Friday, June 27, 2014

Living the Dream Here at Nuptials Inc.

Suddenly, for no discernible reason, my computer has slowed to a crawl. As a result, I am forced to type this verrrrrry sloooowly. Perhaps the slower pace will result in a more thoughtful, enlightened post. Or, more likely, it will result in me hurling this laptop through the window. Anyway…

The wedding planning extravaganza has warped into overdrive here at Nuptials Inc. We are at T-minus 15 days and counting, and the air is thick with deadlines. I feel like one of those B-17 pilots over Berlin in WWII, only those black puffs of steel and smoke aren’t flak but rather…bills, which seem much more dangerous. Now that Kaitlin is done with teaching for the summer, she is on board full-time. So, now I have two crazed women in the house. But, now that it is officially crunch time, they have brandished a new, terrifying weapon…the color-coded flash card.

Yes, my wife has devised a new level of organization into her witches’ brew of spreadsheets, websites, and three ring binders. She has assigned Kaitlin and herself several note cards with THINGS TO DO screaming menacingly at the top of each. Then she has chosen different color pens to write out the required action that needs to be taken, signifying the level of urgency needed…blue = soon, green = by the end of the week, yellow = no later than July 10th, and red = immediately or I will kill you.

It disturbs me greatly that I have not been included in this new protocol. My jobs have been listed on a mere note pad entitled, Dad’s Jobs. So far, there are only two items, “replace shower head in guest bathroom” and “Hang curtain rods in breakfast nook.” No mention has been made of my other real jobs throughout this great adventure which are to pay each bill that comes with good cheer and to stay the heck out of Pam’s way.

Every day we seem to be confronted with some near catastrophe. Two days ago it was the great lantern fiasco. It seems that the white lantern centerpiece that we have chosen for the tables at the reception have become the hottest retail item since the invention of sliced bread. A trip to the IKEA store yielded exactly 5 of the 20 we need and dire warnings that future shipments might already be spoken for. During  a brief moment of total insanity Pam considered buying the black lanterns and spray painting them white. Fortunately, cooler heads prevailed. Upon returning home, Pam got on the interwebs and found 35 of the white lanterns at an IKEA in College Park, Maryland. Faster than a speeding bullet, she was on the phone to my brother’s wife in Gaithersburg. To our profound and eternal relief, in less than three hours, they had fought beltway traffic and rescued us from the great lantern shortage of 2014.

Then, just yesterday, the plan was to take Kaitlin over to the venue for her bridal portrait. Around noon I get this text message from Pam:

“Having panic attack. Can’t find K’s wedding shoes. She is babysitting, not answering phone. Need them for portrait. Hope they weren’t left at David’s Bridal!!!!!”

The first thing that popped into my head to say was, “Why do you need her shoes for a bridal portrait?? Her gown goes all the way to the floor and then trails a half a mile behind her? Who is gonna see her feet??”

Luckily for me, I said no such thing, but instead told her where I had seen them last. Crisis averted. When she later texted me a few pictures from the shoot, Kaitlin looked amazing…but not a foot in sight.

Yep, I’m just living the dream.