The Oven Light Kerfuffle

36 years of marriage produces lots of stories. What follows is one from yesterday. If you are a veteran of a long and happy marriage, and you are a man, you will appreciate this one. If, on the other hand, you happen to be a woman, it will most likely produce much eye-rolling, so proceed with caution.

While at the grocery store, Pam sent me the following text which I produce here in its entirety: 

Pam: If you are at home, can you please unscrew the oven light and send me the details on what kind to get?

I was home, so I immediately went into the kitchen, opened the stove and looked inside. The fact that the light bulb was on when I opened the oven door gave me pause, but if I have learned anything in 36 years of marriage it’s not to question a clear directive from my wife. There is always method to her madness. So, I get down on my knees and stick my head into the oven trying to reach the bulb which was located in the back left corner, encased in a protective contraption that I struggled mightily to remove. Once that was done, the actual light bulb was burning hot, so I had to unscrew it with an oven mitt on. Again, the fact that I was burning my fingers unscrewing a working light bulb per my wife’s specific instructions was indeed puzzling...but mine was not to question why, mine was but to do or die. As soon as I finally retrieved the bulb I texted her back:

Me: 40 watt. Clear bulb...also, it’s working.

Pam: ??? Was it loose or something.

Now I was thoroughly confused. Something inside me was sensing a problem. I looked once again at her text instructions. I had followed them to the letter. I answered cautiously, employing an artful but harmless untruth:

Me: Yep. I think it might have been loose.

Notice the clever turn of that phrase. “Think” “might have been”, all prevarications that might come in handy later.

Anyway, I hear nothing further from Pam until she gets home, at which point she discovered that I had taken out the wrong bulb! The bulb that wasn’t working was the one underneath the microwave, the one that lights up the stove top. She pounced, “Honey, why did you take a working light bulb out of the oven when it was clearly the stove top light that was out? I told you to unscrew the “stove light”

Me: Um...no you didn’t. Your text specifically instructed me to remove the OVEN light.

Pam: Why would I ask you to remove a completely working light bulb?

Me: Indeed...it was perplexing, but you were very clear.

At this point, she is confident that I am full of crap and misread her text. She whips out her phone to show me how stupid I was and then discovered that...I was right.

Pam: Ok, but you should have known not to unscrew a perfectly good oven light!! You are supposed to be able to read my mind. What’s the matter with you??

After giving the above incident more thought I have come to the conclusion that if I had it to do over...I would still unscrew the working light bulb in that oven. Sure, it might seem stupid on the surface, but when Pam gives me specific instructions, I don’t want to fall into the bad habit of trying to interpret her intentions. That is a fool’s errand and nothing good can come from it.

So, we now have a spare oven light bulb, the stove top still struggles along in the darkness, I actually was right about something, and Pam got to exercise her eye roll muscles. Win, win.