Friday, August 21, 2015

My Most Excellent Middle Ages Remedy Adventure

I'm starting to dig this Chiroprator business. Yesterday I went in for my third session and was introduced to a lovely new experience...traction! I was instructed to lay on my back and place my head into this contraption that brought to mind something from your worst Marquis de Sadeian nightmares. Two imposing rubber projectiles fit snuggly on either side of my neck and my head was secured by a leather strap across the brow. The nurse then pushed a button that caused the two rubber things to lurch inward, bringing "snuggly" to new levels. She then smiled and cooed, "Comfortable?" I waited a second for my heart to slow down before replying, "....I make a living."

At this point, she offered the barest of explanations, "Ok Mr. Dunnevant, today we are applying 14 pounds of pressure for ten minutes to expand the neck and relieve some of the pressure on your upper spine. You just close your eyes and relax." I barely hear the part about relaxing because I was trying to come to terms with this expanding my neck business. Then she pressed another button. The rubber cones of death began to move north and before I knew what was happening, I was suddenly 6'2".

Then the cheerful nurse disappeared and I was left laying defenseless at my new height. At first, it wasn't entirely awful, quite soothing actually. But then Nurse Ratchet returned, I thought, to assure me that everything was just fine. But no, she was there to expand me further! The rubber cones slid further northward, I began to feel uncomfortable, and thought, if this doesn't stop soon, I'll be able to post up Lebron James! When she left the room, I reached into my pocket, pulled out my cell phone and took my very first selfie, thinking I might need evidence of my mistreatment in the coming lawsuit.

As you can see, this procedure had the effect of jamming all the skin on my neck into my face, turning me into a Charlie Brown lookalike. But, Nurse Ratchet wasn't done. A third adjustment brought the device to its full 14 pounds of pressure, and I literally began to sweat despite the fact that the examining room felt like an icebox ten minutes earlier. "How are you feeling?", she asked cheerfully. "Long," I answered.

But then, something marvelous happened. She unhooked me from this rack-o-pain, and when I stood up, my neck felt...great! Im telling you, these people are evil geniuses. Of course the relief was temporary, but at this point I'll take anything. I'll be back next week for another episode of my Most Excellent Middle Ages Remedy Adventure.