Wednesday, September 17, 2014

Regarding Christmas...VOTE NEEDED!

A mere three days ago, I stumbled upon an email with the foreboding tag line: “Regarding Christmas: VOTE NEEDED!” It was from my wife and had been sent to the 19 email addresses of the Dunnevant family. This particular email was in response to the prior week’s exchange of “Christmas emails” concerning the dreaded annual name draw controversy. That particular confab produced 14 “reply-all” communications to which my wife was now offering a plan of action.

She began thusly: “Here is the update on the Christmas name draw!” What followed were four bullet points summarizing the most popular ideas offered as to how Christmas should be handled this year. After explaining each idea, she ends her opening email with a new wrinkle…a vote. To facilitate this vote, Pam dropped THIS bombshell:

When you have given it some thought and decided what your own preference is, you can cast your anonymous vote by clicking here…

Just so none of us had forgotten proper voting etiquette, she offered these tips:

Each person over 18 should vote independently, not as a couple or family.

Everyone is encouraged to vote, whether you are in the name draw or not.

Once you cast your vote, it cannot be changed, so vote thoughtfully!

If you have a comment you’d like to make before people start voting (if you would like to campaign for a certain option) do it soon.

 There probably exists nowhere on this planet a family that enjoys a spirited argument more than us, so encouraging us to actively campaign was like waving a red cape at a raging bull. At last count, there has been a 38 email barrage of campaigning, complete with exit-poll data provided by my wife:

With 55% of eligible voters having cast ballots, exit polls have revealed that only 1.36% of voters have actually purchased any gifts, while 0% have submitted the required Christmas lists.

Naturally, I actively campaigned for my choice (a dramatically scaled down, gift-free alternative), which was almost universally panned by my kinsman. The usual Scrooge accusations were thrown my way. What’s an election without mud-slinging?

It has occurred to me over the past three days just how superior this election is compared to the real ones our nation has every year.

1.     Each voter is completely up to speed with the specifics of the issues.

2.     We will have 100% of eligible voter participation.

3.     We get to rank the four options in the order of our reference, instead of deciding between the lesser of two evils.

4.     We don’t have to stand in line or get purple ink on our fingers.

5.     No annoying precinct workers.

6.     Absolutely zero tax-payer dollars were spent.

7.     If we’re not happy with the results, we don’t have to wait four years to correct our mistake.
Now, some of you who may not know us all that well might be thinking, “What kind of family spends this much time and effort agonizing over Christmas plans…in freaking September??!!” This is an entirely fair observation, the only satisfactory answer to which would be…an amazingly cool family, that’s who!