Thursday, July 9, 2015

Achmed and Abdul School Lurch

Just out of curiosity, by a show of hands, how many of you have had experience with missing a deadline? Yes, I see. Quite a few of you, it appears. Now, how many of you have ever found yourself having run afoul of the April 15 deadline for filing your income tax return? Oh dear, that's a lot of hands! So, I'm sure you're aware of what happens if you miss the IRS imposed deadline. That's right, immediately upon your failure to file your return, the penalty and interest phase of your lifelong relationship with your government begins in earnest. In other words, in the real world, there are tangible and swift consequences for missing deadlines. That's why they are called deadlines...because when you cross them...you're dead.

Not so in the murky world of international diplomacy, at least not in the age of Secretary of State John Kerry, the distinguished and very French-looking former Senator from the state of Massachusetts. By all accounts, Secretary Kerry (hereafter referred to by his nickname, Lurch) is having a devil of a time closing the deal on the nuclear treaty with the Iranians and their two cagey negotiators Achmed and Abdul. So far the talks have burned through four separate deadlines, the result of the A boys last minute demands. Lurch, desperately desiring a deal, each time issues a stern warning, but each time is dragged back to the table whereupon he makes further concessions. I imagine it goes something like this:

Imagine The Secretary of State driving a big SUV down the interstate with Achmed and Abdul in the back seat. Suddenly Achmed leans forward and flicks Lurch's ear. Achmed and Abdul then tumble together in hysterical laughter. Lurch cuts his very aristocratic eyes sternly into the rear view mirror...

Lurch: Now, you boys calm down! Don't make me come back there!

Abdul: Oh yeah? Whatcha gonna do about it Pierre??

Lurch: That's enough! You boys quiet down or so help me, I'm going to pull this car over!

Achmed: Whoooooa! Did you hear that, Abdul? Frenchy says he's gonna pull the car over!!

Lurch: I'm giving you two fair warning! You boys don't want to know what happens if I have to pull this car over!

Abdul then reaches inside his thawb and removes a straw, then plasters Lurch with a large and extremely wet spitball. More hysterical laughter...

Lurch: That's it! I cannot tell you how disappointed I am in you both. I'm pulling this car over...as soon as I find a place that's big enough...and safe enough...boy the traffic is terrible today...well, you
can rest assured that I mean business this time...there will be consequences...a man can take but so much of this intolerable...oh wait, there's a Wawa. Who wants some frozen yogurt??