Monday, May 12, 2014

Hog Heaven


I have made a discovery that has convinced me of something I have always known instinctively, that capitalism is the single greatest engine of economic dynamism ever conceived by the mind of man. Yes, I know, like every economic system it has its weaknesses, income inequality, the boom and bust cycle etc… But while communism and other top-down government run economies are struggling to provide products as basic as toilet tissue to their citizens, the great capitalistic, market economy of the United States of America has brought the most indescribably awesome thing ever…Bacon-of-the-Month Clubs!bacon.jpg

As is often the case at large family gatherings in the Dunnevant house, eventually, the subject of bacon comes up. Yesterday’s Mother’s Day picnic was no exception. Pam had forgotten to sprinkle the all natural bacon bits on top of the dish of baked beans when it came out of the oven, to her great embarrassment. Somebody made a crack about how if you don’t put the bacon on the beans, what’s the point? From there we were off to the races. Somebody else brought up the fact that Father’s Day was right around the corner, and wouldn’t it be cool if you could give your Dad the gift of bacon delivered directly to his door every month. “Only if it included sausage too,” somebody else added.

Well, if the mind of man can conceive of a thing, capitalism gives him the freedom and tools to bring it to life. A quick Google search revealed to me that there are no less than 25 bacon-of-the-month clubs in the United States, all competing for my business. All of them claim to produce the highest quality bacon on the planet. For instance, I leaned that grocery stores add water to their bacon to increase the weight so they can charge more, (the bastards!!) and that artisan bacon has no added water which means that it doesn’t pop and spray you with hot grease when you cook it. One club even claimed that you could cook their bacon while naked, a mental image that it might take weeks to get out of my head. Another club claimed celebrity endorsements from Mario Batali and Bobby Flay. Each club promised to deliver directly to my door in refrigerated packaging the finest artisan bacon made from only the finest ingredients, (pigs…they’re called…PIGS), smoked to perfection, thick and meaty to satisfy even the most discriminating palate. Here a quibble…bacon lovers don’t have palates, although we have been known to discriminate from time to time.

Reading through some of the descriptions and flavors was enough to make me wonder how in the world I was going to be able to wait until Father’s Day! But then, as is often the case with capitalism, there’s a catch, in this case, the price. Membership in this most exclusive club wasn’t going to be cheap. For a premium delivery of 2 pounds of the best bacon in the world, I would have to fork over $50 per month. That’s 25 bucks a pound for you Virginia Tech grads, and that’s not chump change. Of course if you sign up for an entire year’s worth instead of a sample three month membership, the price drops to $550 per year, which is like getting two pounds free! Still, that’s quite a bacon budget.

But the very thought of two pounds of bacon, the candy of meat, being delivered to my door every month, splatter-free, extra-thick slabs in flavors like cajun, honey BBQ, and vanilla bourbon seems too awesome to resist.

‘Merica!!!