Seven Things I Learned This Week

Having your personal freedoms taken away from you during a pandemic should be viewed as a growth opportunity. At least, that’s what an endless barrage of insufferably upbeat self-help posts on Facebook have been telling me. I should be seizing this golden opportunity at self-reflection presented to me by the evisceration of my liberties. So, this week I have heeded their advice. To that end, may I present to you...seven things I learned this week:

1. When cracking jokes about the most ruthless and ridiculous sociopath to rule a nation since Pol Pot, it is apparently possible to go too far. 

2. There is an enormous amount of difference between growing a beard and simply not shaving, which a surprising number of people don’t understand.

3. Sitting around a blazing fire with people you love might be one of life’s greatest pleasures.

4. If one’s own happiness is temporarily unattainable, there is always the happiness of others to consider. Put another way, get over yourself.

5. Without naming names, there are several Governors who are clearly enjoying their shiny new status as men and women of consequence. Their newfound powers must feel positively intoxicating. I mean, one minute they are lounging around the governor’s mansion in their pajamas asking their aides which outfit they should wear to the new strip mall ribbon cutting and the next thing they know, they’re standing in front of a bank of microphones, with a sign language dude in their peripheral vision ordering people to do this and don't do that and trying desperately to give off a Churchillian vibe, dreaming of the White House.

6. There is possibly no phrase in the English language that I presently despise more than...new normal. Our present circumstances are neither, and for all of you statists out there desperately seeking that generational opportunity to reorder society to your liking...this ain’t it. When this is over, the old normal is coming back with a vengeance.

7....with the possible exception of the movie theatre and the post office, which are both dead.