Thursday, October 3, 2013

The E-mail Ad Wars

I am officially bored with the government shutdown, and I feel relatively certain that you are tired of reading about it. So today let’s delve into a subject of almost equal frustration, the number and subject matter of junk e-mails.

Every morning when I turn on my cell phone, there are at least four or five unsolicited email advertisements in my inbox. There’s nothing necessarily objectionable about this, I mean, hey, people have to make a living, and deleting them takes two seconds of my time. But what is starting to puzzle me is the subject matter of these emails and what it might suggest about…me. First of all, what makes these advertisers think that I would be interested in their products? Frankly, sometimes it’s insulting. For example:

# Discount tire coupons. These people carpet bomb me with offers to replace my tires. Why me? My tires are very expensive and at the very first sign of wear get replaced at great expense since I have my cars worked on at Axselle’s Auto. Give it a rest fellas, I’m good!

# Canadian Pharmacies. These guys are even more relentless, offering me everything from testosterone supplements to Viagra knockoffs. Need pain killers? We got your pain killers right here, no prescription needed. Wait, isn’t that illegal? And why Canada? What makes them the discount drug kingpins?

# Senior Living Retirement Communities. Maybe these people know somehow that my Dad is 88 and in failing health. At least that’s what I hope it is. I am certainly NOT ready for their services at the moment!

# Get Published NOW! Ok, somehow the marketing world has gotten wind of the fact that I’ve written a book. I get at least one offer to polish my manuscript per day, not to mention offers of one stop shop self publishing services, with low, LOW prices.

# Thinning hair cures. Seriously people, have you looked at my head lately?

# Male Enhancement Miracles. No comment.

# Check your credit score for FREE. I have excellent credit. Wait, do these guys know something that I don’t?

# Terry Mcauliffe is a Communist, Ken Cucinelli is a scum bag. Now these particular emails vary depending on whose running but they are always the same, depicting the other guy as a monster. I have never once gotten a political email simply proclaiming the virtues of a candidate.


So, that about wraps it up. Of course there are the assorted free oil change coupons, offers to sell my home, and the random bra promotion( I’m not kidding). I’m sure there’s a way to shut these things off which maybe one of my tech savvy readers will let me know about. I’m not sure how many more senior living emails my fragile ego can take!