cautiously back to the front door, and out through the parking lot, glancing right and left for stray felons. No bowtie, but I did survive to shop another day.
Subscribe to:
Comments (Atom)