Add It To The List

This morning, I’m up earlier than usual. Carpet installation day has arrived. The downstairs of our house looks like an episode of The Hoarders. Lucy is in high anxiety mode as a result. It promises to be a crazy day.

So, I opened one of my favorite sites on my laptop and was greeted by a screaming ad that asked the question...Worried About Your Liver?

Ok...I must here confess to you that never once in my almost 62 years have I ever given my liver a moment’s thought, so the answer is “No”. But, thanks to this provocative question at the bottom of my laptop screen I’m thinking...Wait, should I be worried about my liver? I mean, I have never been a heavy drinker, but who knows...maybe there’s some new liver threat out there that I am unaware of. I decide, oh hell, why not be worried about my liver?! I can just add my liver to the ever expanding list of body parts about which I am gravely concerned.

So far that list includes but by no means is limited to:

1. Weird bump on my left kneecap that hurts like nobody’s business when I lean it against something.

2. Three random hairs that have begun to grow on the end of my nose. I mean, what the heck?

3. The strange thing that’s going on with two toenails on my left foot.

4. Why in the name of all that is holy is my right eye all of a sudden turning on the water works?

5. Why is my back always tight, as if it is on the brink of locking up?

6. What’s the deal with this little skin fart thing that has sprouted on the back of my left thigh?

7. It is no longer tenable to say that my hearing is “fine.”

8. My left foot is home to some sort of nerve thing that burns like fire and will not allow me to point my toes outward.

9. Now, dry-mouth is becoming a thing.

10. Short term memory completely unreliable, long term memory highly selective.

11. My liver

So, thanks to the demonic parasites who inhabit Madison Avenue, I have a new concern, my heretofore blissfully ignored liver. Of course every item on my list is probably irrelevant since the Coronavirus will kill me long before that skin fart thing becomes an issue.