My Customer Service Experience

9 days ago the hard drive on my 18 month old laptop computer died, emitting  a metallic scream seconds before spitting out the dreaded blue screen of death. With smug confidence that it was covered under warranty, I drove over to BestBuy and dropped it off with the Geek Squad where I was informed that it would be ready in 3-5 days and if something unforeseen came up, I would get a phone call. 7 days later, having gotten no such call, I dropped in on the Geeks to check the status of my repair. A sad faced young man, with emo glasses and unwashed hair hanging across his ironic face, informed me that they had tried repeatedly to reach me to tell me that a restore disk needed to be provided to them so that they could re-install Windows. If I didn’t have said disk, I could order one for $28.30 from my computer maker by calling a 1-800 number.

“That’s strange," I said. “I haven’t gotten any calls from you guys.”


“says here that we called twice…”


“What number did you call? When I dropped it off you guys asked for the best number to reach me and I gave you my cell number.”


“Yeah…but we lost it and so we used the number on file which I think was your home number”


“You lost my cell phone number?”


“Yeah..it sucks, I know man..”


So this morning, day nine without my computer, I called the 1-800 number to order the disk. The phone was finally answered by a human after 3 exchanges. This particular human sounded like an innebriated Pakistani with a mouth full of marbles. After taking 10 minutes to confirm that my first name was in fact..DOUG, we proceeded to the problem at hand. At minute 26 of this call I was transferred to another department. Ordinarily this would have caused me raging gastro-intestinal distress, but I was actually encouraged when my new customer service technician came on the line. Robert’s melodious Scottish accent informed me that I had three choices:


“If you want the disk by December 13 it will be $28.30. If you want it by December 15 it will be $21.50, but if you can wait until December 20 it’s only $14.00”


“Robert, is it?” I replied, “I have been on this phone for 31 minutes trying to order a restore disk for a computer that you guys manufactured a short 18 months ago, and whose hard drive couldn’t even last 2 years. Now you’re telling me that the soonest I can get this disk is 4 days from now? How about you guys overnight the thing to me for free and we can call it even.”


Apparently the customer service technicians at HP don’t understand sarcasm when they hear it. A long silence followed. Eventually I was forced to add…"Just kidding…” After finally taking all of my credit card info at minute 39 Robert asked me if I wanted to participate in a “brief 10 question
survey concerning my service experience." This time, the awkward silence was all on me.

If anyone wants to know why the United States is losing its status as the most powerful economic country in the world, they would have to look no further than my 40 minute call. 

Virginia Tech Football.....Sigh...

Living in the State of Virginia, there is only one school that matters nationally when it comes to division 1 football and that’s Virginia Tech. Their fan base is rabid. They sell out every game, and every home game is a great college football environment and experience. They are justifiably proud of the program that Frank Beamer has built. Each year they send multiple players to the NFL. But many of us here in Virginia look at Tech fans as an anthropologist might look at a newly discovered tribe of three-eyed giants in New Guinea, with perplexed fascination.

Each year it’s the same story. Virginia Tech is ranked absurdly high in pre-season polls for some unknown reason. Might Frank Beamer have incriminating photos of key sports journalists? Anyway, then they plow through their cupcake schedule of Appalachian State, Arkansas State, East Carolina and Marshall, steadily climbing in the polls even while beating absolutely no one. Then they get to feast on the pathetic ACC competition of Duke, N.C. State, Boston College etc.. But eventually, even Tech has to play a quality opponent. This year it was Clemson. And every year it’s the same thing. Whenever Tech is faced with a big important game against quality competition, whether it’s a bowl game or just in the regular season, they get rolled. This year the two games against Clemson were lost by a combined score of 61-13. And yet….

Just three days ago, facebook was aglow with Tech fans advising the world of how it was going to go down, the many scenarios that would no doubt produce a national championship matchup between the Hokies and LSU. I kid you not. Hokie nation never doubts the justice and inevitability of Tech playing for a national title. Put aside the fact that the team they would have to beat to get their mauled them on their home field seven weeks earlier. Put aside the fact that nothing that Tech has accomplished in the last 20 years would make any sane person believe that they could stay on the same field as a LSU. It simply doesn’t matter to Tech loyalists. The delusions of grandeur that infect Hokie minds is something to behold. Yes, the Hokies are the best football team in the State of Virginia, they could beat the Cavaliers with both hands tied behind their backs, and yes, moving their program to the ACC was a stroke of genius all those years ago, as it has allowed them a ticket to national prominence by being the best of a terrible conference….but PLEASE….enough with the national championship contender crap!! Until your record against top 10 ranked teams improves from 2 wins against 19,000 losses or whatever it’s up to now, just leave it alone guys. Enjoy your place as big dog in the Old Dominion.

My 2011 Christmas List

As I have mentioned before , the Dunnevant family takes a very 21st century, high-tech approach to the business of Christmas. the “Christmasistas “of the family, ( and you know who you are), generally start asking everyone for their Christmas lists the day after Halloween. Slowly but surely the lists start trickling in to my wife who then downloads them to the Dunnevant Christmas Central website. Once posted, everyone can check to see who has bought what for whom, the idea being that this will prevent the dreaded “double gifting” plague of Christmas’ long ago. One particular year Nanny received 4 glass tea pitchers, all of which she was “thrilled” with and each indispensably unique that they couldn’t possibly be parted with. “You never know when 20 people might show up for dinner,” she said. “ You can never have too many glass pitchers!” However, the problem with the website, I mean the problem BESIDES the over the top Target-Ladyesque nature of it all, is the fact that everyone is on the honor system. We are all trusted NOT to click on our own names to see what people may have bought for us. Now, I’m not making any accusations here, but let’s just say that over the last few years we are either getting awfully predictable in our gift buying or this family needs to take some acting lessons…

Matt: Wow!! Look everybody…it’s a Canon EF 50mm f/1.4 USM lens ! Doug, how did you know that this was what I’ve always wanted??
Doug: Just a lucky guess! Even though the 1.4 USM lens was 3 times as expensive as the 1.8 version, something told me that you would LOVE it!

So once again this year, I am the last Dunnevant to turn in his list. For this I should get a lump of coal, no doubt. But in my defense, it IS only December the 2nd. There are still 22 shopping days left until the big day, so hopefully I haven’t inconvenienced anyone too badly. Without further delay, here is my 2011 Christmas List:


• A special edition Santa PEZ dispenser. I happen to know that they are readily available at the checkout counter at Ben Franklin and are very reasonably priced
• Gift certificates in any denomination ( even Methodist) to Barnes and Noble
• a cut in the capital gains tax
• world peace
• money…that I can donate to Nanny’s give-away fund
• Titlelist Pro-V1 golf balls
• Gear from the UR bookstore ie..coffee mugs, long sleeve shirt (red) large or anything cool that you think I might like…surprise me!
• tax free bailout money from my fellow citizens via the federal government since I am clearly too big to fail
• Season one and/or two of Parenthood
• switches…..I used to worry every Christmas Eve that I would get them but I never did so a part of me has always wondered what it would be like
• A book of great April Fool’s ideas ( for the office)
• Sunglasses, not the real expensive and pretentious ones …but not the Walmart specials either, something in the middle. Black and sinister if available.
• a big honkin’ bag of Dunkin Doughnuts regular ground coffee
• an online subscription to the Wall Street Journal


Feliz Navidad

Handicapping The Presidential Candidates...Part Two

Rick Perry was at one time an attractive candidate, that time being before he was an actual candidate. Here was a tall, handsome, and successful governor of the large and important state of Texas. And let’s face it, there’s something about Texas that Americans grudgingly admire and envy. Texas is what the entire country once was, aggressive, proud, and going places. The rest of the country might be falling apart but those Texans are still kicking ass somehow. So when Perry finally entered the race there was great enthusiasm. Unfortunately, in his debate performances, an old Texas saying comes to mind…”all hat and no cattle”. There was one particular clip I watched that wasn’t even about him but rather showed Ron Paul in full throat-ed passion about the dubious constitutional origins of the Federal Reserve with Perry looking on with an expression that was part astonishment and part bewilderment. It was as if Perry was thinking to himself…”Wish I woulda paid more attention in Econ..” Perry is the sort of guy who looks much better from a distance. He probably needs to spend eight years attending state funerals as the VP or something while he reads up on the problems facing the rest of the country before we hand him the keys to the White House gym. Plus, there’s that whole “Rick” thing. I rate his chances at 50 to 1.

Mitt Romney knows one thing and that one thing is that it’s his turn. Mitt knows the Republican party like the back of his hand and he knows that the Republican party always nominates guys like him who have paid their dues. This is the party that nominated old Gerald Ford over Ronald Reagan in 1976, the party who trotted out old Bob Dole in 1996, and John McCain in 2008 because it was their turns. Mitt is the establishment guy with the great suits, impressive resume and central casting smile, and he ran and lost in 2008 so now it’s his turn. No one doubts that he would at least be a competent President since by all accounts he’s smart and has both business and governmental executive experience, skills that would have served the current occupant well. With Romney, the question that lingers in the mind for me isn’t his Mormonism. In fact I would probably prefer it to the Protestant potpourri of Episcopalian, Lutheran, and Baptist doctrine that would be unleashed in the Ron Paul White House. Can you imagine the theological confusion that the Paul kids had saying their prayers at night growing up? No, the problem with Romney is that nobody really knows what he truly believes about stuff. Movement conservatives are convinced that no successful politician from Massachusetts could possibly be one of them. Liberals are equally suspicious of his business background and his personal fortune, for them, evidence of membership in the evil 1%. But Romney is a man of actual accomplishments in life and seems by all accounts to be free of vices both major and minor. If the Republican party holds true to form, this guy will be the nominee. I place his chances at 3 to 1.

Newt Freaking Gingrich. In a previous blog entry I laid out the case against Newt. But this guy has overcome a total lack of money and being abandoned by his staff. He has overcome everything for one reason…the debates. The first time I ever saw Newt on TV was back in the late 80’s on C-Span. That’s back when he was a back-bench bomb thrower. He was smart, witty, and an intellectual heavyweight who would give long speeches to an empty chamber extolling the virtues of free enterprise. Once he became Speaker of the House, by crafting the Contract With America it was all downhill from there. The very skills that got him that job made it impossible to govern effectively. Since leaving government he has made a fortune first as a lobbyist and adviser to Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, the two government sponsored enterprises at the heart of the mortgage collapse, and then as a historian and author. He has probably written more books than Rick Perry has read. In the debates he toys with the other candidates, knowing that he has the intellectual chops to wipe the floor with any of them at will. He goes out of his way to humiliate the press, having long ago given up any hope that any of them will ever give him a fair shake. Newt is always the smartest guy in the room and can be annoying as hell because of it. But maybe the times we find ourselves in require us to consider a guy like Gingrich. This dude knows where all the bodies are buried. He’s forgotten more about underhanded political tactics than the rest of the field has ever known. Someone who is tactically ruthless, a brilliant practitioner of situational ethics, and unhindered by a desire to be liked by the press may actually make a serviceable President after all. If we will all drop our insistence on electing Presidents that we personally admire, Gingrich might work out. Don’t we all want someone who can go into a room of politicians and blackmail and browbeat them into submission? Aren’t we tired of getting rolled by two-bit dictators and United Nation types? Aren’t you tired of hearing your President apologize for our many national sins? Wouldn’t it be great to hear a President call a reporter from the New York Times an idiot for asking such moronic questions? Yes, yes and yes! But there’s still something about Newt that bothers me. He’s one of those guys who believes in American Empire more than the American Republic and this is not a distinction without a difference. Newt loves his country a little too much for my blood. I’m done with the empire stuff. I’m ready to drop the global cop routine, reinstate the Monroe Doctrine and be done with it. Newt will give Mitt a run for his money but his chances are only 10 to 1.

So, there you have it. I would take any of these guys over Obama….wait, except Bachmann…or Santorum….Huntsman…or…whatever.

Handicapping The Presidential Candidates...Part One

Now that we’re finally within a year of the 2012 Presidential election, I suppose it’s time for me to access the strengths and weaknesses of each candidate and give my opinion of their chances of success. Up until now I have silently( for the most part ) watched them give their stump speeches and I have read postmortems of the many debates that they’ve had, although I must confess to not having seen one single debate. It’s not that I don’t care, or that I’m a disengaged citizen, but 11 debates? Really?? Anyway, here we go:


Michelle Bachmann is the only female candidate. She is a Congresswoman from Minnesota and apparently is not related to the guy who started Bachmann, Turner Overdrive, the Canadian rock band in the 1970’s. Although early on in the campaign she was “takin’ care of business” and even spent a few weeks as the front runner with speeches that thrilled her enthusiastic crowds with the phrase, “you ain’t seen nothin’ yet”. But recently her campaign has run short of money and sufficient intelligence. I rate her chances of winning the nomination as roughly the same chance that Adam Sandler will win an Oscar for best actor.

John Huntsman was once the governor of Utah and after that was our Ambassador to China. He was given that job by the man he now wants to replace as President. He has perfect hair, a great tan, and very attractive daughters. He’s the only Republican candidate about whom liberal reporters and commentators ever have anything good to say. He’s a Mormon, I think, but nobody seems to mind because nobody thinks he’ll ever become President. From the debates he seems like one of those guys who thinks he’s hilarious but really isn’t. His chances of winning the nomination are about the same as Mel Gibson winning a lifetime achievement award from B’nai B’rith.

Herman Cain has never held elective office, has never held a position in government of any kind. But if his distractors are to be believed, he has held many of his female employees. Herman was chugging right along there for awhile on the strength of his business success, his sincere and forthright performance in the early debates and frankly because he had no political experience, and here was a black man who seemed to actually adore his country. But then the ladies began to speak out about his roving eye ways back in the day, and finally a woman came out who claimed a 13 year affair with this devout and loving husband and father. While this sort of thing is perfectly fine if you’re Jack Kennedy or Bill Clinton, America isn’t ready for a black president who can’t keep it in his pants. Cain’s chances of winning the nomination are somewhere between slim and none, and I believe none just left town.

Ron Paul has been running for President for what seems like the last 50 years, but dang it, this time he means it! He is a Congressman from Texas and has been since 1978 which I suppose qualifies him as a Career Politician, the very thing he rails against most convincingly on the stump. I must confess here that I love this guy. He is the only Libertarian in the race and of all the candidates, his positions on the issues are closest to my own. However, he’s also a tad cranky. His father was of German extraction and his mother was Irish, a strange and dangerous witch’s brew of DNA. ( Think, power-hungry drunk.) He and his wife have 5 children who were all baptized as Episcopalians, while oddly he was raised Lutheran, but later became a Baptist. ( Think, upper class redneck. ) If by some miracle he were to be elected President, he would take the oath at the ripe old age of 77, making Ronald Reagan look positively prepubescent by comparison. However, like Reagan, everyone will know what he believes and that he will have the fortitude to act on those beliefs if given the chance. I rate that chance at 100 to 1.

Rick Santorum is a former Senator from Pennsylvania. He is a devout Catholic and to prove it has seven kids. He is most commonly identified as being for Intelligent Design and against homosexuality. In the debates he comes across as the guy you would least want to have dinner with, what with his scolding tone and high degree of rightness. I’m thinking that with all hell breaking out in the world and western civilization struggling to survive, a candidate better have something else besides, “aren’t gay people terrible?” Besides, the American people aren’t going to elect a President named “Rick”.

To Be Continued….

Week 13.....great games and tough calls

Lots of great games this Thanksgiving weekend. After a disastrous week 12 of going 2-4, I need a good week. However, each of the games I am picking could easily go the other way. They are all good teams who are all capable of winning. So, here we go:

Arkansas vs LSU

If ever there were a game that showcases great defense against great offense it’s this one. LSU will face the best offense it has seen all year in the Razorbacks. But this LSU team is 11-0 despite a schedule that has featured 6 ranked opponents. This game is in Baton Rouge. It will be a great game but the Tigers will win 35-28.

Va. Tech vs UVA

OK, I have picked UVA games 7 times this year and have been wrong 6 times. I pick them to win..they lose. I pick them to lose…they win. Disgusting. I must guard against being a prisoner of the moment. Yes, I know that Mike London is a terrific coach and he has the Cavaliers playing better than they have for years, and yes, I know that the Hokies are once again the most overrated team in America, having mysteriously risen to number 4 in the country on the strength of having beaten absolutely NOBODY. But, UVA is still UVA and Beamer is still Beamer and he could beat UVA in his sleep. Tech 24-9.

Alabama vs Auburn

The Iron Bowl. My first experience with this game was when I was an 8 year old boy living in Nicholsville, Alabama. I asked my father why every store in the entire state seemed abandoned, and why we couldn’t even find a gas station opened. He replied that Bama was playing Auburn, as if that should have explained everything. Alabama 27-10.

Clemson vs South Carolina

Another bitter rivalry game featuring the best team in the ACC ( sorry Hokies ) against the 5th best team in the SEC. Hmmmm….Gamecocks 32-27.

Penn State vs Wisconsin

Why am I picking this game? It’s Big Ten football, I’m tired of the whole Penn State thing, and Wisconsin is about as exciting as watching women’s golf. I guess I would like to see Penn State be put in it’s place, and I would enjoy seeing Russell Wilson have a good game, what with his local ties and all. Zzzzzzz…. Badgers 21-17.

Georgia vs Georgia Tech

Bitter in state rivals. Fourth best SEC team vs. third best ACC team. Tech’s tricked up offense is hard to prepare for, but Georgia has better athletes. When in doubt, pick the SEC…BullDogs roll 35-14.

Thanksgiving Recap...........as good as it gets

For Thanksgiving 2011, 31 of us gathered in a brick rancher in beautiful downtown Glen Allen designed for a maximum occupancy of perhaps 15. Upon arrival, I noticed a wave of intense heat coming not from the kitchen, but from the front porch. My instincts told me that this was trouble. After preliminary greetings I made my way towards the thermostat and discovered the problem. As if the combined body heat of 31 human beings wouldn’t be enough to heat the house, my parents had thoughtfully enlisted the aid of their 10,000 BTU heating system, setting it at a toasty 74 degrees. I took the liberty of intervening by dusting off the “cool” setting, and quietly opening windows throughout. By the time we all left 4 hours later the place felt great.

My sisters had come out the day before to devise a scheme whereby 31 people could eat sitting down and the food could be displayed and accessed properly. They are the unsung heroes of the day. The resulting space and flow miracle allowed all of us to enjoy a delectable meal with minimal droppage or spillage. The food itself was a culinary feast. The turkey was juicy, the ham smokey and delicious. The homemade rolls were exquisite and amazingly still warm from the oven. There was cranberry casserole, sweet potato deliciousness, creamy mashed potatoes, green beans, some sort of fancy cooked carrot dish with onions that sounds disgusting but was quite tasty. Then came the dessert bar which had to be set up out on the back porch. The too small table was crammed full of pies and brownies and more pies and pumpkin spiced whoopee pies and pecan pie nirvana made by Paula that was so good it came with a diabetes warning label. Of course Ron provided three different types of coffee with at least 16 varieties of sweeteners and creamers. Think of it as the Black Friday of dessert indulgence.

Once the Packers-Lions game reached halftime, it was time for our own Dunnevant men’s football game. This year’s edition featured a team of Ron, Ryan, and Jon vs. a team with Ruaridh, Patrick, and yours truly. Paul played a couple of series, but then staged a contract holdout on the terrible advice of his agent. It was a spirited contest that featured fine quarterbacking by Ryan, although his completion percentage left something to be desired. Jon made a fine touchdown catch, but later in the game was on the receiving end of a tipped pass with, shall we say…an unfortunate trajectory. He bravely soldiered on and later failed to offer the injury as an excuse for dropping a perfectly thrown touchdown pass from Ryan. My team was blessed with the fastest player on the field. Ruaridh has made the transition from whatever the heck game he played back in Scotland, to American football beautifully. Saving his best for last, Patrick scored when he got behind a clearly gassed Ron, to make an over the shoulder catch of the winning touchdown!

Most families would then lay around and fall asleep until they were hungry again and then break out the turkey sandwiches. Not the Dunnevants. It was now time for the Thanksgiving Play, a revival of the 2007 classic, The Dunnevants at Jamestown. Acting talent was on display as Patrick, Kaitlin, Jenny, Becky, Ryan, and Ruaridh gave spirited performances. After the play, Nanny, in a style and manner that came precariously close to preaching, led us in a devotional from a bible that looked so old and beaten up, one wondered whether it came over on the Mayflower. The best line of the day was delivered by Rick when he was flipping through her Bible later and said, “Nanny, this is an amazing bible..its autographed by Moses!” Then later he added…””Oh, and look what I found tucked in the pages of Exodus…a recipe card for manna” Hilarious! Then it was on…”Look Nanny..a seating chart from the Lord’s supper!”

When Rick first arrived, he was wearing a black fleece jacket and a gangster stocking cap yanked down tight over his eyes loaded down with grocery bags of food. Nanny whispered to me..” Douglas, who is that man?” To which I replied, “ Oh, he’s a bum we picked up at the corner of Pump and Broad. He says he’s homeless or something.” Nanny then says..”Well, bless his heart, there’s plenty!”

And so ended another awesome Thanksgiving. Except it wasn’t really finished. My family then headed the mile and a half over to Russ and Vi’s house to have more dessert with them. We are so lucky that everyone lives so close! After a couple of hours of overindulgence there, we finally started on the drive home and the last tradition of the day. For the last three weeks or so we have been forced to listen to second string Christmas music. You know what I mean…the Ray Coniff singers, Jim Nabors sings Greensleeves, that sort of thing. Our rule is that the top-tier stuff can only be brought out once the last piece of pie is consumed and we start the drive home. There are 4 choices. Nat King Cole, The Carpenters Christmas, James Taylor, and Harry Connick. A vote was taken and soon Christmas officially began with the velvet tones of Nat singing..”Chestnuts roasting on an open fiyah…” Once we got home, we decorated out tree, drank hot chocolate and wolfed down more turkey sandwiches, then watched Jim Carrey play the role of his life as..the Grinch. Just about the most perfect day ever.