Suddenly, for no discernible reason, my computer has
slowed to a crawl. As a result, I am forced to type this verrrrrry sloooowly. Perhaps
the slower pace will result in a more thoughtful, enlightened post. Or, more
likely, it will result in me hurling this laptop through the window. Anyway…
The wedding planning extravaganza has warped into
overdrive here at Nuptials Inc. We are at T-minus 15 days and counting, and the
air is thick with deadlines. I feel like one of those B-17 pilots over Berlin
in WWII, only those black puffs of steel and smoke aren’t flak but rather…bills,
which seem much more dangerous. Now that Kaitlin is done with teaching for the
summer, she is on board full-time. So, now I have two crazed women in the
house. But, now that it is officially crunch time, they have brandished a new,
terrifying weapon…the color-coded flash card.
Yes, my wife has devised a new level of organization
into her witches’ brew of spreadsheets, websites, and three ring binders. She
has assigned Kaitlin and herself several note cards with THINGS TO DO screaming menacingly
at the top of each. Then she has chosen different color pens to write out the
required action that needs to be taken, signifying the level of urgency needed…blue
= soon, green = by the end of the week, yellow = no later than July 10th,
and red = immediately or I will kill you.
It disturbs me greatly that I have not been included
in this new protocol. My jobs have been listed on a mere note pad entitled, Dad’s
Jobs. So far, there are only two items, “replace shower head in guest
bathroom” and “Hang curtain rods in breakfast nook.” No mention has been made
of my other real jobs throughout this great adventure which are to pay each
bill that comes with good cheer and to stay the heck out of Pam’s way.
Every day we seem to be confronted with some near
catastrophe. Two days ago it was the great lantern fiasco. It seems that the
white lantern centerpiece that we have chosen for the tables at the reception
have become the hottest retail item since the invention of sliced bread. A trip
to the IKEA store yielded exactly 5 of the 20 we need and dire warnings that
future shipments might already be spoken for. During a brief moment of total insanity Pam
considered buying the black lanterns and spray painting them white. Fortunately,
cooler heads prevailed. Upon returning home, Pam got on the interwebs and found
35 of the white lanterns at an IKEA in College Park, Maryland. Faster than a speeding
bullet, she was on the phone to my brother’s wife in Gaithersburg. To our
profound and eternal relief, in less than three hours, they had fought beltway
traffic and rescued us from the great lantern shortage of 2014.
Then, just yesterday, the plan was to take Kaitlin
over to the venue for her bridal portrait. Around noon I get this text message
from Pam:
“Having
panic attack. Can’t find K’s wedding shoes. She is babysitting, not answering
phone. Need them for portrait. Hope they weren’t left at David’s Bridal!!!!!”
The first thing that popped into my head to say was,
“Why do you need her shoes for a bridal portrait?? Her gown goes all the way to
the floor and then trails a half a mile behind her? Who is gonna see her feet??”
Luckily for me, I said no such thing, but instead
told her where I had seen them last. Crisis averted. When she later texted me a
few pictures from the shoot, Kaitlin looked amazing…but not a foot in sight.
Yep, I’m just living the dream.
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