Monday, July 7, 2014

Dispatches From the Wedding Bunker


The week of wedding finally here. All personnel bunkered in family room at battle stations. Best Man and wife arrived three days ago. Now have three crazy women within theatre of operations. Yesterday, women spent 30 man hours designing, and printing out programs for event. Long and agonizing decision process concerning proper font resulted in major delay, causing men of house to retreat out unto deck. By 1900 hours, family room had taken on look of major natural disaster.

Meanwhile, in dining room, table runners hang over laundry hanging device awaiting stitching and ironing. By midday, room will resemble sweat shop in India. CO avoided major tactical error by failing on several occasions to suggest that wife “just chill out.” Instead, deployed tried and true hug and back pat in response to several spontaneous crying jags.

Best Man planning day of fun for male members of wedding party, including lunch at sports bar, and afternoon at driving range/batting cages followed by more sports bar festivities. Made command decision to not share itinerary with female members of household out of fear of major escalation of simmering hostility.

Commander of domestic operations constantly glancing at weather app for forecast for D-Day. Results mixed. Forecast varies between 87 and sunny and 92 and ungodly humid with chance of killer t-storms. Latter produces epic crying jag. Thinking of sending Best Man to Martin’s on wine run.

Given orders from bride/daughter to produce toast for reception totally lacking in sarcasm, pithiness or depression. “Must be upbeat!” was major theme of order. Additionally, request was made to practice father/daughter dance. Bride/daughter frustrated with non-compliance

Family finances taking continual heavy fire. Reinforcements in route. Relentless and excessive use of credit card continues to baffle representatives of bank, who call once a week and leave message on cell, “What the hell man??”

Despite much collateral damage and shortage of major provisions, morale remains high. Groom expected in 48 hours, son in 72.

Dad optimistic that coming battle can and will be won.