Saturday, October 5, 2013

Politically Correct College Football Picks

Many of you have complained that I have abandoned last year’s wildly popular weekly college football picks. Honestly, none of you have complained about it, and frankly, my feelings have been hurt about the whole thing. So, today I am reintroducing my picks with a twist. This time  I’m going to make my picks based on political correctness alone. I will ignore things like won loss records or strength of schedule, or how many good players a team has. No, I will try to answer the question of which team will win based solely on what outcome would be more fair and equitable, given all the injustice in the world today. Here goes…


Maryland vs. Florida State

Here we have the Terrapins, the lowly turtle, possibly the slowest creature on Earth, who plods along trying desperately not to be run over and crushed by the single biggest menace to the environment ever built, the modern automobile. They will be going against the Seminoles, a team that has wrapped itself in the traditions and lore of a noble Native American tribe. This blatant racism most notably displays itself with that most irritating tomahawk chop, and a stadium full of white people imitating the Seminole war chant. This contest boils down to the environment vs. racism. Take Maryland and the points.

Georgia Tech vs. Miami

Georgia Tech is a school that trains the finest mechanical, technical and nuclear engineers in the country. Their graduates then go on to work for big corporations that produce products that befoul our environment, endanger our communities and in doing so produce obscene levels of profit. Miami, on the other hand, has perhaps the most racially diverse student population in America. It’s President is none other than Donna Shalala, who served for eight years as the Secretary of Health and Human Services under Bill Clinton,  the one department of our government most determined to stand against obscene levels of profit. Profits vs. people? Take Miami to cover.

Ohio State vs. Northwestern

Northwestern University is perhaps that most loathsome of institutions, the private research university. Its classes are filled with only the very best and brightest students. In all of the Big Ten, it is no doubt the most elitist. On the other side of the line of scrimmage will be the Ohio State buckeyes, a school which accepts an amazing 68% of its applicants, as clear a refutation of elitism as can be imagined in academia. In addition, Northwestern’s  mascot is something called Willie the Wildcat, a gross and tawdry example of the personification and ultimate subjection of the animal kingdom. Ohio State in a blowout.

Washington vs. Stanford

This is a tough one. While Stanford is also a private research university which accepts only 7% of its applicants and therefore represents the elites of our culture, they did make the brave decision several years ago to divest themselves of their racist past by removing the offensive Indian as their mascot and replacing him with “the Tree”. It was a beautiful thing. However, their opponent today is the University of Washington, a fine public school which accepts anyone as a student who can fog a mirror, an egalitarian record it can be proud of, and yet…there’s the tricky business of their personified mascot, the embarrassingly named “Harry the Huskie.” This is a call that can go either way. The tie breaker comes down to team colors. Washington’s purple is a color of peace, while Stanford’s cardinal red is the universally recognized color of war. Take Washington to eek this one out in overtime.