Election Prediction

Big election tomorrow. There are lots of polls out there saying conflicting things. Nobody really knows how it’s going to turn out. But none of this uncertainty is going to stop me from offering my decidedly unscientific prediction. So…after minutes of thought with heavy reliance on my gut instincts, trick knee, and a close inspection of the tea leaves, I have been able to narrow it down to two possible outcomes, which as far as predictions go, is better than nothing.

Outcome #1

In a stunning development that sends shock waves across the American political landscape, Donald Trump wins in a landslide, winning 58% of the vote and over 300 electoral votes, buoyed by a record turnout among white men. The New York Times headline on Wednesday morning screams, Revenge of the Angry White Male. Terrified at the prospect of the first female president and convinced that their country was being overtaken by transsexual illegal immigrants, white men turn out in record numbers, baffling pollsters and pundits alike. The Atlantic magazine publishes a story calling it The White Wave, while Time Magazine dubs the Angry White Male Person of the Year. 

Outcome #2

Despite being behind most of the night, Kamala Harris wins a narrow victory when a tide of Democratic votes come in after midnight, giving her 52% of the popular vote and a narrow electoral college victory. Donald Trump immediately declares the election rigged and demands that every election worker in states that he lost be arrested. Americans wake up on Wednesday morning to riots in most major cities, declarations of war from militia groups across the country, and the news that Donald Trump has set up a Government in Exile in Mar-a-Lago.

Although most of this blogpost is very much tongue-in-cheek, the fact that both of these outcomes seem totally believable to me—makes this post perhaps this most scandalous thing I’ve ever written.