Wednesday, December 16, 2015

2016 Christmas List

Christmas is nine days away. The business year has pretty much ground to a halt. The house looks great. I still havn't done any shopping, but I have at least formulated a plan to shop...any day now. My only credit card is positively glowing in red-hot fury, wracking up points like a boss! I've gotten two emails from Capital One over the past weeks enquiring about "unusually high purchase volume." Each time I have assured them that all is well, it's just my wife doing her part to stimulate the economy. Lucy's second Christmas is going much better than her first. This time the presence of five lighted trees in the house isn't the source of abject horror it was last year. She doesn't cower in fear at the sight of stockings hanging from the mantle of the fireplace. Of course, we haven't yet put any presents under the tree, so we still have that hurdle to jump. But so far Crazy Aunt Lucy is actually pretty chill!

So, it's finally time for me to publish this year's Christmas List. I know that hundreds of you have been patiently waiting for this list so that you can overwhelm me with presents as appreciation for all of the free entertainment I have provided through The Tempest this here goes...

1. Life-sized Donald Trump action figure.
2. An actual high horse that I can get on after the next terrorist attack.
3. A power hitting third baseman for the Washington Nationals.
4. Invention of powerful new drug that I can take that will make soccer interesting.
5. That Al Coleman will finally see the light and start serving pancakes and bacon at the bar.
6. That Christians on Facebook would stop embarrassing me.
7. That I would stop embarrassing other Christians on Facebook.
8. A year without any health issues.
9. That I will survive the coming year of political commercials.
10. A grandchild. Just one, for starters.
11. That 2016 will be vomit-free.
12. That 2016 will prove to be a breakthrough year in the field of teleportation.
13. That President-elect Hillary Clinton will be able to resist her desire to kill all of us.
14. A robust, dark red beer that promotes weight loss.

Well, that's all I can think of at the moment. You've got nine days left startinnnnnnnnnnnng, now!