Tuesday, June 21, 2016

The President and Loretta Lynch

The following is a transcript of a top secret conversation held in the Oval Office yesterday at 1:35 between Attorney General Loretta Lynch and the President of the United States...unfortunately, it too has been redacted...

LL: Mr. President, as you know, I did what you asked of me yesterday. Against my better judgement, I went on all of the Sunday shows and told them that we were planning to release heavily redacted transcripts of the 911 calls made by Omar Mateen during the Orlando workplace violence incident. I told them that the reason we omitted any reference to Islam and Allah was because we didn't want to further his hateful propaganda. I also told them that the reason we were releasing the transcripts in the first place was because of our commitment to transparency and accountability.

POTUS: Yes Loretta. I watched you on Meet the Press and thought you were amazing.

LL: Well...Mr. President, unfortunately we are getting hammered by the press today, and I mean HAMMERED. AND, it's not just Fox News, even our most reliable mouthpieces are turning on us. They're saying that by heavily redacting the man's words we look stupid. Everybody already knows what he said and the fact that we omitted key words just makes us look obsessed with political correctness and somehow disconnected from the reality of the situation.

POTUS: (inaudible clanging noise)...Well, I don't give a flying (omitted) what (omitted) thinks about (omitted)!! If we publish the man's actually words, every redneck (omitted) in America will try to make this perfectly fine crisis about (omitted) terrorism instead of (omitted) gun control!!

LL: You might be right about that Mr. President, but...if we've lost CNN, well, we have to think about some sort of in-course correction here.

POTUS: (omitted)!!!!!!!!!!!

(Inaudible crashing sounds)

POTUS: Ok, (omitted...omitted), here's what we do. We put out a statement saying that the press has made the redacted portions of the transcripts an unnecessary distraction. Then we lay blame for this whole thing on the State Department.

LL: But, Secretary Kerry didn't have anything to do with...

POTUS: I don't give a (omitted) about Secretary (omitted) Kerry. Just get it done!

LL: Yes Sir Mr. President. By the way, is there any particular reason why you are so fond of sending highly competent, professional African-American women from your administration out to be humiliated by the press? First, Susan Rice...and now me?

POTUS: (inaudible breaking of glass sound)