Tuesday, April 1, 2014

Early Morning Epiphanies


I awoke bolt upright in the bed at 4:45 am. I was not in a cold sweat, but rather clear-eyed and unwavering. I had been the beneficiary of a series of life-changing epiphanies. The scales have fallen from my eyes.

  1. It has become clear to me now that my government is awesome, the bigger the better. In fact, since they have done so much good over these last 50 years, I now believe that we all should be taxed at 100% of our income. We should give it all freely and cheerfully to Washington where, free from financial restraints, our government would be able to take care of all of our collective needs.
  2. Baseball is in fact a boring, dying sport. However, if I’m going to be a fan at all, I might as well root for the greatest team in history, the New York Yankees.
  3. Rap music is awesome. It’s the modern equivalent of Bach, and the lyrics are the Shakespearian sonnets of the 21st century.
  4. The best movies in the world are made by the French.
  5. When I see an NBA player covered from head to toe in tattoos I will from now on think, “Wow, what amazing self-expression!”
  6. The only morally and ethically defensible way to eat is Veganism.
  7. Reality television may very well go down in history as the most creative, uplifting form of communication ever conceived by the mind of man.
  8. Soccer is actually the most riveting sport on television, and I can certainly understand its world-wide popularity. I am embarrassed for my country when I see the Nielson ratings for the Premier League games on ESPN. When will we EVER follow the world in our adoration for this most exciting game ever created?
  9. I now see that the Big Ten is the finest football conference.
  10.  Al Gore will one day be worshiped as our country’s new George Washington for his tireless efforts as a modern day prophet on Global Warming, which is the biggest threat to our existence that mankind has ever faced. Clearly, we are the sole cause of climate change and the only way to save ourselves is to turn over control of the entire world to the United Nations.
  11.  If Barack Obama isn’t one day carved into the granite of Mount Rushmore, it will be because of racism.
  12.  The Washington Redskins are perhaps the most well run franchise in the NFL and Dan Snyder the most enlightened owner.
  13.  The Kardashian sisters are not only beautiful, but smart too.
  14.  There is no such thing as liberal bias in the media. The fact that 95% of them vote for Democrats just proves that they are better informed than the rest of us.
  15.  All of the Twilight movies are better than Citizen Kane and Casablanca.

It’s been quite a morning!