Friday, November 29, 2013

Unkalduga Claus. The Legend Continues.


Thanksgiving 2013 is now in the books and by all accounts, was a huge success. My niece Christina did a fabulous job of hosting all 25 of us in her tiny house. The food was outstanding, especially Jenny’s rolls. We were all able to be together with my Dad, so everything worked out perfectly. Well, except for the insidious, corrupting presence of two cats, the aura of which played havoc with the lungs of several guests, including yours truly, cutting short an otherwise wonderful afternoon.

The best part of the day was when I was able to introduce the little ones in the family to the wonderful but little known story of Santa Claus’ younger brother, Unkalduga Claus. While big brother gets all the headlines, Unkalduga just plods along doing his important work on Thanksgiving Day. What important work, you might ask?

You see, UC visits the homes of especially deserving families on Thanksgiving. He doesn’t go in for all of the universal, egalitarian, every kid gets a trophy nonsense. There are no naughty and nice lists with UC. He understands total depravity. So his visits are all about mercy, unmerited favor. He only visits the biggest families who are packed into the tiniest houses. His is much more targeted relief than Santa ever thought about being. So, after the meal is over, and the adults are all about to climb the walls, Unkalduga Claus walks right through the door( chimneys? PUH-LEEZE), with his black bag-o-fun, gathers the kids around and hands out nerf guns to all the good little boys and girls who ate their dinner and kept the whining to a minimum. After stirring them up to a frenzy, he loudly proclaims, “So, let’s go outside and put somebody’s eye out! Who’s with me??!!”

The reason you haven’t heard of UC, is basically the fault of the biased liberal media. They never got on board with Unkalduga because there were no merchandizing opportunities. Plus, the guns thing made them nervous. They couldn’t get behind a guy who was encouraging even pretend violence. They also had trouble with the black bag-o-fun shtick, since it could possibly be interpreted as racist.

So, Unkalduga Clause toils on in obscurity. But the Dunnevant/Roop/Schwartz/Garland/Hawkins kids now all know the truth. His appearance yesterday got everybody out of the house and into the back yard. Screaming nerf bullets were flying through the cold fresh air. A remote controlled Mustang was involved. Several adults were surprised by the suction-cupped fury of a 16 shot rapid fire nerf ambush. When all the dust had cleared, no one’s eye had been put out, however…a couple of the more enthusiastic adult participants were in need of inhaler treatments.

So, another successful Thanksgiving was enjoyed by all. Now, there are only 364 more days until the black bag-o-fun makes another appearance. Can’t wait!