Mr. Dunnevant Goes Grocery Shopping

So, yesterday afternoon I had a new COVID-19 experience. I went grocery shopping. Sure, I’ve popped in to my local Publix before to pick up random stuff during this pandemic, but not until yesterday was I entrusted with a full grocery run. Pam was feeling worn out so I volunteered to go in her place. Tired as she was, she hesitated to give such an important task to me. My wife is one of those people who knows exactly what she wants and where to find it, and she doesn’t much care for delegating. Nevertheless, there she was handing me...the list...and sending me on my way with great fear and trembling.

Wait...you didn’t expect my wife to send me to the grocery store without specific, written instructions did you? Nooooo. This list was amazing in that it was organized by aisle from the right of the store to the left, and, came with handy idiot-proof notes hand written in green ink. When she handed it to me all she said was, “Make sure you remember to bring a pen with you so you can mark things off the list as you find them.”

I arrived at Publix at exactly 3:07 pm, pen-less. Luckily, the friendly guy at the help desk, displaying male solidarity, handed me a loaner in a gloved hand with the encouraging, “You got this, bro.”

I head to the produce section and start checking stuff off. Everything is going great until I get to the green beans. Pam has written “small bag, if fresh...or none.” I take this to mean, only buy a bag of green beans if they look fresh. Question: how does one discern the freshness of a sealed bag of green beans? I stood there pondering the package looking for freshness clues for what felt like five minutes, eventually throwing a bag in the cart. Then it got even worse when I got to raspberries. Her instructions in green were quite clear...only if they look firm. Ok...she didn’t say only if they feel firm for good reason. These things come in sealed containers as well. No, she asked me to judge their firmness by...sight. Another five minutes of incredulous indecision.

By the time I made it to the canned fruit aisle I was presented with yet another fork in the road moment...the list said pineapple rings. My first thought was WTH is a pineapple ring?? I saw crushed pineapple, pineapple chunks, and even something called pineapple tidbits, but the elusive pineapple rings were nowhere to be found. However, there was one lonely can of pineapple slices:

My powers of deduction came into play here as I reasoned that this pineapple product was shaped suspiciously like a ring. As a bonus, these “slices” came in “100% pineapple juice...which sounded to me like some sort of extra thing. It was thrown into the cart with cocky confidence!

The most difficult purchase was yet to come. There I was standing in front of the dairy case. The item in question was Dannon vanilla yogurt. My eyes scanned the astonishing array of yogurt products in the case. I thought to myself, what in the Sam Hill is this? Don’t people realize how disgusting this stuff is? People actually purchase and voluntarily consume something that smells spoiled and curdled as soon as you open the package!! There must have been 15 different brands of the stuff, but the only thing that said Dannon was one lonely package of...I’m not even kidding...coffee flavored yogurt! I text Pam: nothing in the dairy case that says Dannon. She quickly replies: It says “Dannon” in tiny little print. She wasn’t kidding...

If you squint really hard you might be able to make out the manufacturer’s name in tiny letters right above the light & fit thing. See, even Dannon knows that this stuff is disgusting, even Dannon is embarrassed to be selling such a horrible product!! 

As I reached the 45 minute mark of my foray into grocery shopping while wearing an N95 face mask, I began to sweat profusely. I pawed and picked at the mask, adjusting it to let in some air. Then I got the idea to head over to the ice cream case, not to buy ice cream, but to open the big glass door, stick my sweating head inside the case and slip the mask off for some sweet relief. It was glorious. While doing so, I received a couple of menacing side eyes from professional grocery shoppers passing by. But, I made no apologies. I offered no explanation to these people for my behavior. It was this or I was going to end up creating a scene by ripping the thing off and screaming profanities. You do what you have to do.

By the time I made it through the checkout line and had loaded my groceries into my car, it was 4:17pm. I had spent $124.90. It turned out that my bag of green beans was, in fact, fresh, the raspberries were firm enough, and pineapple slices are the same exact thing as pineapple rings.

It should be pointed out that when it comes to grocery shopping, actually going to the store to fetch these items is the easy part. I’m told that the preparation of the list is the hardest part, and often more time consuming. If so, now I totally understand why Pam so often comes back from the grocery store in such an ill-temper. Add to this having to wear a face mask and you’re talking about some serious first world problems here!!