Monday, October 31, 2016

My Wife's Only Flaw

This blog is for men only. Women just won't understand. If you happen to be a woman and are offended by this notion that there are some things in this world that are beyond your comprehension, I apologize in advance.

Some of you who read this blog faithfully might be quietly annoyed by the unalloyed praise that I am constantly heaping on my wife. The truth is, she is an amazing woman, so it comes easy. But, today, I am here to let you know that she is not perfect. There's this one thing she does that drives me crazy. I never complain about it because. . .well, why?  But, as a man, and I think I'm not alone in this matter, this time of year it's especially egregious. By now, I'm sure that all of you are fascinated as to what the beautiful and sainted Pam could possibly have done to cause me to write a critical blog post. Ok. . . here's the problem:

Several times a year my wife heads off to a truly vile establishment called Bath and Body Works and comes home with a bag full of this stuff. . .gentle foaming hand soap. I mean, she loves this stuff. Apparently this is a seasonal purchase, since every three months I get tortured by a new set of scented  hand soap. Pump the handle and get lost in the fragrant allure of "sunny mandarin, autumn leaves and blonde woods." (What the devil is blond woods??) Whatever it is, these three fragrances combine to produce something called Golden Autumn Day. Not to be outdone, I could choose a second fragrance, Marshmallow Pumpkin Latte featuring the frolicking combination of "creamy pumpkin, toasted marshmallow and warm praline. Thank goodness, since there is truly nothing worse than cold praline!

Ok, listen. I enjoy pleasant smells as much as the next guy, but when I'm washing the filth of the day off my hands, I don't want to smell anything.  When I was a kid, I would go into the downstairs bathroom to wash up. That's where there was a bar of Lava which felt like washing your hands with sand paper and smelled like. . .absolutely nothing. It didn't come in a container with a pump. It just laid there in the soap dish waiting for your dirty hands to pick it up. This new age hand washing pump top soap is just trying too hard. Take this stuff, for example:

Fall Lakeside Breeze exhorts me to "Pack a picnic. Grab a sweater. Get ready for gorgeous leaves and crisp fall air. YOUR AUTUMN ADVENTURE STARTS NOW." I'm not making this up, its right here on the back of the bottle. Look, I just picked up an entire week's worth of Lucy's bowel movements, I'm about to eat dinner, and I am taking no chances. All I want to do is clean any poop residue off of my hands. I'm not looking for an autumn adventure, even though this particular soap treats me to the heavenly fusion of blue sage, basil and sandalwood! I just want to wash my hands without smelling like I just spent an hour in a French whore house.

So, there you have it, my wife's only flaw, obnoxiously scented hand soap. I suppose I'll survive.