Wednesday, June 25, 2014

Unbelievable


The Virginia Department of Motor Vehicles announced today that their project to repair seven bridges and overpasses on I-95 around Richmond has been completed, three months ahead of schedule and 3 million dollars under budget.

 

In other news…reliable sources close to Lucifer, the Prince of Darkness, reveal that hell has in fact frozen over. The long predicted meteorically event took place with no warning and at break neck speed. “Yeah, it was so weird,” said a demon who asked not to be identified. “One minute we’re sitting there chipping away at the moral underpinnings of western civilization and the next minute, bamm, the whole place is a block of ice!” A spokesman for Beelzebub declined to answer questions about relocation plans, saying only that all options are on the table, and that Las Vegas and Washington DC were part of the discussion.

On a related note… Spokesmen for the Federal Aviation Administration as well as NASA have confirmed that numerous reports of UFO sightings were called in today, all of them originating from the rural community of Hayseed, Virginia close to the Old McDonald farm. Around noon, Old McDonald himself called authorities to report that Nester, his prize-winning hog along with no fewer than six other pigs had taken flight right before his eyes. The flying pigs were also seen by several other people in town along with many travelers passing through on highway 6.

In Washington DC today a hastily called news conference shocked the political press, when both Nancy Pelosi and John Boehner both admitted that they are probably the worst Congressional leaders in the history of the Republic. “I mean, come on, it’s obvious, right?” Pelosi began. “We’ve accomplished like, nothing since I’ve been here, and all we do is blame everyone else for our failures.” Boehner agreed. “Nancy is right, we suck big time. We’ve always cared more about ourselves and our party than we have about actually doing anything positive for the American people. After a while you just have to admit that you’re a miserable failure.”

In sports news, the Chicago Cubs made baseball history today when they won their 27th consecutive game, eclipsing the record of 26 set in 1916 by the New York Giants.